The morning after the pretty pony and princess palace sleepover was pretty much what anyone who knew the girls would have expected. Twilight got up and tried to make a daily schedule that accounted for the fact she was currently in Canterlot before she began calculating how much that threw off her weekly schedule. Rainbow Dash, the pony Twilight had unfortunately slept with in a way that was totally platonic, then popped the purple unicorn upside the head with their pillow, and grabbed a half-awake Spike that Twilight had dragged out of his room for some reason that involved lists to use as a replacement full-body pony pillow, despite his status as a dragon, and tried to go back to sleep. Applejack slipped out of Rarity’s grip to show us she had one of those morning person personalities along with Pinkie Pie, while Rarity mumbled something about beauty sleep before she tried to get back to bed. This of course proved to be an exercise in futility since Pinkie Pie reappeared barely more than five minutes after she left with two carts of glazed everything with a side of frosted everything else.
Shortly after which, Luna had me tackle Tia to keep the Princess of Plot from breaking her diet and drag the rounder pony off to the royal bathroom so we could get each other presentable for the day. Not to mention all the other morning stuff even princesses needed to take care of. I think Twilight took the news that Celestia actually needed to poop like every other pony pretty well. Rainbow only had to ask her what the hay was going on to snap Purple Smart out of her daze instead of having to use full hoof to back of the head contact.
Once we had managed to get everything going, the removal of Princess Celestia from the seat of power went by pretty fast. She just signed a pair of papers over breakfast that relieved her of any decision-making authority for seven days, and forwarded all the inquires regarding the ruling of Equestria to Cadance while Luna wasn’t on the throne.
Luna didn’t actually need to sign anything since she had been reinstalled as Celestia’s equal about a week after we arrived in Equestria. It probably would have been sooner, but...well, she was still under possession by an eldritch abomination that Celestia had no reason to believe wanted to do anything but kill everything on the planet for the longest time.
And after breakfast was over with, Tia packed up her necessities in a rather small suitcase before she went with the girls to the train station. Apparently, part of the whole vacation thing was going ‘full commoner’ and that meant traveling coach with the rest of the nobodies that had happened to save the world instead of using her personal chariot or just accessing some godlike power to teleport about a hundred-plus miles.
We didn’t follow her all the way to the train station of course. That would have been stupid. Instead, Luna and I just said our goodbyes at the palace’s entrance while my aides and Trixie waited on us to start the day’s business. Well, Trixie wasn’t really waiting on us to start the day, she just kind of latched onto the two of us like a puppy after the events of last night, and I didn’t really have the heart to tell her to get lost. So, it was just me with Minuette and Twinkleshine on either side of us while Twixie stood out of in front of us to share a quick goodbye while Moondancer followed us from behind like my own know-it-all shadow.
“Now, we know that you are on a vacation Sister, but at least try to abstain from eating a whole cake a day,” Luna told Tia. “Rarity has already taken our measurements. It wouldn’t do for the backside of thy dress to require alterations when this Gala you need to attend is still months away.”
I made a sound of disagreement and rolled Luna’s eyes before taking control of her mouth. “It’s a vacation Luna. Celestia is supposed to gain at least ten pounds,” I told her before focusing my attention on the pony with the biggest butt in Equestria. “Just kick back, relax, and stop surrounding yourself with unicorns all the time.”
For some reason, Celestia just gave me this weird look before she glanced down at my attendants and shook her head while mumbling something I could only half hear. Then she looked back up to address me. “I’ll um...be sure to keep that in mind Nighty,” she said before glancing down at my aides again for a second and then back up to me. “Send me a letter if you have any questions you need to ask or...actually, just send me a letter at the end of the day. Problems or no.”
“Sister. Upon hearing such words, one would think you do not trust my ability to govern,” Luna deadpanned.
There was the tiniest fraction of a wince in Celestia’s body as Luna made her comment, but I think she covered it up well enough before letting out a tiny sigh and shaking her head. “It’s not that, Luna. I just...can you please just humor me with this? I just want to know what’s going on in my kingdom.”
“Well, it’s not like she probably won’t read about it in the papers a day later, right?” I asked Luna before the alicorn could take offense at Tia’s complete lack of faith in her ability to govern.
Luna sighed and turned her eyes over to her own shoulder like we usually did when talking to each other when a mirror wasn’t handy. “We suppose you have a point,” she said before looking back to Celestia. “But only to show you that you need not worry about your absence.”
After we watched Celestia and the girls take off, it was our turn to get ready to head out. Which meant choosing a mix of pegasi and bat ponies with some unicorns to provide support and a few earth ponies because...well, okay, I’m not really sure why Luna had us bringing along half a dozen earth ponies when we had the quadrupeds that could fly and throw around lightning bolts along with a good number of unicorns strong enough to hurl dozens of spears or one very large rock. Guys that could hit really hard just didn’t seem all that cool in contrast.
Thus did we find ourselves waiting outside the military barracks in Canterlot as troops and supplies were being readied to be taken to the train depot. Nightwing was there of course. He was being his usual stoic self to the point I didn’t know if he was just trying to act cool, or that whole nocturnal thing meant he was even more useless than a Season 5 Spike during the day. I decided to let him do his stand around and look important thing.
I had my Twinkling Toothpaste team too because, well...if this whole diamond dog thing was going to take as long as the buffalo incident did, I wanted my living plushies on hand to play with.
Then there was the rest of my entourage…
“Trixie was thinking she could be something like...court magician. Uh, that’s a real position, right?” Trixie asked as hesitation overcame her stage presence.
Since I didn’t actually know, Luna gave the mare with self-esteem issues the answer to her question with all of her usual amount of tact. “We have had many fools provide us with entertainment over the years, and there does seem to be an opening.”
I winced at Luna’s description of what she thought Trixie wanted to do and looked down at the little pony walking beside us. “Not that we think you’re stupid or anything Trixie!” I assured her. “It’s just that Luna’s really old, and sometimes she says things that don’t sound so good in the modern-”
Trixie sighed and held up a hoof. “I understand Lady Nightmare,” she told me before I could finish. “I didn’t have any illusions about Princess Luna offering to take me on as a student. The difference between my magical talents and those of a unicorn capable of attracting the attention of a princess has been made quite clear to me.”
With me being the only one of the two personalities inside the ultimate authority in Equestria that could talk Trixie out of her funk, I tried grasping at what straws I could. “But you’re really good at what you do and you enjoy it too, that’s what really matters, right?”
My pep talk didn’t seem to do anything, as Trixie just sighed and lowered her head. “But what’s the point when somepony else is around who shines so much brighter?”
A weird feeling that made a few parts of Luna’s body shiver passed through our spine before a noise came out my muzzle. “Grk!”
I frowned. “Uh...Luna?”
Completely ignoring me, the real owner of the body I was in spun our head over to look at Trixie. “Trixie Lulamoon! Thou shall accompany us upon the train to the city of diamonds, where we shall continue this conversation!” she ordered.
Trixie’s expression became uncertain at Luna’s sudden adaption of her royal persona, but she nodded nonetheless. “Um...very well, Your Highness.”
“Excellent! Now, to the throne room! We must make personal preparations, finish our duties, and bid farewell to our niece post haste if we are to keep on schedule!” Luna told me. After I had trotted a few feet away from the group, the Princess of the Night let out a sigh and grumbled to me...or herself, it was kind of hard to tell sometimes. “I see Twilight Sparkle takes after Sister in more ways than one.”
The schedule of an Equestrian Princess is one full of work. Even after we trimmed the fat off Celestia’s list of daily duties that involved things like pinning medals on the chest of pegasi who saved kittens from being trapped in trees and earth pony guards who managed to go a whole year without missing a day, there was still a lot to do before we could get going.
Like how I had to get everypony else ready for the trip. I had our resident nerd grab everything she could find out about the place on top of pony history reports that dealt with the dogs to see just why there was only one city for them in the world.
Kind of like the griffons.
And the crystal ponies.
Plus, the buffalo and dragons weren’t all that numerous either…
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that uncommon for an entire species of creatures to only have enough members to populate a city state and some outlying farms on Pony World. But as I came from a race of creatures that had overpopulated numerous places on my former planet, seeing a sapient species that didn’t go forth and multiply was a little odd from my point of view.
But even after I had Moondancer and the girls pack our stuff, before we were do to leave, I needed to check in with and up on the dark empress of...uh...something like love. But EVIL!
So I walked Luna to the throne room, where a line of somewhat irritable ponies were waiting to be heard with their in-person-petitions. Of course, said line actually extended beyond the throne room, and when I actually walked through the double doors, I found the line snaked its way around a chamber large enough to play football in.
The real football. With the men, and the pads, and just the two guys that kicked stuff.
I took one look at the mess, and Luna let out a loud sigh. It was one of those dejected sighs that she used when she was trying to sink back into that Tantabus-causing depressions. The ones where she said that she needed to be punished, but not in the fun way with paddles.
“Something wrong Luna?” I asked while several of the ponies looked at us with curious expressions. Thanks to Luna’s sleeping schedule, we had never really been to the day court in...well, ever. So, I kind of gave the ponies staring at us a pass on the odd looks while Luna and I conversed.
Luna shook her head. “Tis simply...bad memories,” she mumbled too low for anybody else to hear. “The line of ponies seeking my sister’s aid has grown even longer in my absence, I see.”
Despite how things like facts tended to be disregarded on the basis of emotional responses like my pony was feeling, I still tried my best to pull Luna out of her funk. “Oh come on Lulu! Equestria probably has like, fifty-times as many ponies as it did when you were around,” I told her. Considering how much human hygiene had improved in one-thousand years, it was probably a good deal more. “So if you factor that in, there’s less ponies coming and asking for Celestia’s help! Plus, I bet the ones that are coming have really stupid problems!”
I looked around at the line of ponies and picked out a nerdy-looking unicorn mare with a thick pair of glasses that rivaled Moondancer’s and a satchel at her side. If anypony was going to be one of those ponies that needed a princess to pull a splinter out of her hoof, it would be her. “Like you! What’s your stupid problem that could probably be solved by a two-year-old?”
The unicorn blinked, and then magicked open her satchel. “Ah yes, you would be Princess Luna’s advisor, Nightmare Moon, correct?” she asked before she brought out an official-looking document. “I’m from the Stable of Education, and we would like to ask Princess Luna for any historical information regarding her first reign of Equestria. I’m afraid the amount of information we have regarding Your Majesty is...well, nonexistent. I came here to petition Princess Celestia for permission to assign a team of historians to look through some of Princess Celestia’s personal archives to find out the truth involving the details of the time that the two of you reigned together, Princess.”
As the pony in front of us bowed, I twisted her words around to try and get my point across. “See? This pony just wants to find out how awesome you were back before I showed up. We sure don’t need anypony getting an accurate assessment of history that tells everypony how you fought off monsters all night between making sure the foals of Equestria weren’t mentally scarred for life, right Luna?”
Luna let out a sigh as I released her mouth. “It twas not as important as you make it to be, my other.”
Rather than get into an argument on the merits of Luna’s importance, mainly because Celestia had gone on and on about how vital she was plenty of times before in the middle of a fucking utopia that seemed to get along just fine without her in the grand scheme of things, I trotted over to the next pony I could see that had on some fancy clothes after assuring the historian we’d talk another day and telling her to get in touch with either Minuette or Twinkleshine some other day. “How about you sir?” I asked a rather pudgy pegasus stallion with a light beard while fighting down my urge to ask him just how the hell facial hair worked in Equestria. “What brings you to court today?”
The pegasus stallion turned around to look at me, or Luna’s chest since that’s what he was even with, and then got all wide-eyed before looking up to our face. “Princess Luna! Thank...um...well-”
“Direct your gratitude towards my advisor Nighty,” she told the guy evenly.
Pega-Beard cleared his throat. “Ah...yes,” he said before composing himself. “Princess Luna, I am Surgeon General, the chairpony of the Equestrian Medical Association, and we would like to hold a ceremony in which we would present you with an award for the work you’ve done in reforming the rather...ahem...pointed problems present in Canterlot’s medical facilities. If I could just know when you have an opening in your schedule, we could set that date for the ceremony.”
I held up a hoof. “I’m afraid Princess Luna isn’t interested in being patted on the back for her hard work and many contributions to Equestrian Society at the moment,” I told him before stopping right there to wait and let Luna countermand my orders.
So I waited.
And waited.
And…
“Oh for the love of-Luna!” I told Moonbutt as I looked at her cutie mark. “This is the part where you say ‘Nay! Tis most agreeable to us that we should be given our richly deserved rewards along with cake and ice cream!”
Luna let out a dejected sigh. “That was you Nighty,” she reminded me. “And all we did was point out some minor foolishness involving the fact that the medical center was not fit to treat pegasi. Something many ponies already knew.”
I groaned and slumped a bit before looking ahead to the stallion. “Sorry, but Princess Luna’s a bit out of it this morning, she’s really more of a night mare,” I explained before thinking up something to get this over with. “Look, our scheduling assistant Sparkler doesn’t show up in Canterlot until noon. So if you really need to meet with her, take the first train to Ponyville and work a meeting with Luna out with her.”
“Nighty-”
“Thou’est art most correct! Twould be a capital idea old chum! Pip pip! Cheerio and...uh, all that,” I managed to say before my mouth betrayed me.
“Puth! Bul-wah! Nighty! What art thou doing?” Luna demanded as she looked back at her left flank.
After I got control of our mouth again, I looked to Luna’s right rear half. “I’m talking like you do so Dr Whatshisface doesn’t know and you turn down a much needed cheer-up-session,” I told her with a frown before wondering if it was too late to swing by the train station and stop Pinkie Pie from leaving.
Then my view shifted to the other half of Luna’s ass. “I sound nothing like that!” she told me.
“Yes, you do.”
“Neigh!” Luna replied. “Thou dost speak with an classic Trottingham accent! Our speech is that of the much more refined Unicornian Canterlot!”
There was several mumbles of agreement from all around us, and I had a startling realization of my situation. While we were simply having an animated conversation, to them, it would look like Princess Luna was having an argument with her own ass. Considering it was a positive image of the princess that I wanted to cultivate, doing such things in public was...probably not a good idea.
So I cleared Luna’s throat, and… “Ahem! Yeah, well...we’re here to tell Cadance goodbye, so…” I leaped into the air and soared over the crowd to land a foot away from the start of the line, but behind the pony that was talking to the dark princess of pinkness.
Cadance looked...incredibly bored as she sat there on a throne built for a butt that was about four sizes bigger than her. Her eyes were half-closed, and her head lowered slowly in that way when you know somebody’s about to fall asleep. She was so out of it, I don’t even think she noticed me.
The well-dressed white unicorn stallion that was talking on the other hand, he did pick up on our presence. “For the love of Celestia!” he said as he began to turn around. “Can’t you brainless rabble wait your-oh! P-Princess Luna!”
“Hello,” I greeted the agitated pony with a deadpan voice.
White Unicorn cleared his throat. “Ah. Finally, a real princess!” he exclaimed with a bit of a smile. “Now, perhaps somepony will finally be able to help me.”
“We are not here to listen to thy grievances,” Luna told what I assumed was a Canterlot noble before looking back to me. “Nighty, trot us up to our niece.”
I blinked at the pony before pushing my way through his sense of superiority and ducking under the ego that touched the ceiling on my way to Cadance as the pink demon in question jerked her head up just as it fell that final inch that would have made it clear she was dozing off. “”Oh! Auntie! Nighty! Hello,” she said with a smile before she jerked herself wide awake. “Wait! I thought you were supposed to be leaving for the diamond dog’s land. Did something happen?”
Luna shook her head. “Neigh. We simply wished to wish you a fond farewell.”
“Oh,” Cadance replied before blinking away some of the sleep that was threatening to close her eyes for a lot longer than a second. “Well in that case, would you mind doing something for me? I...forgot to grab some coffee before I came here and after last night, I could really use a pick me up.”
After letting Cadance’s excuse run around in my head for a second, I looked over to the able bodied pegasus guard standing to the right of the dais, then the one standing at attention on the left. While the Equestrian military didn’t seem to be able to handle dragons, diamond dogs, plants, or the occasional sneezing baby, I was pretty sure all the money that went into their training made them fine coffee fetchers.
But, as I looked back to the pink face of the female in front of Luna, I finally took notice of an annoying detail I was able to put out of my mind until the love monster had shoved it right in my face: Cadance was a pony.
And I couldn’t really say no to a pony.
Not even a monstrously evil, yet still somehow adorably cute one, like Cadance.
“Well...we do have a few minutes, I guess,” I said to help guide Luna in the wrong direction that would eventually have us helping Cadance. Because...you know...she was evil. And us good guys don’t help evil tyrants.
Luna nodded her head. “Very well. We shall take thy burden and allow a brief respite. Time enough to retrieve some elixir of awakening, at any rate.”
I mentally raised Luna’s eyebrow at the reply. I knew my landlord tended to revert back to her old speech patterns whenever she was excited or upset, but...what I was hearing seemed a little much.
“Thanks,” she said before leaning in to whisper to the two of us. “After listening to this blowhard for over an hour, I really need a pickmeup.”
Then Cadance began to rise, and then froze before looking back at us. “Just um, don’t let Nighty be too...tyrannical,” she said before trotting away a little too quickly.
“Wait...what?” I asked Cadance. But as I turned around to try and catch her, I found the pretty pink pony princess was already gone.
Luna cleared her throat. “Nighty, place us upon the throne if you would,” she asked/told me. “And look out to the crowd so that we might address them all, then focus on the stallion desiring our personal attention when we have finished.”
After I did as instructed, Luna cleared her throat and took a deep breath.
“Citizens of Equestria! Your Princess of the Night has come before you all to address thine individual needs. Present thyself, so we might offer relief!”
I...kept my mouth shut.
I was in a pony society after all. What Luna had just said...well...
Oh hell, I was Nightmare fucking Moon, if anybody was stupid enough to laugh or anything, I'd snap them in two.
The big white stallion looked around nervously stepped forward. “Ah-hem...yes. “Your Highness. I am D. Baiter, the head of The Committee on Unification Matters.”
So...wait, it’s like some sort of anti-racist-slash-discrimination league or something? I asked myself as I relaxed upon realizing there wasn't going to be an outbreak of giggles. Although I had to suppose that it was a good thing something like that existed, it seemed little outdated. Sure, there was some problem with the medical care a pegasus could receive in Canterlot, on top of the fact that the most important council in Equestria was 100% unicorn, along with how only ponies with horns seemed to be among the nobility and...okay, maybe there was a good reason to have ponies looking around to make sure there wasn’t any mistreatment going on but...well, I had seen how fast things could go south when it came to such organizations when it came to us humans.
Plus, the guy was a unicorn.
While I’m sure a unicorn could run run some kind of anti-discrimination league...the odds against it being on the up and up seemed...pretty low.
“Very well then, Master Baiter. What what manner of problem has thy C.U.M. brought before us today?”
And thus, did all of my worries about some kind of pony discrimination problem in Equestria disappear, to be replaced by Luna just shouting...that, for half of Canterlot to hear.
…
…
…
The entire room was silent as every single pony just openly stared up at the Princess of the Night.
And Master Baiter just kind of went… “Um...it’s uh...I...um…”
“Well? We hardly have all day. What is thy trouble that you cannot simply bring forth? Out with it already!”
The big stallion with the white coat continued to move his mouth, but no more sound came out.
“Ugh. We tire of thee. When next you show yourself to a princess, I hope this impotence that has overtaken you is no longer a problem. NEXT!”
Not a moment too soon, Cadance appeared back in the throne room’s little side exit door that she had left from with a large cup of something steamy floating next to her. “Oh, Auntie Luna,” she said with a nervous smile that I could spot from a mile away as she walked past the extremely nervous stallion. “Thank you for taking care of that for me while I was getting my coffee.”
“We…”
Luna cleared her throat as Cadance’s mane finished blowing around in the wind our word had generated. “We thank you, dear niece.”
As I got up from Celestia’s seat and got one last look at the retreating pony, my better nature got the best of me, and I couldn’t help but turn Luna’s head over to Cadance. “Out of curiosity, just what was it that he wanted, anyway?”
The halfway pleasant look on Cadence’s face died an instant later, and the pink princess let out a groan. “Same thing he always wants to talk about whenever one of those ponies shows up to court,” she grumbled with a role of her eyes before her tone took on an unpleasant edge. “How Equestria should be properly integrated, with all the earth ponies farming the land while the pegasi keep the clouds moving, and unicorns being put in charge because...well, I’m sure you’ve heard all the reasons. You know, unicorns use twenty-percent more of their brain than other ponies, and how it should be their duty to make sure the other tribes are doing their jobs properly since unicorns no longer have the honor of controlling the sun and moon.”
“Well…” Luna mumbled uneasily as she moved my gaze to focus on the wall behind Cadance. “Sister and I did take that from them. They...needed something to help fill the gap afterwards.”
Cadance frowned back at us. “You mean those two big things in the sky that overtaxed any group of unicorns that tried to move them to the point where their ability to use magic was permanently damaged and their horns unable to function?” she asked in an even tone. “Plus, haven’t those ponies you and Celestia made feel bad been dead for awhile? Even when-er, before you...um, had your...sabbatical?”
The comment got a sigh from Luna. “I have forgotten what it is like to talk to a mortal princess about matters of state and the like,” she said before she shook her head for a moment and looked Cadance straight in the eyes. “We understand your frustrations about such rhetoric and the ideals behind it. But short of using magic to reform everypony in Equestria, I doubt there will ever be a solution for stopping ponies from having dissenting opinions. Especially the kind of a foolish nature.”
“I know, I know. I’ve heard it all from Celestia before,” she replied stepping into a more rehearsed tone. “Everypony is entitled to their own opinions. Forcing an instant change in society might seem like a good idea, but that’s before you have to call the military in to ensure compliance of your new laws and stop the riots. Spreading the wealth just makes everypony poor and kills any incentive to be a success. Real princesses don’t build walls, because griffons and dragons can fly, while diamond dogs will just dig under them.”
Before Cadance could get any further, I jumped in. “Okay, so um...on that note, I’m gonna go,” I told her. “Luna’s got a schedule to keep after all.”
After a second of silent frowning at me, Cadance sighed away her tension. “That okay. I need to get back to work away,” the pink pony replied. Although as I turned to leave, she held out a hoof to stop me. When I looked back, there was some hesitation on her face. “Um...Nighty. I know we don’t have the time right now, and your nights are probably pretty busy, but...when you have time, there’s something I need-er, want to talk to you about.”
The unease in her voice made me blink. “Uh...okay,” I said before continuing on.
Unfortunately I made the mistake of looking back as the next petitioner approached, and I caught the beginning of Monty Python’s opening remarks. “Well if it ain’t the baby princess that was raised in a village consisting of a single tribe with an extremely limited education system, who ain’t got one-tenth of the life experience that either of the others got! Tell me young filly, what makes you think you can just fly around barking orders and shooting everypony with love beams?”
“I don’t even know where to begin on how wrong the mental picture you paint of me is,” Cadance deadpanned while I turned away. “First off, I shoot bursts of magic shaped like floating hearts, not beams. And if I was hitting everypony with them, the stuff coming out your mouth would actually be more pleasant than what comes out your plot. And anypony can bark orders, but the crown I’m wearing means the guards will probably do what I tell them to. Observe. Guards, escort this pony out of the throneroom. NEXT PETITIONER!”
I frowned and looked away from the stallion. “Why is it that guys like these always seem to be at the front of the line?”
Luna chuckled. “Most likely because they have nothing better to do than stand around outside the palace several hours before it is time for court so that they can be first in line,” she said. “I have found the only way to dissuade such action is by making other ponies see them for the joke that they usually are.”
After seeing some of the crowd giggle while the pony in question was carried out, I frowned and looked back to the lunar princess. “Hey Luna...when you were up on the throne...did you mean to say all that stuff?”
Luckily, we managed to get to the train station right as the last of the equipment was being loaded, so we didn’t cause much of a wait for everyone else. Once I landed, I snatched up my Toothpaste and Twinkie ponies that were checking over the paperwork in a nice big hug before nuzzling the two of them hard and carrying them into the first car that was assigned to us so I could take a seat on my oversized couch on the side of the train car with both my snuggle ponies still in my grip.
The train car was much different from the one that Celestia and I had used to get to Appleloosa. Despite the fact that it had housed two princesses, that thing had been little more than a hastily thrown together box on wheels with some benches big enough for the plumpest plots in Equestria to be parked on. The train I walked into looked...royal.
Aside from the fine accouterments that the other train car had to cover up its humble beginnings as what was probably nothing more than a large cargo box, I could tell from the lack of curtains hiding minor blemishes combined with the complete lack of minor blemishes that the train we were in had been built for carrying around royalty. Lunar royalty, if the dark purple drapes, blue carpeting and black paint job was any indication.
Trixie took a seat next to the back door that led to our sleeping car, and Moondancer came in last with a collection of books and a slide projector. Then she raised a table up from the middle of the floor before pulling down the screen to show the pictures up against. By the time the train had begun to move, Minuette had snagged some popcorn for all four of us while Twinkie managed to grab some sodas.
We were still waiting on Moondancer to get all the slides in the correct order though.
So, while Moony walked around the cramped room to shake her somewhat bouncy booty at the four of us in turn, I looked over to Trixie. “So um...Trixie...you look…” Any attempt to lie just died on my tongue. “Kind of...sad? Anything I can do to help?”
“Well, you could let her get between your legs,” Moondancer suggested.
If it wasn’t for the fact that Nightmare Moon was big enough to swallow popcorn kernels whole, I probably would have choked to death right then and there. As for the rest of my horny ponies, Minuette nearly spit out her soda, and Twinkleshine’s eyes got even rounder than they should have been. Nearly My Little Pony television show big. Meanwhile, Trixie’s face turned bright red, and she looked down at the cup between her legs before pulling her hat down to hide her face.
“M-Moondancer!” I scolded the other pony. As for Luna, I could hear her laughter inside my head.
Said unicorn looked up at me in confusion. “What?” she asked. “It’s pretty obvious she’s jealous of how you’re holding Twinkleshine and Minuette. All you need to do is spread your legs and let Trixie sit down there between them. There’d be plenty of room for all of you like that.”
Twinkleshine frowned at the nerd. “You need to get out more.”
Since it didn’t seem we were going to get any more out of the socially awkward pony than that, I grabbed Trixie up in Luna’s magic before bringing her over to the sofa the rest of us were sharing to plop her down on my tail and wrapped the little light blue pony up in a hug. As for Twinkleshine and Minuette, they got hugged by wings as they wrapped their forelegs around Luna’s pony-arms. Once we were all situated again, Luna let out a little chuckle. “Do you feel better now, my little pony?”
Trixie leaned back and nuzzled her cheek against our chest. “A little, Princess,” she admitted. “But...I...I can’t help it! I still feel jealous of Twilight Sparkle. She just has everything!”
“Envious.”
Moondancer’s correction went ignored by the train community at large as Minuette snorted. “Well welcome to the club,” she said before brightening up and offering a hoof to the other unicorn that was quickly becoming confused. “I’m the Captain, by the way.”
“Vice-captain!” Twinkleshine suddenly called out.
“I’m the secretary and fact-checker,” Moondancer added after she looked up from the projector. “Lemon Drops is the treasurer.”
For the second time today, my brain kind of just froze. Trixie’s on the other hand, it just kept going. She looked around at the three other unicorns in surprise. “Wait, you are all jealous of Twilight Sparkle too?”
Moondancer rolled her eyes. “Please, we heard about what happened in Ponyville. You’ve got no right to complain about one little incident and then be surprised the ponies that have been around her for years have more of a beef with her than you do.”
I gasped and looked around at all the girls. “Wait...what?” I cried. “But, I thought you guys were friends!”
“Uh...we are friends,” Minuette said in confusion.
“Doesn’t mean we don’t think she’s all that either,” Twinkleshine added.
“Or how all that stuff she got away with in school was in any way fair,” Moondancer went on.
Trixie blinked, and looked back to the brain of the group. “What kind of stuff?”
“Remember when the chemistry lab blew up?”
“Which time?” Trixie asked.
“Both!” all three girls said at the same time.
“Plus there was the time she turned Professor Slug Horn into a newt.”
“And when she summoned that chaotic slime that melted the west dorm.”
“Then there was the time when she turned everypony in the school into a palm tree last year. I was picking leaves out of my hair for weeks after that.”
Trixie’s mouth hung open. “T-That was HER?” the unicorn yelled in surprise as her head spun back in forth wildly to try and keep each of the three ponies in view. “But...that...she...how was she not expelled? No, buck that! How is she still allowed to even practice magic?!”
“Well…” Moondancer moaned. “I heard some of the teachers tried to get rid of her, but it didn’t do any good. Two of them actually quit when Celestia refused to do anything.”
As I finished listening to the girls, Luna spoke the question I was wanting to ask. “How do the three of you know all of this when Trixie does not?”
Minuette looked up at us. “Well, we were pretty much her only social circle, even if we were little more than a study group.”
“We were a study group to her,” Moondancer grumbled.
All of us looked over to the frowning four-eyes for a moment. Then Trixie spoke. “Yet, you all consider her a friend?”
“Eh, friend of a friend, really,” Minuette admitted.
“Acquaintance,” Twinkleshine added.
“...I’m not even sure anymore,” Moondancer said reluctantly.
I raised an eyebrow at the unicorn standing on her own four hooves. “You’re still sore about that party, huh?”
Moondancer gave me a look. It was one of those ‘unsure but annoyed’ looks that made me think she wasn’t going to answer. Before she did, that is. “Look, I understand she had important work to do. Which also explains why Princess Celestia never did anything to Twilight. She had to make sure the mare could...uh…”
“Save the world from me?” I asked with a little smirk.
“Yes, well...all things considered, I don’t think your rule would be all that bad for Equestria once adjustments were made so that the crops would be able to grow during the nighttime. If anything, the cool night air would allow for more productivity, and the reforms that have been enacted under your and Princess Luna’s watch show that Equestria needed a more firm hoof than Celestia has been providing for the past several years,” Moondancer told me with absolute seriousness after her initial recovery.
I frowned back at her. “Of course if I had never been hit by that rainbow, you’d be talking to a very different Nightmare Moon, and Luna not at all.”
Moondancer nervously licked her lips, and nodded. “I’m sorry Lady Night. I didn’t meant to-”
“Calm thyself Moondancer,” Luna told her. “My other half is quite defensive when it comes to the subject of our current state. But I thank you for your faith in my abilities.” For the first time all day, I think Luna actually accepted the praise.
At the very least, she didn’t shoot it down.
“But, like I was saying before I got distracted,” Moondancer said before frowning. “I understand she couldn’t come to my party. But it’s been weeks, and I haven’t heard anything from her! And when I did meet her, she talks about her friends, like I never mattered to her at all!”
“Well...we kinda didn’t,” Minuette reminded her, which made me and Twinkie glare at toothpaste pony.
Moondancer groaned through her teeth. “But it’s not like I hate her.”
“Um-” Trixie managed to say before Moondancer stopped her.
“This is anger! You can be angry and jealous at somepony without hating them! Especially if they just give some token effort to show they care, and then never talk to you again! Even when they’re just down the hall from where you’re working, having a slumber party! IT’S PERFECTLY NATURAL!”
Luna cleared her throat, which made Moony seize up and get all wide-eyed in terror. “Mayhap you should give us the report now Moondancer,” she said. “Concentrating on something else will give you time to calm down.”
After a few seconds, Moondancer nodded.
The three hour long presentation of the history of the first diamond dog inclusion, followed by the two hour long history of the first diamond dog western incursion that followed many years later nearly put even Luna to sleep as Moondancer droned on about how said culture was conquered by Equestria and ended up where it was today. By the time she was done, my mind was so in need of something other than diamond dogs that it went to some pretty dark places.
Like…
Well…
How exactally does masturbating with these things work anyway? I wondered as I looked at my hoof while the rest of my little ponies snuggled up to Luna’s big nightmarish body as if we were a full-body pillow.
I mean, they were hooves. Strong hooves. Really strong hooves, in fact.
I had smashed stone with my hooves. So just using them to...mess with the most sensitive of sensitive things on Luna’s body?
Yeah, it probably wasn’t the best idea.
But then...how did the ponies know that word? I continued to wonder.
It made sense. If there was no clopping…
Then…
Maybe playing with yourself was just one of those things only griffons and minotaurs could do. And ponies looked down on it, or something. Since I had missed Gilda, I’d have to wait for Iron Will to come around if I wanted to get some answers.
Although, since I did have my own walking wikipedia…
“Hey Moony?” I asked.
The unicorn looked up from her book and turned her head to me. “Yes?”
And before I could stop myself, I just opened my mouth and… “Do ponies clop?”
Moondancer blinked. “Um...yes?” she said before raising her hooves to click them together several times. “See. Why do you ask?”
I looked back up to the ceiling of our train car that appeared to be a night sky with stars made from diamonds. “...never mind.”
Thankfully, the ping pong-ish game we managed to set up using our little table in the center of the train car thirty minutes later using one of the beads from Moondancer’s hair scrunchy and four of her books to bat the thing around while we all sat in different places on the train car and tried to smack the ball into each other before I managed to think something like making out with Trixie would be a good way to pass the time.
After that, it was time for bed.
My bedroom ended up being a little on the cramped side, much for the same reason the sitting car was. In other words, Luna invited all of the girls over for a slumber party, and they all accepted. So on top of Minuette snuggling into my right side while Twinkleshine got my left wing, I had to deal with both Trixie and Moondancer taking up the spots on top of the princess.
So...yeah...we were Princess Body Pillow.
Honestly, I think Luna liked all the non-sexual physical attention. After years of being alone on a dead rock, and who knew how many before that she was isolated from the world because of her princess status, a group of ponies wanted to be her friend. The girls weren’t a bunch of caretakers Celestia had assigned to look after Luna, like some of the maids had had to put up with that first week when it took everything I had to just walk, and they weren’t friends of a friend like the girls and Twilight Sparkle kind of were. Trixie, Twinkleshine, Minuette, Moondancer...even Sparkler and the rest of her family, they were the ponies Luna had all to herself.
Okay, ourselves. But the moment I managed to jump ship, I was going to make sure they stayed with her.
So, after we went to meet with Cadance in her dreams and found one of those ‘Do Not Disturb’ kind of doors that would have had me looking at some live action pony porn, Luna had the two of us go back into the snugglefest that was our traveling bed to enjoy the presence of the other girls all around her.
Once we had put a silencing spell on Trixie to stop her snoring at any rate.
And it was there, as we laid buried in Luna’s little group that I got another idea that only comes from being much too bored.
It was an idea I had come up with before. A question, really.
Something any idiot would think to ask Luna five second after meeting her. Yet would hopefully have the courtesy not to ask if they had anything approaching a decent bone in their body.
But, once again, I couldn’t stop myself from asking. We were in a safe place, literally surrounded by friends, and...even if I had lived with them for months now, I was still a pretty big fan. So, I opened my mouth and… “Hey Luna, how did we meet?”
My mouth moved on its own. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I know how you got sealed away,” I told her. “But...that’s...you didn’t just block the sun out one day and get possessed by me, right? I mean, Nightmare Moon had to come from somewhere, right? Like...I dunno, Outside Equestria, or something?”
Luna sighed. “Outside,” she mumbled. “I see you still like to follow Celestia’s theory of how things worked out, where I was simply tricked by some monster that took advantage of my loneliness and used it against me.”
I frowned. The way Luna was speaking, I didn’t like where I was pretty sure it was going to lead. With Luna blaming herself for everything. She was just another of the Nightmare’s victims, not some kind of willing accomplice!
But...I had to know.
It had nothing to do with being a fan. If Luna was just going to discount everything Celestia said about how Nightmare Moon wasn’t her fault because of some personally held theory, I needed to hear it so I could disprove it.
“So...what do you say happened?” I asked.
Luna was silent. After a few seconds, I was caught thinking if I could ask her again or just drop it, but then she started talking. “It all started about half a dozen years before my banishment. My two best friends and my last captain of the guard were off in the Everfree, when they were attacked by a hydra. In a single day, I lost the three ponies closest to me.”
I gulped. “But, what about Celestia?”
“My envy of her had already been in bloom by then,” Luna replied.
“Like...um.” I looked down at the ponies curled up with us. “Like the girls with Twilight?”
Luna let out a minuscule groan. “In a way. I can see many similarities. After I began to raise the moon and took over the protection of Equestria’s nights, I could no longer attend the important social gatherings, and many ponies believed me to be shirking my duties when I did. That was just the beginning of course, but eventually...yes. There were many times that things Celestia did were celebrated, and when I performed the same acts, it was...frowned upon.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Ponies told you off to your face?”
“I am the Mistress of Dreams, Nighty. There are no secrets from me,” she reminded me. “But we are getting off track.
“The loss of the three most important in the world to me at once, it was...crushing,” Luna went on. “Celestia was there for me to offer comfort, but it was a distant comfort. Almost as if she was just going through the motions. She had other...duties to attend to, I guess. Couldn’t make time for me.”
For a second I thought about asking her to stop. Things were going to a dark place where I hadn’t anticipated, and I did not like what the road signs on the way there said.
But...like a wimp, I just kept my mouth shut when Luna went on. “For the longest time, I was hurt and alone. I took my pain out on whatever foolish creature was stupid enough to think it could hurt the ponies of Equestria. My reckless rage ended up costing some of my guard their lives, and so then I resolved to perform my duties alone,” she said before smirking. “Ironic, no? One of the things that drove me to you was my loneliness, which I alone am responsible for.”
“Luna-”
“Still, a pony cannot be by herself all the time,” she went on right over me. “So, I would talk. At first, I would speak to myself. After all, I could never lose myself, and I would never abandon me. Then one day, as a game, I animated my shadow. Well, I called it a training exercise at the time, but the truth of the matter was that I was just bored and wanted something to chase. After I won, I congratulated my worthy opponent and then...well, I didn’t stop talking to my shadow.
“Weeks passed, and as I slowly grew less saddened by life, I spent more and more time with...myself. I made spells that would animate my shadow in different ways, even allowed it to touch objects. I would tell it of my hopes and dreams, all the while growing more and more distant from other ponies. Then one day, after Celestia and several of her friends had angered me over a...prank that made me look the fool, I stormed back to my quarters in a rage. I vented and sparred with my shadow, all the while shouting how I hated my sister and everypony else…
“And...after I was catching my breath between all the grumbling I did over Celestia...you, my shadow, talked back.”
I blinked. “Uh...Luna...that...um...that sounds more like...uh, you...went nuts.”
Luna actually chuckled a bit. “That is what I believed as well for nearly a fortnight. It wasn’t until you and I began truly talking about things and actually disagreed with her that I realized she was her own pony. I still do not know how it happened, whether it was a combination of the spells I used to animate my shadow, or-”
“Some kind of monster that just suck in and took advantage of you,” I finished for her.
“Yes,” Luna agreed after a moment. “Or that. Whatever the reason, I had found what I had always wanted. A companion that would never leave me. A friend that would never turn on me as I thought Celestia had. Somepony to listen to my problems and comfort me when I needed it.”
As Luna took a moment to do...something, I frowned at the big piece of missing information. “Okay, but...how does having a not-imaginary friend go from being something you talk to, to something that started pulling your strings?”
“Because, when you were...born, on that day...the very first things you heard was my anger and hatred. My pride and foolishness,” she said. “Yes, you supported me. But...you...hated Celestia, you thought that I should be the princess that everypony looked up to. You even encouraged me to alter my form so that the two of us stood as equals instead of the height I wished to remain at.
“Then, as the years passed, you began to grow...resentful of your situation, until eventually-”
I clamped Luna’s mouth shut. “Wait, years? Nightmare Moon was talking with you for years, and Celestia never even noticed?”
Luna sighed. “I told you, we were very distant from one another, back then.”
“And what do you mean, resentful of my situation?” I asked.
“Although you had a mind of your own, you had no real voice, limbs or arms Nighty,” she told me. “You didn’t even have a name. You named yourself after reversing our roles. You were just a part of me. And then, one day, after years of goading from you, of being mocked by my sister, of having my work ignored, mocked, and everything else, I did as you suggested, and blocked out the sun.”
I didn’t need her to finish. “And then, our places were reversed, and...wait...is that why you don’t want me to leave?” I asked with a frown. “Because of what happened before?”
After hearing Luna’s explanation, I could kind of understand it, but...there was no way in hell I was able to accept it!
By which I meant the fact that Luna wasn’t wanting us to separate out of some sort of payback for how the original Nightmare Moon had been bound to her. Not the whole thing about Nightmare Moon being her creation. If the Tantabus could do all the shit it could do, why not have another kind of monster that used darkness instead of dreams?
“And what makes you think we can be separated?” Luna asked me in turn. “You were born from me, Nightmare Moon. And while one can take to the air to try and avoid her shadow, we shall always be reunited, in the end.”
I kept silent for a few seconds as I tried to think.
The thing was, despite what Luna had said...Nightmare Moon had gotten away from her.
I had replaced it.
Right?
So...there must have been some way to do it.
Or at least put Luna back in the driver’s seat.
Although, as the answer failed to come to me while we all laid together in a pile, I did manage to notice something.
“Hey, how many of you girls are awake?”
“Hehehe. Not me!”
“Maybe a little.”
“I am as well, Lady Nightmare.”
“...”
I sighed and raised an eyebrow at Trixie as she moved her lips. “Okay so...would you all mind not repeating a single word of what you heard tonight to anypony, ever?”
“No problem!”
“Lips are sealed.”
“Okay.”
Trixie nodded.
“Thanks,” I said.