“I…I don’t know about this, Luna…” said Celestia, as she lay on Luna’s bed.
“Oh come on, Celestia,” said Luna. “It’s not like we have anything better to do.”
“I know, but…I’ve never done…this before,” replied Celestia.
“Wait…” said Luna, staring at Celestia. “Really? But you said-”
“I was making jokes before,” said Celestia. She blushed and said, “This…this is my first time…”
“O-oh…” said Luna. She smiled gently and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll show you what you have to do. Just follow my lead.”
“…Alright,” said Celestia, “I trust you. Just…be gentle. Please?”
Luna smirked and said, “Apologies, sister. But I play rough.” Her horn glowed and a video game controller floated into her grasp.
Celestia, who was lying on her stomach, sighed and grabbed her own controller. “…Did you really buy a game with only five maps?”
Luna, who was sitting on the floor with her back to the bed, quickly said, “Yeah, but the DLC is out now. I just had to pay the price of the full game for the season pass.”
“But you get it all at once, right?” asked Celestia.
“…Well…no…” said Luna. “I have to wait until the developers decide to put the DLC out.”
“That sucks,” said Celestia. “At least you still have the story mode, right?”
“There…uh…there is no campaign mode,” said Luna. “It’s all online multiplayer stuff.”
“…Why did you buy this thing again?” asked Celestia.
“There was a new movie, alright!” yelled Luna. “Now, quit talking and get to shooting!”
“Fine, fine…” said Celestia. She pressed a button on her controller. “Am…am I doing it?”
Luna stared at the screen. “Celestia…you’re just crouching.”
“…Is that good?” asked Celestia.
“Ah!” yelled Luna. “Someone killed me while I was focused on you!”
“What’s he doing?” asked Celestia, staring at the screen. “He’s just crouching on you over and over again.”
“That’s called teabagging,” said Luna. She scoffed and said, “It’s what immature players do to assert dominance over whoever they killed.”
“He’s really going at it,” observed Celestia as she watched the character on screen crouch up and down.
“He’s probably a sad loser with no life,” said Luna. “What’s his username?”
Celestia read the words above the character’s head. “D. Cord?”
There was a flash of light and suddenly thousands of actual tea bags dropped from the ceiling onto Luna, burying her.
Celestia stared at the pile of tea bags and sighed. “Discord.”
There was a puff of smoke and Discord appeared in front of the TV. “How are my favorite princesses holding up?” he asked.
“Fuck you,” said Celestia.
“Maybe later,” said Discord. “I’m awfully busy right now. What with defeating your student and her friends and all.”
“What did you do to Twilight?” asked Celestia, getting up from the bed.
“Relax,” said Discord. “She’s fine. In fact, she and her friends decided to run off to Ponyville. Something about assessing the damage, if I remember correctly.”
Celestia glared at him. “What have you done?”
Discord chuckled. “Nothing much. Just taking the first steps towards saving Equestria is all.”
Luna’s head popped out of the pile of tea bags. “Saving Equestria?” she repeated as she stared at Discord. “What do you mean by that?”
“Sorry, Lulu,” said Discord, “But this conversation is for big kids only.” He snapped his fingers.
Luna’s ears disappeared in a puff of smoke. She blinked and looked at Celestia. “DID IT JUST GET REALLY QUIET IN HERE?!” she yelled.
“Give Luna her ears back!” yelled Celestia.
“WHAT?!” yelled Luna. “SPEAK UP!”
“In due time,” said Discord, “But I wanted to speak with you alone.”
“And what makes you think that I want to speak to you?” snarled Celestia.
“Oh, come on,” said Discord. “Don’t you want to know what I meant when I said I’m saving Equestria?”
“Fine,” said Celestia. “What did you-”
“I know your secret,” interrupted Discord.
Celestia blinked. “…I…I don’t what you’re talking-”
“Yes you do,” interrupted Discord, silencing Celestia. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. That little secret that Starswirl left for you to find.”
“I…” began Celestia, before falling silent.
“It’s funny that you keep saying I’m the bad guy,” said Discord, chuckling. “How do you think Twilight would react if-”
“You can’t tell her!” yelled Celestia. “She could-”
“Oh, what’s wrong?” asked Discord, cutting her off. “What’s the harm in letting her know? I mean, you do trust her, right?”
“Of…of course I trust her,” said Celestia hesitantly. “I just-”
“Ask her for her blind loyalty and to be at your beck and call?” suggested Discord. “Hmm…that seems more along the lines of a weapon than a student, don’t you think?” He shrugged, not waiting for Celestia’s response. “Well, as fun as it is hearing you floundering for excuses, I am a busy man. Can’t keep your student waiting, after all.”
“Wait!” called Celestia. “What are you going to do to Twilight?”
“Worried about her?” asked Discord. He chuckled, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt her. I’m just going to break her and crush her emotionally. Just some harmless fun.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Shit…” muttered Celestia. “What should we do, Luna?” She turned to see Luna furiously pressing buttons on her controller. Looking back at the TV, she saw that Luna had killed Discord’s character and was crouching on him over and over again.
Meanwhile, in Ponyville:
“-and that’s why the Elements have to be back at the library,” explained Twilight as she led the others down the path into Ponyville. “Discord said that the Elements were ‘close to home’. Where else could they be?”
“I don’t know, darling,” said Rarity, frowning. “How do we know Discord was telling the truth?”
“We can’t be sure,” said Twilight, “But we don’t have any other options.” She looked at Pinkie. “If we had your script, we’d be able to find the Elements in a heartbeat.”
“Oh, my script isn’t that accurate…” said Pinkie, laughing nervously. “It only tells me what’s going to happen that day. And where things happen. And who they happen to. And what those ponies had for breakfast, how long they spent in the bathroom, what their long-term goals are, what their credit score is, and…” She blinked. “…But that’s all. Really.”
Twilight stared at her. “…Uh…”
“I’m not a creep, I promise,” said Pinkie quickly. “I haven’t even read about that outfit you wear for that painting in your living room.”
“Moving on!” yelled Twilight.
“If you need any more lingerie,” said Rarity, “I know someone in Canterlot who can...” She trailed off, her eyes going wide. “I-I mean…I don’t know anybody high up in the fashion industry who could possibly help me become a success and move away from Ponyville.”
Twilight turned to stare at Rarity. “What are you-?”
“Don’t leave me,” begged Rarity.
“Ah understand where yer comin’ from, Sugarcube,” said Applejack, patting Rarity’s back. “Friendship is more important than silly things like yer job…or livelihood…or apples…sweet, juicy, delicious apples…” She blinked and quickly wiped her watering mouth. “Ah…Ah mean, who cares about apples, am Ah right?”
Twilight sighed and turned to Fluttershy. “Are you going to act weird too?”
Fluttershy opened her mouth. And then shut it. And then opened it. And then shut it. And then whimpered pathetically.
“Great…” muttered Twilight. She sighed and said, “Let’s just focus on getting to Ponyville. We need to see what Discord did and fix it.”
Applejack squinted as she looked down the path. “…Twilight, you know a lot of spells, right?”
“Yeah,” said Twilight. “Why?”
“You wouldn’t happen to have any to fix that, would ya?” asked Applejack, pointing.
Twilight turned around. Her jaw dropped as she got a good look at Ponyville.
Or what was left of it.
Various buildings were upside down and levitating in the air. The buildings that remained on the ground had been splattered with what looked like a mix of cotton candy and gum. The grass had turned black and white, turning the ground into a chess board. A giant wooden effigy of Twilight had been built in the middle of town. It suddenly caught fire and released clouds of angry bees into the screaming crowds of ponies that were running chaotically through the town.
“NOT THE BEES! NOOOOO!” screamed a stallion as swarms of bees chased after him.
Twilight turned and looked at Applejack. “No. No I do not.”
“It’s about time you all got here,” said a voice. The ponies turned to see Discord, who had a bag of popcorn in his hands. He tossed a few pieces in his mouth and swallowed. “So,” he said, wiping his mouth, “What do you think?”
“You’re a monster,” growled Twilight.
“Interesting,” said Discord. “I’ve always considered myself more of a psychopath than anything.” He threw his popcorn behind him. The bag hit the ground and exploded, leaving a smoking crater near the road. Discord snapped his fingers. A notepad and pencil appeared in his hands and a pair of glasses appeared on his face. “I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’m a little stuck on what to do next,” he said, pressing the pencil to the notepad. “Which do you prefer: famine or pestilence? It’ll be a tough choice, I know. They’re both classics.”
“We’re not helpin’ you!” said Applejack.
“Oh, but you already did!” said Discord, his conjured items disappearing. “Don’t forget, Ponyville’s like this because you all wasted time in that maze.” He waggled his finger at Applejack and said, “Pretty irresponsible if you ask me.” He looked at his wrist, where a doodle of a watch had been scrawled in pen. “And speaking of time, I’m running late for a very important date. Those apples won’t ruin themselves, you know.” He chuckled and disappeared with another puff of smoke.
“Wait…apples?!” said Applejack. “We need to get over to Sweet Apple Acres and-”
“We need to go to the library and find the Elements,” said Twilight.
Applejack glared at Twilight, her face becoming a dark shade of red. “Why?! Because they're more important than mah apples?!”
“Because the Elements can stop Discord,” explained Twilight. “We can fix the damage he’s done after we imprison him again.”
“Oh sure,” said Applejack, “And Ah’m sure that mah orchard we’ll be the last thing that gets fixed, won’t it?!” She turned her head and huffed.
Twilight turned to Fluttershy and asked, “What’s wrong with her?”
Fluttershy looked and Applejack and then back at Twilight. She whimpered pathetically.
“Right…” said Twilight, sighing.
A few minutes later:
Spike was snoring softly as he slept in the armchair, cans of soda littering the floor around him. An adult magazine was clutched tightly in one of his claws, while the other was holding a bag of potato chips. A line of drool was dripping out of Spike’s mouth as he snorted in his sleep.
The door slammed open as Twilight and the others ran into the library.
Spike jerked awake, shouting, “I READ IT FOR THE ARTICLES, I SWEAR!”
“Spike!” said Twilight, running over to him. “Have you seen the…the…” She trailed off as she looked at Spike. “…Is this what you do when we leave you here?”
“Uh…no?” said Spike, quickly tossing the magazine and chips behind him.
“Yes it is,” said Pinkie. “You do this all the time.” Her eyes widened and she quickly added, “Not that I would know! I mean, I may have read it once or twice or ten times in my script, but that’s not…I…” She groaned, walked over to one of the bookshelves, and began banging her head against it. “Stupid…stupid Pinkie…” she muttered.
Spike watched for a moment as Pinkie continued to slam her head against the wooden shelf before turning to Twilight. “Ok, what’s going on?”
“Discord hid the Elements of Harmony and we think they’re here,” said Twilight.
“Uh-huh...” said Spike. He paused for a moment. “…Who the fuck is Discord?”
“He’s a dick,” said Applejack.
“He’s a psychopath,” said Twilight.
“He’s a phenomenal douchebag,” said Rarity.
Fluttershy opened her mouth to comment, thought better of it, and shut her mouth again.
“…That describes, like, 90% of the people we meet,” said Spike.
“He’s the bad guy of the week,” explained Pinkie, as she stopped banging her head against the shelf.
“Oh, why didn’t you just say so?” asked Spike. He hopped off his chair and walked over to Twilight. “So, where do you think the Elements are?”
Twilight frowned as she looked around the room. “I don’t know…they could be anywhere…” She thought for a moment before saying, “I think we should find the book on the Elements. That may help us find them.”
“…How?” asked Spike. “How would a book know where the Elements are now?”
Twilight sighed. “Just shut up and find the book, Spike.”
“That’s easy,” said Spike. He walked over to the ladder by one of the bookcases and climbed it. “It’s just up here collecting dust,” he called down.
“Collecting dust?” repeated Twilight, narrowing her eyes at the dragon on the ladder. “Isn’t one of your chores to dust the books?”
“I can’t hear you all the way up here, Twilight!” lied Spike. “Anyway, the book should be right…here?”
“What’s wrong?” asked Twilight.
Spike climbed down the ladder and said, “The book’s gone! I swear, it was there when I dusted last!”
“…When did you dust last?” asked Twilight.
Spike paused. “…When did we move in again?”
“I know where the book is,” said a voice.
Twilight and Spike looked over at Fluttershy, who squeaked and covered her mouth.
“I’m so sorry!” she said desperately. “I didn’t mean to-”
“Fluttershy, where’s the book?” asked Twilight. “We need it to find the Elements, which we need to fight Discord!”
“No! I didn’t say anything!” lied Fluttershy. “I definitely didn’t see Rarity take the book with her magic!”
“What?!” yelled Twilight, looking at Rarity, whose eyes went wide.
“You little bitch!” yelled Rarity, shooting a glare at Fluttershy. “This is why no one likes you!”
“No one likes me?” whimpered Fluttershy, her lip trembling.
“Rarity, where is my book?!” demanded Twilight.
Rarity laughed nervously. “Oh Twilight, darling, why do you need the Elements? They’re just pieces of gaudy jewelry, right? Ones that would certainly attract the attention of any rich clientele from Canterlot, who would surely whisk me away to a life of high societal success. And who wants that?!” Her eye twitched and she whispered, “I do…I do so much, you don’t even know…”
“RARITY!” yelled Twilight. “Where. Is. THE BOOK?!”
“Hmm?” hummed Rarity, brought out of her whispering. “Oh, I gave it to Applejack.”
“Applejack?!” repeated Twilight. “Why?!”
“Ah’m a big lover of books, Twilight,” said Applejack as Twilight spun to face her, “Ah read all the time. And not just books about apples! Sometimes Ah read books about…” She paused. “Um…Ah get books about…apple seeds?”
Twilight’s eye twitched violently. “Applejack,” she said, forcing herself to stay calm, “May I please have my book back!”
“Sure!” said Applejack.
“Ok,” said Twilight calmly. “Then let me have it.”
“You’ll have to wait until Pinkie’s done with it,” said Applejack.
Twilight inhaled through her gritted teeth. She slowly turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie, why do you have my book?”
“I wanted to read it to take my mind off this whole Discord thing,” explained Pinkie, “But it was so boring! My script is much more exciting!” She paused. “…Not that my script is the only thing I read. I read cookbooks sometimes too and-” A purple glow suddenly surrounded Pinkie’s jaw, closing it shut.
“Pinkie,” growled Twilight, her horn glowing, “Where the fuck is my book?”
Pinkie silently pointed her hoof at Fluttershy.
Twilight turned to face the pegasus, the glow in her horn disappearing. “Fluttershy?!” she screeched. “Have you had the book this whole time?!”
“Not the whole time,” said Fluttershy. “Pinkie gave it to me when you started interrogating Rarity.”
“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE TO ME?!” screamed Twilight.
“I was going to wait to give it to you so you’d like me more,” explained Fluttershy, holding the book out to Twilight. “Did it work?”
Twilight stuffed her hooves in her mouth and let out a muffled scream of rage.
“…Was that a ‘yes’?” asked Fluttershy.
Twilight took her hooves out of her mouth and breathed deeply. “…No,” she replied calmly, grabbing the book from Fluttershy.
“O-oh…” said Fluttershy, her eyes watering. “Th-that’s fine, that’s fine…it’s not like I need your approval make me feel good about myself or anything…” She let out a small sob.
“Great,” said Twilight, turning her back on Fluttershy. She set the book down and opened it. Golden light shone in her eyes as she turned to the middle of the book. Squinting, Twilight gasped as she saw that the Elements of Harmony were resting inside the book.
“Finally!” said Twilight as she looked down at the Elements. Her horn started to glow, causing the Elements to rise from the book and float in the air. She turned to the others and said, “Now we can beat Discord!”
“Uh…I don’t know, Twilight…” said Rarity, eyeing her own Element. “These things are just bright and shiny enough to raise our social standing, which may tear us all apart. Wouldn’t it be better to just forget about the whole thing?”
“Well, Ah’m ready to give that Discord a piece of my mind!” said Applejack. She looked at her Element, where the apple-shaped jewel shone in the light. “Uh…actually…maybe Ah could use someone else’s Element? Like Pinkie’s?”
“That won’t work,” said Twilight. “Pinkie needs her own Element.” She turned to look at the other pony. “Right, Pinkie?”
Pinkie laughed nervously. “How would I know? It’s not like I read it in some sort of omniscient script or anything!” Her eyes darted around the room, unable to meet anyone’s gaze.
“Fighting Discord sounds like it could get violent,” said Fluttershy. She began to laugh maniacally before cutting herself off. She cleared her throat awkwardly and said, “I…I don’t think fighting him is such a great idea…”
“Fluttershy, that is just some fantastic input,” said Twilight sarcastically, “But we need to stop Discord now!” Using her magic, Twilight put the necklaces on each of her friends’ necks. She put her big crown thingy on her head and started walking towards the door.
“Wait!” said Spike, holding the Element of Loyalty. “Where’s Rainbow Dash? She needs hers.”
“Rainbow isn’t here, Spike,” said Twilight. “We don’t have time to wait for her.”
“But without her, the Elements aren’t complete!” replied Spike.
Twilight thought for a moment. She reached over and put the Element around Spike’s neck. “Congratulations, you’re the new Rainbow Dash.”
“I am?” asked Spike, looking down at the necklace. “I mean…this is so sudden. What’s my motivation?”
“It’s Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight as she rolled her eyes, “She’s not that complicated. Just talk in innuendos and mention that you want to sleep with the Wonderbolts every once in a while.”
“But I don’t want to sleep with the Wonderbolts!” said Spike. “I want to sleep with Rarity!”
“What was that?” asked Rarity.
“I mean, what? That was weird,” said Spike, laughing nervously. He began to push Twilight out of the library. “Come on! That Discord isn’t going to beat himself, you know?”
Twilight quickly opened the door to the library before Spike could shove her into it. When everyone else had exited the building, Twilight shut the door and said, “Ok. Now all we have to do is find Discord and use the Elements to stop him.”
“Do you really think it will be that easy?” asked a voice.
Everyone turned to see Discord floating in the air a few feet away from them. “Congratulations to all of you!” he said happily. “You found the Elements! Now all you have to do is use the…” He cleared his throat and suddenly spoke in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice, “‘Magic of Friendship’ to beat me.”
“We will use the Magic of Friendship to beat you!” yelled Twilight. She paused. “…Man, that really sounded more impressive in my head…”
“Well, alright…” said Discord, his voice back to normal. “You win. I know when I’m outmatched.” He snapped his fingers and a bullseye appeared on his chest. He sniffed and wiped a tear out of his eye. “J-just do me a favor? Make it quick.” He put his hands behind his back and shut his eyes.
“Girls!” said Twilight. “Formation Alpha Epsilon Texas!”
There was a pause.
“What?” asked Spike.
“What the fuck is that?” asked Applejack.
Twilight sighed and said, “Just concentrate on wasting this fucker, okay?”
The ponies (and Spike) closed their eyes. White light began glowing around them…before immediately fizzling out.
Spike opened his eyes and said, “Um…Twilight?”
“Not now, Spike!” said Twilight, her eyes closed tightly. “Just concentrate!”
Spike watched as Discord opened his eyes. “Twilight!”
“Concentrate!” said Twilight.
Discord grabbed the bullseye from his chest and tossed it behind him. He walked up to Twilight and snapped his fingers, causing her to float up to his eye level.
“I think it’s working!” said Twilight.
“Twilight! Open your eyes!” yelled Spike.
Twilight opened her eyes to see Discord’s amused expression. “…Spike?”
“Yeah?” asked Spike, backing away along with the other girls.
“I no longer think it was working,” finished Twilight.
“Ya think?” asked Discord, plucking Twilight’s Element off her head. He snapped his fingers again, and Twilight fell to the ground. “Well…you ladies certainly did your best. Gave it the old college try.” He absently picked his teeth with the Element of Magic. “Unfortunately, it just wasn’t enough.”
“I don’t understand…” said Twilight. “Why didn’t it work?”
“Hmm…” hummed Discord, pretending to think. “Well, firstly, I don’t think you can replace an Element Bearer with one of your friends.” He looked over at Spike and said, “Nothing against you, mind you. You make an excellent Rainbow Dash.”
“I do?” asked Spike.
“Yes,” said Discord. “And I totally get why you’d want to pretend to be a pony. It must be hard…never fitting in…being different from every dragon you meet.” He looked Spike over and said, “Not a real pony and not a real dragon. You don’t belong anywhere; do you Spike?”
“I…what?” asked Spike.
“Anyway, back to the matter at hand…” said Discord, turning his gaze back to Twilight. “Hmm…well, you’d think that 5 out of 6 Elements would do the job perfectly, wouldn’t you? I guess the only explanation is that…no, that can’t be…”
“What is it?” asked Twilight.
“Well…I hate to say this, Twilight, really I do…” said Discord, a smug grin on his face. “But I think the reason why the Elements didn’t work is that…well…your friends aren’t your friends anymore.”
“You’re wrong!” said Twilight. “We’re still friends. We’ll find Rainbow Dash and be back to stop you!”
“Really?” said Discord, smirking. He looked at the area behind Twilight and asked, “Who’s this we you’re talking about?”
Twilight turned to look behind her…and her jaw dropped. Her friends were nowhere to be seen. All that was left were their Elements, all piled together in the dirt.
“Yeah,” continued Discord, “They all walked away while you were arguing with me. Some friends, huh?”
“B-but…” said Twilight, still staring at the pile of Elements.
“Oh come on, Twilight,” said Discord. “So your friends all abandoned you. I’m sure you’ve studied some sort of spell that can make them all come back, right?”
“I…I don’t…” said Twilight.
“Well gosh and golly-gee, isn’t that just a shame?” said Discord. He scoffed and said, “So much for Celestia’s prize student, huh? Can’t even bring her friends back…”
“…You’re right…” muttered Twilight.
“No he’s not!” said Spike. He ran to Twilight and said, “Come on, we need to go get the others back!”
“Why?” asked Twilight. “We can’t beat Discord.”
“Glad to see you’re learning,” said Discord, reaching down to ruffle Twilight’s hair. “Now if you’ll excuse me, kids, Uncle Discord’s got some big plans for this place! You’re gonna love it! And if not, who cares?!” He laughed and snapped his fingers, disappearing in smoke.
“Asshole,” muttered Spike. He turned to Twilight, only to see her make her way back to the library. “Twilight! Wait!” He ran after her, only pausing to pick up the fallen Elements. When he grabbed the final Element, he turned around to see Twilight shut the library door behind her, the Element of Magic abandoned on the ground.
Spike walked over and picked up the Element of Magic. “There’s got to be some way to convince Twilight to get her friends back…” he muttered to himself. He looked at the Elements in his hands, examining each of them. As he stared at the Element of Laughter, a thought came to his head. “I’ve got it!” said Spike. He opened the library door and dropped the Elements inside. Closing the door again, Spike turned and ran into town. He had a plan.