"So I'm gonna be a reserve, which means I won't be in the aerial show unless one of the Wonderbolts gets indisposed," said Rainbow Dash.
"One of the Wonderbolts got indisposed," said Spitfire.
"That means I will be in the aerial show!" said Dash, "this is so aweso-"
"Surprise, motherbucker." Sgt Doakes came out from behind a tree, "Dash, don't you think it's funny how stuff always happens to the Wonderbolts when you're around?" he asked sternly, "first, Soarin broke his wing at Rainbow Falls. Then, Windrider turned heel out of nowhere, and now, right after being appointed a reserve, somepony drops out. I'm watching you, Dash."
"Surprise motherbucker" said Cassandra, kicking down the tree, "go back to your own show, James."
"Yes m'am" said Doakes with a sulk and he sulked away.
"Rainbow Dash, you're nearly as awesome as Cassandra!" said Scootaloo.
Rainbow Dash's efforts to impress the Wonderbolts were a lot less awesome than Cassandra. In her haste to cross the runway, she forgot the most important rule, which is looking both ways first, and got knocked into a garbage can.
"Cadet, what is our first rule?" barked Spitfire
"The first rule of flight club is, you don't talk about flight club." said Dash confidently.
"Oh, a comedienne? Well I can make jokes too! Your new name is-"
"And then they called me Crash! It's a play on words because-"
"We get the derivation" said Twilight
"Ah don't," said Applejack.
"Rainbow, it's just hazing, and I should know," said Twilight, "my friends and I used to put honey in Moondancer's hairbrush. Everypony gets hazed at some point in their life."
"Even Cassandra?"
Cassandra chuckled, "Ohohoho, goodness no. I intimidate ponies just by walking into a room, they wouldn't dare try anything on me. Besides, I know a spell to melt their faces off. If I were a Mary Sue, I'd have the self-control to never use it, but alas, I have character flaws."
"That's ok, we'll still be your friends in spite of your character flaws" said Rarity. She and Fluttershy cuddled up with Cassandra, who began stroking their manes.
"So you're saying I should think up an original character, and take on their personality?"
"Yeah."
"Cassandra, are you sure that's going to work?" asked Rarity after Dash had left the room.
"Not really," said Cassandra, stroking Rarity under the chin, "but it's a lot less likely to break her spine than most of her plans."
"So I made a checklist of things because that's a thing smart ponies do," said Rainbow Dash adjusting her fake glasses.
"What are you doing, now Crash?" said Spitfire annoyedly
"It's my new personality based on my original character Evening Lightflash. If you want to give me a more fitting nickname, I'll understand."
"Well, if you wear those glasses, I'll be happy to call you a different name, but you are aware that you need 20/20 vision to be on the Wonderbolts, so you sure you want to go down this road?"
"N-no m'am."
"Good choice, Crash Test Dummy, now gimme 50 laps."
"I'll give you all the lapdances you want" said Dash seductively
"That'll be another 50."
"Darling, these outfits are so gaudy" said Dash
"Rainbow Crash always wipes out with style," sang Spitfire.
"Ah have the concentration ta accomplish any task, including not crashin'" said Dash.
"Whatever Johnny Crash. Just don't fall in to the burning ring of fire."
"Very funny" said Dash sarcastically.
"No, that's actually good advice for the obstacle course," said Soarin, pointing to a flaming hoop.
"Ohmigosh I'm so excited to be here, and I'm especially excited about being careful when I do stuff!"
"Easy there, Crash Gordon," said Spitfire, eyeing Dash's slightly-singed wings.
"Oh, I'm so shy and weak, won't you please give me a better nickname?"
"You don't really think being a doormat will get you more respect, do you, Bangers & Crash?"
It was the day of the big show and Rainbow Dash still wasn't cool. But she had a plan.
"Hey, you, uhhhhh orange, Applebloom's friend?" she said to Scootaloo
"It's Scootaloo."
"Ghesundteit. Anyways, I need you to help with my routine by kicking a storm cloud into my path so that it makes lightning near me, but doesn't electrocute me."
"I don't think lightning works that way."
"So you'll do it? Thanks, Sweetie Belle!" And she took off before the stunned pegasus filly could reply
It was Rainbow's turn to do her dive in the show, and right on schedule, Scootaloo kicked a raincloud into her path. However, Dash was too close, and was about to get electrocuted! Up in the stands, Fluttershy noticed and looked concerned. "Oh, my" she said, raising her head from resting on Cassandra's back, "Rainbow Dash is about to get struck by lightning. Somepony should save her, but how? You'd have to be faster than lighting to... Cassandra?" The seat next to her was suddenly empty. Instead, Cassandra was up in the sky, racing to get close enough to kick the cloud away. She made it there just in time, and blasted straight through the cloud, easily shrugging off the pain of 10,000 volts coursing through her. They all clapped, Cassandra had saved the day!
"Nice job Crash!" said Spitfire, "you would've ruined the show if it hadn't been for Cassandra's quick thinking!"
Dash burst into tears, "wouhahahaha! Stop picking on me! Cassandra, they won't stop calling me Crash, and they're all being me-e-e-e-ean!!!"
"All right guys, I think you've proved your point, so lay off Dash," said Cassandra.
"Yes m'am" said Spitfire. "Dash, we all have nicknames, even me," she said comfortingly to Dash "...well except Cassandra because we respect her too much."
"So how did you get your nickname?" asked Dash, wiping the tears from her eyes
"I'll tell you, but I'll have to whisper it in your ear" said Spitfire
"Why? Everypony else here already knows," pointed out Cassandra
"Good point as always, honorary captain" said Spitfire, saluting. "Anyway, on my first day, Windrider dared me to drink a glass of liquid rainbows, and being the lethal combination of obedient & showoff that I was, I took the glass and said I'd chug it down in 10 seconds flat! But after just a couple sips, I realized that I'd made a huge mistake; my throat was burning, there was steam coming out of my ears, my mouth was on fire! I had no choice but to spit it all out. And from that incident came my mortifying nickname.... Spitfire."
"But, uh, that's your actual name" said Rainbow Dash
"Yeah, but they never bothered to ask. Let this be a lesson to you, Crash Bandicoot, if you're gonna screw with somepony, pretend to like them for a little while first."
"You want to screw?" asked Dash
"No. But Cassandra, do you wanna do the nasty?"
"No, you're kind of a jerk."
"Well, this show's been more borin' than a documentary about pears," said Applejack with aloud obnoxious yawn, "ah gotta stretch mah legs." Without realizing it, she wandered onto the runway, and an incoming pegasus crashed into her, sending her over the edge and plummeting to the ground, and she died.
"Newbie, what's rule #1?" said Spitfire
"Always look both ways before crossing the runway, m'am!" recited Rainbow Dash, with a salute.
"Very good! I think you might just have potential yet, Rainbow Dash."
"You called me by my real name! And it's all thanks to Cassandra!"