//------------------------------// // Total Bull // Story: Spike's Doom and/or Destiny // by terrycloth //------------------------------// “Okay, that’s the last one in the barn,” Bon Bon said, unwinding her lasso from the latest dead cow after it stopped twitching. Derpy collapsed to the blood-soaked floor, her wings flopping loosely at her sides. “Can we stop now? I am so tired of fighting cows.” Moondancer held her scythe in her fetlocks and leaned on it for support. “I don’t know if we’re levelling up or not, but I don’t think I’m going to spontaneously develop a new spell. That takes study and focus, not being constantly distracted by monsters trying to kill you.” “And I’m getting really sick of these muffins,” Spike said. Derpy was instantly on her feet, her nose pressed against his face as her eye narrowed dangerously. “You take that back.” Bon Bon, for her part, didn’t look entirely fresh either. “Maybe we could head back to Castle Town and find an inn, rest for whatever passes for a night here, and come back later to finish the quest.” “Uh…” Spike said. Bon Bon blinked. “What? I’m sure we’ve got enough left in us to fight some random chickens and farmhands.” “The farm is on fire,” Moondancer said. Bon Bon shrugged. “It’ll still be on fire when we get back.” “That makes no sense,” Spike said. “Games don’t need to make sense,” Bon Bon replied. Moondancer shrugged. “I guess it would prove once and for all whether or not this was a game.” “Not really,” Spike said. “Even a game could have the farm burn down if we left while it was on fire.” The unicorn nodded. “But if it’s still burning?” Spike frowned. “Okay, that would prove this is a game. But if that doesn’t happen we just burned down this pony’s farm for no reason.” “Big deal. We’ll miss out on a reward for a sidequest,” Bon Bon said. “That’s a lot better than trying to test it with something important.” She headed for the barn entrance, weaving her way around the bodies scattered across the floor. “Come on, let’s go rest up.” But as they approached the door, there was a rumble from above, and they all had to scramble back as the front wall of the barn collapsed into a barrier of flaming planks and roof tiles. All throughout the barn, embers scattered from the collapse and landed on bales of hay, setting them on fire as well and filling what was left of the barn with a dire red glow and a cloying heat. “Quick, girls!” Derpy said. “We need to get to the boss room! It’s got metal walls!” “Well played, gamemaster,” Bon Bon muttered under her breath, following the others as they ran towards Baalzebull’s chamber. === Baalzebull mooed, and Spike doubled over, retching. “Oh right,” Derpy said. “Spike’s allergic to devil-cows.” “I guess that makes you our back-up tank?” Moondancer suggested. “You’ve got the next heaviest armor.” “You can’t have the healer tank!” Bon Bon said. “That’s just – no!” “You could be the healer, I guess,” Derpy said. “You’re a chef after all. That’s more of a healer class than a pirate.” “Girls, stop. I’m fine,” Spike said, standing back up, and looking extra green and a bit less purple. “I can do it.” “Mooooo,” said Baalzebull. Spike flinched, but grit his teeth and swallowed the vomit bubbling up in his throat. “You’re making me really mad,” he said, pointing his sword at the giant red bull. “That’s nausea and rage,” Moondancer said. “Do you really want to go into this fight with two status effects on our tank?” “They cancel out,” Spike said, through clenched teeth. “I’m fine.” He started jogging towards the devil bull. “And you’re going down!” Baalzebull did not moo. Instead, he let forth a giant gout of greenish flames, entirely enveloping Spike, that stuck to his armor and kept burning. “Three! Three status effects!” Moondancer cried. “I’m a dragon, I’m fine!” Spike shouted back, stabbing the devil-cow in the gut. “Great Muffin,” Derpy said, “I know you don’t like doing anything but sending me muffins so far, but Spike needs your protection! Shield him with some sort of armor or something. Please?” A spotlight shone down on Spike, and a river of thick, gooey muffin batter spilled out, glopping onto his head and running down over his body, covering him in viscous goop. “Please don’t ever use that spell on me,” Moondancer said. “Also, Dark Eidous.” Lightning flashed, crackling over Baalzebull’s body. “Right, right,” Bon Bon said, crouching low and then darting forwards to attack Baalzebull from behind. Spike flailed about wildly, not really sure what was going on anymore, between the aura of fire and the slowly baking muffin batter covering the eye-slits in his helmet. Luckily, Baalzebull mostly relied on flame attacks, which he could ignore, and was too large for even a terribly-aimed sword swing to miss. Even better, when he next tried his nauseating ‘moo’, enough batter had gotten in Spike’s ears to keep him from hearing it clearly enough for it to affect him. “Is it just me?” Derpy said, as she hovered around Baalzebull’s head, stabbing at him while keeping out of the line of fire as he futilely attempted to roast Spike over and over again, “or is this way too easy?” “It’s supposed to be easy,” Bon Bon said, whacking at Baalzebull between his hind legs with her ladle. There was no apparent effect, but she was sure it was hurting him. “We spent all that time levelling up on his cows.” Baalzebull’s horns crackled, and with a flash, a dark portal opened next to him. From it, emerged a cow, wearing a large black cow bell. “As my master calls, I return,” she said. “You!” Moondancer said, pointing. “We killed you!” “And I have been granted a second chance to die for my master,” she replied. “I must thank you for this gift. Do you accept horrible pain?” She lowered her head, with a ‘clank’ from her bell, and charged at Moondancer. “Don’t talk to the summons,” Bon Bon said, readying her lasso and flinging it around the cow’s neck, setting her hooves to drag the cow off-course, and then flipped her onto her side. Moondancer danced back as the cow slid to a stop next to her. She set her scythe blade beneath the struggling creature’s neck, and yanked it upwards, calling her attack. “Reaper’s Strike!” Baalzebull’s horn crackled again, and another portal opened, depositing another cow onto the battleground. It wasn’t the same one they’d just killed, but she still looked familiar. “I’ll get you this time!” the cow said, immediately charging at Spike’s back. “He’s going to summon all the cows we killed, isn’t he,” Moondancer said, waiting with her scythe as Bon Bon went to work with her lasso. “As long as he keeps summoning them one at a time, it shouldn’t be a problem,” Bon Bon said, holding down the thrashing cattle as Moondancer slit her throat. Baalzebull’s horns crackled again, this time summoning two portals. “Stop giving him ideas!” Moondancer shouted, bubbling the cow on the left as it emerged. Still, they’d had plenty of practice taking out pairs of extra cows during their fights. Bubble one, kill two. It took longer, but it was still fast enough to take down both before he summoned the next set – or maybe he simply wasn’t able to summon a second set until the first was gone. That left Derpy and Spike alone on the boss, so he wasn’t dying quickly, but his attacks did almost nothing to Spike and Derpy’s hat kept her from drawing his attention. Then his horns crackled, and he opened three portals. Moondancer bubbled the first cow, and Bon Bon lassoed the second, but that left one cow free. “You killed me,” she said, focusing on Moondancer. “Now it’s your turn!” “Spike!” Moondancer screamed, “Save me!” But there was no reaction from the dragon, almost as if he couldn’t hear. The cow crashed into her with bone-crushing force, and she flew through the air until she smacked into one of the bodies hanging from the ceiling, landing beneath it in a heap. She tried to scream in pain, but it hurt too much to breathe. The cow reared up over her, ready to crush her beneath her hooves, and a muffin appeared in her mouth. She bit down, letting the sweetness heal her wounds, and rolled out of the way of the cow’s attack. Somehow, she’d managed to keep the bubble spell running, but that meant that she didn’t have a lot of options for fighting back – and anything she tried would just make the cow mad, and increase its strength. Her next dodge was too slow, and the cow’s horn tore into her, her side exploding in agony. Another muffin appeared, taking the edge off the pain, but she had to do something or this wasn’t going to end well for her. She almost tripped over the solution, scrambling to keep her feet after her hind leg almost kicked Bon Bon in the face. Ignoring the cow bearing down on her, she used Reaper’s Strike on the helpless cow beneath her, killing it instantly. She felt her neck crack as the cow managed to headbutt her right in the forehead. Darkness started closing in around the edges of her vision… only to recede as Derpy came to the rescue once again with another muffin. She whimpered at the feeling of her vertebrae wriggling back into place. But with only two cows left, the situation was manageable again. She re-bubbled the first cow before she could get an attack off on Derpy, and Bon Bon lassoed the one who’d almost killed her. “Nice try,” she said, as she set her scythe. “I know! I was this close!” the cow said, pouting, and then Moondancer slit her throat. Baalzebull’s horns crackled, and fifteen portals started to open, all around the room. “Run,” Bon Bon said, her eyes going wide. But before the portals could open fully, Spike managed to plant his sword firmly into Baalzebull’s eye, and the magic went out of control, shooting lightning all around the room but somehow managing to miss all of them. Baalzebull gave one last angry moo, and then collapsed, smoking. The bodies of all the summoned cows – as well as the two cows they hadn’t yet killed – vanished into smoke as their master died. The only thing left was a single black cowbell. “Did we just beat an instant-death timer by about half a second?” Moondancer asked. “I think it was a cut-scene,” Bon Bon said. “I hope it was a cut-scene.” Spike set down his sword and shield, and pawed at his batter-covered helmet, twisting at it until he could pull it off. “What was wrong with you girls?” he said. “I felt like I was fighting that boss all by myself. What were you all doing?”