//------------------------------// // 4: Twilight has a Really Huge Butt // Story: How Spike Kinda Sorta Maybe Married a Changeling // by somatic //------------------------------// As Spike recounted the tale of his impromptu wedding to Twilight, her eyes grew wide, blinked in confusion, squinted in disgust, and stared in utter bewilderment. Her eyes also grew smaller as the spell slowly wore off, though not fast enough to save a few gemstones from the princess’s prominent posterior. “Oops,” she said with a shy smile as she crushed another sapphire. “In my defense, this is a very cluttered cave.” “Yeah. It’s a hoard, it’s kinda supposed to be cluttered. With priceless gems.” Spike winced when he saw the shards of precious stones embedded in the alicorn’s augmented aft section. Twilight’s magic scratched her behind absentmindedly as she paced back and forth, her hoofsteps quieter and quieter with each inch she shrank. “So that’s it? You married her… to get me a birthday present?” Spike twiddled his claws. “Two presents, actually. I’m sure you’ll want to publish a paper about this.” A smile arced across her mouth as Twilight considered the ecstasies of writing a research paper. The smile broadened a bit more when she thought of the cute not-so-little dragon who’d got her the raw data she’d need. “That’s… really sweet.” Spike grinned. “And incredibly stupid.” Spike frowned. Twilight was smaller now, only a few dozen feet taller than usual, but her pacing had quickened to a furious trot. Her eyebrows knitted together and neck muscles knotted. A lone strand of hair sprung free from her bangs. Spike knew that expression. Somewhere behind those violet eyes, thousands of thoughts raced through her head. Thanks to his magic, there was finally room for them all. He could imagine what she was thinking: What will Celestia say? Does changeling law permit divorce? Do I have a book on the subject? Is that a diamond lodged in my derriere? Spike could answer the last one; it was actually a colorless topaz, and it was really jammed up in there between her cheeks. As for the rest, he had no idea. “Spike, what are we going to do?” She wasn’t looking at him, her mind still floating somewhere in Twilightland. “How are we going to tell the others—how are we going to tell Cadance?” She screwed up her face in her best imitation of the pink princess and tried a frankly awful impersonation of her voice. “What’s that you say, Twilight? The baby dragon I foalsat is marrying my archrival?” Her hoof found her face. “Oh, Spike, oh, oh, Spike. What have you done?” A most unwanted voice answered her. “Married me, of course.” Emerald and amethyst eyes swiveled frantically around the room until they settled on the dimly glowing form of Queen Chrysalis, traces of green magic lingering around her. “You should be more impressed, purplish one. I am the most eligible bachelorette in the Badlands.” She snorted. “Granted, I replaced all the other contestants with my drones, but that only goes to show my impressive organizational skills.” Spike and Twilight shook themselves out of their stupor. The princess was the first to speak. “Chrysalis! How did you get here!” The queen shot Twilight a look like a schoolteacher explaining basic addition. “Shapeshifter. I’ve been here for hours.” As if on cue, the nearby battle tank flared green, the treads becoming two tired-looking drones, the detached turret a rather bruised changeling, and the barrel a long-necked nymph. The rest revealed itself as a few pieces of painted cardboard, leaving the utterly-befuddled pony driver to trot away on his own. Spike heard him mutter “But what was the joystick, then?” as he shook his head. Twilight’s horn shimmered slightly as she readied a few defensive spells. “And how many of my royal guards did you drain on the way here?” “One… dozen. Maybe, I don’t count my calories.” She paid barely any attention to the still-shrinking princess, instead filing her hooves with an emery board. Little flecks of black chitin accumulated on the floor of Spike’s hoard. Chrysalis tilted her eyes at Spike in what she thought would be a foxy wink. It ended up looking more like a cicada experiencing a seizure. Spike scratched where his collar would have been with an unsteady claw. “Uh, hey, Queen Chrysalis. Long time, no see…” Twilight stepped between them. “Oh, no you don’t, Chrysalis! You are not going to seduce my baby brother—again!—with your womanly wiles!” The queen cocked an eyebrow. “Again? I already did, you shriveling prune!” As she spoke, Twilight shrank a little more. Spike tried to butt in. “I think we should keep this civil…” Twilight ignored him and raised her voice to compensate for her reduced stature. “Who’s a shriveling prune? You’re older than me by a least a thousand years!” “And with age comes experience in the feminine arts! I guess those diamonds in your buttocks are your attempt at seduction?” Spike raised a claw. “Actually, they’re colorless topaz, commonly confused for…” A burst of lilac magic expelled the offending crystals from Twilight’s rear. “Those were purely accidental! Stop distracting us from the point!” “Oh, and what is this point? That I am an exceptional wife and mother who any dragon should be honored to marry?” The drones chittered happily at her ‘exceptional mother’ phrase. “No, that you’re… you’re a wanted criminal, for stars’ sakes!” Twilight swept her hoof out for emphasis, almost shattering another gemstone. “Well, a royal pardon would solve that, wouldn’t it!” Two nymphs checked a tome on Equestrian law to back up her statement. “I’m not going to pardon you just because of your relationship with my brother! You should be ashamed of yourself, using his romantically frail heart for your vile purposes!” Spike tried to squeeze between the two bickering royals. “Hey, who are you calling ‘frail?’” Whatever they would have answered was drowned out by a magically amplified voice. “Princess Twilight, you are needed in Canterlot!” A scrawny cream-colored guard stood somewhere below, shouting into an enchanted megaphone. “Can’t it wait?” “It is a matter of utmost urgency, princess!” Spike saw anger build up in Twilight’s throat, before it vented itself in one long groan. She rolled her eyes and shouted “Fine! Spike, keep an eye on our unwanted guest!” He wanted to scream “Wait!” but magic warped her away before he could manage more than a strained gurgle. Don’t leave me alone with her! A squad of changelings gathered under Chrysalis, linking their bodies into a exoskeletal throne for their queen. She crossed her legs as she sat, another drone flipping open a dogeared book of romance tips. “So. Spike. Do you enjoy long walks on the beach?”