“Where’d Discord go again?” Twilight Sparkle asked, glancing around the room while admiring the couple of dripping paintings and swirling walls surrounding her. She’d already had to remind herself twice not to put anything too close to Discord’s lime green couch. It had a horrible tendency of gobbling up anything it could grab with its tongue made out of blankets. “He’s already been gone for a while. Shouldn’t he have come back by now, Fluttershy?”
Sitting next to Twilight on the floor of Discord’s living room was Fluttershy. For six straight hours now, the three of them had been playing a rather heated game of Monopony that Twilight was sure was rigged. Fluttershy only owned two out of the four possible apple farms on the board and was still somehow in the lead; Twilight had suspicion Discord had been lending Fluttershy some of his own bits on the side so she wouldn’t become bankrupt anytime soon.
“I’m sure he’s still making us that tea he promised,” Fluttershy answered lightly, placing her silver game piece on the square she’d just rolled to. She grimaced. “Oh, dear. I seem to have landed on one of your Canterlot spaces—the one with the four hotels on it. I hope I have enough bits to pay you with. I’d just hate to have to lay off some of my farm ponies.”
While Twilight greedily watched as Fluttershy gathered the necessary plastic coins to fork over to her, she stood and stretched out her legs for a moment.
“You know,” Twilight began tentatively, “this is technically the first time I’ve ever been inside Discord’s house and so far all I’ve seen is this one room. You think he’d mind if I looked around a bit? Maybe see what’s keeping him so long? I’d hate to roll for him and have him go directly to Celestia’s dungeons without passing the sing-along and collecting two hundred bits.”
Fluttershy stopped counting for a moment to stare at Twilight—her pupils shrinking close to pinpricks. “I wouldn’t wander around in here, Twilight. Discord’s house changes around a lot and I always find it best if he’s close by should something bad happen. Like once, I told Discord I’d go get us some sodas from the kitchen…” She stopped so she could hitch in a breath.
“So what happened?”
“I got lost and never found the kitchen or the sodas!” Fluttershy whimpered out. “After that, I just felt like the worst houseguest ever. Here Discord was making us sandwiches and hot chocolate and I couldn’t even do one thing for him!”
In response, Twilight snorted a single time and patted her friend on the head. “I think you’re being a bit too hard on yourself, Fluttershy. Discord likes confusion and disorientation. I’m sure he loved the fact you got lost in his own home.” She flashed a small grin. “But this place doesn’t scare me. We’ve searched around a creepy castle at night for Celestia’s sake! So keep counting out the bits you owe me and I’ll be back before you can say ‘Hey, look. Twilight’s back!’”
“Oh… right… the game.”
Sadly, Fluttershy returned her attention back to the game and continued shoving her plastic coins in Twilight’s direction. When she finally ran out of currency, she flipped over her only two apple cards to put them back on the market. She whispered to them, “I’ll miss you, Sweet Apple Acres and Sweeter Apples Acres, but I failed you. You trusted me and I failed you. I hope you can forgive me, my little apple ponies.”
***
Twilight Sparkle didn’t have to search for long before coming across Discord again. One left turn down a hall. One right. One loop-de-loop on a slithering slide. One quizzical troll blocking a door that requested the meaning of life and whether or not the pants he wore made his battle axe look big. All rudimentary activities in the world of Twilight Sparkle, truthfully.
Then came the whispers.
“No one can know, I tell you. No one!”
Twilight stopped in the center of the hallway to listen.
“Is it secret? It has to be, right? I mean… I’m technically only talking to myself in here.”
A door to Twilight’s side stood ajar—a plaque on its front read: “CLOSET”.
“I hope no pony overhears this secret conversation. That would just be terrible. The fate-of-the-world type terrible! And that’s pretty terrible, if I do say so myself.”
Cautiously, Twilight nudged open the small door and parted a row of hangers loaded with dusty coats and scarves. What was on the other side made her blanch.
“Discord? What are you—” was as much as she got out.
Past the closet’s skim selection of clothes was a blackened pit the size of Twilight’s entire castle. In the dead center of the space stood Discord, illuminated by a harsh light from above. Before Twilight made herself known, Discord paced back and forth on the ground; next to a thin steel table with a white cloth covering something rather large and rather equine-like.
Seeing Twilight finally, Discord yelped and quickly jumped in front of the table to try and block it from view.
Twilight took another timid step inside the pitch black cavern. “Why were you talking to yourself in here? And, speaking of here, where is here exactly? It doesn’t seem like much of a closet.”
Crestfallen, Discord raised a paw up to his forehead. “Alas, sweet and smart Twilight, once again you have figured me out. This is my ‘secrets’ room: where only the very largest and darkest secrets are stored inside. This latest one…” He chewed on the tip of his tongue in anguish. “This latest secret I fear is too big even for me to properly comprehend. And yet it must be told! It just has to be! Even if it will change the very world that surrounds you after being revealed.”
Twilight furrowed her brows and took another step inside. “This secret involves me?”
Discord nodded sadly. “Yes, I’m afraid it does, Twilight. That is why I invited you over here to begin with. If only I had the courage to tell you already! It’s eating me up inside! It’s like a tummy ache times twelve! This secret is too big for me, Twilight! I simply must release it at once or explode on the spot!”
“Uh-huh.” Twilight gave a curt nod and spun back to the closet entrance. “I’ll be checking on Fluttershy now. Come join us when you’re done in here.”
“But… but…” Discord painfully fell to his knees and scuttled towards her. “You don’t want to hear the secret? The largest secret in all of Equestrian history?”
She informed him dourly, “If you told me it like a regular pony would have, then I might’ve believed you. But going through this much trouble, Discord? Clearly, you’re full of sh—”
“Secrets, yes,” Discord cut in coolly. “If you will not stay to listen, Twilight, then I must say it right now—right this instant before it becomes too late! Twilight Sparkle… the truth is…” He took the time to stare deep into her eyes, as a single tear rolled down his sunken cheeks and dropped to the floor. “The truth is… that I am your true biological father.”
That caused Twilight to growl deep within her throat. “This is why we don’t spend much time together, Discord! Why does everything need to be so mischievous with you? Why is Fluttershy the only one that gets the ‘nice’ Discord, but everyone else gets whatever this is supposed to be?”
Discord remained on his knees and extended both arms towards her.
“What are you doing?” Twilight asked.
“Your father wants a hug. Come on, Twilight. Bring it on in. We have a lot to catch up on, little miss Sparkle. I still need to teach you how to tie a tie and bow a bow. Unhook a bra if we have time.”
Twilight shook her head. “You are not my father, Discord. Night Light is. It should be rather obvious that he’s my real father.”
“Really, Twilight? Think about it for a second.” Discord raised a bushy brow as he spoke. “Two ordinary unicorns bringing such a talented alicorn as yourself into the world? Sure, maybe those two could’ve made a ‘Shining Armor’ type of pony, but a Princess that goes around saving the world? That can harness magic unlike anyone else in existence? Sounds like you might be more draconequus than you know.” He used his eagle claw to snap himself a wool sweater and corncob pipe to stick in his jaw. “Come on over, sweetheart. Let daddy Discord tell you all about the night you were conceived. All fourteen seconds.”
“Uh-huh,” was all Twilight answered with, as she back trotted towards the exit.
“Wait! Wait!” Discord wailed, causing her to face him again. He smiled at her warmly. “You passed the test, Twilight. I knew you would. ‘Daddy Discord’? Bah! You saw right through my old tricks right away, didn’t you? So sweet and so smart. You do your mother proud.”
Twilight gagged on the spot. “Mother? So you suddenly went from being my father to being my mother? That secret’s even worse than the first one.”
“Haven’t you ever wondered why we look so much alike?” Discord asked playfully. “Wings and a horn? And let’s not go forgetting about those slender frames of ours.”
“Nope. Not working, Discord,” Twilight informed him bluntly.
“Fine.” Discord happily held up two claws to her. “So far you’re two for two, Twilight. You have now successfully passed my two tests. Now only the largest secret in Equestria remains.” He took in a shuddery breath to steel himself. “The truth is that I am actually your favorite uncle on your mother’s side.”
“What else you got?” Twilight shot back.
Discord shrugged. “Your father’s cousin’s former roommate?”
Twilight had to think on that one. “Believable, but completely irrelevant. If you’re going to keep on doing this, Discord, could I at least get a hard apple cider or something? It might help me actually believe your terrible secrets more.”
Rising to his feet again, Discord turned to the side and struck a dramatic pose. “And yet she still does not understand. Then I must simply make her understand!”
Discord lowered his head and strolled to the steel table. Delicately, he gripped the edges of the cloth that covered the object below it. “Underneath this lays the largest secret in existence, Twilight Sparkle. Are you ready to learn of it? If you can even properly handle it, that is?”
Begrudgingly, Twilight went to stand next to the table. “You do realize this’ll be the last time I pay you a visit, right?”
Discord pursed his lips at her. “Fine. Those lemon squares you brought were more tart than sweet anyways. But, alas, that is not what brings us here today, Twilight Sparkle. Prepare your brain for maximum ‘whoa!’ For nothing will ever be the same after this truth is revealed.” He eyed her up for a moment. “Are you prepared? Did you properly prepare your brain, Twilight? I don’t want it shooting out the back of your skull and having to clean it up afterwards.”
Twilight stared at him deadpan. “It’s as prepared as it’s gonna be, Discord. Now get on with it already.”
“Fine.” In one quick motion, Discord ripped away the cloth he was holding—the object on the table ending up being a completely motionless Princess Celestia. Even her normally flowing mane didn’t waver an inch on the cold hard steel.
Suddenly, it felt as if Twilight had been hit with a bolt of electricity as her wings shot out to her sides and her horn began to charge. “Celestia! What did you do to her? Answer me right this—”
In a snap, Discord teleported to the other side of the table to press Twilight’s lips shut with his fingers. “Shush. Let me explain, Twilight. Don’t go shooting off your horn or anything.”
Twilight pulled away from him to wipe at her mouth. “You have ten seconds to explain, Discord!”
“You see, Twilight,” Discord started, holding an arm out to the prone princess. “The truth is Celestia isn’t real. She’s never been real.”
Twilight frowned as hard as her face would go. “I think this one’s even worse than the mother one. Of course Celestia’s real! She practically runs all of Equestria for her own sake!”
“But what if someone merely created Celestia?” Discord asked her eerily. “To act as a puppet for their own amusement? Yes, a rather heavy puppet, but a puppet all the same.”
Lifting both hands into the air, Discord began twirling his individual fingers around. As he did, the motionless Celestia on the table sprung to life and climbed down to give Twilight a jerky bow. As Discord spoke, so did Celestia in her own natural voice.
“My dearest Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia greeted her student, “I have nothing going on Friday night. Friendship lesson and chill? If not, that’s cool too. I’m thinking of making spinach dip for the occasion.”
Twilight original irritation was swiftly replaced with a solid block of ice to her gut. She tried to think rationally. “That’s nothing more than an illusion, Discord. There’s just no way you could have made up Celestia and not have been discovered yet. Plus: why even bother!? Most ponies think you hate Celestia!”
“Hate Celestia?” Discord giggled richly, as he made his Celestia-puppet do a couple of cartwheels around the darkened room. “Why, I don’t think you understand me at all, Twilight. I both love and hate Celestia! How boring would life be without her? Without ponies like Celestia, I’d just end up controlling everything! And you know how dull that would be? Complete and utter ownership over all of Equestria?”
Twilight rammed a hoof to her forehead. “But if Celestia is a puppet that you control, doesn’t that technically mean that you control everything anyways?”
Discord paused so he could scratch at his chin. The Celestia-puppet echoed the movement. “Let’s not get bogged down with specifics, okay? The truth is: millennia ago, I invented Princess Celestia for the sole purpose of having someone to annoy for the rest of my days. Celestia would then gain friends that I could also annoy before finally teaching an up-and-coming student about the joys of friendship that I could annoy forever and ever and ever.” He pointed a sharp finger at her. “That student being you, Twilight Sparkle. Feeling annoyed yet?”
Sighing, Twilight used one of her hooves to rub at her belly. “Actually, I feel more sick than annoyed. This latest ‘secret’ of yours has more holes in it than Queen Chrysalis. Absolutely nothing about this makes sense. Like nothing whatsoever.”
Discord turned away from her to stare into the abyss. “I must admit, I’ve never been very good at making sense.” From the sea of darkness came a rimshot that only made Twilight’s stomach pain her worse than before.
“Are we done here? Can I go now?” Twilight nearly pleaded with him. “I’m sure Fluttershy worried sick about us and—”
“Does that mean you still don’t believe me?” Discord asked her anxiously.
“Not for a single second.”
“Then it seems you have passed the final test, Princess,” Discord muttered out, before his entire body collapsed to the ground in a long, flat heap.
Gingerly, Twilight used a hoof to poke at the deflated Discord corpse with. Perhaps she should’ve felt a little bad for causing him to literally pop and come undone, but… well, she didn’t.
“I’ll just be going now,” she muttered out, before heading back to the closet entrance.
“The truth is…” Celestia suddenly spoke from behind her, “that I created Discord so that he could pretend to create me in turn.”
Instead of turning around to face her mentor or act surprised in the slightest, Twilight chose to rather sit on the cold stone floor and prop her head up with a hoof. She said more to herself, “Are you only doing this to me because I forgot your birthday last month?”
Celestia crossed the room to stand before Twilight proudly. “Do you not understand what this means, Twilight? Discord isn’t real. He has never been real. Luna and I created him in order to prove to Equestria that we truly deserved to rule over it by being able to defeat him time and again. Having Discord under our control also allowed us to challenge and test you without actually putting you in harm’s way. I must say, I think you and your friends have learned a lot since Discord’s creation.”
Twilight exhaled bitterly. “Your so-called ‘secrets’ are just getting worse and worse, Discord. This one makes the least amount of plausible sense so far. Is ‘Discord’ just another puppet on strings somehow?”
That caused Celestia to chuckle. “Oh, silly Twilight. Of course not. It is far more complicated than that. My sister and I have a Discord costume that we don whenever we need him around. We take turns performing as Discord and it’s actually rather fun. Haven’t you ever wondered why you rarely see Discord, Luna, and myself in the same room together?”
“Can we please hurry this along and skip to the next big life-changing secret?” Twilight asked irritably. “I’m supposed to be meeting my parents for dinner tonight.” She had to shut her eyes and grimace before she added, “And not my ‘Discord’ parents—my real parents. You know… the ones that actually gave birth to me.”
“Fine,” Celestia declared. “You always were too smart for your own good. The truth is…” Celestia reached behind her back to pull at a hidden zipper, revealing the secret pony underneath. “I am Twilight Sparkle!”
Hidden below the Celestia suit was another purple alicorn that appeared near identical to Twilight—only a good two feet taller with a flowing, glittering mane and tail.
Grinding her teeth in rage, Twilight jumped to her hooves and rushed over to the adult Twilight Sparkle. She pressed a hard hoof into her chest. “Listen here, Discord! I’ve had enough of—” Twilight paused long enough to rub her hoof around the older Twilight’s chest. She even took a quick glance at her double’s slim mid-section and flank. “Wow. I look pretty good in a few years time,” she admitted quietly, before her original fervor took complete control of her again. “But that doesn’t matter because I am sick of all these stupid secrets! None of them are real or even close to it!”
Delicately, the older Twilight flicked a bit of mane out from her eyes. “So you don’t believe you traveled back to the past to create both your mentor and your greatest foe?”
“Not one bit,” Twilight answered, poking her double’s stomach a few more times for good measure.
“Twilight… the truth is…”
“Stop saying that!” Twilight screamed. “None of this is the truth!”
The older Twilight sighed and hung her head lowly. “The truth is that none of us are real, Twilight. Not a single pony in Equestria. We are all simply characters in a story—only existing in the realm known as imagination to play our parts correctly and read our lines.”
Twilight stomped a hoof. “I refuse to believe someone would actually take the time to write a story so horrifically dense. You and I have to be real! There’s just no other way around it! What are you going to tell me next? Hmm? That I’m secretly a banana and have always been a banana?”
The Twilight double smiled at her warmly. “Finally, she accepts who she is. Yes, Twilight Sparkle. You are a banana.” Pulling at another hidden zipper, the second Twilight threw off her tight costume and once again stepped out as Discord. “Perhaps it’s time you finally came to terms with your fruity heritage. The truth is… all alicorns start out as fruit before they ascend to greatness. Luna used to be a blueberry; Celestia a coconut; Cadence started off as a grapefruit.”
Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “You realize that once I leave here today, I won’t ever be talking to you again, right?”
Discord pondered on that. “Worth it. But doesn’t it make sense, though? Think about it. How many ponies like bananas and also happen to like you? No pony hates bananas! They’re yummy and good for you! Haven’t you ever wondered why you rarely get sick? Because you’re full of potassium, Twilight! Fit to burst with nutritious potassium goodness!”
Twilight held a hoof out to him. “First off: I’m not a banana. Second: bananas don’t actually have all that much potassium to begin with. Potatoes, carrots, and milk all have more. At least get some of your facts straight before you start!”
“Only a true banana Princess would know so many facts about bananas,” Discord replied, before he began nibbling on the side of his hand. He exhaled gravely. “Again, you just had to see right through my lies, hadn’t you? All this time, I’ve only been trying to protect you from the truth—hopeful that you’d accept one of these lesser truths and simply call it a day. How stupid of me. How naïve! You’ve known all along, haven’t you? That you were always much different from everyone else.”
“Fluttershy was right,” Twilight mused to herself, “I never should’ve gone exploring on my own.”
“On your back, Twilight, you’ll find a zipper,” Discord continued to explain. “Simply pull on it to learn the shocking truth, because the truth is…”
Without much enthusiasm, Twilight did as she was bid and was surprised to find an actual zipper attached to her coat. Giving it a small tug, she quickly rose six feet into the air and balanced herself out on two feet only.
That wasn’t the only thing that had inexplicably changed. Once again, Discord had become another version of Twilight—this time an exact mirror copy of her.
“You are Discord,” Discord told Twilight stoically, even holding up a helpful mirror to show her that she was, in fact, Discord at the moment. “You’ve always been Discord, Twilight. And I’ve always been Twilight Sparkle. Ever since—”
“All right. Works for me,” Twilight cut in, bringing her new claws up to hold in front of her face. “How do these work again? Something I need to know besides the snapping part?”
Discord—currently as Twilight Sparkle—gulped dryly. “You… believe this? Really? Don’t have any more questions to ask, perhaps?”
Twilight shook her new draconequus head and snapped her claws to make it rain gummy history books down from the ceiling. “Nope. I think I got this figured out.” She faked a gasp. “What a total shock this was, eh? I was Discord this whole time? Makes about as much sense as the rest of your secrets today.”
“Umm…” Discord helplessly watched as Twilight marched across the room and out the closet door. “Wait! But this wasn’t the big secret! The real truth is I can’t read! I couldn’t read the label on the door and thought this closet was the bathroom and now I’m afraid to come out of the closet!”
While storming out, Twilight snapped her claws again and two tons of chocolate pudding came flooding inside the room, burying Discord entirely. He had to use all four of his new hooves to swim back to the surface.
“Twilight!” he shrieked. “Give me back my body right this instant! This isn’t how my pranks are supposed to work and you know it!”
***
“More potatoes, dear?” Twilight Velvet asked her daughter at the dinner table.
Again, Twilight snapped her new claws to make the potato bowl spring to life and dance towards her. “Thanks, mom. These are really good.” She chewed on her food pleasantly—her head almost clipping the chandelier hanging above them.
“So…” Night Light began awkwardly, “the truth is that you’re Discord now, Twilight? Is that what I’m supposed to understand? Not that there’s anything wrong with being a draconequus, I’m only trying to make sense out of all this.”
Twilight waved her lion paw in the air. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, dad. It was only some ‘big secret’ that I never knew about until today.”
Twilight Velvet anxiously tapped her hooves together. “Umm… you do realize Twilight Sparkle is still standing outside our window, right? Should we let her in? She does look rather cold and wet. Miserable, too.”
Rolling her eyes, Twilight turned to the dining room window again to find Discord stuck outside in the harsh rain and wind. Twilight snapped her claws again to make it rain down even harder on him.
With a hoof, Discord timidly knocked on the glass. “But I don’t wanna be Twilight Sparkle anymore! I haven’t figured out your horn yet and everyone keeps bothering me with friendship problems. Spike’s annoying too. He keeps on cleaning up all my chaos. I want trade backs, Twilight!”
Night Light pointed towards Discord. “So that’s actually not our daughter? That’s actually Discord now?”
“Yes,” Twilight replied. “And did you ever know that Twilight Sparkle was half-banana?”
That got Night Light chuckling. “By this point, I think I’d believe anything. Any word on how Flash Sentry is handling your sudden… Discord-like appearance?”
Twilight popped another boiled potato between her jaws. “Yeah, we broke up. The truth is he’s seeing Discord now. I don’t even think Discord realizes that yet.”
“Discord who is now Twilight Sparkle,” Night Light clarified.
“This is confusing,” Twilight Velvet admitted. “Anyone up for dessert?”
Twilight raised both hands at once.
It seemed she had an insatiable craving for sweets all of a sudden.