//------------------------------// // The Mare Who Lost Everything // Story: The Light of Despair // by Gordon Pasha //------------------------------// It was morning. The last morning Radiant Hope ever intended to spend in Whinnysburg. She had stayed for the past several days only because that was how long it had taken for her energy to return. The prevailing theory was that such an intense energy discharge, alongside inexperience with that weird kind of magic, had been the culprit of her collapse and subsequent lethargy. But Radiant Hope had other ideas…. Hope packed her saddlebags. Even as she tried to put as much focus into the packing as she could, she felt distracted, as though in a kind of a fog. She had felt like this ever since awakening. They all insisted it would get better, that this sadness would depart from her on its own. It never did. Hope looked at herself one last time in the mirror. Her coat still shined bright, much to her surprise. She felt like it should not be allowed to, somehow, as though it should be the outward show of what she felt inside. Yet, it continued to shine and sparkle, beyond all reason. Why is my coat still shining, even after everything I’ve done? Hope pondered. Don’t those things affect me anymore? Have I changed that much? Hope considered this particular characteristic of her people. Crystal ponies’ coats dimmed due to profound depression and sorrow. While Hope did feel these, what she felt most of all was emptiness. And apparently, her coat was not responsive to emptiness. Hope threw her cloak around her and lifted the hood up over her head. The mayor had had it cleaned free of charge in return for Hope’s actions. As much as Hope had tried to insist on paying, the mayor would hear none of it. The cloak was now cleaner than it had ever been and soft to the touch, but Hope could not enjoy it. Its very softness felt hard on her back. Its cleanness felt like dirt. Hope descended the staircase. As she did so, she was met with cheers from the patrons of the inn, raising their tankards to toast her. She ignored them. The innkeeper knew she was leaving, so she did not have to share words with him. Hope was thankful. She did not want to share words with anypony. But there was one pony she knew she had to talk to. Hope pushed through the door, past the courtyard, and into the street. “There she is! There’s our hero!” Hope was surprised to see Oriflamme, the mayor, standing before her. And Hope heard music, joyful music. She must have been too caught up in her own thoughts to hear it before. Hope looked down the street. There were streamers and banners set up, and all sorts of ponies crowding the thoroughfare. And they were all happy. “It’s good to see that you’ve decided to come out for the festival,” Oriflamme said. Hope said nothing. “It’s almost in honor of you,” said the mayor. “Well, actually, it’s a festival of thanksgiving. But it’s thanksgiving for being saved from the plague. And that was all you.” Hope still said nothing. She did, however, notice that Oriflamme held a tankard in her hoof. Oriflamme pressed the tankard toward Hope. “Here, have a swig on the mayor! You deserve it.” Hope was silent. She did not even bother to push back the tankard. She just walked in the other direction. The mayor’s cries of, “Hope? Hope!” were ignored. Hope did not get far before she heard a voice say, “It’s amazing how much new life has been breathed in this town. It’s like we’re coming back from the dead.” She recognized that voice. She looked up. It was the carpenter. “Oh, Mr. Cross Beam,” she said weakly. “How is Wood Chip?” “Greetings, Your High– er, Miss Hope,” he answered. “We’ve been worried about you. You seemed to take it so badly with all that happened the other night. But I’m happy to see you’re up and about. And, if I may be allowed to say, it’s quite gracious of a princess such as yourself to join with us common folk in our simple celebration.” Radiant Hope felt herself clench up a little. Once more, she was reminded that she had never managed to dispel that fiction. She wanted to finally say to all, ‘I’m not a princess!’ But she did not have the strength. Instead, she just repeated her question, “How is Wood Chip?” “He is doing very well, due entirely to Your Highness’ services. Thank you again. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost him. You saved two lives that day. And don’t worry about the damage to the hovel. You don’t need to pay for it. I’m a carpenter. I can fix it myself.” “Maybe I should go and see him before I leave,” Hope said. She noticed a change in the carpenter. He tried to hide it, but he had become uneasy. “Not that I and my son don’t appreciate all that you’ve done for us,” he said, “but Wood Chip is a little… shaken by what he saw that night. He keeps talking about you with green eyes and a dark horn, nonsense like that. I talked to him about inviting you over for dinner, to thank you. He seemed to become all upset. He was shaking, like he was scared. I don’t understand it myself, but you know how kids get.” “I understand,” Hope said sadly. Her horn began to glow. A lollipop floated out from her saddlebag. “Can you give this to him, from me? It’s my last one, and I promised him.” The carpenter took the lollipop. “Why, thank you, Miss Hope! I’m sure he’ll love it. Don’t worry, he’ll get over this skittishness sooner or later. You’ll see, he’ll be as friendly as ever.” “I’m leaving Whinnysburg today.” “Oh. Well, when you come back, just let me know. You come to dinner then, and he’ll have forgot all about whatever got to him. I mean, if our simple fare isn’t too unsatisfactory for a princess, that is.” Radiant Hope did not have the heart to inform the carpenter than she planned never to return to Whinnysburg. Hope trudged through the busy streets, the happy streets, the streets where ponies celebrated. She eventually made it to the central square. This seemed to be the locus of the festival. In the middle of the square, ponies were hard at work putting up a stage. Hope’s brows rose. Among them, she spotted Fallen Fortune. She had merely intended to stop by his house. She had not expected him to be out among the other ponies. He was the one pony she felt the need to talk to. But not in front of everyone. Maybe I should just leave, Hope thought. Too late. Fortune had spotted her. He rushed over. “Hope!” he said, his voice filled with joy. “You’re up!” Hope could barely meet his gaze. “I didn’t think you were the type to get involved in something like this,” she said. “Well, you know,” he answered, “I said I was turning over a new leaf. And recent events have only convinced me of the necessity of it.” “By recent events, you mean….” Hope could not finish the sentence. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Fortune said. “How are you feeling?” “I’m not stuck in bed anymore,” Hope said. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” “I know. I need to talk to you.” Fortune nodded. “Alright.” Hope looked at the surrounding ponies, some of which had begun to take an interest in the conversation. “Can we do it somewhere more private?” “Of course,” Fortune said. “Let’s walk over to my house.” Behind them, ponies began whistling rather inappropriately and shouting, “Go get her!” Fortune ignored them. Hope barely heard them at all. “I’m leaving today,” Hope said, with hood lowered, as they stood together in the shadow of Fortune’s house. “Leaving?” he said. “Are you sure you’re up for it?” “I can’t stay here any longer. The guilt is just too much.” Fortune nodded in understanding. “I see.” Hope looked past Fortune to the ponies busily raising the stage. “You were right,” she said. “I didn’t feel it until after I had done it. But you were right. Something’s missing. I feel so empty inside. I feel like the pony I was, whoever that was, is gone. I thought I felt real emptiness when I lost Sombra, when the Crystal Empire vanished. But it wasn’t like this.” “I know it’s hard, Hope,” Fortune responded, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “But you can get better. You can overcome it.” “Can I?” Hope asked. “You were right, when you said it would feel like a part of my soul was ripped out of me. That’s exactly how I feel. Those where living creatures, just like you said. I had no right to hurt them, I had no right to….” “You don’t have to say it if you feel like you can’t.” “I killed them.” “Well, we don’t know that. Those creatures are so strange. They might have survived. Their energies were dispersed, but that might not be fatal for them.” “No, I killed them. I’ve never killed anything before. I didn’t think I could.” Fortune smiled a reassuring smile. “Hope, that doesn’t change who you are. You are still the best pony I have ever met.” “How can you say that?” Hope responded, now looking Fortune in the eyes. “After what I did, after I gave into rage, how can you say that?” “I’ve seen you at work, remember? I know how much you care about other ponies. How much you care about Sombra. What you did, you did because you thought it would save the ponies you care about. That made it easy for the rage to take control of you.” “But it didn’t take control of you. You stopped yourself. You didn’t kill me, even though it told you too. I wasn’t as strong as you were.” Fortune shook his head furiously. “No, Hope, no. It’s not the same. What I was doing was for selfish reasons. You wanted to save this town.” “If I’m such a good pony, I should have been better. If you could see it at the last moment, I should have. You are stronger than me.” Fortune firmly set his hooves on Hope’s shoulders. He locked eyes with her. “Hope, listen. Me, I’m mediocre. I know that and I accept that. And a mediocrity is always going to be a mediocrity, no matter how much he tries. But you, you’re so much more than I ever could be. You have the potential for greatness that I never did. But that also comes with greater temptation.” “You sell yourself too short,” Hope said. “You could be a great alchemist. You just need to get back to it. I’m sure you’ll find that philospher’s rock you’re looking for.” “Stone, Hope, philosopher’s stone,” Fortune responded. “And I might be closer to that if somepony hadn’t knocked over both the mixing bowl and one of the vials the other night.” Hope smiled bashfully. “Sorry about that. Sorry about all of it.” “Hope, I’m just joking. You don’t have to apologize.” “But I want to. And with the bowl…. It would have been ruined anyway. I accidently knocked the potion into it first. When I tried to fix it, I knocked over the bowl and spilled it all over myself. But hey, at least we know that particular combination isn’t poisonous.” “That is something,” Fortune said. “Too bad it wasn’t the right combination. With that, you could live long enough to see the Crystal Empire return. You’d just have to wait, and you’d see Sombra again.” “I can’t wait that long,” Hope said. “I have to find out what he is and what’s happened to him. Then I’ll do whatever it takes to save him, even if that takes a thousand years.” “So, you are still going to try to save him?” There was a hint of disappointment in Fortune’s voice. “Those creatures,” Hope answered, “they nearly made me give up. Give up on everything, give up on life. That’s what they wanted to do; they wanted to break me before I died. But do you know how I kept going? I thought of Sombra. He’s the only thing I can still believe in, especially now that I can’t ever believe in myself again.” “Don’t say that, Hope. Not about yourself.” “The pony I was is gone. I don’t think I like the pony I am now, but I can’t go back. I can only go forward. The only thing left to do is to focus on what I believe in, and that’s Sombra.” “But Hope, there must be something else to believe in!” “Like what?” Fortune was silent. “Do you want to know what the worst part is?” Hope asked. “Hmm?” “I don’t even know if I’m sorry. Isn’t that strange? I feel guilty, but I’m not really sorry. I look at all these ponies, and how happy they are, and I just know it couldn’t have happened unless I did what I did. So I can’t feel sorry, even if that makes me a bad pony because of it.” After a few moments of mutual silence, Hope added, “And I’d probably do it again. Maybe I’d even go further, if somepony needed me to.” “You mean, if Sombra needed you to?” The look in Hope's eyes was calm and clear. “Of course. " Fortune did not know what more he could say. “Where will you go?” he asked. “I don’t know. Back into the Frozen North, probably.” "I know you think you’ve crossed a line, that you can’t go back. Maybe you can’t. But you don’t have to do this.” “I do. If there’s been one benefit to all this, it’s that I now know that, after what I’ve done, I could force myself to do anything for Sombra. And if he’s the pony of darkness everypony claims he is, maybe we’d fit together even better. We’d be the same!” Fortune gave Hope a look unlike she had ever seen from him. A look she had never expected to see from him. A look of pity. “You’re not a pony of darkness, Hope,” Fortune said. “There’s darkness in me,” Hope said. “Maybe there is. But it doesn’t have to define you. I want you to remember that, Hope. You can come through this darkness. I think maybe you can even become better for it. The greatest ponies, I’ve heard, are those with both great light and great darkness inside of them. Or maybe we all have that inside of us. The great ponies might just be the ones who are able to balance them the best.” “I’m not great,” Hope said. “Not great? You could become a princess, but you’re not great?” Hope shook her head. “You know I don’t want to become a princess any more. Besides, I never could. I’ve fallen too far.” Fortune once more put a hoof on Hope’s shoulder. He smiled. Hope had never been sure whether his smile was genuine or not before. Now she was certain that it was. “You know what they say,” he said. “Only once you’ve fallen completely can you truly rise again.” Hope and Fortune shared a moment of silence. “Oh, but come on,” Fortune said. “This is a happy day! We’ve got food, wine, pretty mares….” Hope chuckled a little. “The more you change, the more you stay the same.” “I could say the same about you. But I’ve discovered something you might find interesting. I was looking through the book again and I think I found a page on our fiery foes. Do you want to come up and take a look?” Fortune realized immediately that it was a mistake. He saw the faint traces of happiness depart from Hope’s face. He had thought that going back to the research might help keep her mind off of her sorrow. But how could it not remind her of what had happened? If what she did? Still, he was on this tack now, so he would have to see it to the end. Hope probably would have advised him to ‘push through,’ had it been anypony else. “I don’t really want to read about them,” Hope said. “Come on,” Fortune said. “It might make you feel better. Maybe we’ll learn that they were all monsters, or that you didn’t destroy them.” “Or we might find out that they weren’t and I did.” “Don’t be like that. You know the importance of staying optimistic. You know the importance of, no pun intended, holding on to hope.” “I think there was a pun intended there,” Hope said. “Maybe there was. But come on. Let’s go up and take a look at the book.” Hope looked at the house. “I’d rather not go in. I want to leave Whinnysburg soon, and it might just delay me.” That’s what I was hoping for, Fortune thought. But he knew he couldn’t argue with Hope. “Fine, fine,” he said. “I’ll go up and get it. Then we can look at it here.” Fortune trotted over to the door of his house and opened it. Hope followed. Fortune entered the house. Hope remained on the threshold. Fortune went into his study. The book was on his desk. It was turned to the first in a long section on the fire-creatures. The heading of this section consisted entirely of one word; "Ignes." Fortune lifted the book up with his magic, being careful to keep the page where it was. He was turning to walk out when he tumbled over. That mixing bowl had once again been his downfall. “I really need to pick that up,” he said. The mixing bowl was enveloped in a violet aura. Fortune lifted it up. He gasped. The mixing bowl dropped again, just a few inches from where it had previously lain. But a few inches was enough to uncover the small, red stone beneath it. “The… the philosopher's stone!” he said in shock. Fortune crawled over and scooped it up. “B-but how?” Then he noticed the hoofmarks, the dried hoofmarks that he had never gotten around to washing off the floor. Hope’s hoofmarks. It only now occurred to Fallen Fortune that they were a ruby red, the same color as the stone. "It was the right combination after all!" Fortune exclaimed. "She did it! She found the stone! And all by accident! It must have fallen over while it was hardening. That explains how some of the liquid got on her." Something else occurred to him. "But, if the liquid got on her…. Come to think of it, nopony should have survived that blast from the ignis without some sort of protection…. But does that mean…. Fortune turned around, filled with excitement. He could not wait to share this wonderful discovery with Radiant Hope. "To think, the secret of the ages, and she discovered it completely by mistake! And she didn’t even believe me when I unfolded to her the real meaning of her cutie mark!" But before he could get far, Fortune came upon the book. In his enthusiasm, he had forgotten all about it. It was still the same section, the one on the ignes, but a few pages had been flipped over when it hit the floor. One passage immediately caught Fortune’s eye. “The ignes, ponies of fire and light, are believed to be relatives of the umbrum, ponies of mist and shadow, with whom they share an affinity for so-called ‘dark magic.’ The ignes have a wider range of habitation than the umbrum, which are native to the Crystal Empire and its environs only. Also, the ignes continue to range free while the umbrum were imprisoned beneath the Empire long ago. Still, should you encounter either, proceed with extreme caution. Both species are considered highly malevolent toward other forms of life.” It all clicked in Fortune’s mind. Sombra was one of the umbrum! He had to tell Hope immediately. He had to stop her. Hope stood at the threshold and looked into the distance, in the direction of the sun. She lifted the hood of her cloak over her head. “I wish it all could have been different,” she said. “But it can’t be. I am whatever it is that I am, and I have to do what I have to do. There is no turning back.” Hope turned her gaze toward the stairs. She had been waiting for a while, and was beginning to think that Fortune had gotten involved in something and forgotten about her. Should I go up? she wondered. Hope banished that thought. She knew she could not go up. She knew she could not stay here. She had felt like Fortune was trying to keep her here, trying to keep her from leaving the town and disappearing into the Frozen North. And the worst of it was, Hope partially hoped he would succeed. She was tempted to stay a little longer. But I can’t. I’ve lost everything already. I have to find Sombra. He’s all that I have left. Hope sighed. I have to leave. If he keeps me here longer, I might never convince myself to go. It’s best to just get it over with. Hope turned her back toward the house of Fortune and looked out at the sun once more. If there had been one benefit to having been in bed for so many days, it was that her magical energy had had a chance to replenish itself. She felt like she had saved up enough to make her farthest teleportation yet. Maybe she could even clear the bounds of this town. Then she would not have to see any pony that could turn her around. “Goodbye, everypony,” Hope said quietly. Then there was a blue flash. Radiant Hope was gone. “Hope! Hope!” Fortune shouted as he bounded down the stairs, the book flying beside him and his great prize held tightly against his chest. He saw the door open and the house empty. Fortune came to a halt. He could detect the traces of magic, the same residue from whenever Hope teleported. She must have teleported again. Wherever she had ended up, Fortune knew that he would not find Hope before she had left Whinnysburg. “No, she’s gone,” he said. “Hope… Hope’s gone.” As Fallen Fortune forced himself back up the stairs, he fell to thinking. She’s going to go back to the Frozen North. She’s going to find the umbrum. She loves Sombra too much. Because of that, and that guilt she’s feeling, she’ll never see the umbrum for what they really are. He let out a moan. "Oh, Hope, you’re truly lost now!" Fortune threw the black book and the precious stone onto his desk. He fell into his chair and buried his head in his hooves. “Lost, lost, Hope is lost,” he said. “Oh, Hope! I can’t bear to think of what will happen to you now.” Fallen Fortune sat there, in silence and sorrow, until the sun began to set and the twilight came on. Then, by chance, he happened to look up. His eyes alighted upon the obsidian mirror. There, he saw two ponies, a large grey stallion and a smaller lavender mare with a sparkling coat. Sombra and Radiant Hope. They smiled in Fortune’s direction and then to each other. Fortune smiled too. He was not certain what the mirror was showing him, but at least Hope seemed happy here. They were happy and proud. Sombra seemed greater and more regal than he ever had when he called himself "King Sombra." Hope looked more dignified and strong than any princess. Around them were a number of other ponies, all of which had the same coloring as Sombra. These ponies were looking up to the happy pair as though for guidance, and in reverence. Fortune did not recognize where they were - the land seemed strange and unknown - but it must have suited them. They all seemed so joyful. Who were these ponies? Were they Sombra’s people, and were they not evil? Had Hope been right about Sombra all along? Fallen Fortune did not know. But he had never seen Radiant Hope shine so bright. “Maybe this will happen instead,” he said to himself. “Instead… or after.” Fallen Fortune sat back in his chair. He then looked over to the red stone still sitting upon his desk. It seemed to practically pulsate now, its glow reflecting that of the glorious crystal pony in the mirror. Fortune raised his brows. "Maybe I will see you again someday, Hope. Maybe, even if it takes a thousand years." It was a nice thought. Impossible, perhaps but nice. Still, one had to keep moving forward, hoping for the best. Radiant Hope had taught him that. That, and to never lose faith in the ponies he cared about. And there was really only one pony Fallen Fortune cared about. Fortune got up and grasped the stone in his hoof. He gave the smiling crystal pony in the mirror one last, wistful glance. "Maybe you will fix it all in the end," he said. "I don't know. If any pony can, though, it's you. I believe in you... and I love you." The pony in the mirror faded away. Fortune smiled a little. “Look at me, of all ponies, talking about love. Maybe there is still hope for an old charlatan yet. Yes, that's the word for it. Just like the old saying. Where there’s life, there’s....” Fallen Fortune spoke the last word with a kind of reverence he did not think himself capable of. "Hope." Completum est.