//------------------------------// // Chapter 4: Cheeki Breeki Tour // Story: Lost To The Zone // by The Zealot //------------------------------// Chapter 4: Cheeki Breeki Tour There’s nothing quite like waking up to the sounds of birds chirping, and beams of sunlight shining into your room. What I mean by this is, there’s nothing quite as annoying. Now, don’t get me wrong, birds were cool and all, and I loved the sun because I had spent plenty of cold, dark winters in the Zone, but waking up to that shit? That is annoying. Anyway, I did the same thing I did yesterday, took a shower and brushed my teeth. Still didn’t have any new clothes, or anything to wear while the ones I had were being cleaned, but the good news was they still didn’t smell. I guess that probably had to do with the lack of walking through the Zone for hours. Today, I managed to wake up a bit earlier that Twilight and Spike, and so as a grateful houseguest, I decided to make them breakfast. They had all the right ingredients, and I’m lazy, so I decided to cook up some blin. Don’t worry, my recipe for blin is world famous. Hopefully now that would be two worlds. It seems the smell of freshly made breakfast had woken up Twilight and her assistant, as not moments after I had placed the last perfectly cooked blin onto a plate, the two of them entered the kitchen. “Ah, is good morning to you Comrades! I am of hoping you are not mind, but today I decided I should make breakfast for all. Is Ivan’s World Famous Blin, as thanks for giving me place to be staying.” I was smiling under my mask, not that they could tell, but it did seem they perked up when they heard I made food. Quickly I moved the serving plate to the table, with three more plates and utensils following after. I had also set out whatever jams Twilight had, in case she or Spike wanted some for their blin. Personally I had all I needed, wonderful majonez. “Oh, uh, well that’s quite kind of you Ivan. They do smell pretty great, guess we should all dig in, huh?” Twilight replied, taking a seat at the table as she glared at Spike, who already looked as if he wanted to eat the entire stack of blin. “Da, is plenty for everyone, have as much as you are wanting!” That last part was directed at Spike, who quickly moved a fair portion to his plate. I could not fault him, he looked like a growing boy, and we all know how much food they need. ***** Needless to say, everyone enjoyed their meal. I must say, it did amaze me what I was able to do with these Equestrian ingredients, they were clearly a cut above what I normally had to cook with. Combine that with my natural skill in making amazing foods, well, I could probably have a job in any pancake house this side of the palace. Eventually Twilight brought up the question of what I planned to do today. Upon telling her I didn’t really have any plans, probably just going to do some reading from her extensive collection, she offered an idea. She too had the day free, what with it being Sunday and all and the library being closed, and so she suggested a tour of the town. It couldn’t hurt to familiarize myself with my new home, she argued, and I found myself with no option but to agree. The girl was a natural debater, I swear, she even managed to get past the tried and true slav time passer of ‘get drunk and pass out’ which was just amazing. In the end, we both walked out the library door and into a normal, sunny day in Ponyville. ***** Our first stop was the farthest out of town, the apple orchard owned and run by her friend Applejack. It wasn’t too far a walk, and the day was nice, so I couldn’t complain. Well, I could complain, but I didn’t, because even the weight of my Kalashnikov didn’t make the walk feel tiring. As we crested the hill leading to the orchard I got a view of the main entrance. It was a nicely made gate sorta thing, proudly proclaiming the place to be Sweet Apple Acres, owned by the Apple family since the founding of Ponyville. Obviously, the place was both a source of export and a local historical landmark. Heading past the gate I saw the house which Applejack, her brother, her little sister, and her grandmother lived in. It was a nice rustic thing, not too big but not too small, and it looked weathered as all hell. Truly, if you’d taken it and thrown it somewhere in the American countryside it would’ve looked just at home. Speaking of Applejack’s grandmother, she was the first person we saw on our walk up, sitting and rocking in a rickety old chair on the front porch. Twilight had told me her name was Granny Smith, and looking at her I could see the resemblance to the apple. Her fur was a pale shade of green, her hair was white and done up in a bun, and her smiling eyes were a warm orange color which seemed to radiate worldly knowledge. Her clothes were pretty plain, and looked right at home on the old lady. Mostly brown and grey tones, it seemed Granny Smith was a right down to earth woman, without much care for all the fancy jewelry many other old grandmothers chose to wear. She said the first words of greeting as we walked up. “Why, do my eyes deceive me or is that little Twilight Sparkle come here to visit! Now, you come over here and sit down, and introduce me to this new friend of yours!” She spoke exactly as you would think a loving grandmother would, just the right amount of teasing, sternness, and love for everyone younger than her. Reminded me of my own grandmother, honestly, except Grandmother Ivan always kept a loaded shotgun next to her chair. Twilight did as Granny Smith said, dragging me over to one of the other chairs on the porch. She took the time to introduce myself, leaving out all the complicated things such as my being from another universe and all. “Hello there Mrs. Smith, my name is Ivan. Is pleasure to be of meeting you.” I introduced myself with my most polite manners, it would certainly not do to be rude to one of my elders. “Now, that’s awfully polite there Mr. Ivan, it’s right nice to meet you too. Well, all this aside, I’m sure ya’ll didn’t come out all this way just to sit her and talk with an old fuddy-duddy like me, I’ll bet you’re here for Applejack, ain’t ya?” Right to the point this Granny Smith, I could respect that. At the very least she didn’t start off on stories of her childhood before even asking if that’s what we were there for. “Yes, actually. Ivan here hasn’t been in town very long, and so I wanted to introduce him to all my friends, and give him a tour of the town.” Twilight, too, was very polite. That made sense, this was the grandmother of one of her best friends after all. Granny Smith was very understanding. She even did us the favour of, somehow, shouting loud enough for Applejack to hear her all the way across the Orchard. An impressive set of lungs on that old lady, honestly. ***** “An’ here’s the main attraction, Sweet Apple Acres herself!” Applejack announced to myself and Twilight, spreading her arms to the view behind her, that being, the giant apple orchard her family ran. Applejack had shown up promptly at Granny Smith’s yelling, and after a bit of explanation for why we were there, she offered to give the two of us a tour. Of course, Twilight had been there many times before and, being the librarian that she is, had also read enough about the history to help along with the tour. All in all I learned that the Apples are one of the oldest families in all of Ponyville, having a history dating back to the founding of the town. Through those years they had provided food and export bringing income to both themselves and the town, and as such were very reputable people. It also appears they’ve always been honest people, exemplified by Applejack being the Element of Honesty. Whatever that means, nobody told me. “Is impressive view, da. Reminds me of place parents used to take me as child, but was many years ago. Memory is blurry, you see.” I replied. Honestly, Sweet Apple Acres was a massive, beautiful place. Green fields filled with large trees, each one bearing bright red fruits, and of course there was the sun shining overhead, which made the place look like something out of a children’s book. “Well, glad ya think so. Not to be rude, but keepin’ a place like this runnin’ is a lot of hard work, and I haven’t made my quota today. Feel free to take some of the apples with ya, or talk to Granny Smith some more, but I really have to get back work.” Applejack said, looking out over all the trees full of apples with a worried look. I guess she really did have a lot of work to do, so neither Twilight nor I really held it against her when she ran off to go kicking trees again. We did take her up on the offer, and I learned a bit more about the Apple family, and Ponyville as a whole from Granny Smith. Before too long, however, we were leaving the orchard, waving goodbye and carrying a small bag filled with a few fresh apples. They were damned good apples too. ***** Those apples were surprisingly filling, and were also the reason Twilight’s next suggestion of heading to a pastry shop where her friend worked was vetoed, instead we were heading off to a boutique. Turns out the white unicorn I’d first met, who was named Rarity, also owned and operated a boutique where she crafted, and I quote ‘the most fabulous ensembles this side of Canterlot’ which was also said without a hint of braggery. Walking in the door, I had to agree. I wasn’t anyone for fashion, obviously given what I was wearing, but I’ll be damned if there weren’t some impressive dresses in there. Anyway, we opened the door, a little bell chimed, and Rarity greeted us quite promptly. “Oh, hello there Twilight Dear, so nice of you to visit! And you as well Mister… uhm” Right, I never told her my name, awkward. “Ah, is just Ivan. Please, mister was father. Good to be making proper acquaintance with you.” I supplied, Rarity smiling with the apparent fact that I could have nice manners. “Yes, of course, wonderful to see you as well Ivan. Those clothes on the other hand, well, let’s just say they’re not to my personal taste.” I thought this might happen. I wouldn’t know personally, seeing as I’ve never been in the fashion business, but friends of mine always told me how much designers hated military clothing. Or maybe it was just Rarity, who knows. “Eh, purpose is more for being clothing than of being nice clothing. Plus, harder to spot in dark forest when are wearing dark clothes, da?” I replied, offering a shrug, to the great amusement of Twilight. “That’s actually one of the reasons Ivan wanted to visit, Rarity. You see, because of how he got here, he doesn’t exactly have any other changes of clothes, and he’s starting to smell a bit.” Twilight explained to the seamstress. Honestly, I don’t think she needed to say I smelled. I am still quite pleasant smelling! Probably. “Your words, Twilight Sparkle, they sting! But purple pony is right, I am of being in need of  new clothes. Of course, I would be doing something to pay debt to you.” I expanded on Twilight’s explanation. Twilight assured me Rarity would probably offer the clothes for free, but I couldn’t ask her to do that in good conscience. “Well that is sweet darling, but honestly I doubt the cost would be very much anyway. I doubt you want something as fancy as a high end formal suit, now would you? Most of the cost of the clothes I make comes from how complicated the design is, and the use of expensive fabrics, normal clothing is rather cheap to make.” Rarity replied. Well, she was right about one thing, I didn’t need a suit. Honestly, I had known I would have to get newly tailored clothes in the first place, just not for the reasons I actually needed them. See, I knew that I would need clothes custom made, because what I was wearing wasn’t exactly something you could just pick up from a mall. However, as it turned out, I needed tailored clothes for another very separate reason, nothing else would fit. For a quick fix, Twilight and I went looking around at some stores in Canterlot for clothes, and it turns out, my measurements are just a bit too big. Apparently, as far as sizing goes, I’m closer to an Alicorn than I am a Pony, of course, there are only two Alicorns in the world, and they’re both female, so, custom tailored stuff it was. “Haha, you are not wrong tovarisch! A suit is not really thing I am of needing. In honesty, all I am really wanting for is maybe extra two changes of clothes like what I wear now. Is good, reliable clothes, never fail me before, da.” If she was going to insist, I might as well take what I could get, right? I guess she wasn’t the Element of Generosity for nothing. “Oh, please, think nothing of it dear. Now, just let me get your measurements, and I’ll get these started when I can!” With that, she lifted a tailor’s tape in her magic, and proceeded to invade my personal space many times in the next minutes. ***** Once my measurements had been taken, Rarity had all but shoved us out of her boutique, saying something about ‘exciting new designs to work with’ the entire time. Twilight said she usually did that when she got some new, interesting order, and that it was par for the course. Twilight said that, since we were close, we should visit her friend Fluttershy next. I, however, was pretty hungry after all the time spent getting literally every bit of me measured, and so vetoed her suggestion in favor of visit this Sugarcube Corner place I’d heard so much about. Apparently Pinkie Pie worked there, as well, so two birds with one stone and all that. Hopefully my Cheeki Breeki can protect me against her...