“SUPER SLAM!” yelled John Cena as he jumped down from the cords onto his dazed opponent. But suddenly, as he fell through the air, a portal opened up and he fell through. He awoke in a strange place, opening his eyes to find himself in a strange village. But even stranger, all around him were multi-coloured horses. One walked over to him.
“Hello sir! I’m Twilight Sparkle! I’m glad you’re here!”. John Cena stared at the creature before him.
“Where am I?”, he asked. “What is this place?”
“This is Ponyville.”, Twilight replied. “There’s an emergency, and we needed the help of a great warrior, so we summoned you. Legend tells of the mighty leader of the Cenation, a fearsome warrior who can defeat any challenge.” Cena picked himself from the ground.
“Very well, I shall help you, as long as you can send me back to the ring afterwards. What is it you need?”
“A power-mad unicorn by the name of Starlight Glimmer has returned and created a time loop where my friends and I never got our cutie marks, and it’s caused chaos! We need you to defeat Starlight Glimmer before she can do any more damage!” Cena simply nodded and strode off, already knowing exactly where his target was through his champion-tier instincts.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Cena strode towards a cave in the middle of the wilderness- but this cave was in fact the hideout of the evil Starlight Glimmer. As he entered a voice rang out.
“So the warrior approaches! And what a warrior he is! A man who only knows how to win staged matches!” Closing his eyes for a moment, Cena murmured to himself.
“Rise above the Hate", he said, before walking on into the cave. As he entered, he saw a pink unicorn standing some distance away with a scroll hovering in the air – and a moment later a blast of energy sprouted from her horn, racing right towards him. But as the blast hit Cena’s bare chest, it simply deflected off and hit the ground harmlessly, a true Champion being untouchable. “Your time is up, unicorn!” he declared. I have been summoned to defeat you and restore peace to this land.
“Well well well”, Starlight replied. “I see my combat magic has no effect on you. But if you want to take me down, you’ll have to catch me first!” And with that, a burst of magic came from her horn as the scroll nearby lit up and a giant vortex opened up just above them. She quickly used her magic to levitate herself through it- and seeing his quarry escape, Cena paused to gather his strength before making a giant leap all the way up to the ceiling, passing through the vortex.
But as he looked around him, he was shocked by his surroundings. He found himself in a field- and standing just a short distance away were all eight members of the Nexus, the evil organisation that had feuded with him in 2010. But all of them looked just as they had then. Floating above them, Starlight Glimmer shouted.
“I expected Twilight Sparkle would call on you, so I went back in time and made a deal with these boys. They’ll take care of you- and I’ll have a front row seat!” Cena knew full well that for all his skills, he couldn’t take on eight men at once- but valuing loyalty, he decided that he wouldn’t betray Twilight Sparkle’s trust by running.
“NEVER GIVE UP!” he yelled, to no one in particular, and charged his opponents. He fought well, delivering a bodyslam to David Otunga that took him out of the fight and knocking out Wade Barret with a well placed punch- but after a minute of combat, he was stunned by a lucky hit and the rest piled on top of him. Starlight laughed.
“So even the famed leader of the Cenation can be broken. Now submit, so that I can claim Equestria for myself!” Cena gritted his teeth. To submit would be to betray Equestria to this villain- but pinned and with no hope of escape, he had no choice. Closing his eyes in shame, he raised his hand and prepared to tap out…
…but suddenly, a calm voice interrupted.
“Now, now” it said. “Don’t get in too big a hurry.” Straining his neck to look up, Cena saw across the field a man with permed hair standing with an easel next to him.
“Who in Equestria are you?” rang out Starlight’s voice.
“Hello, I’m Bob Ross, and I’d like to welcome you to our world” came the calm reply.
“Enough interruptions!” shouted Starlight. “Two of you deal with this fool!” As two of the wrestlers climbed off Cena and advanced towards Ross, the painter frowned.
“You see,” he said. “This is our world. If you just believe, you can do anything. You have unlimited power.” Picking up a paintbrush and dipping it in his Sap Green paint, he turned to his easel and made a simple stroke on the canvas- and as he did, a massive tree rose from the ground right beneath the two wrestlers, catapulting them into the air and knocking them unconscious. “Now,” the painter said. “Time to get you out of that little mess.” Turning back to his easel, he made some more strokes before chipping away at his canvas with his pallete knife. Suddenly, all of them were transported to the top of a mountain- and in their shock, the remaining six wrestlers tumbled off Cena, who quickly rose to his feet. “Now”, said the painter. “Just beat the devil out of them.” And Cena did, six men being far from enough to take him on. Shocked at the turnaround, Starlight Glimmer finally broke out of her trance.
“You may have won this battle, but I will be back!” she cried, opening up another vortex above her. But Ross simply smiled.
“What if we just add a happy little tree right here?” he said, making some more brushstrokes- and in an instant a tree erupted from the mountainside, smashing into Starlight and knocking her away from the vortex as it closed.
“You foals!” she shouted. “You think trees can stop me?” Quickly levitating herself high in the air, she opened up another vortex in the clouds. For the first time, Ross frowned.
“Listen, Champ.” He said. “This one’s down to you. Just remember, there are no limits here. Believe that you can do it- cause you can do it.” Cena understood. Gathering his strength, he murmured to himself.
“Hustle”. Crouching down, he said out loud “Loyalty”. And putting all his energy into one mighty leap, he screamed at the top of his lunges. “RESPECT!” Looking down as she floated towards the vortex, Starlight suddenly saw Cena hurtling towards her through the air, but before she could react, he was upon her, grabbing her tight and turning downwards, Starlight between him and the ground below. “Cena Slam!” he cried while Starlight squirmed to get free- but his iron grip was too tight, and after mere moments the two met the ground, Starlight being knocked unconscious in an instant by the slam while Cena was left unscathed. Quickly slinging her over his shoulder, he walked over to Ross. “Thanks for the help”, he told the man. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you.”
“It was a pleasure”, Ross replied. “Just remember, every day’s a good day when you paint.” And turning back to his canvas, he painted a portal back to Ponyville which Cena stepped through.
“Miss Sparkle! I have returned!” proclaimed Cena.
“Thank you so much, great warrior!” the pony replied. “You have saved us all! How can we ever repay you?”
“Fear not”, Cena replied. “All I wish is to be sent back to my home. Besides, I had some help.” And as the ponies around him cheered, Cena stepped back through another portal to the ring- arriving just in time to finish the match with a Five Knuckle Shuffle.