//------------------------------// // There's Nothing Going On Here // Story: Monty Python's My Little Pony // by moviefreak523 //------------------------------// Today is a beautiful day as Twilight Sparkle heads up to Sweet Apple Acres. Once she arrived, she sees her good friend, Applejack, seemingly at work with bucking the apples. "Hello, Applejack," Twilight said. "What?" the orange mare turns around, looking at the unicorn with wide eyes. "What do you want?" "Applejack? Are you okay?" "What are you doing here?" The unicorn looks at her friend with a confused look. "Huh? Applejack, is there something wrong?" The orange earth pony stares at her for a few seconds. "Oh, T-Twilight. That you?" "Uh, yeah, Applejack. It's me." "Oh, good. Sorry about that, sugercube." "It's okay. Are you expecting somepony?" "Yeah. I MEAN, NO!" Twilight immediately raise an eyebrow. "What?" "I'm not expecting nopony." "So you are expecting somepony?" "No." "But, you said-" "I made a mistake." "Okay." "So, what brings you here, Twilight?" "Well, I was hoping to get some apples." "Oh, I'm afraid that you came to the wrong place." Twilight raised her eyebrows again, even higher than before. "What?" "We don't sell apples here." "You don't sell apples?" "That's correct. Bye." The orange mare quickly pushes the bewildered unicorn back towards the entrance. "But, you do sell apples here." "No, we don't." "Yes, you do." "I think you are mistaken this farm for somepony's else farm. Bye." "But, there's a sign that says 'Sweet Apple Acres.'" "That? That's, uh...that's a...uh...what's that word that means to describing one thing to another?" "A simile?" "Yeah, that's right. It's just a simile. Bye." She continues to push with more vigor. "But, what are you comparing it to?" "Oh, you know, fruit." "But, apple is a fruit." "Yeah, so?" "So, that would make it a metaphor." Applejack stops, looking at the unicorn with confusion. "A meta-what?" "Ugh. A simile is when you compare two unlikely things using the words 'like' or 'as' to describe one from the other. A metaphor is the description of something that it is." ... ... "Got'cha. Bye." She resume her pushing. "Wait a minute. If you are not selling apples, then what the heck are these?" Twilight pick up several red and green questionable pieces of food off the ground, showing them to the orange mare. "Oh, those? Those, uh..." she looks at the ground, which is littered with apples, "those, uh..." she looks at the baskets, most filled with apples, "those, uh..." she looks at the hundred of trees surrounding them, all of the them holding hundreds of delicious apples, "...apples?" "Yes, apples." ... ... ... "They're all sold." Twilight release her magical hold on the apples, dropping them to the ground. "What?" "Yep, we've sold them all." "All of them?" "Yep, all of them. Every single one of them." Twilight looks at all of the apples are still in the trees. "To who?" "Uh, somepony. Bye." The orange mare starts pushing the unicorn through the entrance. "Well, can I just get a couple of apples? I'm sure they won't miss it, and I can still pay for them." "Sorry, Sugercube, no can do. Why don't you go down to Applelossa? They've got plenty of different kinds of apples, and they are mighty more delicious than our crabby apples." "But, that's a three day journey from here." "Well, that's what the train's for, silly." "That is by train." "Well, that'll give you plenty of time to decide what kind of apple you want. Bye." Twilight digs her hooves into the ground, trying to slow down Applejack's progress. "Wait a minute, Applejack. I was sent here to get some apples." Without warning, Applejack bites down on Twilight's tail, swing her across, and release her. Twilight did not have enough time to perform any magic as she slams into the dirt ground. Dazed and confused, Applejack walks up to the purple unicorn, whose eyes are spinning around their sockets. "You were sent here?" the farm pony asked, unexpected this turn of events. "Well, that plum near changes everything. Alright." Twilight got out of her dazed, then she looks up at her orange friend, wondering what is going to happen. Applejack clears her throat before continuing on. "Well, this year's apple season has turned out pretty well, I say. The soil here is so fresh that we might even get a few...mangos." The orange mare, then, gives her unicorn friend a wink, aimed at her. Twilight looks at her friend, confused by her gesture. "What?" Applejack quickly nods her head very excitedly as if this was what she expected. "What?" Twilight asked again, even more confuse. Applejack pulls, seemingly a little disappointed. "I said," she repeated the phrase, this time enunciating each word, "'Well, this year's apple season has turn out pretty well, I say. The soil here is so fresh that we might even get a few...mangos.'" Twilight raised her eyebrow up high as Applejack gives her several winks. "What are you talking about?" The orange mere nods even more excitedly, saying, "Yes, yes. Now, finish the rest." The purple unicorn looks at her friend with annoyance. "Finish what?" Confused, Applejack replied, "Weren't you suppose to say 'What are you talking about? There ain't a mango tree within 500 Equestrian trots from here. You be lucky to get a pear tree.'" It was Twilight's turn to give a confused look. "I was?" "Well, you did say that you were sent here." "Yes, I was." "Well, who sent you here, then?" "That nice, old mare who lives on Candy Cane Lane." "Did she have two peg legs and an hook on one hoof?" "Yeah, and she also has a parrot." "Did she carry it on her right shoulder or left shoulder?" "Uh...her right one." Applejack makes a face that looks as though she had made a fatal mistake. "Ah, shoot. Well, it was nice talking to you, Twilight. Bye." She proceeds with pushing the unicorn out. "Wait just a minute," Twilight said, stopping Applejack from pushing her out. "There's something going on here, is there?" "What?," Applejack cried, shock painted all over her face. "W-What gave you that silly idea?" "The fact that you kept insisting that you don't sell apples, then you revealed that you have all of your apples sold to some mysterious pony, then you kept trying to push me out of the farm, and then you tried to get me to say some crazy code that I was suppose to say. "Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that there is something going on here at this farm." "No, there isn't." "Yes, there is." "No, there isn't." "Yes, there is." "No, there isn't" "Yes, there is." "No, there isn't" "Yes, there is." "No, there isn't." "Yes, there is." "Uh...yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there is." "Yes, there...wait a minute." "Yes, there is." "SHUT UP!" Applejack shut her lips up, taken a bit back from the outburst. "Thank you," Twilight said politely. "Now, you just said 'Yes, there is.'" "Yeah. So?" "So, that means that you, admittedly, acknowledged my suspicions that there is something going on here." ... ... "No, there isn't." "Oh, come on!" "Okay, look, Twilight, I can prove to you that there is nothing going on in this here farm, alright?" The orange earth pony turns around, looking straight at the barn. "HEY, BIG MACINTOSH! IS THERE ANYTHING HAPPENING IN THIS HERE FARM?" A large, red, stallion runs out the entrance of the barn, holding a shotgun in his hooves. "Eenope," he said before running back into the barn. "There, you see, there is nothing going on here. Bye." Twilight looks at the barn entrance where Big Macintosh was with a big gasp from her mouth. "What the hey was he holding?" "Oh, uh, just a shotgun," Applejack said as she tries to guide the unicorn out, but to no avail. "A shotgun?" "Yep." Twilight continues to look at the barn entrance as if the red stallion is still there, holding the weapon in his hooves. "Why would he need a shotgun for?" "Oh, you know." Silence rang in between the two ponies. "No, I don't know." "Well, now, you do. Bye." "Wait, Applejack. Look, I really don't care what is going on here. All I want is to get a few apples." "And, if I give you some, will you go away." "Yes." "Pinkie Pie Promise?" "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-" she stabs her eye with her hoof, again. "OWWWW!! DAMN IT!!" "That never gets old," the orange mare said, giggling as Twilight tries to heal her eye. "Okay, then, what kind of apples would you like to have?" After she finishes massages her injured eye, she looks at a couple of baskets, eyeing some of the red ones. "Oh, I like to have a couple of those Pink Ladies, if you don't mind?" Applejack looks at the two light reddish apples sitting on top of the pile in the basket, and she looks back Twilight, who is waiting a bit impatiently for them to come to her. The orange mare closes her eyes half-way as she points her eyes at the unicorn as if to burn holes into her head. "That was mighty sneaky of you there, Twilight." Confuse, Twilight said, "What?" Out of nowhere, Applejack pulls her own shotgun and points the double barrels at her friend. "How did you know about them Pink Ladies that I have right there?" "What...I...just...What are doing? Have you lost your bucking mind?" "How did you know I was growing Pink Ladies, huh? Answer me!" "I just saw them right there." "And, how did you know what they are?" "I read about them." "A likely story." "No, I'm serious." "A librarian who happens to read a book about different types of apples?" "Well, I admit, it was a bit bland, but, at least, it was informative-" "Shut your trap, you! I'm on to you! No pony is going to steal my Pink Ladies, and that's final!" "Hold it right there, AJ!" a raspy voice calls out from behind. "I-I-If you don't mind," a meek voice said after. "Holy Snapple!" In shock, Applejack drops her shotgun, where it hits the ground and let off a big bang, barely missing the purple unicorn. "RD and FS! What are you doing here?" Applejack said, raising her hooves up in the air, joining Twilight as the two pegasus marches up to them. Both Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are wearing black, leather jackets, with the cyan pegasus sporting sunglasses while has some kind of lightning bolt tattoo running down her in the middle of left eye (but, I'm pretty sure it's just a fake one.). "We're here about the Pink Ladies that you have stash here, as well as the Golden Delicious that you have hiding somewhere on this farm." "What the hay is going on here?" Twilight asks as she looks at her two friends who are marching menacingly (well, at least, Rainbow Dash is) towards her and Applejack. "There's nothing going on here," Applejack said. "I'm starting to find that less convincing as this goes on." The two pegesus are not surrounding Applejack, seemingly ignoring Twilight as she watches them. "Now, then," Rainbow Dash said, her face up to the farm pony, "where are those Pink Ladies?" "You think I'm just going to tell you that they're in the basement of my house, on the right side of the circuit breaker?" "No, but we have ways of making you talk." Twilight looks at the two ponies with a confused stare. "But, she just told you where they are." ... ... "Oh," Rainbow Dash, a bit incredulous about it. "Wow, that was a lot easier then I thought." "And, a lot less violent then you planned it to be," Fluttershy remarked, seemingly grateful for it. Applejack lets out a frustrated growl as she throws daggers at Twilight with her eyes. "Gosh darn it, Twilight! Why did you have to tell them where they are?" "Me? You were the one who told them where they are. I'm just pointing out how silly this is getting to be." "Look, I've got everything under control, so why don't you just go away and read a book?" "Not until I find out just what is going on here." "Which you won't 'cause there isn't anything going on here." "Alright, then," Rainbow Dash said as she walks up to Applejack. "Now that we have established the location of your precious Pink Ladies, we'll get you to spill where you are hiding the Golden Delicious." "You'll never get me to tell you that I have them hiding in-OWWWW!!!" Applejack screams from the strike from behind the head by Twilight. "What the hey was that for?" "You were about to them where they are!" "No, I wasn't." "Oh, like that you didn't tell them that the Pink Ladies are hiding in your basement, on the right side of the circuit breaker?" "Oh, that was supposed to be a rouge." "Really?" "Yeah. There suppose to be on the left side of the circuit breaker." ... ... ... "Mind if I borrow that shotgun, Applejack?" "Enough talk," Rainbow Dash said, shutting the two ponies up. "Now, then, where are the Golden Delicious?" "I'll never tell you!" 'Oh, now you decided not to tell them? By Celestia's Beard, I need new friends.' "Fine by me. I'll make you tell me!" With that, the cyan pegesus waves each of her hooves in front of the orange mare, who shakes her head back and forth in time with the pegasus's swing. Twilight grab a hold of the shotgun with her magic, ready to use it when necessary. Rainbow Dash stops, looking at her hooves as if there is something wrong with them. She then turns around and looks at the yellow pegasus. "Hey, Fluttershy, what are you doing?" "Sorry?" "You're supposed to do that thing." Fluttershy was confuse for a few seconds until it dawn on her. However, she seems unenthusiastic about it. "Oh, I don't know, Rainbow Dash. I mean, Applejack is our friend-" "Just do it!" Dropping to the ground and letting out a cute squeak, Fluttershy let's out a tiny "Okay," before regaining her stance. The cyan pegasus turns back to Applejack who is waiting patiently. "Sorry about that. Mind if we back track a bit?" "I don't mind." Twilight cocks the shotgun. "Okay, then," Rainbow Dash lets in a deep breath of air, as if calming herself for an interview with the Wonderbolts. "Now, then, where are the Golden Delicious?" "I'll never tell you!" "Fine by me! I'll make you talk!" Rainbow Dash repeated the swinging of her hooves in front of Applejack's face, who, again, swings her head in time with the cyan pegasus's swings. At the same time, Fluttershy provided the sound effects as she times the "hits" with the clop of her hooves. Twilight now sticks the barrel up to her temple. 'Buck this fanfic and this author in the flank.' And she pulls the trigger. Author's Note: This sorry, poor excuse of an author would like to give his apology for the poor quality of this chapter's contents. He would also like to extend that apology for the erupt ending. He would also like to extend that apology for the length of time it took for this to come out and be published. And, he regrets to inform you that he has lost complete interest in the story and will put it in the cancel status, as much as he very much hates the idea. The reasons for this unforgivable crime is a combination of a stressful situation in his personal life, a lack of a computer for him to log on to the internet, the seemingly disinterest from the internet community, and his ultimate desire to write a clopfic. What? Everypony's doing it. So, to the twenty idiots, I mean, wonderful bronies who faved this story, I am truly sorry. And, to all of the people who have read it and didn't even bother leaving a comment, shame on you. This is all your fault. You fucking basterds! How dare you click on my story, read it, and not leave a goddamn comment?!? Oh, you don't have time to? Well, fuck you, you bunch of assholes! You heartless, evil, rotten bunch of assholes! Here I am, slaving over this computer, trying to give you the best story I can, by combining two the greatest shows to ever grace the spectrum of television, and you have the balls, the BALLS, to read my story and not...leave...a...FUCKING...COMMENT?!? I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU NAZI WORSHIPPER!!! Anyway, story's done and you guys suck. Now, PISS OFF!!!