I ran over the crest of the grassy hill, holding the camera and tripod with my magic. A few hundred yards downhill on the river was a small plane. I called down to the pilot, who was a llama. "CARL! START THE ENGINE!"
Carl, who was in the middle of reeling in a fish, looked up at me with a blank look. He saw the swarm of capybara natives chasing after me. They were throwing spears and shooting arrows while screaming "AI AI AI AI!"
Carl gave a calm blink. "Huh. That's problematic." He jumped into the pilot seat and started the plane up.
I was at the riverbank. I heroically jumped, grabbed onto a vine, swung out and let go... and I fell ten feet short of the moving plane into the river. I sputtered out water, whipped my head to the still moving plane, and started swimming as fast as I could. The capybaras were all lined up on the riverbank, chanting tribal nonsense and still shooting at me. "Carl! Wait up!"
"You better start swimming faster," Carl said with a casual voice. "Because I'm not stopping."
I grabbed onto the edge just as the plane began to gain speed and lift off. I used my magic to shove the camera and tripod into the passenger seat. The plane was now in midair, leaving the jungle far below. I was hanging on for dear life. "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
"You seem to be in a precarious position," Carl commented.
"You're not helping!" I yelled back. I climbed the side of the plane and plopped myself into the safety of the passenger seat. I gave a relieved smile, but before I could relax my hooves touched something slimy. I looked down and my eyes widened. "CARL WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
"Oh that's one of my meat puppets," Carl explained. "Please don't smash it I'm saving it for later."
"I HATE YOU CARL! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!"
"Oh come on you don't mean that."
We bantered and argued for the whole flight until we touched down in the little village we originally took off from. I took my supplies and jumped off the plane onto the dock. I tossed Carl a little bag of bits. "There, I paid you for your services. I will never hire you again."
Carl gave a serene smile. "Why not? Don't you remember all the good times we had on our adventure?"
"You pushed me into piranha infested rivers twice, fed me to a flesh-eating plant, poisoned me, and almost left me behind to die at the mercy of cannibal capybaras."
"Yeah, good times. Good times."
"You were the worst guide ever, Carl. Goodbye." I walked along the dock to the village on the riverside. The sun was setting. The rest of the crew was there waiting for me. Two days earlier the capybaras attacked us in the jungle and we all escaped, but we had accidentally left the camera behind, so I went back with Carl to retrieve it. Mission accomplished.
Sorry, I should give you guys some context. A little over a week ago, we had flown down to South Amareica to film scenes for my adaptation of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Back in Equestria it was winter, but down here it was summer.
I found the rest of the cast and crew in the local bar. I sat down on a stool at the counter right next to Film Reel, who was trying and failing to hit on girls. "Hey guys. I'm back."
"Holy shit! You're alive!" Film Reel exclaimed. "The boss made it back! I win the bet!" There were several annoyed groans and everypony gave him a bit.
I pointedly glared for a moment, then I turned my attention to the bartender, who was a tapir. "Give me the strongest thing you got."
The bartender poured me a shot of a dark red drink. "We call this the Brain Breaker. Hope it helps, senor."
I downed the shot in one go and shook my head. It burned going down. Seconds later my brain started feeling fuzzy. "Another," I said.
"Hey boss," Film Reel said, "Where are we gonna go after this?"
I downed the second shot. "We still have to do filming is Saddle Arabia. We're gonna be spending a couple months over there, actually. And after that, we're gonna finish filming in Equestria. Another shot please." The bartender poured a third shot. I downed it.
"So are we done filming the jungle scenes?" Film Reel asked.
I nodded. "YEP, we're- hic- we're done with this rainforest death world. Now we gotta- hic- go to a desert death world. Our flight is tomorrow." I tipped backwards and hit the floor. Good night, sweet prince.
I woke up in my hotel room. After cleaning up in the bathroom I went down to the dining area, where everyone was already eating breakfast. It was explained to me that I had passed out and was dragged to my room. It also occurred to me that our flight to Saddle Arabia was in less than three hours.
The next two hours was a panic filled bum rush to make sure that we had everything and nothing was left behind. Thankfully we made it to the airport on time and we got the hell out of there. Fuck the rainforest, that place sucks. Then I remembered that we were going to this world's equivalent of the Middle East. As an American of the 21st century, I was expecting a miserable desert populated by a bunch of fanatical savages that still thought it was the year 100 BC.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was wrong. Saddle Arabia was just as cutesy and relatively innocent as Equestria. Which kinda makes sense, in hindsight. I mean, shit, if Middle East terrorists were a thing in this world, then Equestria would have had its version of 9/11 in Season 2, and those horse ambassadors wouldn't have been let into the country let alone be allowed to be next to Celestia during a fireworks show. Ah, the benefits of an optimistic G-rated universe.
I was grateful that the locals were nicer and more welcoming than in the real world, really, I was! But it was hard to let go of prejudices. The rest of the crew was having fun and interacting with the local camels and horses, meanwhile I was eyeing everyone with suspicion and being paranoid. My fear proved to be unfounded, because the most trouble I got was when a merchant swindled me. Ten bits for a two bit charm, that bastard.
But we were still in a desert, and the heat was a very real danger. We stayed in the shade as often as we could and kept our heads covered, and we carefully rationed our water supplies. And don't get me started on keeping sand from getting into the filming supplies! ARGH! We took filming scenes in the desert very seriously, because screwing up meant we had to do a retake, and doing a retake meant spending more time in the heat than we had to.
The heat wasn't the only danger out there. When we came upon a fork in the road, one way being the long way and the other being a shortcut to our destination, our guide chose the long way with no hesitation. When I asked why we weren't going the short way, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Down that path live many sandworms, ghouls, and giant ant-lions." That was all the explaining we needed. We didn't actually encounter any on our little adventure, thank god, but it was still scary to think that shit like that existed in this world.
We spent a couple months filming there. Our time was split 50/50 between camping out in the desert and hanging out at surprisingly luxurious hotels. By the time we finished and flew back to Equestria, it was spring 982. We finished filming at the studio.
Opening night was in late spring. Raiders of the Lost Ark was an instant success. It was just like in the real world, the movie immediately became a part of pop culture. Although there were some questions raised.
I sat on the set of a popular talk show hosted by one Bill O'Really, who was a grey earth pony. For a couple minutes now he's been asking me basic and safe questions, but now he was getting to the juicy stuff.
"So what can you tell us about the bad guys in Raiders of the Lost Ark?" O'Really asked.
"They're Nazis," I replied.
"Is that some evil organization that you made up for this movie?"
"... Yes. But they're actually an evil political party that has a large following."
"What's their motive?"
"They believe that ponies are the Master Race, so they want to commit genocide against all other sapient races and take over the world under a pony-only empire."
"Oh my, that sounds rather extreme."
"I wanted the villains to be a credible threat and I didn't want the audience to feel bad when they died."
"And regarding their plan, what was up with that again?"
"They wanted to use the power of an ancient god to take over the world, but that obviously backfired."
"If they wanted to use the power of a god, why didn't they go after Princess Celestia?"
"Because Princess Celestia isn't a god, duh."
The crowd gave a shocked gasp. O'Really glared at me. "Really now. So you and by extension the Nazis don't recognize Princess Celestia as a deity?"
"That is correct."
"SO YOU'RE A NAZI???"
"I thought I made it clear that the Nazis were the villains, and therefore in the wrong, you imbecile."
"But you and the Nazis agree that Celestia isn't a god!"
"Correct. But here's where we disagree. The Nazis see Celestia as a threat to their plans, whereas I see her as a regular pony."
"How DARE you say that!"
"You know what your problem is? You don't see Celestia as a pony, you see her as a symbol. You put her on a pedestal and expect her to be perfect 24/7. You know what I see? I see a pony stuck with the shitty burden of raising the sun and moon everyday, while she babysits a race of toddlers that can't fend for themselves unless they have a mother figure watching over them. And all the while they're talking about how great she is for the things she does for them, but nobody asks what they can do for her. It's always about us little ponies but never about Celestia. And through it all she wears that queenly mask so she can stay strong for us while she tolerates our nonsense. Respect."
Bill O'Really jumped out of his chair and tackled me to the ground. He started punching me. "OH REALLY? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY AN EVIL VILLAIN WHO WANTS TO BRAINWASH OUR CHILDREN WITH ANTI-CELESTIA NAZI PROPAGANDA!!!!"
Two security guards rushed onto the set and pulled O'Really off of me. They dragged him off the set while he raged the whole way. "RABLABLA! BURN THE HERETIC!"
I sat up and rubbed my bloody nose. "Well that escalated quickly."
It was a week later. I was sitting at my desk trying to choose my next movie when I heard a knock at the door. "Who could that be?"
I opened the front door to see a pony pointing a pistol at me. He shot me in the chest. I gave a pained cry and fell onto my side. I stared with horror as red trickled from my chest and onto the floor. The pony entered my home and coldly glared down at me.
"Why?" I weakly asked.
The pony aimed the gun back at me. "For raping my childhood." He shot me two more times in the side.
"Jesus Christ!" A second pony exclaimed as he entered through the doorway. "You freaking shot him?!"
The first pony rolled his eyes. "Oh relax. It's not like I killed him."
Now that I thought about it, the gunshot wasn't that loud, and my body only stung a little and did not at all feel like I just got drilled by three metal slugs. And was that paint I smelled? I wiped the red off my chest and sniffed it. That's not blood, it's paint! "Did you just shoot me with a fucking paintball gun?"
"Yes." The first pony replied. He shot me a fourth time in the leg.
"Stop that!" The second pony demanded.
"Not until he pays for what he did." He was about to shoot me again when I pulled the gun out of his grasp and snapped it in half. He didn't get angry, rather he looked like I had only slightly inconvenienced him.
"Oh yeah? And what would that be?"
"You raped Batman, Jigsaw, Godzilla, and Indiana Jones. You must be stopped before you rape any more pop culture icons."
"WHAT?!"
"Will you knock it off already!" The second pony yelled. "We're here to recruit him, not piss him off!"
"Stop," I said, closing my eyes and taking in a breath. "Just stop." I looked them over. The first pony was a pegasus stallion with a dark grey coat and a light grey mane. The second pony was an earth pony stallion with a light tan coat and a brown mane. "Start from the beginning. Why are you here?"
The second pony gave a shamed look to the floor, then he returned his gaze to me. "I'm sorry about my friend here, I really am. My name is Ernie Bud, and my friend here is Jack Rennard. We were supposed to ask you if you wanted to join our organization, OOTH, but I understand if you don't want anything to do with it, Mister Miles."
I raised an eyebrow. "Ooth?"
"Organization of Trapped Humans."
My eyes widened. "You're... you're like me, aren't you? You're human."
He nodded. "Yeah."
I pointed at Ernie. "You mentioned Jesus earlier." I pointed at Jack. "And you mentioned Batman, even though my version was only ever referred to as Mare Do Well. Of course you're human! Nobody in this universe would know those things!"
"Yep."
"How many of you are there?"
"We only started last year, but there's already dozens of us. For obvious reasons, we're a secret organization, out of the eyes of the public and government."
"That sounds ominous."
"Yeah but it sounds kickass too, don't it?"
"Hell yeah! I knew there were others like me but I didn't think I'd actually meet any of them anytime soon! Sign me up!"
"Just like that? People are usually suspicious about us."
"Oh I totally am, but I'm willing to take that risk."
"Great! Wanna come to our secret base?"
"Hold up, how far is it? I have to start working on my next movie soon."
"It's up north, in the Smokey Mountains."
I tapped my chin with my hoof. The Smokey Mountains were a little over a hundred miles away from Los Pegasus.
"How about I meet you guys at the train station there in two days?"
Ernie's face lit up. "Great! See you then!"
"Just one thing before you guys go." I punched Jack in the face. "There, now we're even."
Jack scrunched his nose and wiped away the little trickle of blood. "Fair enough."
Ernie breathed a sigh of relief. This was usually the part where a brawl would break out.