//------------------------------// // [2] Trials and Tribulations // Story: Of Brain and Bronze // by Chuck Norris //------------------------------// "This court, under fair and unbiased view, finds the minotaur Bronze Brand of Equestria, to be guilty of theft and murder in the first degree." The judge droned out, I had kind of stopped listening at this point. Didn't stop me from snickering at the 'fair and unbiased' part about his speech. Though it got me a rather painful beating. Wait wait wait, you're probably wondering just how murder got tacked on to my charges, yes? Well, I could easily just tell you, but I should still start from where I left off. After curling up in the fetal position and being an all-around pussy for a while, I had gotten up and looked in the mirror that was in the cell. I looked like a thin, tan version of Iron Will, minus the nose ring and steroid issues. Oh, and my hair was the same, it was even blonde. My eyes had become a slightly more piercing ice blue, but that was probably because of Equestria's limited palette. I looked around the dull jail cell, and there was only the cot, the mirror, and a pail of water underneath the mirror to serve as any sort of furnishings. At least there was a roof above my head and a bed to sleep on. I didn't know if I'd get food, judging by how emaciated the buffalo prisoners were... Hold on. Loading... Loading... Boop! Buffalo prisoners?! I thought the mane six had taken care of the prejudice, against them at least. But apparently it wasn't so, as I could see many buffalo, some sharing cells. It didn't appear as though Little Strongheart or the Chief had been taken, so they were still out there. Immediately my brain began thinking of ways I could bust these guys out, I mean, I was a pretty good picklock, but I'd need something I could use as a pick. Wait a minute, maybe I didn't even have to pick it? I was a ripped minotaur, so possibly I could just bull my way through. Pun intended. Gripping the cage door with my hands, I hauled backwards... then flew backwards, pushed through the air into my cot by an invisible force. An enchanted gate, it would seem. Well that settled that, I wasn't going to be using my brawn. Time to use that brain. I bent down and kneeled awkwardly, due to my legs, and inspected the lock itself. It seemed simple, an easy pick. A novice level lock. Damnit Skyrim. But it was probably enchanted, just like the door. Some sort of alarm would sound, or something. Possibly an electric shock. I wasn't willing to risk it. And even if I was, I didn't have a pick. Standing back up, I slowly paced around my cell, waiting on something to happen. When absolutely nothing did, I sat on the cot and leaned up against the wall. I allowed my gaze to rove around the room, taking in the jail. The cells around me were much the same as my own, except that the occupants were on all fours, and hooved. They had this listless look in their eyes, all of them. The fire had been beaten out of them, it seemed. One of them noticed me looking at him, and nudged his cellmate. Then his cellmate looked at me, and soon the entire jail was looking at the newcomer. I awkwardly raised a hand, in a small wave. They returned it, and gave me an uneasy smile too, as if they weren't sure they should dare to have any emotion show on their faces. I realized just how much they had been through, rotting in this hellhole. I looked around, not unlike that time shortly before I was sent here, at the guard. He appeared to be sound asleep. I mouthed to the first one that had noticed my observation. "How long?" I asked silently, hoping he would understand. He did, and replied with, "Me? I don't remember." I sensed an extreme sadness as I ran my eyes down the creature's gaunt form. Nodding, I leaned my head against the bars and closed my eyes for a moment. At least, I thought it was for a moment. . I was awakened roughly by a door slamming open, and the rustle of jimmies. I mean, chains. Yeah. Chains. It appeared as though my trial had come. The same moustached pony from before gave me a sinister smile as he chained my hands together. I glared down at him, realizing just how much taller than everypony I was. I had been dragged through the door, but now I had to duck, almost into a crouch. I felt good, being that much taller than they. Granted, with my hooves shackled I wouldn't dare fight them, but it was still nice. As they herded me out the door, I noticed that while it had been relatively quiet before, the town was silent now. The only sound was my jailer's and my hoofsteps, which kicked up small clouds of dust that were sent speeding on their way out of town by the wind. I was hoping that this wasn't some kind of omen, seeing as whenever there was some kind of shootout this is exactly the way towns were. The only thing missing was the... Tumbleweed. Shit. A tumbleweed slowly bounced across the town's dusty road, and I resigned myself to my fate. There was no way this could end well for me. Not now. At least it can't get any worse. WAIT. WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY THAT?! "Git movin', Sirloin." The pony behind me said, planting a hoof in my back. I had stopped once I realized what I'd thought. And then my brain thought about what he had called me. "Sirloin?" I asked, as I started moving again. "That's what mah pa used ta call yer kind. Pretty much sayin' that things out thayr eat ya on a daily basis." "Ah... Why'd ya call me that?" I asked, unconsciously taking on his manner of speech. "Don't know yer name." He answered matter-of-factly. "Oh, well-" I began, but was interrupted. Good thing too, didn't have any idea what to call myself. "Quit fraternizing with scum, Wagon Wheel!" The moustached pony I only now recognized as the sherriff from the episode yelled. "Yessir, Sherriff!" Wagon Wheel answered almost sarcastically. It might have just been his accent, I didn't know. We walked on in silence until we reached the courthouse. It was bigger than the rest of the buildings and painted, unlike the rest of the buildings. The white facade loomed before me as I walked into the courthouse, and was assailed by the aroma of many closely packed pony bodies. Great. The entire town of Appleloosa was here to watch me burn. Which, given the situation, was not an unfitting saying. The judge brought his gavel down with a forceful Bang! that resounded off the walls of the courthouse. The murmurs and chatter that had begun as I walked into the room were silenced by an icy stare from the judge. I walked up to the wooden podium. It was in a position such that all but forced the accused to look up at the judge upon his raised dais. Conveniently, I was taller than what they had accounted for, and so I could almost look him in the eye. He was a majestic snow-white unicorn, probably the only one in the entire town. His eyes were a crystalline ice blue, not unlike my own. But his popped out more. They just showed up better. His hair was a severe black, with some white streaks in it. It wasn't a buzzcut, but it was fairly short and businesslike. He had a jet black goatee and black hooves, with a slight shaggyness to his fetlocks. TL;DR: He looked pretty fuckin' cool. "Judge Stark Contrast, presiding." A rather burly earth pony off to the side said, and there was a respectful bowing of heads. Even I bowed my head. No need to piss them off even more. "Sherriff, what case do you have against... er... What is the name of this minotaur?" The judge asked, not really asking me. No one could provide him an answer, so I spoke up, using the first name that came to mind. Don't ask me why it came to mind either, cause I don't know. "My name, your Honor, is Bronze Brand." The Judge ran his eyes over me, silently observing my posture. I was standing with my hands behind my back, and my back straight. "Hrm... He seems too respectful to have done uh... what was it now, theft and murder? Are you sure it was him?" "Yes I am, yer Honor. It was most assure-" The Sherriff began, but I cut him off. "Your Honor, I apologize for speaking out of turn, but while I did steal from the apple orchard, I did not kill anypony." I explained. "And besides, I'm perfectly willing to work th-" "Shut up, ya ignorant cow! You don't know nothin'!" The Sherriff interrupted me. Seeing as how the Honorable Judge said nothing about it, I realized I was bucked anyway. Racist bastards. "Okay, so he's plead guilty to the count of theft. But he denies that he committed murder. Sherriff, present your case." The judge intoned. "Of course, yer Honor. Shortly after he stole the apples, we investigated the direction he came from. We found a suspicious pile of sand, and so we dug it up. Inside we found a dead buffalo." The Sherriff explained. That was all they had? I didn't see any pile of sand, but then again, I was sorta focused on making it to the apple trees. "Well. Do we have any witnesses?" The Judge asked. My hopes soared that this might be a fair trial after all. "Yessir, yer Honor." The Sherriff said, and my hopes fled like dogs with their tails between their legs. Lying under oath, hooray for that. It's exactly what happened, too. Many ponies came forward, some who hadn't even been working in the orchard, all testifying that without a doubt they had seen me kill that buffalo, bury it, and come to steal apples. Really, how was this even believable? "Do you have anything else to say in your defense, Accused?" The judge asked. "No, your Honor. Not that I haven't already said." I answered. "Then, this court, under fair and unbiased view, finds the minotaur Bronze Brand of Equestria, to be guilty of theft and murder in the first degree." The judge said, with a look in my direction. I wasn't sure what it meant, though. "As I am feeling lenient, I shall let you choose between three punishments. The first, and most recommended, is death by guillotine. The second is a battle against all of those in attendance of your trial." The Judge announced. I snorted. Those two were pretty much the same damn thing. No way was I going to die the day after I get to Equestria. "And the third option?" I asked, and he had obviously hoped I wouldn't. It wasn't leniency, it was apparently tradition to ask this of all confirmed guilty. "The third option is fif- no, seventy lashes and life in jail." The Judge answered me. Jeez, they wanted me to die no matter what. But at least this one sounded plausible... Take on all of Appleloosa? Alone? Hell no. I'm not that ballsy a motherfucker. Half? Most definitely. Three quarters, yeah, I might. But not the entire fucking town. I racked my brain, trying to think of some other, fourth option. Maybe there would have been, had there not been such an utter amount of bias in this town. "That is the one I choose, your Honor." Why am I still calling him 'Your Honor'? Cause I'm a fucking gentleman, that's why. If I had that title, deserving of it or not, I'd want people calling me that. He may be a racist prick, and he may not deserve it, but I'm not going to sacrifice my character for cheap insults. He'll get his, the world works that way. Even if I have to do it myself. The gavel hit wood three times, a symbol of the trial being closed. The bayliff pony announced that court had adjourned, and the ponies filed out. I waited, and watched out the window as a large log was brought out and stood up on it's end. The ponies braced it against falling over, and then hammered a beam across it. A pegasus dropped rope over it, which I assumed was for tying my hands. Then I was led outside, and as I gazed upon the instrument of torture, a black-hooded orange earth pony standing next to it with a whip in his mouth. I felt like I'd seen that particular shade of orange before, but there wasn't much time for thinking as they tied me to the post and gave me a leather-wrapped dowel to bite on. It appears that there was some slight amount of pity for me, giving me that. I'd need it, that was for sure. I heard the order to begin, and heard the first crack of the whip. It felt as if someone had laid red-hot iron rods across my back. I bit down on the dowel hard, my back arching with the pain. I had to endure seventy of them?! What was I thinking when I agreed to that? There was no more time for thought as the lashes came again, and again, and again. It felt as if an hour passed between that time and the overseer announced, "Ten." Ten to go, or ten left? Please to Celestia be- Whoosh-crack! The whip again interrupted my thoughts. Another mental hour passed, and he announced "Twenty." Well, that settled tha- Whoosh-crack! Seriously?! Again? Can I no- Whoosh-crack! Okay, now it's just pissi- Whoosh-crack! Okay, fuck it. I'm do- Whoosh-crack! "Forty." The whipmaster intoned. At the thought of having thirty more to go, still, after what felt like a week of this, I passed out again. My thoughts before passing out this time were ones of pure hatred, directed at the entire town of Appleloosa. This place was going to burn.