A dog stared at the wallet lazily hanging in the back pocket of his pony owner’s jeans. Its brown, thick leather set a sparkle shining in his eyes. It looked like it would feel soft when he grabbed it, but that wasn’t what got his attention. It was the bits sitting in the bottom, making it look so big it could burst. It was just there for the taking. He was so busy chatting with his pony friends the mutt could take it and he wouldn’t even notice!
He could do so much with the money. The thought was powerful enough to create a miniature version of himself, wearing a red dress and carrying a pitchfork. “Yeah go, ahead. You’ve earned it, champ!”
The mutt couldn’t explain it, but he was sucked in the little devil’s influence. Like every word it spoke, his ears would always listen. “Well alright!” the dog exclaimed. As he reached his paw for the wallet, another version of himself puffed up on his left shoulder. This one wore a white robe and had a halo hovering above his head.
“Don’t do listen to that guy, he’s nuts!” the angel shouted. Unlike the devil, this one was more kinder, the mount could feel like he could make a choice without pressure. This one had a motherly tone that inspired the dog to wanna do good just for the sake of it.
The little devil chuckled. “Says the guy who wears a dress.”
“It’s a robe!”
Not many ponies could relate to a protagonist who’s got shoulder angels because that’s “borderline crazy” or “just plain stupid”, but she disagree.
“I take it you enjoyed your meal ma’dam?” Derpy yanked her head from the newspaper in time to see a handsome stallion wearing a black vest with a long white shirt overneath it. He held a tray in one hoof while standing on the other.
Such impressive skills, wow.
“Yeah, it was delicious. Commentary to the chef,” Derpy said with a giggle.
“I’ll be sure to let him know,” he said.”Your bill.” He levitated her a white piece of paper while taking her plate. “Have a nice day.”
Derpy grabbed it and looked at her bill. She was surprised the bill reached to only ten bits. She looked up to see the stallion had moved to another table. She checked her puny bag of bits on the table. Maybe I should tip the waiter for a job well done.
“Stop right there! Don’t give him a tip!” cried a faint voice. “Think of the ton of ice cream we could get!”
Derpy licked her lips. “I do like ice cream.” She frowned. “But it doesn’t feel right.”
“Yes, follow that feeling, Derpy,” countered another voice, but this one had a more sweet and motherly tone. “I think you should give him the tip. What if he holds some type of grudge against you?”
A chuckle echoed in her ears. “For not ‘giving him the tip’? Are you serious right now?”
While the other voice was laughing, the motherly one continued. “If you don’t wanna do it, Derpy. You don’t have to, but I think you’ll feel happy you did later on.”
Derpy hummed.“You think so?”
“Pfft, that was really funny!” A tiny insect hovered close to her ear. However, if looked at closely, it became clear that instead it was a tiny version of a mare the size of an insect. It was not terribly hard to miss as the tiny mare had a hot red colored coat, a dark red mane, and her ears were pointed like sharp knives. True to her colors, her name was Red. “Jerks don’t get tips for being jerks to everypony, you know? If that were the case, I would be so rich right now!”
The mailmare giggled behind her hoof. “Can’t argue there…”
“Oh ha ha, very funny, cross-eyes,” Red said.
“Hey, my eyes aren’t crossed! I just look at my muzzle more than others!” Derpy shouted. Just to prove her point, she concentrated and uncrossed her eyes. “See!”
Hearing a commotion behind her, Derpy turned around just in time to see another waiter who had spilled a drink on her waiter's starched white shirt. The stallion shouted and yelled unspeakable slurs at his fellow co worker before storming off.
Red chuckled. “Jeez, who whizzed in his cereal?”
Another tiny mare hovered over Derpy’s shoulder. This one was coated in a heavenly white color, reflecting the sun’s light. However, this one was slightly larger than her counterpart. Her mane was a pure blond just like Derpy’s. She was called White. “Derpy, I think you should give him the tip. Maybe he’s having a bad day and—”
“‘Maybe he’s having a bad day,’” Red echoed in a mocking tone. “‘Hey I’m White, I’m a sweet wittle angel who has a very kind heart and I fart out rainbows!’”
White gasped before shouting,“Hey, I do not sound like that! And I don’t fart out rainbows!”
“‘Hey, I don’t wound like that!’” Red stuck out her tongue.
White growled as fire burned in her eyes. “That’s it!’
Red threw her hooves wide and puffed her chest out. “Bring it, sista!”
Derpy’s two little friends having a slap battle was new. Both of them blindly threw slaps at each other like two little fillies arguing over a toy. Their incessant whining and the sound of their hooves smacking against each other’s cheeks sounded like tiny bodies slapping against each other.
“Stop it!” Red grunted.
White growled. “You first!”
“No, you!”
Derpy’s mind was stuck between the two, and that always left her with a pounding headache. She rubbed her forehead and groaned. ”I swear I’ll murder you both! I won’t feel bad either!”
Both stopped.
“She started it,” Red said, rubbing her foreleg.
White threw Red a nasty glare.
The waiter came back with his mane looking like it had been run through a fan with red tomato stains were all over his formerly white shirt. He brushed his hair back and looked down to see the lonely bill sitting on the table. “I’ve been gone for at least five minutes and you still have not paid your bill?”
She blushed as the stallion shook his head and sighed. ‘Sorry, just a moment,” she said as she bent over and grabbed bits from her bag. “Here you go!” Her eyes widened when her hoof brushed against the side of her cup accidently, tilting it over. The stallion’s eyes slowly opened as the juice spilled onto his uniform. The mailmare suddenly found the stallion’s face uncomfortably close to hers as it turned red as a cherry. “That’s it! I’m tired of idiots like you spilling drinks on me!”
Derpy looked around as eyes were planted on her. There was a cough in the background. She lowered her head as she knew the stallion wasn’t finished. “I bet you weren’t even going to leave a tip! Because you’re too broke and stupid to leave one tiny bit for a hard working pony!”
The wall-eyed mare’s frown matched the stallion's as they glared at each other.
“Yes, do it, young apprentice,” Red said in a raspy and cracked voice. “Join the totally boss side.”
White appeared in a puff of cloud as she pushed Red away. “No, don’t listen to—!” Her words became muffled as Red covered her mouth with a hoof while hovering behind her.
Derpy replaced her frown with a smirk and reached into her bag as she took out enough bits for the bill, handing them over towards the waiter’s empty hoof. “Here you go.”
Then dropped the bits right in front of his face—like a boss.
She didn’t even need to look at his face to tell he was furious. Her mind was elsewhere, too busy imaging a big explosion behind her as she walked away.
“That’s what I’m talking about! You go girl!” Red cleared her throat and adapted a frown on her face, mimicking the waiter. “‘Ma’am, you haven’t paid your bills yet? I have very important butler things to do.’” She blew a raspberry as she tried to contain her laughter. “And you was all like, ‘Bill? I got your bill right here!’” she said as she pointed to…
Tick!
She looked up the clocktower as the hand landed on twelve. “Well, time to resume some back-breaking, wing-spraining job of mine.”
“You talking about being a mailmare? Because you could blow that off and blow something else off if you know what I—”
“I swear, Red. I’ll find some pills that deal with this kind of thing and murder you!” Derpy’s face brightened up and her wings fluttered as Red shut her mouth.
Then Red started snickering.
Derpy arched an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”
“Murder me, murder White too!” Red shouted gleefully.
White gasped. “Hey that’s not—”
“Aaaaaah!”
“You hear that?” Red and White asked in mutual harmony.
Derpy looked at the clock and gasped at the sight. “Oh my gosh, I’m late!” she shouted as her wings sprang out and launched her into the air.
Crrraaaash!
She looked down where the waiters laid on a broken cart of oranges, knocking them onto the floor. “You okay?” she shouted.
He groaned a faint “yeah.” Probably.
Derpy bit her lip and looked back. It looked like the stallion was getting up… just to fall back down. “Should I go back and help him?”
“Nah.”
She was about to protest, but decided instead to continue flying in silence.
Red clung onto Derpy's ear with an unbreakable grip, her tiny body flapping in the slipstream of her host's rapid flight.Her cheeks flapped as the wind came rushing in, tears falling from her eyes. Her own screaming was muffled by the rushing wind in her eardrums. “I will not let a stinky mane being the last thing I smell!” She reached a hoof and grabbed the hair, heaving as she pulled herself up.
Only to fall back down. The comics made this looked so easy.
She closed her eyes as she repeated, “Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” She looked down. “Oh my breeze, why did I look down!” The ponies looked like ants scattered all over the place. Her eyes slowly gave into the temptation of passing out, but the wind prevented that as it smacked her in the face unrelentingly.
Red’s cheeks puffed up as she was about to release her breakfast, but she held onto it when she looked down and spotted White. The white breezie gripped her hooves on the strand of hair that twisted her body around.
“White!” Red shouted. Her counterpart clearly couldn’t hear her as she kept her head down. If she didn’t find some way to call her fellow breezie, then it could be certain death for her rival.
But… that meant that she could have Derpy all to herself. She could almost picture the throne she would sit upon with her devilish bottom. Derpy would sit by her side like a dog, bound by a leash Red had control of. And White would feed her grapes and comment how awesome she was.
White’s faint screaming broke her out of her daydream.
The idea was taken into consideration.
The touch of the wind was a relaxing sensation. Derpy looked down from above as she flew over Ponyville. Nopony seemed to be roaming around; no carriages, no royal guards making rounds or monsters attacking the town.
Only Derpy and the chirping crickets enjoyed the night.
The sight of her near-empty bag flapping around everywhere was a good reminder that she was on her last run. All the letters had been delivered to their rightful owners. She could fly through rain, snow, and even hail, but nothing would stop her from delivering the mail. Derpy slowed her flapping as she approached the ground near a small, square-shaped house situated near a few other houses. She landed on the sidewalk, only inches away from her friend’s house and walked towards it.
“Please don’t fly too fast again,” White said.
“Why? Can’t you two like ‘poof’ away or something!”
“We’re the kind that can feel death too!”
Red chuckled and whispered, “Next time, speed up.”
She knocked twice on the door before taking a step back. It wasn’t long ‘til she heard movements within. The door opened, and a mare stood before her, gazing at her with a smile. The mare was a unicorn with a brown coat that had a championship belt as a cutie mark. “Hey, Derpy!”
“Hey, Brash.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a small envelope. Brash took the mail and tore it up, her eyes darting back and forth.
Brash’s smile slowly turned into a frown as her eyes moved to the bottom of the letter. “Oh no.” Her ears drooped down. “This is not good.”
“Welp, I gotta run, see you next time!” She turned around and prepared to lance into the sky.
“Wait!”
She turned around hesitantly; Brash had a sheepish smile. She blushed and rubbed her foreleg. “Do you wanna... come inside? Maybe have a little friend-to-friend time?”
Derpy bit her tongue and held tightly onto her bag. “I still got mail to deliver.” Sweat beaded her head when the mare eyes looked down at where her bag weightless laid.
“It’s looks empty to me.” The mare moaned.“Come on, please, I need a friend right now.”
She pondered the idea of going inside her house. The pro was getting some rest time while the con was an awkward time with her friend during her work hours as a mailmare. “Run, Derpy, run!” Red shouted.
“Come on, Derpy,” White said. “Look at how sad she looks. It would do her wonders if you said yes.”
Derpy looked at the mare’s face. It was impossible to avoid Brash’s puppy eyes. She tried to look away, but the sheer adorability overwhelmed her. She sighed. “Fine.”
Brash clapped her hooves together as she giggled, or more like snorted like a pig. “Great, come on in!” She grabbed the mailmare by the forelegs and yanked her inside. Derpy’s eyes widened as she looked around the place. She was surprised Brash hadn’t filled the place with a whole family as the cottage was even wider on the inside than the outside.
The kitchen had a modern look to it with beige walls, and a colorful marble floor. A cylindrical light fixture hung above the ovular dining table. The mare tossed the ripped mail on the table as she walked to the fridge.
Derpy’s eyes couldn’t stop staring at the mail. She wondered what got Brash so suddenly concerned. A eviction note? Bills? A letter from mom? Oh the poor mare. She broke her train of thought when Brash slammed the door shut.
Derpy’s eyes came to rest on a group of gold medals hanging in the hall.“You like em? I got them for best female wrestler.”
“They’re nice,” Derpy said with a smile.
“I could show you some of my moves if you like?” The mare asked with a twitch in her eye.
“No!” Derpy blushed as she sat down after jumping up with her outburst. “I mean that don’t sound like my type of thing.”
Brash shrugged. “My husband loves my wrestling moves.”
“Oh I’m sure he does,” Red said in Derpy’s ear.
The mare’s smile fell when she sighed. “You’re probably wondering what was in the letter? I applied for a restaurant, but they declined due to ‘stay home wife’ not qualifying as having cooking experience.” she giggled. “I understand their decision. I’m certain they’ll find somepony better than me!”
Derpy jumped when a knife stabbed through the table. She looked up at Brash whose burning eyes returned to normal when her smile came back. “Well, anyway, I was feeling a little chefy so I made a little dish!” Brash giggled as she levitated three bowls onto the table. It had some tomatoes and that purple thing that looked like a pulp all sprinkled with cheese and ranch dressing.
It was a delicious sight to some ponies, but Derpy would ruin the sight with her vomit.
“Ugh, I don’t understand why ponies feel proud making a salad. It’s not that hard! That crossed eyes mare could do that!” Red shouted.
Derpy rolled her eyes.“Nice one.”
Brash smiled. “Thank you.”
“I wasn’t talking about you, I would have said crossed eyed mailmare… big difference.”
White groaned. “Red… don’t make me raise my hoof.”
Red remained silent.
The mailmare dug into her salad and hovered the fork over to her mouth, but stopped as she gave her friend a pleading puppy eyes look. However, Brash was too consumed over eating her salad so she showed no guilt over that huge smile.
The fork shook under her hoof and her mouth closed every time the food grew near. “Come on, Derpy don’t be rude. Just take one bite and then it’s over,” White said.
Derpy gagged and put the fork back when the smell went into her nose. Suddenly, the sound of a distant door slamming came to her rescue as Brash turned her attention to it. She rubbed any trace of the salad off her tongue and did silent spits to the side before Brash turned around.
Just like a giant, footsteps echoed through the house. It was slow and frightening. As if he was a villain using shadows as an effect, he then revealed his face as he walked out of the shadowy corners. Or rather limped. His white shirt was drenched with purple juice, ruffled up and unattended just like his mane.
“Chug-chug-chug-chung, nope! Nope! All aboard the nope train!” Red shouted.
“Oh no,” White said.
Brash gasped. “Oh my Celestia, are you okay? What happened?”
He kept his eyes on the mailmare as he said, “Something bad.”
“Oh my.” Brash kissed her husband and brushed his hoof. “Who did this to you? Some snot-nosed teenagers?” Her eyes became red as she growled through clenched teeth. “I swear they’re going to get a headlock if they keep missing with my baby!”
The little devil chuckled. “Jeez, she really loves her wrestling.”
“I can’t help but agree with Red… that scares me,” said the little angel.
“Aww, am I’m starting to grow on you?” replied Red.
The waiter gripped his wife and kissed her on the nose. “Calm down, okay baby?”
She smiled when he rubbed her on the back. “Okay…," she said with a giggle and turned to Derpy. "Sorry you had to see that. Old habits die hard!”
Derpy gulped.“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Brash gave her husband a kiss on the cheek.“Be right back, gotta use the fillies room!”
And she already dashed out of the room.
The stallion whirled around towards Derpy and snapped, "Thanks to you, I lost my job!”
Derpy blinked.“Wait, what did I do?”
“What you do? WHAT DID YOU DO!” His face turned red as he burst out, “You made me chase you, leaving the customers unattended! Then you made me damage that cart which I now gotta pay for!” He huffed. “Plus I think I broke a rib trying to strangle you!”
She held her hooves up as he growled at her like a vicious dog. “Uh, my bad?”
The stallion threw his head up and groaned. “Ugh!”
As if her wife senses were tingling, Brash’s head popped from the kitchen. “Is everything alright!”
“Uh, nothing babe. Just chatting!” When Brash disappeared back into the other room, he got in close to Derpy and bumped his forehead against her’s. ”I’m going to make you pay.”
White sighed. “Poor guy.”
“Poor guy? Poor guy’s got some issues,” Red whispered.
“Like you?” An audible smack clapped in Derpy’s ears. “Ow, Red!”
She felt like she could breath again after Brash had returned to the room. “Here you go, honey buns!” she exclaimed happily as she hoofed him a pair of washcloths.
The stallion blushed. “Honey, no sweetie names in front of our guest!”
Brash giggled. “Sorry, dear!” she said as she kissed her husband on the cheek before sitting down and digging into her food.
Trying not to show how nervous she was, Derpy jabbed the salad with her fork and took a big bite.
Those soft leaves crunched under each bite -- her chewing stopped. ‘It’s like I’m eating death.’ The smug grin on the stallion was a warning he would tell if she spit it out. “You like my wife’s salad? It’s filled with some good nutrients.”
Derpy almost disagree with puking right then and there. Her cheeks were ready to burst from how puffy they were. She looked at Brash with pleading eyes as a last resort, but Brash showed no remorse as she nodded for her to go on with that sick friendly grin.
The mailmare swallowed, shuddering as the food went down her throat. She exhaled, but puffed her cheeks as she almost vomited right then and there. She swallowed again and huffed. She rubbed her belly and smiled. “I’ma stop here and save the rest for later!”
The stallion, a tittering building up in his throat, took a sip of his drink before setting it down on the table. “Nonsense, enjoy it. You can take extra home,” he said as he put more salad into Derpy’s bowl.
Derpy’s eyes shot open in fear.
“Yep, he definitely has some issues!”
Brash giggled. “That’s a great idea!”
It was hard to not vomit right then and there, but years of speeding during runs proven helpful to holding the contents of her stomach down. “No, I think I’m good.”
Brash continued to be difficult as she levitated a huge wad of the tasteless leaves and moved it towards Derpy’s mouth. The way her eye twitched and how they never blinked unnerved Derpy. “Come on, just one bite.”
Derpy pictured her face turning green. It helped make dramatic how awful the salad was. “I think I ate enough, thanks.”
“Aww, we both know that’s a lie. I didn’t see you eat one bite!” Brash whined.
“Yeah Derpy, I didn’t even see you eat one either!” Red countered.
White groaned. “Red, shut up! Derpy, at least try one more bite. It’ll make her feel better.”
Three floating heads swarmed her vision. Red, Brash and the waiter all had frowns on their faces and eyebrows narrowed as they chanted, “Try some more, try some more, try some more!”
“Alright, I’m going to eat the salad!” Derpy shouted as she grabbed the bowl and started chomping into the leaves. She placed the bowl down, chewing as she stared angrily at the two. Her chewing slowed down in seconds as the tasteless leaves brushed against her tongue, rubbing its nasty taste for her to remember.
Derpy choked then coughed up what she had tried to swallow. “Ugh, I’m sorry! But I can’t eat this. I’m all for healthy food, but something’s wrong with this one. I’m sorry, Brash, but I can't…” Brash and the waiter had chewed up pieces of the salad glued to their faces. Some of the leaves didn’t quite stick and left a nasty trail of saliva as they slid off.
In the corner of her eye, White stared at the growling mare. “If you get up slowly, then you might…” Brash slammed her hooves on the table. “Never mind.”
“Let me show you why they banned me from wrestling!” Brash said as she launched herself at her.
Time slowed down as the mare flew over the table, hooves ready to wrap themselves around Derpy’s neck.
‘Wait… I’ve got something…’
“Aaaah!”
‘Something that’ll help me get out of this.’
“Aaaaah!”
I’m certainly winging this. I’m a real featherbrain when it comes to thinking. Jeez, I’m a real angel. Wow it’s like the answer flew over my head. I sure got a pair of—
“Aaaaah!”
Derpy’s senses snapped back to her when her body was lifted into the air. “Oh haha right!”
...by Brash’s strong forelegs. “I got wings.”
Red watched from the kitchen cabinet as Brash pinned Derpy to the ground on her stomach, holding her in a leg lock. Derpy’s neck held in a brown strong foreleg while her hind leg was held in Brash’s other foreleg, both being pulled on.
She swore Derpy’s neck was close to being torn off as the mare went at it. She was like an angry snake that had its victim held in a death grip.
It was exciting. Way better than the fake matches she saw.
She dug her hooves into the cereal box she had open and stuffed some into her mouth, bursting out laughing once in awhile when Derpy cried out to her mommy.
“Yeah, honey, give her one-to-three tap!” shouted the waiter. He jumped around them, cheering his wife on as she strangled Derpy’s foreleg.
“Ugh, what are your forelegs made out of!”
She turned to White who was staring at the floor. “Why aren’t you watching this amazing match with me? It’s way better than the fake stuff!”
She held her breath and then huffed. She looked at Red who for once, was all ears. “Do you ever think about wanting to go back?”
She waved a hoof as she scoffed. “Not in million years. We don’t have to listen to that pink headed jerk ever again!” A grin spread across her face. “Plus, I’m loving this pony's language! Our language was like it’s confused or something!”
“It’s not confused. It’s—”
“My leg, I think it tore off! C-c-can you stop for a second and check on my—aaaaah!”
Red slapped her hind leg as she burst out laughing. “Oh man, you can tell this isn’t scripted!” She stopped when White glared at her.
“You’re not taking anything I’m saying seriously! You never do. Not here, and not back at—”
White shut her mouth when pieces of salad sprayed her muzzle. Red opened her mouth and rubbed her tongue with her hooves as she spat. Red looked at her friend and starting chuckling. On a roll, she fell over and burst out laughing.
White groaned. She wiped the stuff from her face and walked off into the dark corners of the cabinet.
Everypony in the neighborhood could hear the shrieks of the mailmare. “Aaaaah! You seem so nice, but you’re really just messed up! Why do I deliver mail to you crazy ponies!”