//------------------------------// // The Saddle Row Review // Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student // by milesprower06 //------------------------------// Additional contributions by MixMassBasher THE EQUESTRIA DAILY NEWS (BY J. JONAH JAMESON BURIED LEDE) RARITY FOR YOU, GRAND OPENING: A SADDLE ROW REVIEW Many a pony have tried their hoof at joining the ranks of the elite fashion trendsetters currently ensconced in the boutiques of Manehattan's famed Saddle Row. Some might say it's the ultimate achievement in Equestrian fashion, and never before has a reporter been granted such unfettered behind-the-scenes access... until now. The episode synopsis Sources have stated, Rarity, the Element Bearer of Generosity, has opened up a new boutique in Manehatten after using the megaton of funding and credibility from her "going out of business/going back into business sale" in order to set up shop. This new boutique has to face much competition here with the thrift shop down the road and the grand re-opening of an old pizzeria. To start off, I interviewed the apparent friends of Little Miss Rarity to get the scoop of the lifetime about how the opening of the boutique came about: What was your motivation to helping your friend, Rarity, set up shop? "Let's get this straight, I was only helping Rarity with her boutique because she said she'd let me bone her later; latex-fetish style." "I was only here to avoid a certain bunny from arresting me from illegal firearms trading." "I was just forced dragged along into doing this. And in the end, I was plum tuckered out from doing all that shit. What a fashion disaster." "I only tagged along to add twenty percent more awesomeness to it. I mean come on! Rarity's taste in fashion is complete shit now! She needs a mare like me to help shed some light on the matter. I mean, what would she do without me? Wait... Are you writing this down?!?" "Eep!!!" What were preparations like? "Well, it was off to a great start!" "No it wasn't. To start off, the place was a fucking mess. It looked like a bunch of raccoons rampaged through the whole area. Urgh! Why didn't I bring Fax Machine along..." "Apparently all that mess was caused by a family of raccoons. Very cute. Well, if you don't count the oddball in the family that likes to steal things with its trusty cane." "There was also this awesome club pony party palace upstairs by the one and only DJ Pon-3!!! Guess she and Octavia didn't get along in the end and she moved here. But Rarity wanted to get rid of that? What a party pooper!" "There was an even bigger problem; the landlord's daughter. I think she was more fried than a chicken on a hot summer day. With all her fancy schmancy "ideas". Good thing my folks ain't like that." "Yes they are, Applejack." "Okayyy. I'll be honest, darling, it was ghastly. Everything was falling apart before we even finished sweeping. In fact, my shipment from Ponyville was a mess. Those Celestia-damned movers... Then there was a fact that Miss Pommel was sick. Sweet Celestia! Could it get any worse!?" Was it worse? "Yeah. It was. It would have been faster if only I had clones of myself. We’d be ten times more productive than we were currently. I could even get into a freebie gang bang orgy session with myself afterwards." "Yeah... Making copies of yourself always sounds like a great idea, but before you know it, you're locked in a room with fifty Pinkie Pies inhaling paint fumes." "Ahhhh! I've been spotted!" somepony cried from behind. "Huh?" Pinkie turned around in her seat in the diner to see nothing. "Must've be the wind..." "Get this. Rarity tasked me to get a new salespony. What the fuck?!? She expects an awesome mare such as myself to do what she herself should be doing? That bitch! What would she do, honestly... Huh. Lemme think. Darlings, I'm absolutely doomed, doomed, doomed! Hehe, I sound just like her! Wait, you're still writing this down?" "Well, if you don't count the fact that we locked Rarity in the window display. Oh urm... When you write the story, could you maybe skip over that part? How did it end? "You think a pony such as myself, who has spent years organizing books to pure perfection, would mess up? Bitch please. The whole place organized by style, cross-referenced by size, and reverse-indexed by fabric. She'll be able to find anything in three seconds flat! It was by far my best work." "Fuck you, Twilight! That ten seconds flat meme is my line! Where's the fair use?" "So, I hired all of them. Got a problem with that? I'm lazy, so piss off. It's Rarity’s problem to pay them afterwards." "Well I brought the party downstairs. The strobing lights and drugs are bound to disguise any remaining mess left behind." At this point the bill for all the food Pinkie Pie ate arrived. "Oh. Ah... You mind paying for the bill? I'll pay it back of course. Unless you are one of those one off characters." "In the end, I had the little raccoons dressed up to serve customers, so they could stay there. I heard a restaurant down the road does something similar with a blue rat, so why not here?" "Well. I did like her silverware clothes idea. Quite practical. Had her serve soup alongside those damn dirty ‘coons. Doubt customers notice the difference between them with how kooky she is." "I'm just glad it's over." Straight afterward, she fainted on the couch in front of Buried Lede, whom continued scribbling on her notepad. And what did I think of the opening? Well, it was certainly interesting, I'll tell you that. I would certainly say it was a smashing success despite her ne'er-do-well friends. A vision of Rarity combined with the strange charm of her friends! This reporter, for one, is impressed that such a mare tolerates such friends. Next issue: The Element Bearer of Laughter accused of illegal firearms trading. Dear Sunburst, Twilight and her friends ditched me. So much for friendship, I guess. Mind if I crash at your place? Just get the condoms ready. Your old friend, Starlight Glimmer Dear Twilight Sparkle, Sorry I made fun about your obsession to silverware. I think I just met somepony worse than you in that regard. Your apologetic friend, Applejack Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash, My sweeping song could have looked more spectacular if that black mouse hadn't stolen my Starswirl magician's cap!!! Your organized spellcaster, Twilight Sparkle Dear DJ Pon-3, Mind making a remix of my sweeping song? A talented spellcaster and magician, Twilight Sparkle Dear Twilight, You're welcome, Vinyl Scratch Dear Friends, You guys locked me up in a room? Seriously? The display room's conditions were simply dreadful. It's so musty and damp that my mane is in tangles. The air was so stuffy that I was suffocating. And that stench. Oh that stench. And oh my I thought I was going to die of thirst and hunger in there! What was I going to eat in there. The cloths? And furthermore.... Your oh so drama queen, Rarity Dear Rarity, Stop your whining, you piece of shit! Why didn't you just teleport out like we did in the dragon lands? Guess all those times when you starved yourself dieted has not only made you slim, but has cut off all your functioning brain cells. I suggest a daily dosage of TLF (Tender Love and Fucking) to fix that. Just come by the castle when you're ready. A professional rapist doctor, Twilight Sparkle Dear Buried Lede, Thanks for paying the bill!! Your interviewee, Pinkie Pie Dear Equestrian Clone Protection Program, I need to relocate. My cover is blown. Make sure it's somewhere fun. Sincerely, Pinkie Pool Dear Coco Pommel, I see we've been calling you Miss Pommel this entire episode. What ever happened to your first name? Sincerely, Rarity Dear Rarity, What happened? The pathetic horse shit that is copyright law. Forever and always, Coco Pommel Dear Rarity, You know I love books, right? Turns out I have a book full of tips on opening and maintaining small businesses. I skimmed through it, and strangely enough, I couldn't find the tip that says "Don't wait until the day of opening to start setting up. Probably because that's so fucking obvious that nopony thought it needed writing down. Clearly there is need for a revision now, thanks to you. Sincerely, Twilight Dear Mr. Stripes, Seeing as how I'm a very successful tenant who will have no trouble relocating my store elsewhere if need be, I feel comfortable saying this now. Keep your fashion abomination of a daughter out of my decision making process, you fucking commie. Sincerely, Rarity