Hi, my name is Church. If you've read what happened last time, you'll know that I got fragmented, ended up in a weird forest, carried a yellow horse named Fluttershy to her house, and also befriended her. Not the same as always, but still pretty weird like everything in my life. As of right now, I'm waiting for the said horse to return with the stew she promised while trying to not pay too much attention to Angel, her pet douche bunny and his gazing. I don't know what this guy's problem is, but if he doesn't stop staring at me like that, I'm gonna start having some really dark thoughts in about a few seconds that involve me spilling some blood. Without even coming up with it, my brain had another smart ass plan and I bet you that it's absolutely gonna scar that bunny for the rest of today.....or maybe his life. Who knows? I turned my top 90 degrees to the right and explained to him: "Hey, did you know that my species can eat YOUR species, cooked or RAW? Cause, if you didn't, now you do." It didn't seem to affect him at first, but when he turned away from me and even if I couldn't see it, his face looked like as if he ate an entire shaker of salt in less than a minute. And to that I say HA! Who's scared now, sucka!?
"Alright, Church. Here's that stew I promised." Fluttershy's voice called out to me when I was uncontrollably giggling as quiet as I can and was balancing a tray that had two bowls of stew on it. Caboose tried something like this once back at Blood Gulch, but as we all should expect, it didn't go so well. Once she approached me, she quickly noticed Angel's "current condition" which I'm still proud of myself for before putting the tray down on the floor. If I get busted right now, then I'll do what I've done as usual: knock her unconscious, make sure the animals say nothing about this to anybody ( well, I guess they wouldn't be able to anyway, cause, you know, they're animals ), and then run for my freaking life while they call me "Public Enemy #1". Why am I getting the feeling I'm gonna get a lot of hate just for saying that? "Angel? Is there something wrong?" Luckily, that bastard seemed too disgusted because he only shook his head which I would thank him for if he wasn't such an A-hole.
"Are you sure? It looks like something is really-" Before she got anymore curious, I was fast enough to stop her from figuring out.
"Hey, Fluttershy. Why don't we just let him be? Looks to me that he wants some time alone for now and we should respect his business, shouldn't we?" That speech was all I ever wish Tucker and Caboose could talk about when I want some alone time.
"Well, I guess you're right, Church. I should stop worrying about it." Oh, thank Lord. Getting back to the matter at hand here, me and Fluttershy sat down nicely on the green wooden floor and looked at both of our bowls of stew. My God, it's a miracle my nose can actually smell food again 'cause these puppies smell SO FREAKING GOOD. In fact, I haven't smelled anything this nice since what feels like.....forever.
"I assume that the second one's yours, right?"
"Of course! You didn't expect for you to be the only one having lunch, did you?" And that was the moment when I noticed there was no silverware anywhere on the tray.
"Hey, Fluttershy? Where the Hell are the spoons?"
"Oops, I forgot! I'll just go and get some right away." Really? She really forgot about spoons? What does she forget about forks and knives as well? Fortunately for us, she didn't really need to stand up and walk again because two birds had flown down and already had two spoons in their talons. Okay, seriously, I really don't get this now. I thought birds only grabbed stuff to either feed it to their babies or use it as material for their crappy nests. "Oh, nevermind! I guess you two have it covered." Right as she said that, the birds let go of the spoons and flew back to wherever the Hell they came from. I would've asked about that, but I've had a very depressing day so far, so I'm just gonna let myself relax and enjoy my meal.
"Great, can we eat now?"
"Oh wait, Church. There's just one more thing...."
"*SIGH*" Oh, c'mon! You've already made our meal and we already have spoons to eat with! WHAT! IS IT! NOW!? Oh, wait.....
"How are you supposed to eat the stew with that helmet of yours on? You won't be able to eat at all."
"........Wow, I guess I've never even thought of that before now that you've mentioned it." Huh, I guess being an A.I. for the rest of your life doesn't really give you the idea about how you would function in a normal body, including eating, as a matter of fact. "I guess I'm gonna have to take off my helmet now, aren't I?"
"Well, i-if you want to, that is." Well, there's no more use in hiding my handsome-as-Hell face, so I guess I have no other choice unless I want part of my helmet to be covered in a hot, delicious admixture.
"I'll take my chances...." Alright, time for the moment of truth. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR A FACE REVEAL! Wait, did I just do Sarge's thing? Hey, he was right! That IS sorta fun! Okay, Church. Less talking, more face revealing. "I just hope she doesn't freak out again like last time. I do NOT wanna be carrying a body anywhere I go looking like a bloody murderer!" And just like that, I placed both of my hands on each side of my helmet, gave it a little shake, and finally,........!
WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
PLEASE STAND BY
Whoops! Sorry about that! We ran into a little trouble with some.....stuff there. Anywho, during our little meal inside of her house, Fluttershy had explained that her friend, Twilight.......something, had actually met humans before by going through some magical portal that only opens once every thirty moons. Okay, I have no clue what the definition of "moons" has to do with anything, but I think Simmons said something one time about "moons" genuinely meaning "months" or some crap. Why don't they just call it months then? Does everything in this universe have to be some form of riddle? After we've finished up our stew, ( not gonna lie, it was pretty badass ) Fluttershy instantly suggested that we go out and see if this Twilight Sparkle character knows anything on how to send me back. I was really hyped as ever when I heard this, but thanks to me removing my cobalt helmet, remembered that I could look like some blood thirstymonster bent on world domination to others. The reason I thought of this was because she also mentioned about the town nearby had horse residents and made me have second thoughts about going to her friend's place.
And this is the part where I wished my second opinions held me back from revealing myself to the four-legged public.
"This was a dumbass plan."
"Please calm down, Church. We're already near Twilight's place."
Those didn't do much, obviously. Fluttershy and I were nearing her place at this moment and have luckily survived from being chased by ponies ( Fluttershy mentioned the right word for them ) holding torches and pitchfork and yelling out "Burn the blue witch/alien thing!!". The pegasus ( she also explained about that ) kept telling me not to worry too much and just trust her. At least, this one I can actually trust on because from I've learned, trust has put me in a lot of trouble that I can't stop looking back at and somewhat feeling guilty for. After surviving from being stared fearfully at by the town residents, my eyes exploded when we had reached Twilight's house. And by house, I, of course, mean A GIANT FREAKING CASTLE!
"Is...is that....?"
"It sure is! Welcome to Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle!" I-wha-she-WHAT!?!? PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE'S CASTLE!?!? WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST TELL ME ABOUT THIS SOONER!?!? WHAT THE F-!?!? *Calming breaths* Alright, Church. Don't get too stressed at this. I mean, it's just a giant castle. A giant castle that's made of crystal and has a shiny and beautiful design, and some of it is based on a giant tree, and.......I'm just gonna shut up for now. Still, I was a little shocked from its appearance and was also having a hard time breathing from disbelief, but was still going with it as calm as I could be.
"Has that always been there?"
"Pretty much a year, honestly."
"Just take your time to admire it, Church. Then, you're possibly going to think that you can really trust Twilight in time." I did admire it and it was gorgeous. I don't remember the last time I've seen anything this pretty. Or shiny and sunlight-reflective. The waterfall in the background was especially helpful in making it look more amazing, not gray and dirty like the several crappy bases we've had. I thought her place was only going to be like the other houses ( which, by the way, didn't look very advanced compared with the ones from my universe ), but apparently, that wasn't the case. Now, with no more gawking at the sight of the castle, I gathered myself and was ready to proceed.
"Wow, it's....beautiful....." Ahem! I said I gathered myself and was ready to PROCEED!? "But, that won't be enough to stop me from my goal. Now, shall we go inside?" Thank you!
"Why yes. We shall." Her sweet and mellow voice was enough for a positive answer and we both walked up the flight of stairs and I was about to push open the doors when I heard voices coming from inside.
"Ow, be more gentle, Twiblight!!"
"It's Twilight! And I'm trying to be as gentle as possible!"
"Well, be MORE gentle! Hey, you know what? I think you're just like the ladies back in my world; I ask them to be gentle, but they always want to do it the HARD way. Bow chicka bow- OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! Watch it, that's my special place!!"
The loud voices were enough for me and Fluttershy to pick up and immediately recognize. Well, actually, each of us could only identify one respective voice and one of them clearly did something to piss off the pony in the castle ( like the female voice and the tone wasn't obvious ). I was thinking of the voice's owner too much that I was heard muttering a word by Fluttershy. "Oh my! What's going on in there?!"
"Tucker....."
"Who?" I didn't have any time to explain and hurriedly kicked the doors open, startling my winged companion and confusing her even more when I dashed through the entrance in hopes of finding my friend. Okay, technically, he's not my FRIEND friend and more of like someone who's always there whenever I get bored. "Church, wait!" I didn't stop for her and kept running and running while sweat was covering the side of my face and also the rest of my head, but I didn't care enough to stop for that either. I didn't even know why I was running for this pervert, but I only focused on being there for my friend. I just said the "F" thing, did I? No, not that "F" thing, God dammit! I stopped for a brief cool down before I heard his voice again, but then followed by a different voice, this one sounding a lot more male-like.
"Hey, hey! Watch the ass, you purple alien thing!"
"My name's Spike and I'm NOT an alien! I'm a dragon, for Celestia's sack!"
"You sure about that? 'Cause your similarities pretty much match up for an ali- OW, SHARP F**KING CLAWS ON MY ASS!!"
I figured out I was lost in one of the hallways until their bickering helped me to change my direction to the east, "That way!" and rushed their instead. Also, "Celestia's sack"? Is that another god or something? After a few more doors, I finally reached the one door where I could hear them clearer through. They were still arguing about something I probably don't wanna know, so I wasted no time to forcefully push the pair of double doors open to reveal the three sources: The Three Musketeers. Just kidding, they were just another pony ( only this one not only had a pair of wings , but a freaking horn as well ), a little lizard creature thingy, and one of the soldiers of Blue Team, Lavernius Tucker A.K.A. the only black guy in the team who somehow got stuck in the wall just to my northwest.
"Church, it's you!"
"Good to see you too, Tucker. How's life been going for ya'?"
"Eh, pretty s**tty so far."
"Yeah, I can imagine." We both exchanged laughs which actually felt good and disturbingly comfortable, but I guess we both never really cared about it. Then, I recalled the pony and lizard alien thing that Tucker was impressively fast enough to figure out about and started explaining.
"Oh, right. Twilight and uh,...." He would've snapped his fingers to help himself to remember more if his hand wasn't stuck to the crystal-made wall.
"SPIKE." The small guy stated as he crossed his arms in annoyance.
"Right, right. Anyway, this is Leonard Church, the brave leader of Blue Team." Good thing he didn't describe me as the S-hole he was or else I won't be able to feel sorry for this guy anymore. "Say hi, Church."
"Hey." I noticed that the unicorn/pegasus hybrid "experiment that went horribly wrong" had her jaw hanging in surprise and sudden shock. "Yo, buddy. I think your friend there needs help."
"Oh, right!" Spike tried his waving hand in front of her face which obviously didn't work. "Uh, I'm gonna go help Twilight out of this trance. In the meantime, I think you should help out your friend with, you know,....that." Yes and you could've just said "with the wall" and not just wave your hand over at a black guy's penis. Unnecessary and inappropriate. "C'mon, Twilight."
The little guy got the frozen horse to move her legs, but not her mouth or face. I wouldn't normally care about minor stuff like this, but I just hope her face unfreezes in time for me to ask a few question I've got in mind. "Sooo, ya' gonna get me outta here or am I just gonna have to live in this stupid wall for the rest of my life?" If only Tucker's crappy mouth didn't have me stop resting and helping him out with his issue. Hey, I was going to do it anyway!
"I don't know, Tucker. Should I or should I not pull you out because you're probably the only one I've found so far as a friend?" That joke didn't seem to ease his patience, not like it would ever work for anyone.
"Just get me outta here, you freaking prick."
"Fine. Can't take a joke once in a while?" I wasn't only interested in seeing where me trying to pull him out of there leads, rather I'm also interested that the META's armor hasn't even received a dent when he was forced into that wall somehow. Man, that armor's as durable as Hell. "Hey, I see you're still into the META's armor."
"Right, it's so surprising to forget to change your armor when you teleport to a place you've never f**king been to once."
"Alright, alright. Enough hissy fits." Just as I grab hold of Tucker's legs, Fluttershy entered the room and saw what happened.
"Church, there you are! Why did you run off like that?!"
"Dude, you've already got a horse chick!? That's so not fair!"
"Tucker, she's not a chick! And furthermore, we've only met a few minutes ago!"
"So, does that mean-?"
"NO, GOD!!"
"Um, Church. Am I......did I miss anything?" Out heads turned to each other before looking back at the yellow pegasus. And since I was already ticked off at Tucker here, I merely said this:
"Yeah, you could say that."
But, three questions remain:
1) Will I ( and Tucker ) ever find a way back home?
2) Could the other guys have also been sent here?
3) And has anyone ever noticed the lack of heavy swearing in my narration lately?