'Well, I'm stuck'.
'What do you mean?'
'We've tried everything, Sweetie Belle! Rock Climbing, skateboarding, rollerskating...'
'I get it, Scootaloo'.
'...bird watching, dancing, chess...'
'Scootaloo...'
'...juggling, cooking, singing...'
'SCOOTALOO!'
'Okay, okay!' Scootaloo replied hastily. 'Face it, Sweetie Belle. We're all out of ideas. Maybe we should try again later'.
'Uhnnnn... where's Apple Bloom? She always has good ideas'.
'I think she's with Brisk Spark. Again'.
'Oh'.
'You okay, Sweetie Belle?'
Sweetie Belle disliked being reminded that Apple Bloom was going out with Brisk Spark, and had been for the past two months. Sweetie Belle saw Apple Bloom dating Brisk Spark as a constant reminder that Sweetie Belle was not like her friends, or any other ponies she knew for that matter. In fact, Sweetie Belle had only heard of one case like hers, and it had certainly left an impression. It had been a newspaper article, detailing the arrest and sentencing of a pony called 'Hoity Toity' and another male accomplice, for 'sexual deviancy' and 'transgressions of the natural law'. Rarity, Sweetie Belle had noticed, never spoke about Hoity Toity again, despite her previous idolization of the fashion star.
The message to Sweetie Belle had been clear. When she had first mentioned her feelings to Rarity all those years ago, she had been young and naive, but now, as she entered her teens, the importance of keeping her true self under wraps had become more and more evident. When Hoity Toity was arrested, Sweetie heard he had been partially lobotomized to change his orientation. Sweetie didn't know how effective these operations were in general, but in the case of Hoity Toity, it had landed him in a mental asylum for life.
That could have been me. Sweetie thought.
In addition, Hoity Toity had not received any support from the public, despite his previous status as a celebrity. People from all across Equestria, from other fashion stars, to Hoity Toity's close friends, even his own father had rushed to denounce Hoity Toity and support his sentence.
If Hoity Toity, millionaire superstar, was treated like that after being found out, Sweetie Belle could only imagine how people would treat her.
Moreover, Rarity had become more and more invasive over the years. Hardly a day went by when Rarity didn't ask Sweetie about the colts at her school, or mention how well Apple Bloom and Brisk Spark were getting along, yes, how lovely they were together. Sweetie saw right through all of these comments, of course, but she didn't dare tell Rarity that nothing had changed.
Faced with this enormous pressure to conform, Sweetie Belle had simply decided to fake it. She had selected a colt at school - Pipsqueak - and pretended to be interested in him. At first, she had pretended to be shy, and had used this as an excuse to avoid acting upon her supposed romantic interest, but it was becoming clearer over time that this facade was crumbling. Recently, Sweetie had been thinking of secretly setting Pipsqueak up with one of the fillies in her class, and then publicly pretending to be so distressed at this turn of events that she could not even think about other colts for - for - for a very long time.
Stupid plan, actually.
'Sweetie Belle? Can your hear me?'
Suddenly, Sweetie snapped back to reality. 'Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry Scoots, I was just plott- thinking'.
'Hmpf. Well, it looks like Apple Bloom isn't coming, after all. You wanna go do something, or-'
'Hey girls!'
'Apple Bloom! We've been waiting forever. What kept you?'
'Brisk Spark took me to the Bowling Alley. Ya wanna hear about it?'
Sweet Celestia, no, thought Sweetie Belle.
'Sure!' Piped up Scootaloo.
'All right, so first he asked me where I wanted to go, and I said...'
Sweetie Belle always hated hearing about Apple Bloom's dates. Not because they were boring, but because Apple Bloom always seemed so happy when talking about them. Sweetie Belle knew it was terrible of her, but she didn't like the idea of Apple Bloom being happy with anypony but her.
Did that make her a bad friend? Almost certainly. A good friend is supposed to want the best for their friend, for them to be happy, and Apple Bloom clearly was happy with Brisk Spark. Everypony else was right. Sweetie Belle was a freak. No, worse than that, she was a bad pony. She was evil. That was what you called ponies who lied to their sisters and wanted their friends to be unhappy, just so that they could have what they wanted.
Maybe she should ask for help. Sweetie knew there were treatments for ponies like her. She had spent hours in Ponyville library researching them. To her, it had become a twisted obsession, reading tome upon tome, sometimes late into the night, about cures, treatments and other forms of therapy for ponies who had once been like her.
But every time Sweetie Belle considered these treatments, she remembered what she had been told about Hoity Toity
...unable to walk properly....
...can't talk any more, they say. Just babbles about nonsense...
...can't even eat solids. They say he could choke...
It was these nightmarish visions that kept Sweetie from turning herself in, and also kept her awake at night. Try as she might, she simply was unable to fend off a mental image of herself, strapped to a chair, surrounded by doctors, being fed through a...
'Sweetie Belle? Are you.. crying?'
Furious at herself, Sweetie wiped the tears from her face, but the damage was done. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were both staring at their friend, looks of concern in their eyes.
'I'm fine. Sorry, I was just thinking about... uhh... Opalescence'.
Stupid, stupid, stupid excuse. No way they'll buy that.
'Opalescence? Sweetie Belle, she died two years ago. What are you really upset about? You can tell us'.
'Yeah!' Chimed in Scootaloo. 'What is it, Sweetie Belle?'
Sweetie Belle swallowed. 'Really?' She asked. 'You guys won't care? Won't tease me or anything?'
'Of course not, Sweetie.' Scootaloo responded, giving her a supportive smile. 'You're our friend. We would never do that'.
She was right, Sweetie Belle thought. They were her friends, and more than that, they were the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Nothing would ever change that.
'Girls... I think I'm...'
And then she saw it again. The same images. An operating table. Doctors. Knives. Cutting. Blood.
Of course Sweetie Belle couldn't tell them. Of course they would tease her, or hate her. She hadn't just done something wrong. She was wrong. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom wouldn't ever speak to her again. They might even tell the police, who would take her away and give her to the doctors...
How could she have been so foolish? She needed an escape plan, now.
'You're what, Sweetie Belle?'
'I think... I think I'm ugly'.
Genius.
'WHAT?' Scootaloo burst into laughter. 'Is that it?'
'Scootaloo!' Apple Bloom scolded her friend. She turned to Sweetie Belle and shook her head. 'Pay no attention to her. You're not ugly at all.'
'But how come you and Scoots have both got coltfriends, and I haven't?' Sweetie Belle whimpered, determined to take this as far as possible, to wipe away any doubt they two of them might have that she was holding anything back. 'All of the colts at school must think I'm ugly, that's why none of them ever asked me out'.
As a matter of fact, last Hearts and Hooves day, Sweetie had received eight separate love notes pushed into her locker, which she had promptly thrown in the dumpster behind school.
'Maybe they're just worried you're out of their league'. Apple Bloom coaxed. 'Hey, you're always talking about Pipsqueak. Maybe we could help you out?'
'Hey Scootaloo!' Apple Bloom called to the giggling Scootaloo. 'Cutie Mark Crusader Matchmakers, whaddya say?'
Too far, too far!
'NO!' Sweetie yelled.
Apple Bloom jumped, and took a step back. 'Whoa, calm down, Sweetie Belle. It was just a suggest-'
'I-I know.' Sweetie took a deep breath. 'Sorry. It's just - I would feel, like, super embarrassed if Pipsqueak knew how I felt'.
'Aww, don't worry Sweetie Belle,' Apple Bloom soothed. She leaned in and whispered 'After all, if Scootaloo can get a coltfriend, anypony can'.
'Pardon?'
'Nothing, Scoots'
Sweetie Belle smiled at Apple Bloom, who then resumed her ramble about her date with Brisk Spark.
Later that night, Sweetie Belle arrived at the library. Twilight turned to greet Sweetie as she walked in.
'Hey, Twilight'.
'Hey Sweetie Belle. Same as last time?'
'Yeah'.
'I must say, I'm impressed with how consistent you are with this research.'
Sweetie Belle had told Twilight she was coming to the library to research medicine, and that she aspired to become a doctor. Another lie. Sweetie wasn't sure she aspired to anything anymore.
'Well, I'll let you get to it'.
Sweetie Belle trudged up the stairs and looked for the sector labelled 'Medicine'. In truth, she had come here so many times she could get there blindfolded, but still she looked. She supposed it was easier to pretend she was new to this than to admit she had a problem.
Sweetie sat down in the nearest chair with Equestrian Psychosurgery and opened up the contents page. Sure enough, there it was : 'Sexual Disorders'. She scrolled down the list until she arrived at the category : 'Homosexual Disorder, page 227'.
The hours flew by, as Sweetie read first Equestrian Psychosurgery, then Equestrian Manual of Mental Disorders, both containing graphic and disturbing depictions of the operations performed on ponies like her. Sweetie Belle hated herself for doing this, for coming here, knowing she had a problem and doing nothing to fix it, even encouraging it by feeding it, but the simple truth was that she was unable to help herself. She craved to know more, no matter how much it hurt to know that this could one day be her.
The books hurt to read, but they strengthened her resolve. She could never tell anypony. Not the CMC, not Rarity, not her parents. Nopony. That was the only way to avoid featuring in one of these books. These books gave Sweetie the facts, about the world she lived in, and what it could do to her. Sure, ponies could be nice, but they could also be cruel.
As the sky darkened, Sweetie Belle replaced the book on the shelf and walked out of the library.