"Ah ain't never done nothin' --"
"Two weeks, Apple Bloom. Wanna try an' make it three?"
Her little sister's hind legs collapsed, and she sat down hard on the hastily-redefended filthy rotunda floor, openly fuming about having been denied the chance at a mark which surely would have manifested if the stupid adults had just left them alone for another five minutes.
"Well? Holdin' on two weeks, Apple Bloom, two weeks goin' once, two weeks goin' twice, gonna be three in a second if y'don't start talkin' an' every word out of your mouth ain't the truth, two weeks one last time, three weeks of bein' grounded sold t' the filly with the mane bow --"
"Ah'll talk."
It was sulky. It was at least one-quarter frustrated growl. But it was also desperate and as sincere as her sibling thought she could get away with faking, and so Applejack settled in for the interrogation.
(It wasn't the only one going on, of course. Rarity had clasped Sweetie Belle's tail between her teeth and hauled the protesting filly to the ramp: words were being used on that incline, and all would have been stinging to anypony who could have been bothered to remember them for more than a minute -- which naturally left the Crusaders out. Meanwhile, for lack of other options, Rainbow had cornered Scootaloo, although 'interrogation' was probably the wrong word for any session which included "So, that one bounce off the road you took where you managed to buzz your wings enough to straighten out your landing -- do you think you can remember exactly what you did?")
"Did y'reach school at'tall? An' before y'answer, remember that Ah can check with Cheerilee."
"Naw. There were lotsa geese. Didn't want t' try an' get past 'em all."
"But y'did manage t' get past enough t' go an' fetch the other two."
"...so?"
"Fifteen days."
Apple Bloom glared at her.
"Sixteen."
"...fine! It was a new kind of bird! An' Ah saw how much trouble everypony was havin' with 'em, so Ah thought a new kind of bird had t' mean a new kind of mark, right? Only makes sense! So Ah went an' got Sweetie Belle an' Scootaloo, we ran 'round for a while tryin' t' figure out where t' start, an' then we -- hid a little when y'all went by, Ah heard Fluttershy sayin' they were geese, so they weren't new, but there was probably still a mark in it, an' we thought we'd clear 'em out! Before y'all did." Defiant to the last, "An' we would've done it too, if it wasn't for some meddlin' sisters!"
"Seventeen."
"Y'ain't bein' fair!"
"Y'skipped school. Ran off t' be in trouble." And, knowing the last words would be forgotten within seconds of passing through heedless ears, "Could've gotten yourself killed, again."
"Nothin' happened!"
Applejack silently reflected on the series of distractions, desperation moves, and outright defiance of probability which had been required to make 'nothin'' finish happening. "Did y'damage anythin'?"
"Nothin'! The geese did it all!"
And Applejack would probably never be able to prove otherwise. "Hurt anypony?"
"Mah mouth kinda aches, an'..."
She listened to the recital for a while and when it started to enter repeats, broke in with "Hurt anypony else?"
"Never even saw nopony after Mr. Flankington stopped flyin' by."
"An' he never saw you?"
"We hid." Half-muttered, "Stupid adults jus' try an' stop important stuff."
"So this mark y'were goin' after -- it was gonna be for..."
"Goose removal."
Which, just like every other part of the idiotic Crusade, had resulted in a total lack of manifests and in this case, if not direct infliction of disaster, probably at least a touch of reinforcement --
-- it hit her.
"Goose removal?"
"Yeah..."
"Y'ain't given any thought t' -- trying t' make 'em stick around?"
"Why would Ah wanna do that?"
Applejack's mouth began to open --
-- NAW! Ah can't! Ah can't go an' weaponize the stupid Crusade!
But still... they were all so good at failure... if she found some way to safely send them out there with a tripled intent of retaining the geese, then the most natural way to get that wrong just had to be chasing them all out of the settled zone...
...right?
Naw. Can't chance it. Not gonna risk her, not gonna risk the other two. An' there's every chance they'd find a way t' fail through succeedin'. Ah don't know how, but if Ah'd trust 'em for anythin', it's t' figure that one out.
Besides, maybe Ah don't ever want nopony t' accuse me of mark-blockin', but Ah'd really rather not find out if that was gonna be it.
"Y'have any luck? Make any of 'em leave?"
"Naw. But... five more minutes, an'..." And the glare was back. "Five sister-free minutes..."
"Nineteen."
"Y'skipped eighteen!"
"An' Ah think Ah might mean moons."
The Crusaders had been locked in a records storage area. Applejack had asked Rarity to tell them it was for their own safety, which was both true and saved Applejack from having to add the part regarding how it was just as much about protecting everypony else.
"Well," Rarity said with a faint smile as she rejoined the others in the rotunda, "neither of us killed them. Again. And with that, I would like to label the day as possessing a single rousing success. Does anypony have any fresh ideas on how to achieve a second?"
They were camped out among the abandoned books: Fluttershy was just nosing the last one closed, having used some of the waiting time for a maybe-I-missed-something-the-last-three-times-really check. "...no, nothing yet..."
"Nothing new," Rainbow challenged. "How about old? Because I had that one idea which nopony would let me try..."
Applejack looked over (and slightly up) to her, took a deep breath, and kicked the words through the fear. "Do it."
Rainbow blinked. "...seriously?"
"Yeah. Jus' be careful 'bout it. When y'get out there, see exactly how high the flyin' ones go, then go higher. Scout the ground from there. Everywhere they are, everywhere they ain't. If'fin they come after you, y'speed up: too many or they start closin' in from multiple directions, y'scramble back here. Ah trust you t' stay ahead of jus' about anythin' except trouble, Rainbow, an' Ah'm askin' you t' put in a little extra try on that last part. Ah can't go with, can't keep up -- so Ah'm gonna trust that you'll listen t' me. Ah want y'back in one piece."
It got her a grin. "You trust me?"
"More than Ah trust Apple Bloom. No stupid risks, all right?"
"Well, if I get to decide just which ones are stupid..."
Softly, "Rainbow -- please?"
They looked at each other for several heartbeats.
"Twilight would have said that too, you know."
"Yeah. An' Ah still ain't Twi. But... Ah think Ah'm startin' t' understand some of what she goes through. It's kind of like having four extra sisters an' one brother who won't listen t' me neither. Get out there. Come back. That's --" she felt her lips quirking into the smile "-- an order."
A hovering Rainbow tossed off an exaggerated false salute, then sped for the door. And Applejack waited on the floor, practicing the hardest part of a leader's job: doing her best not to let the worry show.
"So that really is it," the weather coordinator heavily said, pushing the map closer to Applejack. "There's just one place they're not in. I couldn't find a single goose there. The dam, every last farm, there's a bunch camped out at the construction sites -- the cottage is mostly okay, Fluttershy: your crew's fighting most of them off, that sort of looked like it had been going on for a while -- but one spot in all of Ponyville is completely clear, Applejack. And I got as close as I could trying to make sure of that, until I got chased off -- and I would have stayed longer and double-checked everything, but somepony gave me an order. Which means that if you really want to try this crazy stunt..."
Applejack took a long look at the indicated spot.
"The one place," she reviewed, "which has critters jus' as territorial. Ones which mostly keep t' themselves if they ain't disturbed... but won't move. Won't be moved. Swarm anypony who tries, 'cause they've decided those trees are theirs."
"No kidding."
"By the by -- did y'happen t' see that academic fellow?"
"No." The tone suggested she might not have looked all that hard.
"Do you think the geese are afraid of them?" Rarity cautiously asked. "I recognize that these are animals which can cause more than a little bother on their own, but the geese outmass them by a significant amount. I am having difficulty understanding how the birds would be at risk in a fight."
"...think about the parasprites, Rarity," Fluttershy said. "Or bees -- that's closer. It's not about how big they are: it's about being in the middle of a swarm. When you're big and they're small... it's that many more places they can hit you. There's too many of them to all fight off at once: something will get through. They could lose..."
"So instead of the plan, why don't we just ask them to go out there for us!" Pinkie decided. "We can offer them all their favorite things, or maybe some new homes... okay, they don't want to be moved, but we could build homes in their homes!"
"...I can't." The left eye vanished behind manefall again. "Applejack asked me to try once. And... it's the same problem I have with timber wolves, Pinkie... they're not really animals. They're part plant, and that means I can't understand them. I know something about how they act, but we can't talk..."
"Even if we can make it work, we're talking about setting one problem on another," Spike reminded them. "Rainbow, I think this would be a really good time to start thinking about consequences."
"Shouldn't be any, not long-term," Applejack said. "They'll do what they do every time Ah managed to scare a few out for even a second. Wait until it all stops -- then head straight back for what they keep thinkin' is home. Biggest problem might be keepin' 'em out long enough."
"Applejack -- are you sure?" Spike asked.
"No. Ah ain't. But unless y'want t' try an' fetch Twi, call Canterlot, or go all-out Princess on this, somethin' we ain't never done an' Ah don't wanna start for some dumb birds -- this is what Ah've got. Y'all with me?"
She would have timed the duration of the thoughtful silence, but it didn't last long enough to truly record.
"...yes. I just hope we can make it work," Fluttershy whispered.
Pinkie smiled. "If there's one thing I know how to do, or at least that's what Lyra keeps saying..."
"I'll corral," Spike said. "Rainbow and I as one team. Fluttershy takes the other flank."
"I can nudge a few," Rarity considered. "Their mass is certainly low enough. Snag a number from the ground, force them to stay with the main group... yes, I'll corral as well. Or herd. This should be rather interesting..."
"And you know why I like this idea?" Rainbow rhetorically asked as she grinned. "Because it is a crazy stunt. Applejack, I didn't know you had it in you..."
Neither did Ah. But there were times when crazy was all that was left...
"Then we're doin' it, everypony," Applejack led, and stood up. "We're goin' for the West Orchard."