Celestia’s eyes slowly fluttered open. The Moon was low in the sky; its rays softly shimmering through her window to give her room a pleasantly pale illumination. Her forelegs pulled in against her chest, much to her surprise. It felt like something was missing, but her freshly woken mind could not quite place it. Her body proceeded to move according to her long ingrained routine and soon the Sun was peeking over the horizon.
A sudden noise drew her attention to the door to her room. “Princess!” Twilight exclaimed as the morning light cast her energetic expression with a soothing warmth.
“Twilight, it is good to see you, my love,” Celestia replied, the morning fog over her mind evaporated almost instantly, taking any concerns she had with it.
In seemingly no time at all the happy couple had hugged, kissed, and made their way onto the bed. “I’ve missed you so much, Twilight,” white hooves searched the lavender body for tension, stopping at each ball of stress and coaxing it into submission. Even better was how each victory rewarded Celestia with a series of pleasurable moans from her little lover. Twilight was the source of the world’s absolute cutest and most adorably sexy noises, and Celestia delighted in hearing them as much as she adored being responsible for them.
“You know, Twilight, I can’t think of a better way to spend a day,” Celestia mused aloud to her lavender lover splayed out beneath her. To her mild disappointment, Twilight had somehow been coherent enough during the massage to have started scribbling of notes about some subject she’d been refusing to talk about for the past few weeks, and Celestia was not in a mood to be ignored.
She craned her neck down to slowly nibble on Twilight’s ear. Her efforts only received a series of evasive flicks from her target. “Twilight, I have the whole day off for once, and you’re actually here in Canterlot and this is how you want to spend our time together?”
Finally, a notable reaction. Twilight looked up sheepishly. “Sorry, Princess–”
“Celestia,” Celestia corrected sharply.
“P–...Celestia…” Twilight’s face flushed red.
Celestia found herself awash with a strange feeling, as if she’d somehow already done this. She was suddenly aware of Twilight staring directly at her, her eyes begging for approval; Celestia smiled.
Twilight nodded and continued, “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been doing some very interesting research the past few weeks–”
“And you can’t share it with me?” Celestia interrupted.
In a manner that Celestia was all too familiar with, Twilight reacted like a filly caught sneaking cookies from the royal kitchens.
“Please, Twilight, if this is something you find so engrossing, why not let me help you? You know I love doing research as much as you do.” Celestia snatched one of the pages of notes with her magic and swiftly perused it. “Oh, biology notes… and,” — Celestia snuck a sultry glance — “pictures and diagrams of me? How naughty, Twilight.”
Twilight, face redder than before, quickly lunged up to grab the note page with her hooves. She fell back down on her side clutching the note to her chest. “It’s not what it looks like!”
Celestia laughed softly, trying to ignore the creeping sensation of familiarity. “Twilight, there’s no need to be embarrassed. You’ve had a very personal view of me from back there; plenty of times I might add.”
Twilight glanced up to see her lover’s warm smile beaming down at her like the rays of some warm object in the sky. “That’s not the point. I’m not doing some perverted research on you!”
Celestia sighed. “I understand, Twilight. I’m sorry for teasing you about it.”
The younger alicorn visibly relaxed. “O-okay, as long as you understand I’m not some pervy delinquent…” Twilight suddenly found herself scooped up into a playful hug.
“I don’t think you are a pervert, Twilight. I just wanted to see you blush.” The white alicorn slipped a wing over Twilight as the younger alicorn settled in beside her, resting her head against Celestia’s strong neck. Celestia quite enjoyed the feeling as the creeping sensation from before seemed to fade slightly.
The smaller alicorn swallowed a nervous lump in her throat. “Well, the more I think about it, there’s not much reason to keep you in the dark anymore. N-not that I have some evil secret I’ve been keeping, I mean the research. Which is almost done… and I do actually, sort of, need your input on it.” She smiled nervously.
And suddenly that worrisome feeling was back in full force. There was just something about this situation she needed to change, something to take it off the expected course. Once more, Celestia put on her warm smile. “I don’t mind if you have things you need to do by yourself,” Celestia cut herself short.
Twilight gazed up with curiosity before shaking it off and launching into her explanation, “Right, so, I’ve been studying alicorn biology recently, now that there’s enough of us to pretend to be a sample-pool. During my studies, I’ve noticed something interesting about our physiques. Luna and Cadance, interestingly, share a very similar body shape, nearly identical in fact! Head and facial structure notwithstanding, of course, their physical proportions have less than a 0.000001% deviation. Then, examining me, I’ve found that since becoming an alicorn, my body is steadily becoming leaner, and my height seems to be increasing a bit as well. Both of these changes aren’t exactly fast, mind you, but I’ve compared Rarity’s files on my dress measurements before and after ascending, and extrapolated to a few years from now to find that my physical growths are trending to be in line with Luna and Cadance’s proportions.”
Nope, that didn’t work at all. The disturbing feeling was back in full force. “That’s fascinating Twilight.”
“Actually, your data is the most fascinating!” Celestia suddenly found a small blush on her cheeks. “You see, your proportions are similar, but at the same time very different. Specifically, your thighs and buttocks are larger than the expected proportions, given my other data.” — Celestia frowned slightly. She didn’t like where this was going. — “So, I was curious if you could tell me how much you weigh so I could complete my data set?”
With an expression devoid of amusement, Celestia responded. “Are you saying I’m fat?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. You certainly aren’t fat by normal pony standards, and there really haven’t been any other alicorns to compare you with for a long time…” Twilight slowly stopped her mouth from committing further treason as Celestia’s face slid farther from its former glorious warmth into a slight frown. “Princess—”
The dread feeling slammed to the forefront of Celestia’s mind with full force. She was now positive of two things. First, she hated this conversation. Second, she was having deja vu of the worst conversation she’d had in a thousand years. "I'm not fat!" Celestia shouted, her anger exploding more than she expected. Twilight blinked in surprise. “I’m skinny and beautiful, just ask anypony,” she stated more calmly.
“Um, Princess, that’s not—”
Pink eyes narrowed. “Not what?”
Twilight fidgeted under the glare. Normally, it would have been quite enjoyable having the smaller mare squirming around under her wing like this, but the atmosphere just wasn’t right for enjoying things. “Twilight, explain how a bastion of slimness and beauty, the most gorgeous creature in all the world, can be fat.”
Twilight perked up at the request. Her eyes just a bit wider than normal, a small grin tugging at her lips. Celestia knew right away that she had made a mistake. This wasn’t Twilight being happy, or excited; this was Twilight being prepared.
Violet eyes closed as the grin extended into a full smile. Twilight had slipped into lecture mode. Celestia fought to keep her excitement dulled. This wasn’t going to be a fun lesson.
"That's precisely what my study is about,” Twilight began,lifting one hoof off the ground to strike a confident pose. “On your own, with no similar pony to compare you to, you seem like a thin, fit pony. But alicorns aren't regular ponies. Our wings are different from pegasus wings, our horns are longer than a unicorn's, and our bodies are physically larger and stronger than most earth ponies. Never mind the magical differences. Now, compared to Luna and Cadance, your proportions, while certainly not obese, are clearly larger in certain ways than the current majority of alicorns. Without more conclusive data, signs point to you at least having more fat on you than you should."
Celestia narrowed her eyes, “Then how do you explain my ability to eat anything I want and never gain weight?”
“How often do you weigh yourself?” Twilight retorted instantly.
Celestia immediately corrected her statement, “I never appear to gain weight.” Twilight finally reopened her eyes, a sign that Celestia knew all too well; Twilight didn’t have an answer to regurgitate verbatim. This was the track to take to push Twilight off of her prepared course.
“Oh, that just means you’ve likely found your body mass equilibrium in regards to your lifestyle.”
“That sounds an awful lot like some new fancy phrase Luna would hate.”
Twilight giggled, “It just means that, for your current lifestyle, what you eat and how much exercise you get every day, your body weight will remain roughly stable without making crucial changes.”
Celestia put on a large pout, “And that sounds like you don’t want me eating cake.”
“No, ‘crucial changes’ in this case means increasing physical activity—”
“Well if that’s what you’re after then you should just move back to Canterlot with me, Twilight. It’s so much more fun and tiring when I’m not all alone,” Celestia interjected, placing her wing around Twilight.
Twilight’s wings twitched and her face reddened, “Th–that’s not… please don’t interrupt like that. I’m trying to be serious about this.”
Celestia lowered her voice to a more sensual tone, “So am I.”
Twilight sighed deeply. “Crucial changes means extra physical activity and adjusting what foods you consume. While it is possible to see results by taking one side to an extreme, it is not nearly as effective as making smaller adjustments to both areas.”
“So, now you’re saying I have to trade some of my cake for more play time in bed with you?” Celestia’s pupils grew to take up nearly the entirety of her eyes, as her lips quivered in exaggerated despair.
The lavender muzzle scrunched. “If you want to completely misconstrue what I’m talking about, sure.”
“Oh, then I’m afraid you’ve lost me. What were we discussing?”
“Relative perception of what constitutes being thin.”
“Ah, yes, you were telling me how Luna’s existence factually disproves my beauty because she is slightly thinner than I am.”
“What? Princess, standards of beauty are completely irrelevant when talking about physical fitness levels. There are certain cultures that find skinny females to be far less attractive than plumper females.”
“I’m not plump.”
“I didn’t say you were.” Twilight opened her eyes, meeting Celestia’s gaze with an excited twinkle in her eyes. “If anything, I’d quantify you as soft.”
“I’m not soft. I am fit, toned, and very much in shape.”
“Not from my experience.”
A white muzzle scrunched itself slightly.
Twilight shrank slightly, “A-are you… upset with me?”
“Of course not. Why should I be upset when being fat is beautiful to some foreign culture and not right here in my own land?”
Twilight sighed. “I was worried you might take this the wrong way.”
“Then don’t be.”
“Fine. I’m not worried.” Twilight slid out from under the comfortable wing, her horn lit as her magic gathered up her research papers. “Since I’m not worried, I think I could use something to eat.” Twilight trotted over to Celestia’s work desk and placed her stack of notes into a drawer with her name on it. She turned back to Celestia, “Shall we have some breakfast, then?”
The elder alicorn did not respond immediately. “Very well. I think I shall abstain, however. I wouldn't wish to keep being fat.”
“You said that you weren’t worried about this.”
“No, I said you should not worry about this.”
“Fine, if you don’t want something to eat, then I’ll go get something by myself.” Twilight trotted quickly over to the door. “I’ll be back in a bit,” she remarked without turning to face Celestia.
The door opened and closed, and now the room was a bit more empty.
Celestia sighed. This was not her idea of a perfect day. Not even a bit.
She hopped off her bed and made her way over to her desk. She glared at the single labeled drawer. It was the one drawer she couldn’t touch, and yet it contained the one thing she didn’t want in her room right now.
The dawnbringer settled for muttering an ancient curse or three about the dread documents before swiftly turning to her bookshelf and pulled out a random tome. Something to take her mind off of things sounded wonderful right now.
Celestia quickly plopped down onto her favorite pile of purple pillows and cracked open the book. She hesitated on the very first line. This was not something she was in the mood for. She promptly levitated her favorite tome of baking recipes back to its place on her shelf.
“Of all the times to pull that book out, it just had to be when I can’t have anything sweet.”
Having already settled into a comfortable spot, Celestia wasn’t keen on getting up just to find a book to read. She cast a glance to the bookshelf and picked another tome out with her magic. This time, she actually bothered reading the title first. “Applied Magical Resonance,” she sighed, her frustration turning the act into something closer to a growl. Celestia didn’t even need to look to remember the author. “The first book that Twilight and I read together.” It was immediately banished to the shelf.
The alicorn glanced back to her bookshelf once more. “Oh, who am I trying to fool? Everything there right now is something Twilight put there for me.” Escaping her thoughts of Twilight was never something she’d needed to consider before, and now that she was trying, it was starting to seem an impossible task.
The more she tried to distract herself, the more she thought about the lavender mare that had changed her life in so many ways. And each joyous thought brought a little nagging feeling with it. The simple reminder that Twilight thought she was fat.
She was supposed to be tall, and slim, and mysteriously stay that way no matter what. How could she possibly have become fat? If Twilight noticed, had anypony else? Certainly somepony had to notice!
The royal guards spent enough time around her every day that they were bound to notice any obvious changes in her figure. Celestia hadn’t really made time to oversee her guards’ training recently, not since Luna insisted on taking up that duty some months ago. Clearly, it was time for an impromptu inspection.
Celestia made her way down the various hallways of the castle towards the barracks. Each step was a little faster than her normal gait. Not enough for Celestia herself to notice, but enough that the echoes of each step told the various staff of the castle to stay out of her way. This was a princess with a place to be.
It was not a terribly long trip, a few minutes at a good pace; however, Celestia was unable to keep her mind idle. Plans and strategies were formed and filed with practiced efficiency that few could comprehend. She needed to be prepared.
By the time she arrived, the solar mare was feeling quite confident. Still irritated, but confident. Such simple and elegant plans could not possibly fail her here. All she had to do was catch somepony staring at her. If she truly was still beautiful, even a well trained guard with their stoic expressions should still want to take a good look if they thought they could get away with it unnoticed.
She stepped outside the castle and into the barracks courtyard. It was a nice open grassy area often used for training and drills. Much like her plans, the weather was perfect and sunny. The warm golden rays of her sun always brought out a wonderful glow to her pristine white coat. There was no better opportunity to be had.
Celestia’s focus shifted from her inner thoughts back to her outward senses. The guards were out and about, many were in small groups scattered around the place performing various training exercises. None had yet shown any hint of noticing her.
Just as she made to move forward, she heard her name being shouted across the field.
“Princess Celestia!”
She turned to face her caller only to find a most unexpected surprise. There, at the far end of the field, stood Shining Armor and Cadance. Strange. Celestia could not recall any news about them arriving in Canterlot. Now that the pair was waving at her, she could hardly ignore their beckoning. With her senses at the ready, she began her walk across the field, making certain that her hips swayed with each step.
She glanced around as much as one could without being suspicious. Guards all across the field had taken notice of her, but that was most likely because her name had been shouted. The real trick was seeing just how long she could keep their attention.
To her dismay, Celestia noticed that, despite her efforts, not a single guard was paying her any mind by the time she arrived at her niece and nephew-in-law. “Hello, Shining Armor, Cadance. To what do we owe this surprise visit?”
Shining Armor responded, “Well, you know, sometimes it’s nice to take a little vacation. Maybe check up on my little sister while we’re here. Nothing too fancy.”
Cadance answered next, “It has been months since we’ve been able to make a trip anywhere. Like Shining, I was hoping we’d be able to catch Twilight while she was here. And of course, say hi to some friends around the castle.”
“I see,” Celestia remarked, her lips quickly shifting to her practiced smile at the mention of a certain pony she was trying not to think about. “I believe Twilight is currently having breakfast in the dining hall, if you wish to join her.”
Cadance’s happy expression was replaced with one of concern. “And you are out here?”
“Unless I’m not real, I do believe that I am indeed right here.”
Concern became worry. Cadance knew Celestia enough to see through such a poor deflection. Celestia was not going to discuss her personal concerns in public. She had to gather information before Cadance grew too suspicious. It was risky, but her plans could still work with Shining Armor. In fact, what could be a better reassurance of her beauty than if she could draw his gaze right in front of his wife? Even just a simple glance or two was all she needed now.
“That reminds me,” Celestia moved her gaze to address Shining Armor, “I was hoping to get your opinion on some of the guards’ training practices.”
Shining immediately lit up, his chest puffing out just a bit. “I’d be happy to help, Princess Celestia.”
The radiant alicorn promptly swiveled in place, making certain that her former guard captain had the best possible view she could provide of her rump. Celestia pointed at one group of guards across the field. “What do you think of those soldiers over there?”
Shining answered with no noticeable difference in tone.“Your Highness? I can’t really get a good view of them. You’re blocking the way, ma’am.”
Celestia pointedly stepped to the side only to notice Shining had been attempting to lean around where she had been standing.
“Is this any better?”
The stallion nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, much better. I mean, no offense, but you really aren’t easy to see around.”
“I shall keep that in mind,” she answered curtly.
Cadance stepped forward. “Auntie, are you alright?”
“Perfectly fine,” Celestia replied a bit too quickly.
Cadance narrowed her gaze. “So perfectly fine that you aren’t having breakfast with Twilight?”
“I wasn’t hungry yet.”
Suddenly, Shining’s expression turned to one of shock. “I always thought you needed to eat a lot, you know, given how big you are?” A pink hoof socked his shoulder. “Ow, that hurt Cady.”
Cadance grinned slyly, “I thought you liked it rough.” The stallion fidgeted nervously, a small blush rising in his cheeks.
“Not on my shoulder, I don’t,” he replied nervously.
Cadance’s grin grew larger. “I see how it is. It’s all fun and games when you get to embarrass me in front of Auntie Luna, but when I get the upper hoof in front of Auntie Celestia, suddenly it isn’t so fun anymore.”
“Cady, honey—”
“No no, I’ll have plenty of fun with you about this later. For now, I just remembered that I need to talk to Auntie Celestia about some mare things. Why don’t you go rub knees with some of your old friends. I think I see Captain Russet over there.” Cadance unceremoniously shoved her husband away before motioning for Celestia to follow her.
The sounds of stallions laughing could be heard behind her as Celestia walked through an archway leading back to the castle proper. Her stride slowed to match the smaller alicorn’s as her thoughts began racing once more. There hadn’t been any reason to prepare for Cadance; Celestia hadn’t even known she was coming here. Immaculate marble floors clicked with each step as the mental faculties of two alicorns roared to life with awkward silence.
Celestia knew she had been caught. Cadance was too clever and knew her too well to have not noticed something was wrong. Never mind that whole Domain of Love power her niece possessed. The Alicorn Domains were not a well studied subject, but Celestia was fairly certain Cadance’s granted her a special sense specifically for detecting relationship problems. That brought with it the uncomfortable dread of wondering if it was even possible to bluff her way out of this situation.
Cadance broke the silence far too soon for Celestia’s liking. “So, Auntie, are you going to keep playing games, or are you going to let me help?”
That sent a shiver down Celestia’s spine. That was the kind of threat Luna used; and that sing-song tone of her niece’s voice as she said it only served to reinforce that Celestia had made a very poor choice. She never should have let Luna stay in the Crystal Empire for six full months.
“I see you’ve made the most of Luna’s vacation,” Celestia answered incorrectly.
Cadance’s horn flashed with power. Before Celestia could even begin to figure out what her niece had done, Cadance spoke, “I believe the most important lesson I learned from Auntie Luna was to not beat around the bush when I want something.”
“Cadance…” Celestia trailed off as she found herself suddenly intimidated by the young ruler’s stern gaze. This wasn’t the cheerful, soft, energetic alicorn she had helped raise and train; this was a mother about to lecture a misbehaving filly.
“What did Twilight do?”
To Celestia, it sounded more like a command than a question. She glanced around only to find that she had somehow let Cadance lead her into a dead end hallway. Anything short of teleportation was not going to help her escape, and given the glow of Cadance’s horn, Celestia suspected even that was off the table.
“Being quiet isn’t going to make this easier, Celestia.”
“So that’s what that feels like,” Celestia thought. Rather, that’s what she probably would have thought if her mind had not been preoccupied with trying to force a dozen different answers out her mouth simultaneously. It was absolutely a testament to Cadance’s willpower that the incomprehensible verbal mess that Celestia had uttered didn’t even draw a smirk. Celestia mentally patted herself on the back and congratulated herself for raising an excellent figure of authority, and then promptly swallowed the lump in her throat.
Cadance waited, her expression unwavering.
Steeling herself, Celestia took a step forward, mustering her most stoic and regal posture and expression. She stood as a marble pillar in the heart of the storm’s eye.
“You know Twilight didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Marble crumbled to ash like used coal.
“She thinks I’m fat.” Celestia’s eyes felt wet for some reason. Before she could even avert her gaze, the eldest alicorn found herself swept up into a hug.
“It’s all going to be okay, Auntie. I’m sure it won’t be too much trouble to add a bit of pudge to all of your statues.”
“I’m not fat,” Celestia stated flatly.
The hug broke as Cadance slipped suddenly around to Celestia’s side. “Oh, I don’t know about that,” Cadance replied with very serious tone, “Have you looked in a mirror lately?”
To her dismay, Celestia realized that she had not actually looked at a mirror in a long time. She never changed, so what was there to look at? She suddenly craned her neck around to get a better view of herself.
“You’re looking a bit serious there, Auntie.”
“I can’t be fat. I have to be beautiful and slim and perfect,” Celestia responded swiftly. The elder alicorn scowled, unhappy with her current view. She suddenly dropped to the floor and rolled over onto her back in order to stare at her belly.
“See, I was wondering what had you so desperate for attention that you’d actually think shoving your rump into my husband’s face while I’m standing next to him was a good idea,” Cadance said as her usual playful tone started to bleed through. Her slight grin fell when Celestia ignored her and instead wiggled around to find a better view of herself. Cadance took a long breath followed by a heavy sigh.
“Auntie, you look the same as always.”
“Don’t lie to me!” Celestia snapped.
A pink muzzle scrunched. “Okay, I was going to lecture you, but now I think I’m just going to drag you to Twilight and have the two of you talk this out.” A second layer of power surrounded Cadance’s horn as the alabaster alicorn was unceremoniously lifted into the air. Celestia panicked with all the grace one would expect from the ruler of Equestria, known for a thousand years as the pinnacle of grace and serenity, if grace and serenity looked like a dog trying to run away from a visit to a veterinarian.
“No! I can’t see Twilight until I’m thinner!” Celestia protested to a deaf audience.
It wasn’t until the third confused stare of a castle servant that Celestia finally stopped trying to run. Instead, she decided to minimize further rumors among the staff by simply crossing her forelegs and fixing her expression into one of pure exasperation. She had to make sure anypony who saw this spectacle knew that this form of transportation was utterly beneath her dignity.
Eventually, after countless minutes, Cadance flung open the doors to the dining hall. However, much to the Love Princess’ dismay, Twilight was not there. A quick glance at the table revealed an untouched plate of food, likely Celestia’s breakfast that the staff brought out of habit when Twilight showed up.
Before Celestia could protest, she was placed in her seat at the head of the table. She looked down at the still steaming pancakes; two stacks of five each covered in and layered between strawberries and whipped cream. A small side of hash browns, lightly salted and topped with ketchup and a tall glass of orange juice sat to the side. The whole meal looked unloved as Celestia glared at it angrily while trying to ignore the tempting aromas.
“Eat,” Cadance ordered.
“I’m not hungry,” Celestia’s stomach growled in protest. Frowning, she replied, “I don’t need you doting over me like I’m a foal.”
“Your behavior says otherwise,” Cadance retorted as she gracefully sat down next to Celestia. “Do I need to start up the train?” A fork levitated up tauntingly.
“I’m fine,”Celestia argued.
Cadance smirked, “If you skip this meal that's literally admitting that you agree that you're fat." Cadance had never thought she would see the day that her most elegant and cultured Aunt Celestia would be chowing down straight off the plate, much akin to a certain lavender pony she knew when hayburgers were placed in front of her.
In mere seconds one stack of pancakes had vanished, the only signs of ever having existed were the few specks of whipped cream around Celestia’s muzzle and a small dribble of strawberry compote on her chin.
“You know, if you weren’t so busy being mad at Twilight, she’d have been happy to clean that up for you,” Cadance teased as she pointed at Celestia’s face. Instead of the laugh she had hoped for, Cadance’s wit was only rewarded with another nearly disturbing display as her aunt banished her remaining breakfast from the face of Equestria.
Her foe vanquished, Celestia turned to glare defiantly at Cadance, “I’m not fat.”
“You know, that stopped being cute already.”
“If I eat another helping will you stop bothering me?”
The door they had entered from swung open as Shining Armor strolled in. His gaze met Cadance’s, before the pink alicorn turned back to Celestia, “I’m going to go talk to Twilight, is she in your room?”
Celestia nodded as Shining Armor sat down on her other side. “Hey, Cady, Your Highness.” The former slipped around the latter to come up behind him. “Going to find Twilight?” Cadance smiled before planting a deep kiss on his lips, the kind that lasted just long enough to make company feel both awkward and jealous.
Once Cadance had had her prize, her mood perked up quite noticeably. With nary a wave goodbye the pink mare pronked out of the room, courteously closing the door behind her.
Shining spoke the moment the door was shut, “Sorry, but I’m going to have to forego the pleasantries, Celestia.” The mare in question found herself silently wishing for another round of pancakes so she’d have any excuse at all to seem distracted from this conversation.
“I’m going to start with the light stuff. I’m sorry if what I said earlier upset you. I live with Cadance, teasing is basically second nature to me these days.”
Celestia waited a few moments as the silence grew, not quite sure if she was supposed to be responding yet, or if the real lecture hadn’t begun.
“I must apologize for my behavior as well,” she replied the very instant before the silence grew awkward.
Shining smiled briefly, before his expression solidified into the statuesque near-scowl that royal guards were known for. “I’ll pass that on to the guards later. You should know, strutting around like that makes them very uncomfortable. It was one thing to take a glance at you when you were single; at least then there was the faintest dream that a healthy stallion could get close enough to you.” He paused, narrowing his eyes slightly before continuing. “Now you’re with one of the most terrifying mares on the planet, and frankly, most of the guards are afraid Twilight might do something to them if they’re caught looking at you the wrong way.”
Celestia was offended, both personally and by proxy for Twilight, at the mere thought that Twilight would harm somepony. She clearly made a poor effort to hide her welling anger as Shining raised a forehoof defensively.
“Whoa, easy there. I was going to talk with you about this today regardless , but circumstance being what they are, it may not have come up at the best time. It’s nothing gravely serious, but there are a ton of rumors and speculation flying around within the guard’s ranks, and I think you and Twilight need to officially address the situation before it gets out of hoof any further.”
Celestia took a deep breath, exhaling much of her tension. “I have the feeling you need to discuss other things with me first. Remind me of this before you leave Canterlot so that we can talk more clearly without this spectre hanging over the discussion.”
Shining nodded, but stayed silent.
Celestia took the opportunity to take a few more calming breaths.
Suddenly, the stallion broke the silence, "You know, I was pretty oblivious to a mare's signals when I was younger, but you really learn a lot when you're married. I know what you were trying to do back there and, as much as Twilight's brother as Cadance's husband, I'm quite disappointed in you right now. Whatever is going on between you and Twily, your feelings need to stay between you and her. Trust me, Twilight is the only one in your life who needs to find you attractive, no pony else's opinion on your appearance should matter."
Celestia laid her head down on the table with a resigned sigh. "Her opinion is precisely what has me acting so... strangely."
"All the more reason to focus on her. If she's saying or doing something that bothers you so much you start acting like this, then you had better talk it out with her.” Shining leveled a gaze at his sovereign that in any other circumstance would have been treasonous. “I promise that you don't want to be talking it out with me if Twily ends up getting hurt because you can't keep your head on straight."
Celestia might have withered at his glare if she wasn’t more afraid of the thought of hurting Twilight than she was of Shining Armor’s threat. "We...do seem to have that effect on each other; making each other worry far too much about some things," — her thoughts drifted back to earlier that morning — “Although I believe Twilight is making more progress with that than I am lately.”
“That’s good,” A hint of a smile appeared on his face. “Worrying means you are important to each other. Sure, too much of it can be unhealthy, but there should always be a bit of concern in there.” Shining leaned in closer, as if to whisper. “The real secret is to—”
“To know when to act upon it,” Celestia finished. “I… still seem to forget that sometimes when it involves Twilight.” Shining smiled for her briefly before returning to his neutral expression. “I just,” —she paused, searching for the right words— “can’t keep my guard up when I’m alone with her.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Shining asked with more curiosity in his tone than he had intended.
Celestia finally raised her head from the table to gaze squarely at Shining Armor. “I’ve had my guard up for over a thousand years, with only a few fleeting moments of relaxation in all that time. Having my guard down feels alien; my mind keeps screaming that I’m becoming weak and I’m paranoid that my fears might be right.”
The stallion sat silent, taking in the magnitude of the secret he’d just been told.
“Can you understand that, Shining Armor?”
Shining waited a single, courteous moment before answering. “Promise me you won’t get angry with what I’m going to tell you.”
“Very well,” Celestia replied promptly, “I promise.”
Shining nodded. “Luna told us about your history with love. She, rather, the three of us found an old store of crystal berry wine in our castle’s basement. Stuff from before the empire vanished,” he smiled fondly, “Good stuff.”
Celestia frowned. “Please tell me Luna didn’t drink it all.”
Shining Armor laughed. “No, no. Nothing quite so bad. We all shared a single bottle. Can’t waste this kinda thing on a single night’s bingeing where you won’t even remember if it was good or not.” The mare’s frown leveled out. “Didn’t stop it from loosening lips though. Anyway, she told us what you told her about your past three lovers.”
“That’s what I get for trying to have a bit of uninterrupted time with Twilight,” Celestia remarked snidely.
“Wait,” Shining practically did a double take, “that’s why you sent her to the Crystal Empire? Cady and I thought you were mad at us.”
Curiosity found its way to the great alicorn’s face. “Why would you think that?”
“Luna had a note, signed by you, claiming that I was having trouble attending to Cadance’s needs.”
“I never wrote a note like that…”Celestia trailed off as her thoughts wandered to the past. “That might explain why she insisted on having me sign a blank scroll, though.”
Shining leveled an incredulous gaze at her, “She came stuffed in a box filled with packing peanuts, carrying another box full of her adult toys.”
The diarch’s expression brightened. “Well, that part was completely my doing.”
“Even the toys? Did you have to send those?”
“Of course!” Celestia exclaimed in her most innocent tone. “She has a two-way recall enchantment on them.”
Shining opened his mouth but promptly closed it.
Celestia snickered, “Honestly though, she had the box in hoof when I shoved her into the crate.”
Shining sighed. “Alright, I can accept that, but you should still apologize to Cadance later.
“So, as I was saying, she told us about your past lovers. Do you think, perhaps, that there is just a teensy-weensy little chance that some residual guilt might be influencing your behavior right now?”
“You think I am worrying too much.” It was not really a question.
“A bit. You know, Twilight is absolutely crazy about you. And, maybe more importantly, very stubborn about what she likes. I know you don’t think you have the best track record, but sometimes I think you underestimate just how determined Twilight can be when she wants something. And I don’t think she has wanted anything as much as she has wanted you.”
Warmth flooded her entire being. Celestia’s heart and wings grew restless as she tried in vain to fight the rising flush in her cheeks. “Ah,” she began before suddenly finding herself short on breath, “I see you,” —one deep breath, then another in half the time— “You certainly know just what to say to a mare.”
Shining smiled, much the same way as when he was appointed captain of the guard. “Well, if you don’t mind a bit of bragging, I do live with the best teacher in the world when it comes to sweet talking.”
Celestia turned and awkwardly batted at her wings. “Oh, darn it. Just behave already,” she whispered to the feathery appendages. Finding no obedience, she turned back to Shining Armor. “Well, aside from getting an old mare all flustered, do you have anything else to say that might help? I have had centuries to get those ancient feelings sorted out and it seems I’m simply no good at it.”
“To quote a wise and beautiful mare; you can’t fix a broken heart if you keep pretending it isn’t broken.”
Celestia sat in silence.
Before the conversation could continue, a very not-pronking pink alicorn stormed into the room, only stopping when she was mere centimeters from Celestia’s face.
“You need to go talk to Twilight,” she commanded.
The solar diarch opened her mouth to reply but a pink hoof shoved her muzzle shut.
“That wasn’t a request, missy.”
Celestia nodded without a word.
“Well? Get going!” the mare ordered.
With nary another glance, Celestia obeyed. Just as she reached the threshold to the hallway outside, her stride halted. She turned her head to face Cadance and Shining Armor. “Thank you.”
“If you want to thank me, then hurry up! I still want to spend time with you and Twilight that doesn’t involve relationship counseling!” Cadance exclaimed.
Celestia smiled and trotted out of the room.
Once again, Celestia walked through the castle halls with a purpose. Only this time, she had a slight detour in mind first.