//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Deeper and deeper // Story: Rough beginnings // by Never2muchpinkie //------------------------------// Derpy felt tense as she sat down at a desk. Shooting stayed standing, slowly pacing around. What could he want from her? Was it good news, the news she’d been hoping for? Was it bad news? He’d already broken up with her. What else could he do to make thing worse? She waited for him to speak, following his movements with her eyes. After a minute he stopped, turning to face her. Her face felt flushed, and she found she couldn’t meet his eyes, a sense of shame permeating through her. He walked up to her, saying, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re growing a belly there.” Derpy fought the urge to cry. She was getting one because of him. Both of them knew that. “So have you heard anything recently?” It took her a few tries to get her voice to work. “A-about what?” she muttered, still looking down at the desk. She stared hard at the wood patterns, trying to lose herself within them. “Maybe you haven’t heard anything, but word is starting to go around. Of course everyone already knows we’re not seeing each other anymore, but now that you’re getting a belly the rumor mill is starting up. “Some ponies think you’re a two-timing tramp, and it’s the real reason we broke up.” Her heart skipped a beat, and she looked up at him at last. “What… do you mean?” “Well, if you’re pregnant and we’re not together it either means that you slept with someone else and that’s why we broke up, or that I’m the father and dumped you to avoid the responsibility.” Derpy met his eyes , trying to discern what was in them. Her head grew heavy, and she stared back down at the desk, once more following the contours of the patterns adorned across them. “So that’s why you’re here, then? You want to tell everyone that it’s my fault, and rub it in that I can’t do anything to stop it?” “It’s the opposite, actually.” Derpy paused in her observation, becoming still. “What are you saying? You’re going to admit you were wrong?” “Oh, no. Not that. It would be simple to ruin you by pretending to know nothing and accusing you of cheating on me, but that’s not what I want.” “So… what then?” Derpy began rubbing her hoof in circles. “Your only other option is to take the blame.” “Well, I’ve got a plan, but I need you. Derpy.” She paused again, her heart starting to ache. ‘I need you too!’ she thought. She tried to hold it back, but she began to hope. “I could ruin your life easily. It wouldn’t cost me anything to spot you in the halls and explode on you, accusing you of cheating on me. That’s not what I want though. I didn’t expect to get you pregnant, so I figure I should do right by you. “I want to keep you under my protection. If other ponies see that we’re still on good terms with one another they’ll keep their worthless mouths shut. There’s no reason to throw you to the dogs after you were so useful to me.” Her thoughts grew consumed with their prom picture. She had been putting all her hopes and dreams and wishes into it, day after day, never once allowing herself to forget the magic of that night. Now was the time. She knew it! He’d had time to think. He knew what would happen to her if he didn’t protect her. Now was the time when everything would become right again. She was finding it difficult to breathe. She hopped out of her seat, unable to contain herself as she threw herself at him, hugging him. She knew he would come around. She knew that wasn’t really him. She looked up at him, tears blurring her vision. “S-Shooting!” She grinned up at him. “Thank you!” Shooting rubbed her head. “You’re just precious, aren’t you?” His touch was so soothing after being deprived of it for so long. It ended far too soon for her taste though, especially when he pulled out of her grip. She missed the feel of him already, but he was back with her. That was enough. “Right, then. So are you game?” “Game?” she asked, confused. “I told you. We need to appear to be best buddies in the halls so they get the idea everything is just fine between us.” “A-appear to be?” Shooting ran a hoof through his mane. “Oh, it appears you got the totally wrong idea of what’s going on here. Did you think I brought you here to confess my eternal love to you and ask if we could start again where we left off?” “Y-yes…” Derpy felt the air deflating out of her balloon of happiness. Shooting shook his head. “I guess I need to make this plain: I… don’t… love… you.” He spoke the words slowly, like he was talking to a toddler. Each word dug into her heart. “I already told you before school ended that you were just a source of entertainment for me. I specifically picked you out because you were the most pathetic creature in school and I wanted a worthy challenge. I performed admirably, did I not? I brought you fame and prestige simply by being attached to me. And in return you did your best to learn the lessons I taught you in an effort to be worthy to be by my side. We were both very useful to one another, but there’s nothing left between us. Isn’t it about time you got that through your thick skull? You’re not that stupid, Bright Eyes.” Derpy was shaking, feeling her hopes and dreams being crushed again. Hadn’t she put enough heart into it? Hadn’t she wished hard enough? Shooting put a hoof on her chin, making her recoil. “Don’t touch me!” she spat out, knocking his hoof away. “Hey!” he said sharply, grabbing her head and glaring at her, making her shudder. His face softened into a smirk as he began rubbing her cheek. Now she was too afraid to move. “There’s no need to be so jumpy.” His voice was smooth as silk now, but she could hear the danger in his voice. “I’m doing you a favor here. I see you in the halls, and I greet you, or you greet me. We have a quick conversation, and then we go about our ways. Simple, right? “That’s all I’m asking of you. In exchange for that I’ll make sure the bullies leave you alone. Let them think what they want about who’s the actual father, but so long as they see we’re still 'good friends' they’ll be afraid to do anything that might make me upset.” Derpy felt a pit of disgust in her stomach as his hoof kept rubbing her cheek. She desperately wanted to back away, but she was too frightened. She had seen too many times the way he could throw power around. Having it turned around on her was terrifying. “You were a loyal little puppy, and you know I like to reward loyalty. Of course… if you don’t like that idea and don’t want to play along, then that’s fine. I’m offering it to you because I only intended to get my fill of you and move on, not to knock you up. But so long as the silence between us continues the rumors will only keep circulating, growing worse with each retelling until someone confronts you.” He dropped his hoof, giving her a slight feeling of relief. She still felt violated. Her breathing was short and sharp. “Well?” Shooting said, sounding bored. “Those are your choices. I give you my word that I won’t spread lies of you sleeping with someone else either way it goes, because that would be very ungrateful after your valuable service. So you can either play along with the game, or we’ll both keep quiet and ignore each other. Which is it?” Derpy closed her eyes tightly. She didn’t want anything from him. She didn’t want any favors from him if things were going to be that insincere, but in her heart she knew that pride would serve her no purpose. She didn’t want to fall back into the pit of bullies and harsh words, and if it felt safe to do so she knew they would seek her out much like before. She didn’t want to endure that torture again. Despite that she was still extremely reluctant to give him the satisfaction, to have to bow at his hooves and beg for a favor. She had a baby growing in her belly, a being that needed her. And nothing else besides the thought of what might happen to it if she grew distraught from teasing and mocking allowed her to proceed. She felt disconnected from her body, much like after the first time he had broken her heart. It was the same sense of not being in control of herself as she moved on autopilot. Her mouth spoke words accepting his proposal, and his hoof patted her head, calling her a good girl before he departed. She walked to the bathroom in a daze, nearly stumbling a few times. She used the wall as a support. As it was the end of the day the halls were empty, much like her heart. No one was in the bathroom when she got there. She locked herself in a stall, letting her emotions free as she cried. Was she just not meant to be happy? Was she just a cosmic joke, the universe constantly teasing her with promises of a joyful life only to steal it away? It was time to accept the truth. Things were never going to get better. Life was only going to remain hollow and cold, no matter what she did. She opened the door, heading to the mirror, tears still streaming down her cheeks. The shame, the feeling of being worthless, just an object to be used… she couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t worth it to try. It was time to give up. Her life wasn’t worth living anymore. She would only be a burden on everyone else if she remained. The thought of the sweet release of oblivion sounded so appealing, but something brought her disquiet. She looked down at the swell of her belly, thinking of the life she was carrying. There was a pony inside her, and her life was no longer just hers. She put a hoof on her stomach, quivering as she inhaled sharply. The pain she was in was excruciating, but she would bear it all and more for the sake of her baby. She would do anything to ensure her baby was safe, no matter what it took. That was the vow she had made to herself back when she almost got the abortion. No matter how terrible her life was, or how much she had to suffer, her baby had to come first. If she couldn’t keep that mindset she would be no better than Shooting Star. She had made the choice to mate with him, and this baby was a result of her choices. She wouldn’t allow it to suffer, no matter how ashamed and humiliated she felt. She took some deep breaths, slowly getting herself under control. She had to discard all these useless emotions. Her baby’s survival was the only thing left she had to live for. After her baby was born her life would become superfluous, but at least she could go knowing she had done one worthwhile thing with it. She had created a new life, something her parents would have to remember her by. Wasn’t that enough? Deadness permeated through her, a muting of her body. The ache of her heart disappeared, her only concern now for her child. She forced a smile on her face, though it felt she might snap at any moment. “Hey there, Shooting Star!” she cried out in an overly happy tone, her voice cracking. She shook her head. That wouldn’t do. She clutched her stomach. She had to do better for her child. What she did now would determine its safety. “Hi, Shooting!” “What’s up, Shooting?” “Shooting! How are you?” She kept speaking in the mirror, getting control of her voice, making her smile not so wide and creepy. “Hi there, Shooting.” It came out smooth, almost natural. Her smile barely cracked this time. She kept at it until someone came in. It was the janitor, there to clean it. She made some excuse and left, returning home. Her parents were in the living room. “Hi, Mom and Dad!” She greeted them heartily, putting as much spark in as she could. “School was just great today!” After a brief moment of hesitation and a quivering lip she shut out her feelings as she touched her belly. “I got to see Shooting Star! He’s just as dreamy as ever!” She told complete lies of how she had been late because of things they had done together, proud that they didn’t catch on. When she returned to her room she felt a wave of nausea. She left her room, going to the closet and taking out a garbage bag. It was over! That was clear. She returned to her room, opening her closet. She grabbed the expensive dress he had given her and tossed it in the bag. With each item she felt the knot in her stomach pull tighter. Flowers, books, stuffed animals, photos; valuable memories, thrown right into the trash. Wasn’t it just so fitting, the way he had done the same to her gift? When the bag was full she tied it up and threw it right into the bin outside, feeling a small sense of power. She returned to her room, now a little emptier and colder. As she had gone about her room grabbing things her mind had avoided the drawer, but now it drew her attention and she couldn’t stop herself from opening it up. She took out the familiar photo. By now she had memorized every detail of it. Her mind turned to the bag of gifts outside, but she made no move to retrieve them. If Shooting came back to her he could always buy her new gifts to show his dedication. If not… well, then she had already cleaned house. The photo, though, she couldn’t throw away. It was too powerful of a moment to throw away. It had led to the biggest moment of her life. She wouldn’t give up her hope that things could be like that once again. She saw the happiness between them as they stood on stage, a perfect reminder of the best day of her life. She clenched her eyes shut. No more of that. She had to get back into the right mindset. Putting on her plastic smile and staring at the photo she began to speak the words again, knowing the disaster that could emerge if she wasn’t able to pull it off right when she came to talk to him for real. “Hey, Shooting! Hey, Shooting! H-hey… S-S-Shooting!” As she felt the tears start she scolded herself. Now was not the time. She couldn’t let herself slip. Those emotions would only get in the way now. She put the photo back in the drawer and went to her bed, rubbing her belly. “Oh, my little baby,” she said thickly. “You’re the only thing left that’s keeping me going now.” She held her stomach tightly, thinking of the helpless thing growing inside her. Her child had to come first, no matter what. She took a deep breath, taking out the photo again. She’d practice all night if she had to, until she could distance herself from those emotions. “Hey, Shooting! Hey, Shooting! Hey, Shooting…”