There was no talking between us on the drive to the cemetery. I didn't mind it though. It was a beautiful spring day: The blue skies were clear, the sun was bright and warm. The birds were even singing in the blossoming trees. I found myself with a pleasant smile on my face, and I noticed that the girls had small grins of their own as I looked around the car.
Today was Nick's birthday. He would have been 24 today. Man, I can't believe it's been nearly three years since... Since it happened. It seems like almost a lifetime ago.
"We're here." I told the girls, turning into the Ever Free Cemetery. Yeah, I know. The name is completely coincidental - Believe me, after Friendship is Magic aired, I actually returned and asked!
"It's so quiet." Pinkie commented, looking around.
"Well, that's to be expected. Usually, people don't come here for partying, Pinkie." I replied with a small chuckle. She beamed back at me, and I shook my head in amusement. Soon enough, we were at the designated parking area, and we got out of my truck. Seconds later, Gray pulled up and did the same, following me with Dana in tow. We made our way up a small hill, quickly arriving at where my brother’s plot was located. I started to look for the plaque indicating his specific location.
"Where is it, Alex?" Twilight asked quietly from my side. She had been sticking close to me all day, probably as she could empathize with me. I'm sure if she had lost Shining Armor, she'd feel the same way. I didn't mind, though. It was reassuring to have somebody who could comprehend the pain.
"I think it's here." I replied.
"You think?" Rainbow inquired.
"I haven't been here since last year," I replied with a nod. "I always seem to forget." I said with a sad smile.
That was a lie, though. I was probably just trying to muster up the strength to look at his grave. Dana picked up on this and gingerly took hold of my forearm, and I looked at her with a thankful smile. Sighing, I turned to my right, looking down at Nickolas Barkhorn's grave.
"Here we are, Alex." Grayson said, clasping my shoulder. I sighed shakily, but never let my smile falter as I knelt next to his plot.
"Hey, Nick," I started off. "Happy birthday. You...You know, you woulda been 24 today. Man, it's crazy how time flies, right?" I said, chuckling softly. "Oh, man, Nick... I miss you, man. You probably already know about Nana... Shit's tough, huh?" I said, and my voice began to quiver. "Christ, man... It's been three years. Three long fuckin' years, bro. I... I miss you more than I realized it." Tears began forming around my eyes, and I sniffled. I felt a warm hand at my shoulder, but didn't immediately acknowledge it. "I didn't think I'd still be this messed up after all this time." I took a second to take a quick breath before continuing. "...You were my best friend, Nick. I mean it. I mean, when I was a kid, and you always looked after me... Who else was there for me, huh? You were the perfect big brother. I hope you knew that, because I didn't tell you enough." I said, and the sobbing started, shaking my shoulders and causing my voice to jump with every other word. "And I wish I could just tell you one more time... that I love you, Nick. And I miss you so, so much."
A thought occurred to me just then, and I chuckled, sniffling once more. "It's funny...I had a dream. I dunno why I just barely had it, but it seriously opened my eyes. You were there, right in front of me, in my room. It felt so real...I felt like I coulda just reached out and grabbed you." It took a while to continue, as my sobbing take over for a moment. "I-I...I didn't say anything, only looked at you. You looked down at my wrists... You saw my tired eyes. You saw how unhealthy I was, the terrible things I did- you knew. The horribly done filling in over the hole in the wall. And...You gave me the strangest smile. You knew what had caused it all. You knew it was all my doing, and why I was acting out...But the look you gave me wasn't judgmental, it wasn't disappointed. It was..." I didn't know how to continue. Just reliving the dream pained me to the point where I felt physically sick. "You just smiled at me, man...What's up with that? No scolding? No telling me I was acting crazy?"
"Alex, dear-" Rarity began, but someone shushed her.
"I... I know what you were trying to tell me, though. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to see those things... I just miss you so much, Nick. You have no idea what it's like, to wake up every morning, knowing I won't see you again. That I won't hear your voice, or hear the way you played that guitar." Again, sobbing came to interrupt my thoughts. "I just... I just miss you so much, Nick. I'm so sorry, but I never got to tell you enough. There was no way I could have ever told you enough. I love you, Nick. Thank you. For everything you've done for me. And I promise, I'll be good. I promise I won't let what happened to you affect me anymore. I won't sit in my room alone anymore, I won't shut the world out just because the one person that mattered most is no longer in it. I promise I'll remember the good. I promise I'll try and be happy. I promise... for you, Nick." I said, laying a hand on the cold tile that held his name and birthdate. "For you, my BBBFF."
That was it. For the next ten minutes, I sat there, hunched over, silently crying over the grave that held my brother. When the crying finally subsided, we were all sitting around it, with Twilight huddled close to my side, silently supporting me. She looked up at me when I finally lifted my head, giving me a small smile which I gladly returned.
"He seemed like a great guy." AJ commented, picking at the green grass beneath her.
"He was." I replied, sniffling again. "He was an amazing person. It seemed like nothing in the world bothered him. He was always smiling, happy, and accepting. Christ, he was perfect." I said with a chuckle.
"Well, that was quite the epiphany there, too." Dana commented. I smiled sadly and nodded.
"Yeah, well... I know it's true. Nick wouldn't want me to stay like this. It'd be painful for him if he saw me in the condition I was in. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, knowing that my behavior wouldn't sit right with him." I replied, sighing and wiping my eyes. "I just...I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of having nightmares of that night..." Dana and Gray nodded in understanding, and Gray rubbed my back for a moment.
"What night?" Twilight asked carefully, who was still close to me.
"Oh, right. I never told you about the night I found out he died, did I?" I said, more to myself than anything else. The six of them all shook their heads, and I nodded, giving myself a moment to recollect the memory.
"It was about three years ago, when I was fourteen. It was really late one night- I had just been developing my sleeping issues, so I was just staring at the ceiling. I heard a knock at the front door, which was odd, considering it was almost... I wanna say close to three in the morning. The knocking persisted after a while, so I stood to get the door. And I'll never forget how right as I reached for my room’s door handle, I heard my mother scream in agony. Fearing the worst, I grabbed a switchblade from my desk and tore my door open, running down the hall as fast as I could. But... what I saw at the front door confused me.
"Two men in military outfits stood just outside the door wearing solemn expressions, and one holding an opened envelope. My mom, who was holding the contents of the envelope, was hugging the piece of paper close to her chest and crying her eyes out, screaming out, 'No, no! Please, god, no!'
"My brother died after entering a firefight. They were ambushed, and he died trying to save another rookie on his squad. I...I just will never forget that night, man. I stood there, motionless. I knew what the letter meant. I just couldn't accept it."
When I finished, I was once again near tears, but this time, Twilight brought a hand up to my cheeks, wiping off the tears that threatened to fall.
"Oh, my..." Fluttershy murmured. "That sounds horrible." I simply shrugged, and stood up.
"Well, it's life. He died protecting someone he cared for. For that, I'm proud of him." I replied, wiping grass off of my pants. I stretched out my arms and sighed again, looking at the others. "Let's get going." I suggested. They nodded in agreement, standing up and stretching out. We walked off towards our cars, but I looked back one last time, smiling at the grave. "I love you..." I whispered.
"Say something?" Dana asked. I looked back over at Dana, smiling and shaking my head.
"Nah." I replied simply
We returned home, and it was still a beautiful day out, considering it was only one in the afternoon. I sighed and threw myself down on the couch, turning on the television. Thankfully, Friendship is Magic was on, and we all watched. The irony? It was season two's finale, just after the opening theme. We all knew what was coming. Twilight, Gray and Fluttershy all watched me as Twilight began to sing her “BBBFF" song. I didn't care, though. Actually, I thought that it was quite appropriate. Throughout the entire song, I had a smile on my face, though tears were lurking in the corners of my eyes. I sang along with Twilight, both the television version and the one sitting directly at my right, trying to keep my voice strong as I sang.
I only watched a few minutes more of the show before I slowly stood up and shut off the television. I walked over to the window, leaning on the sill while I simply gazed outside, letting my emotions run their course.
"Alex?" Dana asked quietly. "Are you alright?" I didn’t reply, instead bringing my hand up to clench the dog tags around my neck, staring at the blue sky. Two birds flying by caught my attention, and they both perched themselves on a nearby tree.One of them flew off after a short duet, leaving the second all alone. It kept singing it's beautiful song, before finally flying off in it's own direction. I turned around moments later, smiling brightly at the other girls. A real smile. A happy smile.
"Know what?" I said as I walked towards the front door. "It's too beautiful of a day to stay inside watching tv. Let's go for a walk, huh?" Everyone smiled and nodded in agreement, following me outside. As Gray and I have done so many times, we just walked. We didn't have a specific destination in mind, nowhere we needed to be, we just kept walking, making conversation and laughing together.
What made it amazing was that it was all real. I wasn't being fake or hiding my emotions. I knew Nick, and I should have realized it earlier. I was so stupid for acting the way I did. I knew Nick wouldn't be able to see me in the condition I was in. I promised not only myself, but also my brother that I would start taking care of myself.
That day. Something entered my heart, something that I knew would remain with me until my day had come, as well. It was hope. And I couldn't have been happier to receive it.
It was pretty late when we got home - almost seven at night. Twilight stopped me after everyone else had gone inside. "Alex," she started.
"Yeah, Twilight?" I said, looking down at her.
"I just want to say... that I'm sorry you lost your brother. I know what it's like to have a BBBFF." A small smile adorned her face.
"Thanks, Twi," I said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "That means a lot to me." I finished.
"Of course. My pleasure." She replied happily. "And, you know, if you ever feel like talking, even if it's just a story of Nick you'd like to share, please... feel free to tell me. I'd be more than happy to listen."
"Really? Thanks, Twilight. Thank you, so much." I said with a smile. She slightly held her arms out, and I chuckled, pulling her into a hug. I broke it moments later as a thought struck me. "Hey, follow me." I said, grabbing her hand before leading her into my hallway. I walked past my doorway, and stopped at Nick's.
"Alex, you know, you don't have to go in there if you don't want to." She said gently, but I shook my head.
"No. I've been too scared for too long. There's no reason for me to not come in here." I replied, reaching for the door handle. I hesitated (momentarily) as my fingers touched the cold brass. I forced myself to turn the handle, anyway, and opened the door. The layout was the same as when he left. The same blue paint on the walls, the bookshelf, the desk- even the garbage can with the basketball hoop over it. And the guitar. Nick's custom black acoustic guitar was sitting, perched on the stand. I ran my hands along the bed and dresser before finally reaching the guitar's neck.
"That was his?" Twilight asked quietly, having followed me in.
I nodded in reply. "Yep..." I whispered, gently sitting down on the silver and blue bedspread. Taking a moment to tune the guitar before beginning to strum. "Might take a while. I just learned this." I said to her as she took a seat next to me. I finally got the right notes going, and Twilight immediately recognized the song, and began singing.
"When I was just a filly, I found it rather silly, to see how many other ponies I could meet..."
Soon enough, Dana and the others came by, not only surprised to see me in the room, but in there with Twilight, singing and playing the song that meant so much to the two of us. Hell, the other girls even sang along when the harmonies came along. I looked to Twilight as I played the last chord, and was surprised to see that she had tears forming in her eyes. I smiled and set the guitar down as I stood up before helping Twilight up as well.
"How do you feel?" She asked me. I looked around the room for a moment, before looking back at her.
"Better. Much better." I replied happily, exiting the room with the others. We ate a quick meal of pasta before seeing Dana and Gray off. As they were getting ready to leave, Dana approached me and pulled me into an embrace, wrapping one arm around my waist and the other around my neck.
"I'm glad to see you this happy again." She whispered as she pulled away, walking to the car. I waved them off, and returned to the girls.
"I'm glad to see you like this, Alex." Rainbow commented from her spot on the floor.
"Yeah! It's so much better to see you smiling! Seeing you smile just warms my heart!" Pinkie commented as she tackle hugged me, bringing me to the ground between her and Rainbow.
"Well, thank you, girls. I appreciate that." I replied, chuckling as I returned to my feet. "But, if you'll excuse me, I'm kinda tired. I think I'll head in early tonight." I said, walking off to my room. They all called out a goodnight to me, which I responded to as I closed my door. I sighed heavily, sitting down on my bed and thinking about the day. It was a lot to take in, but I knew I could do it. I heard A knock sounded at my door just as I threw my legs onto my bed. "Who is it?"
"It's Twilight." Twilight said from the other side of the door.
"Come in." I said, rubbing my eyes. "Heya." I greeted as she made her way inside.
"Hi there," She replied with a small smile. "So, um...I guess, maybe it's my turn to bunk with you?" She said hesitantly. I chuckled and nodded.
"That'd be nice. You can use my blankets, here," I said, getting up and offering her the comforter.
"But, what about you?" She asked, taking the blanket.
"Eh. I can sleep without one." I said, motioning to the couch
and heading over.
"Or, um..." She began. I turned to her, waiting for her to continue. "Well, what if we share?" She suggested quietly. Thinking for a moment, I figured it wasn’t a bad idea. Not like anything would happen. Plus... she was offering. I couldn't just refuse Twilight Sparkle.
"Alright. Sounds good." I answered, settling down in bed next to her. Mind you, I was on the complete opposite side that she was, but we fell asleep just as quickly, all the same.