The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

That's Show Business

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A/N: Oh, right. I occasionally make ponies fight other ponies. That is a thing.
May contain slight spoilers for Friendship is Magic, Season 5 "Canterlot Boutique" and Season 6 "No Second Prances".
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and DHX Media.
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Can we possibly fit in the same building as these ponies' egos?

Magic is the art of deception through illusions to create the desired effect. Though many fantasy elements use it as a form of power and raw destructive force, few have made it display to an entire audience of peers. It's all in the presentation.

Up is down and your blessings are your curses. Buy gold now!

... No.

What? Why didn't it work?

First of all, you can't use illusion magic. Secondly, I have a cybernetic filter over my eye. Science trumps magic. But as for today's illusionists, we have the self-proclaimed Great and Powerful Trixie.

She'll be going against the marketing, red-carpet puller of Canterlot Boutique, Sassy Saddles.

While other ponies in their universe have more direct fighting approaches, which of these two could outlast the other in a battle of misdirection and spectacle?

He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Trixie
-Unicorn
-A performing magician by trade
-Travels everywhere in a wagon (unconfirmed whether or not she lives in it)
-Does not trust wheels
-Parlor tricks: Fireworks, flowers, rope "snake"
-Casual attire: Cape and wizard's hat
-At one point in concept development, was going to be a male character
-(Redacted)Alicorn Amulet powers: Teleportation, age spell, weather manipulation, dome summoning, whip cracking, feathers of death, agonizing pain spell(Redacted)

Alright, let's introduce this character for the umpteenth time.

For those of you that missed the beginning of this season of Death Battle, shame on you. However, we'll briefly cover the important tidbits of the unicorn that claims 'highest level' and 'Great and Powerful'. Inspired by Hoof-dini, (Seriously, that's the name they're going with?) Trixie spent her life practicing show magic. This type of magic focuses on illusion, misdirection, and high quality presentation.

Unlike the useful kind that can move the sun and moon, blast enemies, and foil the schemes of villains, Trixie's magic is meant for showing off.

B, that's rude. Tricking your opponent with displays of magic can be useful too.

Oh, yeah? It's called "Friendship is Magic", not "The Trixie Show".

Anyway, Trixie can levitate several objects at a time with her magic. Her favorite tools of the trade tend to focus around fireworks, smoke bursts, cards, flowers, and ropes. Each of which can be used as a distraction while her other tools can catch her opponents off guard.

She can also scare ponies with a thunder cloud which is meant more for noise rather than being painful.

Some of her greatest tricks include turning a rainbow into a small, physical tornado, giving Twilight's animal circus a flashy finish, and being shot out of a cannon face-first into the belly of a pony-eating manticore and surviving.

But that last one doesn't really say much since that was Starlight Glimmer's teleport spell that managed to free her from being digested. I mean, the only time Trixie's ever managed to legit teleport was when she had succumbed to an evil Alicorn Amulet, but she kind of gave it up for... a zebra's doorstop.

Which brings us to some of her downfalls. Trixie has admitted that she is jealous of Twilight's stronger magic. She even let her fixation of beating Twilight deafen her to her word choice around Starlight, nearly leading her to lose her first friend.

She also distrusts wheels for some reason... even though her wagon has wheels.

Humbled or greedy, blue or red, she'll keep reminding her peers and her audience that they'll never be able to top the amazingly show-stopping ability that is the Great and Powerful Trixie.

"That's a... bit of a mouthful."

"It's a working title."

Sassy Saddles
-Unicorn
-Marketing manager at several fashion boutiques
-Knows how to make a sales pitch and garner attention toward a single point
-Has a tendency to claim hard work where it mostly belongs to her higher ups
-Is rather attracted to the front-stage spotlight
-Strategies involve maneuvering lights, backgrounds, and the dresses on display
-Does not appreciate puns such as "The Reign in Stain"
-Most of her previous work positions ended up driving the involved businesses to fail

At first glance, this pony looks it might just be a recoloring of Fleur, who in turn was just a wingless Season 1 Luna.

But there's more to this unicorn than just being yet another side character.

Sassy Saddles was hired on as Rarity's marketing manager in the extended Boutique opened in Canterlot. Her résumé included several managing positions in other fashion businesses all over.

Buy our T-shirts!

Sassy is adept at pitching a sale to the crowd and drawing attention towards the best-looking items in the product line. Aided by her natural levitation, her usual tools involve a spotlight, mannequins, outfits of all designs, and fabric and/or wallpaper backdrops that accentuate the dresses in just the right way.

Like our favorite nerdy main character, Saddles has a schedule laid out and down to the last possible picture. Once she gets rolling on it, it's almost impossible to change her mind and course. She knows how to bring in customer orders and keep them coming.

However, this can also work against her. She often forgets who is actually in charge of the business she is working for and neglects potential interest that customers might have had for the other items on display. This can lead to overworked and uninspired bosses, and usually ends with a pinned item for mechanical assembly lines that are good for quick and easy jobs, but not so good for customer specifications.

Sassy really likes taking the credit for hard work that isn't one hundred percent hers. She even got carried away, trying to claim Rarity's boutique for herself until good ol' Rares grew the balls to threaten to close the boutique just to remind everyone who was really the top dog, er... pony.

The actual reason that Sassy had so many previous positions was because each of those businesses had actually shut down. Most likely, her focus on the market and neglect for the other departments' conditions led to unbalanced priorities which led to the business owners feeling like they had no choice but to close.

Still, she was pretty darn good at playing the silver tongue for a while, making it seem like she was the only one doing the hard work and guilt-tripping other ponies to try and uphold promises that they really weren't mentally and/or physically prepared to meet. Hell, she might even be able to do the impossible: convincing a girl to stay with W for three whole hours.

... You know, this is getting a little too personal.

Let's see if she can't talk her way out of this battle.

"I've already put a pin in the first piece of the pattern."

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a stage-diving Death Battle!

Cue camera zooming into the city of Canterlot. A few more clicks of the camera lead to the sight of a fashionable building. Rarity is busy dropping off a few more unique designs before waving to a customer. Shortly after, she gives a quick nod to her hired help before trotting toward the exit. The boutique's bell rings. This new entry's face is currently off the screen.

"Have a marvelous day, darling," says Rarity, heading out of the place.

The current employee behind the counter smiles at the newcomer. "Welcome to Rarity's Canterlot Boutique. My name is Sassy Saddles. How might I help you?"

The customer hums. "I was wondering if you had something spectacular yet holding back. I'd like something with pizzazz, but it also has to be something that says, 'Don't buck with me.' "

"Ah, I... think I see." Sassy nods. "I'm sure we could find a suitable caped garment instead of... whatever that is."

An invisible flash goes through the would-be customer's mind and eyes. "Excuse you?"

"Plum purple is pish-poshly last week's color scheme." Sassy turns around to explore a rack of clothes, not realizing what effect her words are having on the other pony. "Perhaps, you'd look better in something like..."

"You would dare insult the Great and Powerful Trixie's versatile violet?!" A flash of purple, er... violet aura knocks her hat off and she magically yanks a couple clothing chests from outside into the building. "You will rue this day!"

Sassy turns around, gasping at the damage inflicted on the front wall. She then closes her mouth in a newfound frustration. "Ma'am, I should probably inform you that we reserve the right to refuse service to anypony. But, I'll serve you something else instead."

"FIGHT!"

One of the box-chests opens up. In Trixie's magic aura, a couple ropes rise up, curving left and right in a somewhat hypnotic dance. The sound effects man secretly plays a hissing noise very quietly.

Sassy's golden aura floats up a scarf from the rack. The sparkling red and knitted creation twirls around, circling the rope snakes. This scarf pulls itself over, under, and through. It does so again in a parallel yet opposite direction. The ropes' hissing is quelled by the scarf's square knot choking them down.

Sassy follows up by moving two mannequins in her magic. These pony-shaped figures seems to gallop through the air. They rush toward the caped intruder. A wallpaper with the image of a grassy field is also carried behind them by Sassy's magic.

The other box-chest opens up. Trixie pulls out a couple more tools: a black and white magician's wand and a bouquet of flowers. Seeming to dual-wield them in the air, Trixie swings them around to ward off the incoming mannequins. A few still-shots showcase her masterfully striking the fake ponies' heads and flanks. Her wand breaks. Her flowers are ruined. But the mannequins are bent and bruised against the walls on either side of the store.

Trixie slams her hooves down, unleashing a small burst of smoke. Sassy holds up a hoof to shield her eyes. The show mare does something unthinkable and jumps through the smoke, straight at Sassy. Another dust cloud forms as random punching and kicking sound effects play. As soon as they break apart, various little strings and patches come undone from both ponies' current outfits.

Trixie pants for breath. "The customer is always right."

Sassy breathes heavily in kind. "Canterlot Boutique cannot be held responsible for clothing-related injuries."

"Who said anything about the boutique?" Trixie huffs. "You're the disgrace."

"Thimbles and thumb-tacks!" Sassy gasps.

The golden aura drags out three different backdrops. Sassy directs the wallpapers for the dresses based on Celestia, Luna, and the Canterlot fountain at Trixie all at once. They wrap around the show mare tightly, muffling out some internal noise. There's a slight glimpse of the camera at a stray rope that's behind the counter for some reason.

"Thank you, and have a fabulous... day." Sassy exhales and holds a hoof to her head. "I am not paid enough to work like this."

A green firework bursts just at the top of the wallpaper wrap. It erupts into a flame, opening a whole for the trapped unicorn's horn. Trixie focuses her magic against her makeshift bindings. They expand outward before being ripped into haphazard shreds. She then floats several cards out of the box-chest.

"Pick a card," requests Trixie. "Every card!"

In a fashion of a children's card game anime, Trixie's magic makes the cards defy certain laws of air resistance. They spin around and ram against Sassy's body like ninja stars. The fashionista screams and shakes her hooves everywhere, trying to get the cards off.

"Augh! Please! Stop!" Sassy wails. "I'll do anything you want! Don't hurt me!"

A single card floats next to Trixie's head. "Okay."

Sassy looks hopeful. "Truly?"

"No."

The rope behind the counter springs to action under Trixie's magical influence. It quickly wraps one end around Sassy's neck while the other end flies up toward the ceiling. The sudden force to her windpipe causes Sassy to gasp for air. The rope swings around as Sassy goes limp with her tongue pushed slightly out of her mouth. Her eyes are forever open, staring at the entrance.

"Hmph," grunts Trixie as she turns around. She pulls her box-chests out with her. "What does Trixie have to do to get some decent service around here?"

The remaining playing card floats down behind her. As it hits the ground, the audience can see that it is the Queen of Spades.

"K.O.!"

Ho ho ho! Somebody's pissed.

Under normal circumstances, neither one of these ponies is properly equipped for combat. However, Trixie has proven that she's at least willing to find ways to use deadly force if she deems it necessary.

But how could she win without the Alicorn Amulet? Wasn't that the only reason she stood a chance against Twilight?

Yes, but keep in mind that Sassy is no Twilight. Sassy's main talents involve playing to a pony's interest and giving them exactly what she thinks they desire. Meanwhile, while Trixie's magic is also mainly telekinesis, it is better suited for catching enemies off guard. Plus, she had more potentially lethal tools available to her than Sassy does.

Yeah, while their basic levitation magic is just about equal, Trixie had the slight advantage with pyrotechnics and smoke. These could be used to escape whatever tricks Sassy could pull off.

Sassy can keep ponies focused on one thing, but Trixie can keep her audience distracted while her real trick happens behind the visible space. It was only a matter of time before Sassy's attention was on the wrong part.

Looks like the loose Saddles are all tied up. Don't leave her hanging. She really stuck her neck out there.

The winner is Trixie.