//------------------------------//
// Chapter 73: The Chapter Henceforth Named After Funny Hats of Power 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

	“I take it all back. I miss the straight lines,” Light Patch groaned as the path began to turn back on itself like it had been doing for the last several hours. “If this keeps up, I may be sick.”
“Could be worse,” Purple Heart grunted. “This dungeon could be ridiculously complex with a Labyrinth vibe tossed in for good measure.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the shudder that worked through Light Patch at his friend’s thought. “You’ve had experience with non-euclidean dungeons before?”
“You don’t want to know the horrors of La-Mulana,” Light Patch rasped, turning to face Twilight, fear in his eyes. “Most dungeons don’t hate you so much as they have their own stuff to do, and don’t really care if that interferes with your continued living.” The pegasus then hooked a leg around Twilight’s neck. “But let me tell you, buddy. ‘La-Mulana...it hates you. It knocked you down in pre-school and stole your bike, which it then rode in front of your house every day while laughing,’ as a deceased crab once said.”
The alicorn’s expression had gone from mild confusion to mild concern to serious concern and back to confusion over the course of Light Patch’s explanation. “I… see.” She shook her head. “No. No, actually, I don’t. But I’m starting to think I just have to deal with that when it comes to you three.” She looked forward at the twisting path ahead. “Speaking of you three, how far into this do you think Wits End is?”
“Haven’t the foggiest,” Purple Heart sighed, eyeing the tunnel ahead. “I’m sure we’ll find him soon though. He wasn’t swearing high and low from a cage during that last boss catastrophe, so he’s probably being held further down the tunnel system.”
“Once we’re done traversing the hallway of infinite ox-bows,” Light Patch groused. “You know, with the way this hall is curving, it might not be easily connected. I’m almost certain this hallway should have intersected itself by now. Discord, stop cheating at snake!” the pegasus shouted to the ceiling, thus causing him to bump into a door the others had seen where he had not.
“I have found a door,” he mumbled into the ground from his prone position in front of the door. A hoof was raised for punctuation.
“Indeed you have,” Rarity agreed. “It’s not at all surprising you didn’t see it.”
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash snickered. “What do you think is on the other side?”
“Hopefully Wits is,” Fluttershy said.
“Oooooh~!” Pinkie bounced beside Light Patch. “I wonder if he’s having a tea party! Him being princessified an all!”
“Open the blasted door then,” Applejack urged impatiently.
“C’mon, Light,” Purple Heart grumbled. “Up you get. You can kiss the door later.” Ignoring the pegasus’ yelps of annoyance, the purple earth pony heaved the door open after shoving Light Patch aside.
“Tank goes first, then everypony else,” Purple Heart muttered, trotting warily into the new chamber.
“And clerics in the back where we can keep the fighters hale and hearty, or so the song goes,” Light Patch muttered as he followed close behind Purple Heart.
The eight ponies walked into the room, squinting around at the dimly lit walls in an attempt to make out the details of the chamber. Torches spluttered weakly in brackets upon the walls, providing poor illumination. Their attention was commanded by a large golden birdcage sitting in the center of the room. The light there was better, sparkling off the golden bars of the cage. Within, reclined upon a couch covered in plush cushions, was a figure. A familiar, yet slightly different, mint-colored mare.
“Where the absolute frack have you been?” Wits End exclaimed, leaning backwards over the arm of the couch to glare at the eight ponies. “I’ve been waiting here, in this stupid cage. For. Ev. Er. Did you stop for sushi or something on the way, or what?”
Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the mare. “The urge was there, but we wanted to save our friend,” he retorted. “I’d blame Discord, but it’s his job and frankly, it’s getting old.”
“Wits?” Fluttershy asked softly, walking closer to the cage’s bars. “Are you alright?”
“Oh yes, peachy keen.” The unicorn mare rolled over. “Just got coltnapped, held captive by a crazy alicorn, and had very important parts replaced by a very unsympathetic mare!” She shifted one of the pillows into a more comfortable position. “But yeah, overall, a good day.”
“Crazy alicorn?” Twilight asked, surprised. “Who’s the crazy alicorn?”
“If I had to guess, he might be talking about Sol Eater,” Rarity offered.
“Wonder if now would be a good time to comment on that,” Purple Heart muttered under his breath.
“Commenting about what?” Pinkie Pie asked, appearing beside the Purple Barbarian.
“Tentacles,” he shuddered.
“Are you quite finished?” Rarity asked. “We need to get Wits out of there!”
“Aye aye. One locksmith coming up,” Light Patch declared, stepping up to the cage. “You’ll wanna move.” He raised his hammer and bashed at the lock on the cage. He stepped aside as the door swung open. “And blam, I’ve picked the lock. That’ll be fifty bits… Nah, I’ll give you the friend discount. Forty five bits.”
Wits End slid off the couch and trotted out the door. “Classy. I’ll owe you.” The door slid closed behind her. “And yeah, Sol Eater’s the crazy alicorn. She’s the one behind the zombponies, she’s the Lady of Sunlight, I’m pretty sure Discord was watching Lord of the Rings when he came up with her, and I’m pretty sure she’s an endboss.” She paused for a moment. “Am I missing anything?”
“Yes,” Purple Heart said. “We had to deal with three puzzles that were traumatic to complete, but extremely simple and we fought Wayward Sun.” He paused, his brow furrowed in annoyance. “If you hadn’t already coined the ‘disappoint look’, I’d be using it right now. However, I’m not inclined to be hit by the copyright fish.”
“Good call.” Wits looked up at the purple stallion, frowning at the intensified height difference the former’s transformation gave them. “How was that fight, anyway? Much throwing of lighting spears and getting good, I take it?”
Light Patch frowned. “More Bob the Goldfish and less Dobkeratops,” he deadpanned. “In any case, now that the party’s together, what say we get while the getting is still good?”
“I concur,” Rarity said. “I’m not certain why Purple Heart is so anxious about the swiftness of this scenario. He seems to think it’s a bad thing.”
“It is a bad thing,” the purple earth pony snapped. “That fight with Wayward should have lasted significantly longer than Pinkie simply booping him on the nose!”
“We’ll be done with the game sooner though,” Twilight commented, eyeing Purple Heart critically. “Why do you seem so eager for it to continue?”
“I don’t want it to continue!” Purple Heart barked. “I’m worried that something has altered the game itself!”
“Why should we want to quit now?” Pinkie asked cheerfully. “We’re having fun!”
Wits coughed. “Personally, I’m having a lovely time.”
“I’m sorry,” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Are we just ignoring the fact that he,” she jerked a hoof at the mint-colored pony, “is now a she?”
“Suppose so,” Applejack muttered.
“GAH!” Purple Heart cried, throwing his forelegs into the air before his front hooves clopped loudly against the stone floor. He prowled away from the group, seething inside.
“What’s got your tail all in a twist?” Twilight asked.
“Nothing,” Purple Heart growled, finally answering the purple alicorn’s question. “I just want this to end.”
“It will in due time,” Rarity soothed.
“I can’t help but disagree,” he muttered under his breath. The mares heard his words but ignored them in favor of worrying over Wits End.
“Did she force that change?” Applejack inquired.
Wits End thought for a moment. “I did mention the ‘crazy’ part of ‘crazy alicorn’, right? Tell me if this sounds familiar: she’s some sort of ancient god-like being banished by her sister, and now she’s coming back to subjugate everypony under her ‘rightful’ rule.”
“Uh yes, I’ll take who are Celestia and Luna for five hundred bits, Mr. Questional Answers,” Light Patch chimed in.
“We have a winner!” Wits looked up at the grey pegasus. “Did you get taller? Did everypony get taller while I wasn’t around? Were they handing out platform horseshoes in some damp cave in here?”
“That’s… not exactly what happened,” Fluttershy muttered.
Twilight decided it was time to ask the obvious question. “So, where is Sol Eater now?”
Wits blinked. “Oh, right, I forgot! Kinda important thing. Sol Eater’s marching on Gallopilli with an army of zombponies at her command. If you thought Boomer had an army at his disposal, then boy howdy are you in for a treat.”
Twilight stared blankly at her. “And you didn’t tell us because…”
“Hey, I’ve been here for like hours. I got super bored and started writing a fictional version of our adventures in my head.” Wits frowned. “Remembering that fact made me forget the entire third arc, by the way.”
“The worlds have truly lost a great work of fiction, just like…” Light Patch paused, trying to find words. “Uh... Well, there was that one with the… things and... Oh! What about that one, Purple Heart? You know, the one that uh… the things, and the other thing.” The pegasus stallion trailed off, ignoring Purple Heart’s confused blinking. “In any case, my point stands. We’ve forgotten wherever it was. We have a town to save.”
“Then we should leave quickly,” Twilight suggested, head reeling from the pegasus’ lack of coherency. “There’s another door back there to the left, hidden in the shadows. I think we can get to the surface quickly through there.”
“This is the only time I’m thanking Discord for installing a sneaky way out,” Purple Heart grumbled as the party cantered over to the door. “He probably took a page out of the book the Skyboxrim devs used.”
“What book is that?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“‘Always put a back way out in a dungeon, barrow, or ruin,’” the purple earth pony explained. “Saves time in getting on to more important things instead of backtracking through the dungeon.” Light Patch cleared his throat to butt in.
“Also, backtracking forces you to have to think about all of the stuff you’ve gotta leave behind because of weight limits,” the pegasus quickly added. “We now return you to your regularly scheduled message.”
“And why didn’t you mention this door?” Rainbow Dash asked, raising an eyebrow at Wits End. “Did you forget that too?”
“No, actually.” Wits was keeping the rest of the party between her and the door. “I didn’t see it because it’s dark as Luna’s hindquarters in here.”
“And you’re behind us because…”
“Because the last time I got near a door I got coltnapped, held captive by a crazy alicorn, and had very important parts replaced by a very unsympathetic mare.”
The rainbow-haired mare thought for a moment. “Good point.”
“This might be a silly question,” Applejack said, “an’ Ah’m sorry for delayin’ us, but why haven’t ya’ll changed back with yer Changeling powers yet?”
“I, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Wits held the syllable for a good three seconds, staring blankly at the wall the whole time. He finally finished, “can’t? She kinda locked my powers somehow. I can’t change back, or use any of my other abilities.”
“That must be irritating,” Purple Heart wondered aloud, feeling sympathy for the colt-turned-mare. “Now, shall we onwards through the door?”
“Might as well,” Applejack said. “We gotta get to Gallopilli fast-like if we want to save the city.”
“Roight then.” The Purple Barbarian set his weight against the door, grunting as it shifted open on rusted hinges.
The door opened onto a room that was pitch black, only lit by the torchlight of the previous room. If there was anything else inside the darkness, there was no way to tell from the doorway. “Maybe we should take a moment to light a torch,” Rarity mused. “It’s quite dark in there.”
“I’ll cast Flare in there first,” Twilight said, focusing her magic into her horn.
“Yeah, about that…” Wits gave Pinkie Pie a shove, tipping her over into the other ponies in a domino effect and sending the party into the darkness. “Can’t let you do that, Star Pony.” The door slammed closed behind them, sending the room into complete blackness.
“Well sh-” Purple Heart was cut off by a bleeping sound from above. He huffed. “Fine, Discord. Well carp, seems like we’ve got another boss battle. And now Wits is Mind Slave Number One. Charming. You’d better cast Flare right about now Twilight or else the irony of Sol Eater’s moniker will kick us in the face.”
“What do you mean irony?” Twilight asked, once again gathering magic to cast the spell.
“Darkness?” Purple Heart prompted. “Kind of amusing considering she’s the Lady of the Sun.”
“This would have been a great time for my sun in a jar to have not gone novae on me.” A soft purple glow interrupted the grey pegasus from complaining further it also clued him in on what the cold thing he’d landed on was. “It’s an ambush for sure! Zombponies!” Light Patch shouted, flitting up and drawing his hammer out as he tried to figure out exactly where everyone in the group was.
“Oh, my little ponies.” The voice in the darkness chuckled. “If you wanted a sun, all you had to do was ask.” The room filled with a silvery light, illuminating the room just enough for the adventurers to see.
Across the room from them stood the source of the light: Sol Eater, clad in silks and silvers, and with a smirk on her face. Next to her was Wits End, male once again and sword at his side. Between the two groups was somewhere around every zombpony they had seen in the town, times twelve.
“Wits End,” Fluttershy murmured when she looked up.
“What gives shoving us, and why are you standing next to her!” Rainbow Dash shouted.
“I think he’s being mind controlled,” Purple Heart sighed as he face-hoofed.
“It was a trap and we walked right into it,” Light Patch moaned.
“Sorry, folks,” Wits smiled. “But I mean, come on. I literally told you that I was held by somepony with mind control powers.” He glanced up at the alicorn before turned back to his former allies. “What’s the line? Evil will triumph because good is dumb?”
“Har har,” Purple Heart growled, eyes narrowing at the now revealed alicorn. “I suppose you’re a little yandere about your little filly now, aren’t you? Too fraking bad. I’m getting my friend back. I still have to finish Undertale and I need him to badger me about it!” The Purple Barbarian tensed, his mane and tail poofing up in an expressive manner, speaking of his rage and fury.
A strange series of expressions passed over the mint-colored stallion’s face, settling on… betrayal? “So that’s it, huh? Light Patch meets Perfect Profit, and we’re fine. You get Amber Glitter, and everypony’s happy. But I find the Lady of Sunlight, and now it’s ‘everything is terrible and you have to stop it’? Hmmph.” He drew his sword from its scabbard, leveling it at Purple Heart. “Then I guess it is too bad.”
“I see there’s no point talking any further,” Purple Heart stated coldly, preparing from the coming fight. He cast a look over his shoulder at the frozen mares. “I’ll try to knock some sense into Wits. I need you guys to keep the zombponies off my back, got it?”
Twilight opened her mouth to argue but hesitated when she saw the pained look in the purple earth pony’s eyes. Instead, she clenched her jaw and jerked a nod. A small smile flickered across Purple Heart’s face and then it was gone, replaced by a blank expression. He swung around and charged towards Wits End.
“Why do you think he didn’t equip himself with his gauntlet?” Rarity asked aloud.
“He doesn’t want to hurt Wits,” Fluttershy whispered.
“Too much,” Light Patch said as he revived a field of vines under the groups hooves to slow the zombies down some. “It’s also hard to knock sense into the dead or unconscious. Anyway it’s time I gather enough zombie hoofs to make a necklace!”
“Let’s do our part, then,” Applejack said, lassoing a group of zombponies. “An’ hope that Purple Heart can get through ta Wits before he beats’m into a minty pulp.”
Rainbow Dash drew her bow and nocked three arrows. “All we have to do is give him time,” the cyan pegasus said. “Let’s go then!”
Purple Heart threw a punch at Wits’ torso in an attempt to elicit a reaction from the unicorn. Wits End turned to avoid the blow, using the turn to lend power to a swing to the barbarian’s head. In response to the horizontal slash, Purple Heart ducked his head and followed up with a charge forward to use his forehead as a battering ram. His attack met and he jerked himself to a stop.
The blow sent the mint-colored stallion rolling backwards, sliding to his hooves for several feet as he recovered. “Guess this is what I get for fighting the sportsballer,” he grumbled, keeping the tip of his sword between him and Purple Heart. He thought for a moment before settling on a battle plan. “Why are you so obsessed with getting this over with?” he asked. “Can’t you just enjoy our one chance at another life?” He punctuated his question with a lunge, driving his blade toward the barbarian’s chest.
Purple Heart hesitated, allowing the mimic’s words to distract him long enough so that he couldn’t dodge the incoming blade unscathed. Just as the tip of Wits’ sword was about to pierce his chest armor, he jerked to the side, letting the blade scratch through his armor and across part of his chest. He stood there, wincing in pain as he breathed.
“You and I both know that us three don’t belong here,” Purple Heart panted, his breathing labored. “What about our families back home? Don’t you think that our absence has affected them in some way? How can you be so selfish to believe that we can stay here of all places? Do you think that Discord will just let us stay in Equestria after this is all over with? Celestia and Luna have final say!” He inhaled deeply and turned to present his hindquarters to the mint unicorn. “Nail Kick!” The attack scattered its shotgun effect in a wide pattern, leaving little room for Wits End to escape.
With no room to maneuver, Wits End took a different tactic. He grabbed one of the surrounding zombies with his magic and pulled it towards him, using the pale, unsuspecting pegasus as a shield. “It’s because we have to go back that we should enjoy the time we have!” he countered, letting the defeated zombpony drop. “This is literally a one-in a lifetime opportunity! Besides, if you really wanted to go back that badly, we should’ve refused to play from the very beginning. Where was your consideration then?”
“I was wondering, ‘what could go wrong’?” Purple Heart snapped, mimicking Wits’ thought process by grabbing a hapless zombpony. He paused in his action to continued speaking. “See how that’s come to bite me in the butt? I thought that Discord wouldn’t go rooting around inside our heads to find the pieces of villains that we would fear the most and then slap them all together without reading the warning label! Bael isn’t exactly made of the nicest things and Holdfast certainly has his own issues with you! I want this to end now so that we don’t sacrifice the lives of our new friends! And Light Patch!” He hurled the zombpony at Wits End, then threw a hoof out, gesturing at the fighting mares and colt.
The male pegasus in question was holding the frontline with Applejack while Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Twilight provided ranged support. Rarity and Fluttershy stayed back to heal the forward fighters as well as supply crowd control to ease the stress of the frontline.
Now it was Wits’ turn to hesitate as he turned to watch the fighting ponies. A move that cost him a body-blow via zombpony. “Don’t you think that’s what I was doing in Gallopilli?” he growled, tossing the pony to the side. “Of course this world is dangerous! Their world is dangerous!” He waved a hoof at the mares. “Haven’t you seen it? Literally every week there something huge and terrible going on!”
The mint-colored stallion snapped his sword handle out into a spear, “And yet they’re doing fine! Heck, they’ve done better than we have! They haven’t gotten blackmailed, or arrested and put in the dungeon, or almost gotten their faces bashed in by a giant hammer. If anything, we’re more dangerous to them than anything else in this world!” Wits charged forward, swinging his polearm straight down at Purple Heart’s head. “So yeah, maybe I’m doing them a favor by leaving!”
Lifting a foreleg to block the downstroke, Purple Heart gritted his teeth as the blade bit into his leather armored leg. He took the advantage and darted forward, bringing himself deep within Wits End’s guard. “Exactly!” he hissed. “The quicker we leave, the quicker we get out of their lives and back to our own! They can take care of themselves! We’re just making it worse!” Purple Heart’s signature attack leapt to the front of his mind out of habit. His left eye twitched and he shook the urge off, electing to simply punch Wits End point blank in the chest.
Wits End knew he was in trouble. He had gotten in close with a reach weapon, and now he was running out of options. Rather than take another body-shot straight on, he opted to drop his weapon and cross his forelegs in front of him. “Oaken Shield!” At their close proximity, the bark and brambles only mitigated the blow, and Wits felt the pain radiate through his body. “And what if I don’t want to leave them?” he asked through clenched teeth; both from the physical and emotional pain. “Once we leave, there no guarantee we can come back! How do I decide between staying with friends or going back to my home?”
Purple Heart couldn’t come up with a retort to that, one that didn’t sound sappy. But he had to try. “Have you forgotten the basis of their entire motto?” he asked, his voice softening. “Friendship is Magic. And friends-”
“I have seen enough.” The light of Sol Eater loomed behind the purple barbarian pony. “And I cannot allow you to pollute my princess’ mind any further.” The light flared, casting the rest of the room into shadow by comparison. “Your time has come to an end, young warrior.” Sol Eater’s forehoof shone with flames like a solar flare on its way through the barbarian’s back, emerging through his chest.
Purple Heart’s eyes widened in shock and pain as he looked down to see the bright hoof sticking out the front of his chest. He coughed as his sight dimmed. He could make out a fuzzy expression of surprise on Wits’ face before his sight faded to black. A scream of surprise echoing in the distance was all he could hear before all sound and sight ceased.


* * *


A shiver raced down Bael’s spine, jerking him from the preparations for making the seal that would bind the god-being long enough for him to relieve the individual of their power. Bael frowned at the sensation, examining the pull that tugged at his chest. Something was wrong, that much he knew. But he couldn’t put his finger on it…
His sharp intake of breath drew the appraising gazes of several ponies that lived as citizens of Just Duty’s land. The sensation wasn’t new. He’d felt it the first time when Purple Heart had been on the verge of death after Grim Hammer had struck him through the Coliseum wall.
“Something has happened to the Barbarian,” Bael muttered, eyes flicking to where the tug in his chest was pulling him towards. “He’s underground… And he’s on the verge of death...”
“And let me guess, you’re the only one allowed to kill him?” Just Duty replied looking up from his conversation with the head of the town guard.
Eyes narrowing, Bael turned to stare down at the lord. “I’d prefer to be the one, yes,” he allowed through gritted teeth. “It is my prerogative to end him. I mean to question the god-being why he created me with such a purpose.”
Just Duty shrugged. “A reasonable question, I have my own as well.”
Bael rolled his eyes, filing away the location the pull was dragging at his chest towards in the back of his mind for later use. He’d deal with whoever thought to usurp his purpose after the binding and sapping.
With a deep inhale to calm himself and focus his mind, the tall being pulled the enchanted sword from the satchel hanging from his broad shoulders. The blade shone dully in the late afternoon sun and a faded aura covered the business end of the weapon. He’d charged the enchantment earlier to prepare for the afternoon. Cradling the weapon in his large hands, Bael looked to where Holdfast stood, directing the ponies digging the seal circle.
“How much longer?” the grey being asked, trying not to come off as impatient or petulant.
Holdfast waved a pair of laborers away. “Nearly finished, assuming your designs are correct.” He flashed a derisive smile at the biped. “Don’t worry your strange little head. I’m sure your barbarian will find some way to survive. If not, good riddance to the only real threat among them.”
Bael frowned at the barb but ignored it, electing to instead shift his expression to one of indignance. “Of course the designs are correct,” he sniped. “I had to pour over dozens of books to find them. I even ripped the pages out just to trace them. Don’t say I half-arse my plans.”
“Considering that you have managed to hold our little group together I believe that is very clear.” He gave the guard captain a nod and walked to be near Bael. “All town’s ponies other than the guards are in their basements, and as safe as we can make them should this battle became more heated than we anticipated.” A frown grew over his face. “To think that we’re talking so casually about bringing a god low, as if it was nothing more than a powerful demon or wizard.”
“Assuming it is anything more than a demon or wizard,” Holdfast added. “The circle is finished. Whenever you’re ready to start this.”
Bael nodded in acknowledgement to the unicorn and looked to Just Duty. “Are your citizens aware of the possibility of migraines and some exhaustion?” he asked.
“Yes they have been informed of the risks. To minimize them, most are in basements towards the outskirts of the ring, and none are alone. The guards have been instructed to stay towards the outside of the ring as well. The archers and mages stand ready to assist if needed, but I fear if we need them we’ve already lost,” Just Duty said, watching them move away from where they’d finished with the circle.
“Perfect,” Bael grinned. “Now, let us cast down a god.”