Two mares are talking at a local diner. They look out the window in front of them and see a police cruiser speeding towards the diner. It turns sharply, and rolls into the restaurant, smashing the front windows, taking out the couple, the entire store front, and knocking over several tables and chairs. The cruiser rolls a few times but stops completely upright. Jack gets out and stares at the cashier menacingly. The cashier stands there with brown fur and a light brown mane. He has a white button up shirt on, with red stripes.
He finally finds the courage to speak.
“Wh...what are you doing?!” he cries in an annoying congested voice like the guy sitting next to me on the bus as I write this who needs to stop reading over my shoulder.
Jack smirks and shakes his head.
“Oh don’t act innocent with me criminal. “ Jack shoots the cashier and several customers. The other three ponies scream and flee the store. Jack walks out of the restaurant, turns around, shoots the gas tank on his cruiser, and walks away in slow motion as the car explodes. Jack’s cellphone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and puts it on speaker, expecting to be congratulated.
“Hey chief, don’t worry I took care of that drug cartel already.”
The chief sounds extremely concerned.
“Um...Jack I actually gave you the wrong address…”
Jack looks around at the crowd nervously. He sees a teal foal with a white mane. He grabs the kid, drags him to the store, and pistol whips him. As the foal lays there unconscious, Jack places a pair of aviators on his eyes, pins his badge to him, and sets his gun next to the foal’s hoof. Jack walks off quickly, his head darting to the left and right suspiciously.
Jack pulls up to the candy shop an hour later. He sees the chief talking with a few officers.
Jack walks up to the chief badassinteriously.
“What do we got?” He says, while putting his hands on his hips and sweeping his gray suit coat backwards. The chief sighs sadly.
“Some poor misguided foal shot up the store after apparently stealing a cop car.” Jack shakes his head disappointingly.
“Damn kids.” He mutters. Jack looks over and sees several camera crews filming. He pulls out a bottle of hair gel and slicks his hair down.
A mare and her husband walk up to the chief, they’re both purple. They glance over at Jack before addressing the chief.
“Um sir...actually we saw this guy shoot up the place then put all his stuff on some random child he tried to frame.” The chief and other cops stare at Jack. Other members of the crowd courageously start agreeing with the mare’s testimony out loud.
Jack looks around awkwardly. Jack pistol whips the mare. As she lays there unconscious, Jack places a pair of aviators on her eyes, pins his badge to her, and sets his gun next to the mare’s hoof. Jack walks off quickly, his head darting to the left and right suspiciously.
Jack Stoooooooone!
Princess Cadence sits in the passenger seat of Jack Stone’s cruiser, as they travel down the interstate.
Cadence sighs with annoyance.
“All I’m saying Jack is you might try using just a little more tact when approaching a problem!”
Jack laughs and shakes his head.
“Look, if it can’t be solved with bullets, then it’s not a real problem.”
Cadence narrows her eyes and looks over at Jack
“So you’re saying stubbing your toe isn’t a real problem…” she says sarcastically.
Jack cocks an eyebrow.
“You can solve stubbed toes with bullets.”
Cadence sighs.
“By doing what? Shooting your nail?”
Jack pulls out his pistol, looks at Cadence and taps the side of his head with the barrel a few times, while giving her a serious stare.
Cadence gets a horrified look.
“So your solution to stubbing your toe is to shoot yourself?! What would you do if you ran out of bullets then?!"
Jack pulls out a second pistol, and keeps staring at Cadence. Cadence crosses her forearms.
"Okay and when you run out of that?"
Jack pulls off the steering wheel, revealing a shotgun barrel sticking out of the car. The car starts turning left and right. Jack puts the steering wheel back.
"Sorry..." he mutters.
Cadence stares at him
"I gotta ask, what happens when you get into a car accident seeing as how your air bag is replaced with a shotgun?" she says condescendingly.
Jack glares at her and pulls out a pistol.
"Do we have a problem here?"
Cadence looks around at the other cars.
"Okay, that blue car right there. The filly in the back has a broken arm. What would you do for him?"
Jack looks at the filly and glares. Jack cocks his pistol then stares at Cadence.
"Take the wheel." he says dramatically. Jack puts both hands on his pistol. Before he fires, Cadence screams, grabs the wheel and they start veering all over the road.
Jack falls back into the driver's seat, accidentally pulls the trigger and blows a hole in his roof. He looks in the rear view mirror and sees shards of red plastic falling off the car.
There’s an awkward silence for a few minutes.
Cadence stutters a bit.
“Did...did you just blow a hole in your roof?!”
“Um...no?” Jack rubs the back of his neck. Cadence glares at him.
“Yes you did! I just saw you!”
Jack looks around nervously.
“No it was um...aliens.”
Cadence gets an annoyed look.
“Aliens just appeared in your car, shot a hole in the roof, and left without me seeing them…”
Jack nods his head assuringly.
“Sounds about right.” Jack rolls down his window and sticks both his head and pistol out the window.
“Damn you aliens!” Jack starts firing into the air wildly.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Have you even taken a basic gun safety course?!” Cadence screams at him.
Jack laughs condescendingly and pulls out a slip of paper from his wallet, then hands it to Cadence. It says “Certified badass” on it. Cadence turns it over, and the other side is a random clipping from a newspaper.
Cadence sighs.
“Jack, I don’t know anything about certifications, but this is clearly bullshit. And you seriously couldn’t even afford printer paper?!”
Jack gets offended.
“Hey! I didn’t spend an hour searching google so I could print that out just to hear your sass! Also it’s Dr. Stone! I spent $900 and twelve hours to get my fungineering degree, and I won’t be talked down to by some princess!”
Cadence glares at Jack menacingly, gets a few inches away from his face and lets out an angry horse snort.
Jack stares back and swallows nervously.
“Wanna make out?”
Cadence turns around, and kicks Jack with her hind legs. Jack hits the driver door so hard, it and Jack both go flying out into the highway, colliding with the median.
Cadence teleports to a candy shop. She waits for several minutes before Jack gets off a nearby bus, with his suit torn to shreds. He walks up to Cadence angrily. He removes his aviators that now have a missing lens, looks them over, and tosses them aside. Jack pulls out another pair of aviators and puts them on. He starts screaming in agony, holds his eyes, and falls to the ground. While he's rolling around, he starts crying out.
"Oh God! Those lenses were cracked too! The shards are in my eyes! Sweet Jesus this is so painful!”
Cadence sighs and rolls her eyes. Her horn glows as Jack gets healed. Jack turns to face her, still lying on the ground. He props his head up with one arm, and lets the other one drape down his side.
“Well, I got something else you can cast your magic on if you want.” Jack says suggestively. Cadence reaches over and crushes his aviators into his eyes with her hoof. He starts rolling around on the sidewalk again, screaming while covering his face.
Cadence walks into the candy store and looks around happily.