One summer’s day not so long ago, WWE Champ John Cena was reclining in his favourite chair and reflecting on his recent adventure in Equestria in which he and Bob Ross had saved the land from the evil Starlight Glimmer. Suddenly, a scroll appeared in the air above him. Using his expert reflexes Cena snatched it out of the air and unrolled it in the space of half a second, beginning to read.
“To the mighty leader of the Cenation”, it began:
“I apologise for contacting you again so soon, but crisis has come to Equestria again. A great evil has returned, and we cannot hope to defeat it alone. Our very existence is in peril, and we must ask your help once again. Please, aid us. Yours sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.” Finishing the letter, Cena looked up to see that a portal had opened up in front of him- and with another glance at the scroll, he resolved that he would once again aid the ponies, standing and striding purposefully into the portal.
As he emerged into Equestria for the second time, Cena looked around to see Twilight Sparkle galloping towards him. “Sir Cena!” she panted, as she came to a halt before him. “We need your help!”
“Slow down there, little lady”, Cena replied with a smile. “I got your message. How can I help?”
“A terrifying monster named Tirek has escaped his imprisonment in the realm of Tartarus and is threatening of all of Equestria! Last time we barely managed to stop him, but this time….” Twilight paused for breath, gathering her thoughts. “We don’t know how, but he’s escaped again. Three days ago he suddenly appeared in the Crystal Empire and- and we lost all contact just hours later. My brother and sister-in-law are responsible for protecting the Empire, but they were visiting Canterlot when he appeared. Tirek gains his power by draining the magic from ponies, and- well, there are a lot of ponies in the Empire. If he’s taken over then he’ll have gained enough power to threaten all of Equestria!”
“I see”, said Cena calmly. “If this Tirek gets his power from ponies, I think we can assume he’ll go after other settlements. Have you evacuated nearby settlements?” Twilight nodded.
“Yes, Celestia sent out Royal Guard units to warn everypony as soon as the news got here. None of them have gone near the Empire itself though, it’s far too dangerous. Last time Tirek escaped Discord was able to track his movements, but this time…. He seems to have found some way to mask his traces, and we have no idea where he is. Celestia’s decided that Discord as well as my friends and I need to stay at Canterlot in case he attacks, but as long as we’re all there we can’t do anything to stop his rampage. We need you to help us again. Please, Sir Cena, you must find and defeat Tirek!”
“Princess, I understand your plight and will do I all I can to defeat this fiend”, Cena replied, “but if this Tirek is as powerful as you claim I cannot face him alone.” Pulling out his mobile phone, he quickly dialled a number and turned away, speaking in hushed tones as Twilight looked on. After just under a minute he put away the phone and turned back. “He should be here any minute”, he told her.
“If I might ask…”, Twilight asked hesitantly, “Who exactly did you-” but before she could finish her question, a painted oak door suddenly appeared just metres away from them. Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I’ve never seen magic like that before!” she exclaimed. “How did you-” Cena simply smiled at her in reply as the door slowly swung open and a man walked out. He had permed hair, and carried an easel and a palette under his arms. “Glad you could make it, Ross” said Cena, smiling. “As I said, there’s a bit of a situation here.”
“Well, champ” came Bob Ross’s calm reply. “This Tirek fellow sounds like a nasty bit of business. We’d better sort him out before anyone gets hurt.” He turned to Twilight, staring at him dumbfounded. “Miss Sparkle, correct? I’m Bob Ross, and I gave the champ here a bit of a hand the last time he was here.”
“That he certainly did”, chuckled Cena. “I was in a pretty sticky situation until he showed up.”
“So you are another great warrior?” asked Twilight. “It’s an honour to meet you, Sir Ross.”
“Please, just Bob will be fine” said Ross. “Now, if this fellow’s hiding out, we’ll need some idea of his exact location. Is there anyone who might know?”
“Yes, there is somepony, a new friend of mine” Twilight replied. “And I need you to help with her as well. The thing is, though… it’s Starlight Glimmer.”
“Starlight Glimmer? A new friend?” Cena frowned. “But we defeated her! Do you mean to say she’s turned good?”
“Well, it’s complicated, but essentially….” Twilight’s voice trailed off. “It’s probably easier if you ask her yourself. I can assure you she’s on our side though. Tirek’s evil is on a far greater scale than hers ever was.” Cena nodded in reply.
“I understand. That kind of thing happens all the time in the ring, anyway. Where can we find her?”
“When we heard the news about Tirek, she ran off- saying something about needing to “warn them”. We’ve got no idea what she meant though, and none of the royal guards Celestia sent out have reported finding her. I- well, I’m worried about her. She’s powerful, but if Tirek’s found her….” Ross’s brow furrowed.
“From what I remember, this Starlight wasn’t the type to rush into action without a plan. If she ran off, there must have been a good reason for it. Miss Sparkle, is there anywhere she might have known about that your royal guards wouldn’t? Maybe some small community, or a family, living somewhere that isn’t marked on the map? When I lived in Alaska there were lots of places like that.”
“The official maps were last updated two years ago and they cover every significant dwelling, so there can’t be too many places, unless….” Twilight suddenly put her hoof to her face. “Of course! Her old village! How could I have forgotten?” She looked back at Cena and Ross. “When I first met her, it was at a village she’d set up. She was… well, suffice to say she was running it with an iron hoof, and the ponies there decided to stay even after we defeated her. We never properly added it to our registries of settlements….” she shook her head, and her voice began to rise. “I can’t believe I’d make such a huge mistake! It’s not that far from the Empire- Starlight must have realised, and gone to warn everypony there.... With everywhere else north of Canterlot evacuated, they’re all closer to Tirek than anypony else!” Catching herself, she slowed down. “Sir Cena, Sir Ross, one way or another you need to get to that village. If Tirek’s moving out of the Crystal Empire, it’ll be his first target, and if not then Starlight should be able to help you find his exact location. I can arrange a train to get you near it, then it’s about an hour’s trot. It’s coming up to midday now- you should be able to get there by the evening.” Cena nodded.
“Then we’d better not waste any time. Ross, you coming?”
“Of course, champ”, came Ross’s reply. “Let’s go sort this mess out.” And with that, the two men strode towards the nearby train station to save Equestria once again.
Four hours later, Cena and Ross crested a mountain to find themselves looking down on a strangely laid out village. Two parallel rows of almost identical houses stood facing each other with a single more elaborate construction at the end of the main road between them.
“This must be the place”, Ross remarked to Cena.
“Looks that way”, Cena replied. Suddenly, he pointed down at the main road, where a crowd of ponies had gathered. “Ross, look there! Isn’t that Miss Glimmer down there? ” Ross nodded.
“It is, and the rest of them don’t look happy to see her. We’d better hurry.”
As the two men hurried down the mountain towards the village, Starlight found herself face to face with an angry mob. With the Royal Guard requisitioning the only train in Equestria and teleporting too dangerous with Tirek’s exact location unknown she’d had to go all the way to her old village on hoof, but even after three days travelling she hadn’t decided what she’d say to all the ponies she’d treated so badly. Her mind blank, she opened her mouth to speak-
“It’s HER!” came a voice from the crowd, and Starlight recognised Night Glider, her face curled into a snarl. “She’s back to try and enslave us again!” Starlight put on a nervous smile.
“N-no, everypony, it’s not like that! I-”
“You think that after everything you did you can just come back and take over again?” came the voice of Double Diamond. “We’ve built our own community here and we won’t let you destroy it!”
“No!” Starlight shouted, “Listen to me, everypony! I came to warn you! The evil Tirek has escaped from his imprisonment and attacked the Crystal Empire! I’m sure he’ll target this village next!” At her words, a murmur went through the crowd.
“Tirek?” came a young mare’s scared voice. “That monster?”
“So you want us all to leave, is that it?” retorted Night Glider. “We all clear out so you can take over and trick more ponies just like you tricked us? You think we’re stupid enough to fall for that?”
“No, I- I just want to help-” Starlight stuttered in reply.
“I think we should teach her a lesson!” came a shout from the crowd.
“Yeah!” came another voice. “Let’s show her she can’t push us around anymore!” Starlight’s eyes went wide as the mob surged forward towards her, and she quickly backed away. Even with her immense magical skills she could hardly take on such a huge crowd of ponies, especially ones she’d treated so badly in the past. As the crowd heaved towards her she moved to turn and run- but suddenly, she felt a hand on her back and the mob skidded to a halt. Shocked, she turned her head to see none other than John Cena standing next to her with a man she recognised as his partner in their battle off to the side.
“I think we should all just calm down a little” Cena said to the crowd of ponies. “Miss Glimmer here’s telling the truth. This Tirek creature’s attacked your Crystal Empire, and this is the only place north of Canterlot that hasn’t been evacuated. We need all of you to get out of here while we deal with him.”
“Tirek’s really back?” came the scared voice of Sugar Belle. “But, how? I thought Princess Twilight Sparkle defeated him?”
“That’s what we mean to find out”, Cena replied. “Our job is to take him down and make sure he doesn’t come back again.”
“There’s a train about an hour from here ready to take you all to Canterlot”, said Ross. “Take your most valuable belongings and head south as quickly as you can. Now don’t you worry, you’ll be able to come back here as soon as we’ve taken care of things.” As he spoke, Night Glider’s face took on a glazed expression.
“So it’s true, huh?” she muttered. Shaking her head, she turned to look at them. “Starlight, I’m sorry. When I saw you I just thought-”
“No, it’s alright.” Starlight looked down at the floor. “I wish I’d never done any of it…”
“Enough chatter!” Cena said, raising his voice. “Wherever Tirek is now, you’re all in danger as long as you’re here. Move out, now!” At the sound of the champ’s voice, the inhabitants of the village quickly rushed to obey, scurrying into their homes to get their valuables. Starlight turned to Cena.
“I- I don’t believe it. I thought they were going to…. Thank you so much!” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I- I’m sorry for what happened the last time we met. I’ve changed, I promise!”
“Miss Glimmer”, Cena replied. “From what I’ve seen and heard, you’re a better pony than when we last met, but I need to hear it from your own lips. Can we trust you?”
“Of course!” exclaimed Starlight. “I’m reformed now! I tried to break time and Twilight stopped me and we all sang a song!” Ross chuckled.
“Well champ, it makes about as much sense as anything else in this world. I think we can trust her.”
“I agree” said Cena, giving Starlight a hard slap on the back. “Now then, Tirek. Do you have any idea where exactly he is?”
“Yes! He’s absorbed so much magical energy that I can pinpoint his general location with a simple spell. I used it on the way here, and I worked out that he’s definitely moved out of the Crystal Empire. Give me a moment!” Starlight’s horn lit up with a blue glow as she closed her eyes- but after just seconds, she opened them wide again. “No! How can he be- he’s almost here!” Cena raised his eyebrow.
“That doesn’t sound good.” He quickly turned to face the rows of houses. “EVERYONE OUT! WE’VE GOT INCOMING!” he shouted at the top of his lungs- and as the ponies rushed back outside, a rhythmic crashing in the distance became audible. “I’m guessing that’s him. He must be bigger than I’d thought.” He turned to Starlight. “Miss Glimmer, I need you to get all these ponies safely to the train. We’ll handle this monster.”
“But I can help too!” Starlight replied. “Tirek’s power is far beyond anything I’ve ever encountered- even the two of you can’t hope to match him alone! I can-” Cena shook his head.
“It’s too dangerous, Miss Glimmer. Princess Sparkle tasked me with making sure you were safe, and that’s exactly what I plan to do. Now get these ponies to the train!” Starlight opened her mouth as if to argue, but seeing the champs determined expression changed her mind and hurried to the rest of the ponies. Cena turned to Ross. “You ready, Ross?” he asked.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Ross replied, picking up his easel and palette. “Let’s go beat the devil out of him.” And with that, the two men turned and strode towards the sound of Tirek’s approach.
Moving fast, just minutes later they crested the hills surrounding the village- and in the distance, stomping towards them at a speed that seemed impossible for a creature of such size, they at last saw their enemy. Standing thirty metres tall with two bulging arms and curved horns atop his head, Tirek turned his head as the two men entered his field of view before breaking into what amounted to a sprint towards them. As he did, Cena and Ross sped up to meet him.
“Who, exactly, are you?” boomed Tirek as they neared each other and slowed to a halt. “You strange creatures dare stand in the way of Lord Tirek?”
“I’m John Cena, and he’s Bob Ross” said Cena. “And we’re here to stop you before you can hurt anyone else.” Tirek rolled back his head and laughed.
“So the Princesses fear me so little that they send little monkeys like you to stop me? The Crystal Empire alone has given me enough power to storm Canterlot itself! Even if you buy this insignificant herd of weaklings the time to escape, once I crush the two of you nothing will stand in my way!”
“If you think we’ll let you do that, you’ve got another think coming” said Ross quietly. “This world belongs to the pony folk, not to you. It’s a happy little place, and we won’t let you destroy it.”
“Is that so?” Tirek laughed. “We’ll see about that.” Rearing back, he conjured a ball of pure energy between his twin horns and hurled it towards them- but anticipating his move, Cena leaped forward and caught it mid-air before hurling it off to the side where it exploded harmlessly. As Tirek’s smirk turned into a frown, Ross turned to his easel and made a series of brushstrokes with sap green paint- and as he did, a tight ring of trees sprouted all around Tirek, shooting up at an angle to meet directly above the monster and enclose him completely.
“You think that did it?” shouted Cena. Ross shook his head.
“Doubt it, champ.” Sure enough, the two men heard a mighty roar from inside the tree cluster and after another moment a huge explosion blasted the front of the trap into ashes, Tirek leaping out of the smoke directly at Ross and his easel. Seeing his partner in danger, Cena leaped into action.
“Cena slam!” he cried, smashing into Tirek’s side to send the beast crashing to the ground and pinning him in place. Twisting his head Tirek snarled and stunned Cena with a mighty blow from one of his arms, disabling him long enough for Tirek to throw him off and climb back up. Recovering quickly, Cena turned to see both of Tirek’s fists flying towards him- but just in time, the wrestler managed to extend his own arms and catch both mid-air to lock up with the beast. “Ross!” he shouted. “A little help?”
“Coming right up, champ.” Ross replied as he turned back to his easel. “Let’s see here. I think some happy little mountains should do the trick.” He made some quick brushstrokes before pulling out his palette knife and quickly using it to scrape away some of the paint on his canvas- and as he did, mountains sprouted from all around Tirek. “Champ! Get back!” Ross said with a raised voice- and hearing him, Cena managed to break away from Tirek’s grip, jumping back as the mountains rose all around the monster and enclosed him completely for a second time. Wiping his brow, Cena turned and jogged back to re-join Ross. “I think that should put him out of action for a bit.” Ross noted.
“Sure looks that way!” Cena laughed. “I just wish you’d done that the first time though, instead of the trees. I was starting to get worried up there.” Ross smiled back.
“Trees always come first in my line of work, champ. Now, he might be out of it for now but he needs to be back in his prison where he belongs. I think we need to get a message back to Miss Sparkle. I’m sure she’ll know what to do.” Cena nodded.
“Agreed. I’ll keep watch here, you-” Suddenly, Cena was interrupted by a crashing sound from the newly constructed mountain. “You think he’s trying to break out?”
“Those mountains are tough little guys, champ.” Ross replied. “I don’t think….” His voice trailed off as a large crack suddenly appeared along the side of the mountain. Cena grimaced.
“Looks like we’re not of the woods yet. What’s it going to take to keep this guy down?” He turned back towards the mountain- and as he did, its entire face crumbled under the weight of one last blow to reveal Tirek standing inside, angered and as strong as ever.
“It appears we are at an impasse.” Tirek stepped out of the wrecked mountain and brushed some dust off his shoulder. “If brute force alone cannot settle this, perhaps an alternative is needed.” He raised his arm and snapped his fingers, and in an instant a steady beat filled the air- and as it did, he stepped forward and began to rap.
“The name’s Lord Tirek and you’d better watch out,
I’ll make all your pony friends scream and shout,
They trapped me in Tartarus but now I’m free,
Ready to remake this world as I want it to be,
A barren wasteland, all the magic for myself,
And all the weaklings swept aside like dust off a shelf,
I’ve got a thirst for revenge only victory can quench,
Try to stop me and it’s in your blood Equestria will be drenched,
So you monkeys better step aside and scurry off back home,
Or there won’t be a world left for you to roam.”
As Tirek finished his verse and stepped back, crossing his arms, Cena and Ross turned to look at each other, nodding. Cena turned back to Tirek and stepped up, launching into his own verse.
“You think you can take this world, we’re here to prove that you’re wrong,
So pipe down a minute and listen to this song,
Since while I’m John Cena and they call me the champ,
You call yourself a lord but you’re more of a scamp.
I’ll say that you can’t see me, cause soon it’ll be true,
When we send you right back to Tartarus to stew.”
As Cena wound down Ross stepped forward to stand beside him and began quietly speaking to the beat.
“I’m Bob Ross, and while I’d like to welcome you,
You’re being too darn mean for me to say it true,
This could be a happy world, choc-full of joy,
But instead you have to act just like a little boy,
Breaking things all around just brings pain, surely you can see?
It’d be best for you to run on home and leave these ponies be.”
As he listened Tirek’s face curled into a snarl, and as Ross finished his verse he clenched his fists and stepped forward again.
“You can yap all you like, you’re simply outclassed,
Keep this up and you apes will be thrown in the trash.
All Celestia’s power and you were the best she could find,
One a glorified actor who’s weak in the mind,
And the other a painter obsessed with trees,
She throws you at me and expects me to freeze?
This world belongs to the strongest and that’s clearly me,
All the might of Equestria might as well be a bee.
Prepare for your demise now I’ve put out your flame,
Cause the time’s come at last to finish this little game.”
Faced with Tirek’s verbal onslaught Cena and Ross were at last forced backwards. Cena turned to Ross, his face concerned for the first time. “This might be it for us, Ross” he said. Ross turned to face him, his expression solemn.
“Looks that way, champ” he replied. “But if we can’t stop him, we owe it to all those poor pony folk to buy them the time to get away safely.” Cena nodded.
“I agree.” He turned back to face Tirek arms raised as Ross brandished a brush, the two men preparing themselves for the final blow. With a wide grin, Tirek stepped forward and prepared to unleash his final verse…
…but as he opened his mouth, suddenly a mare’s voice rang out from behind Cena and Ross. Tirek looked up angrily to see a pink unicorn with a striped purple and blue mane walking towards them, her horn lit up as she spoke out loud.
“You may think you’ve won, but you’re in a jam,
Cause’ I’m Starlight Glimmer, some call me Glim Glam.
I used to be like you but my friends helped me see the light,
Now I’m here to return the favour and to do what is right.
You’ve tried to hurt my friends, but now you’re undone,
Because my magical powers are second to none.
You might have your schemes but they’re about to derail,
And the magic of friendship will always prevail!”
And as Tirek reeled from her last line, a beam of magic shot from Starlight’s horn, splitting in two and encircling the mighty villain as he steadied himself. Letting out a tremendous roar, he charged at her- only to be stopped in his tracks by the beam of magic as a force-field spread out from it to enclose him completely.
“What have you done?” he roared. Starlight, visibly sweating from the effort of her spell, managed a grimace as Cena and Ross both stared on in awe.
“The classic force-field spell, never fails.” she said. “Now then, back to Tartarus with you!” She closed her eyes tight and concentrated, and more magical beams shot towards Tirek from the inside of the shield.
“No!” he roared. “This cannot- how can this be?” He gathered his strength and delivered a mighty blow to the magic shield surrounding him, but although it buckled it stayed intact. Before he could try again the beams of magic reached the villain, wrapping around him like chains- and wherever they touched him his stolen magical energy began flowing out of his body, leaving the force-field to fly off in all directions. As he quickly shrank and shrivelled, Tirek began to shout with an ever-weakening voice. “You may have bested me, but I will have my revenge! You insolent weaklings will rue the day you angered me! You- I will- I- I....” As the last of his magic left his body, Starlight made one last magical effort and shot a third beam at the shield. As it hit, a portal opened up beneath the shrivelled and weak creature inside, and with a faint gasp he dropped right through- right back into his prison in Tartarus.
With a gasp, Starlight finally released her magic and collapsed on the ground. Cena was the first to break from his stupor, rushing to her side.
“Miss Glimmer? Starlight? Are you alright?” he asked, shaking her. He turned back to his partner and shouted. “Ross, get over here! I think she’s hurt!” Ross hurried to join him, kneeling down beside her and putting two fingers to the side of Starlight’s neck.
“Her pulse seems alright”, he noted. “I don’t think she’s hurt, but that was some serious magic. It must have taken a lot out of her. Let’s get her back to that little village; we’ll be able to do more for her there.”
“Agreed” replied Cena, lifting the unconscious pony over his shoulders. “Let’s get moving, Ross.” And with Cena carrying Starlight and Bob Ross carrying his painting supplies, the two men hurried back to the shelter of Our Town.
Hours later, Starlight finally stirred- feeling beneath her not the rough ground she’d collapsed on, but a soft mattress. Confused, she slowly turned her head and opened her eyes to see John Cena sitting on a stool next to the bed, his own eyes half-closed- but as he saw her moving, they opened wide and he called out. “Ross! She’s awake!” He stood up and moved to Starlight’s side. “Starlight, are you alright?”
“Yes, I think so….” Starlight replied faintly. “Did we- did we win?” Cena smiled.
“Thanks to you, yeah. We did.”
“No, I- if you hadn’t weakened him so much I never could have….”
“Hush there, little lady. You should get some rest.” Cena turned to the door as Ross walked into the building. “Glad you could join us.” Ross chuckled.
“You know me, champ. When I saw the scenery, I just had to paint a picture. There are plenty of lovely little mountains around these parts.” Ross looked at Starlight. “More importantly, is she alright?”
“I’m fine”, announced Starlight. “I know you told me to leave, but I- I just felt like I couldn’t run away. Not when you might need me.”
“Indeed.” Ross smiled. “And it’s a darn good thing for us that you didn’t. We were in a real tight spot at the end there.”
“I suppose it was, wasn’t it.” Starlight grimaced. “Look, I never- I have to apologise for everything I did the last time we met. If the two of you hadn’t stopped me- well, I don’t know where I’d be. But I’m sure it’d be a much worse place.” Tears began to well up in her eyes. “I- I’m so sorry!” Cena smiled softly and wrapped his arms around her.
“There there, little lady” he said. “I can assure you we’ve both forgiven you. Besides, you’ve more than redeemed yourself.” Starlight pulled away, smiling through her tears.
“Thank you”, she replied. “Thank you, both of you.”
“Well then,” said Cena . “If you’re alright, I’d say we’re just about done here. Ready to head on back home?”
“No, I need to stay.” Starlight’s smile faltered. “All the ponies here, I- I need to apologise to them. I can’t just run away from my past anymore. It’s about time I faced it head-on.” Cena nodded.
“I understand. You’ll be safe here. We’ll head back to Canterlot, let everyone know it’s over and they can return to their homes. If I see those ponies on the way back, I’ll make sure they know to give you a chance.” Cena paused. “A word of advice, Starlight- no matter what anyone thinks of you, I know you’re a better pony now. Whatever happens, always rise above the hate.” As he turned to leave, Ross nodded at Starlight.
“Miss Glimmer, I’ve gotta say I’m glad you’ve changed. I’m sure you’ll find ways to make yourself and everyone else a whole lot happier. Just make sure you always believe in yourself.” With a smile he turned to follow Cena, and as the two legends left her, Starlight laid back in her bed and smiled. It wasn’t over for her yet- she still had to come to terms with all her old villagers, not to mention all that Twilight had to teach her. But for the first time in years, she felt like everything was going to be alright.