MLPU: Guardians of the Galaxy

by TheInvincibleIronBrony


Hooked on a Feeling

On the edge of the galaxy, in an enigmatic spaceport known only as Knowhere, a mysterious being known to most as the Collector sat surrounded by his vast menagerie of strange creatures, life forms, objects and other unidentifiable cosmic treasures. The Collector was alone, looking into a cage that had an almost Equine creature inside, but it seemed to be partially aquatic. It was covered in hard scales and in place of a mane it had a fin.

A bright salmon colored mare with her jet black mane tied back into two inexplicably pink pig tails, accented by her elf like ears approached him from behind "Master... I have news from Conjunction. Encoded transmissions for your eyes on the ground," she told him in a sweet tone.

The Collector smirked. "Indeed..." He put his hand up to the glass and the fish pony matched his gesture. "... Interesting." He turned to face his servant. "Show me."

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A small ship entered the atmosphere of Conjunction, a dead world from the coldest reaches of the galaxy, and also the location of a notorious black market for contraband technology.

As the ship touched down, its lone passenger, cloaked in a brown cloth, exited and made their way towards the nearest signs of civilization. She could already hear the weird and wonderful aliens hocking the wares they themselves barely understood.

"Garja chips! Only ten units!" a vendor cried from across the street

"Changeling detectors! Good prices!" another called, holding up a small disk like object.

The lone wanderer made her way through the marketplace, not so much as glancing at the funny looking aliens shouting nonsense. She took a deep breath and reveled in the chaos and clutter of it.

"Changeling detectors! Like new! Ten units apiece! That's value for you!" a larger alien shouted, glaring at his competition a few stalls down.

"Ion clamps! I got the ion clamps you need!" yelled gesturing at what looked like rusty ship parts. "Who'll offer me five units? Five? Five?"

"Genuine Xandarian hyper-shunts! Look at the workmanship!"

"Need a drive generator? You!? You need a drive generator?"

She spotted her destination, a casino on the edge of the marketplace and made her way straight towards it. As she entered the casino she saw a variety of aliens of different shapes and sizes. Everything from small and fuzzy critters to huge creatures that visit you in your nightmares. The wanderer had never felt more at home.

A large alien resembling a minotaur but with four arms stopped the mare while she was walking. "Oooh, who have we here? What ya got in them pockets, eh?" he asked threateningly.

"I can think of two very good reasons why you shouldn't do that." The cloaked mare said with a smile, hoping her aggressor would try something anyway.

"Oh yeah? And what are they?" the minotaur like creature challenged, chuckling at the mare before him.

In a flash of movement the mare threw off her cloak and produced a pair of swords and instantly severed the aliens two uppermost arms. "Those." She said, holding the swords at her sides. The mare was a light purple earth pony, with an extremely curly mane of a darker purple and white that was so erratic it looked as if birds had recently been nesting in her hair. Her cutie mark was a screw and a baseball on her shoulder, just above the cut off of the black leather suit she wore.

"MY ARMS! AIIIEEK! MY ARMS!" The alien screamed clutching at the stumps of his severed arms.

"Aww, cheer up." She said smiling standing over him. "You've still got another pair!" she said giggling at the alien.

"She... she diced Gorfrad! Snuff her!" One of the other larger aliens shouted.

"He'll be fine." She said, rolling her eyes, as a mob formed and began to advance on her. "I only disarmed him!" She wasn't able to contain her laughter as she jumped into the mob and began slicing them apart.

One alien attempted to stab her in the back with a large knife as another charged her from the front. In the same instant she blocked the knife coming from behind her and severed the head of the alien charging towards her.

"I didn't really want things to come to a head so quickly." She said, bursting into a fit of laughter but her fighting skill seemed unimpeded, proven by stabbing one attacker in the stomach as she fended of two aliens coming at her with knives with the other sword.

"You guys like to play rough too, huh!?" She stabbed her sword through the head of a praying mantis-like alien but found it was stuck.

Two aliens immediately attempted to dog pile on her. The crazed mare dropped down on her hands and kicked the two aliens, one flew right out the window and into the market place, the other wasn't so lucky and collided head first with a wall and slumped to the ground with a broken neck. She quickly severed the mantis alien's head and resumed using her sword, swinging it around like an unholy shish kebab.

"For d'ast sake! There's only one of her! AAAGGGK-" one alien screeched as he was run through.

"She's so fast! I can't-" another started, only to lose his head a second later.

"Anyalien else wanna collect on their life insurance?" The mare said, swords gleaming scarlet with the blood of her enemies. As the surging thugs formed a wide circle around her.

"Ah. You must be the infamous Screwball." Said a voice from the far wall of the casino. "The deadliest mare in the galaxy. Not an idle boast I see."

Screwball looked over and saw the unmistakable image of the Collector addressing her, but something was off about him. The Collector gestured to the exit door. "Please, this way. I have been waiting for you."

"You haven't really been waiting for lil' ol' me have you?" Screwball said as she literally walked straight through him. "Well... You're not a ghost, so I'm guessing you're actually a holographic projection. That's kinda rude, you should've come to meet me in the flesh," Screwball said with a faux pout.

The Collector was taken aback, he'd had to jump through hoops to get such a perfect hologram projector. But the fact that she had seen through it just meant this was definitely the pony for the job. "My dear Screwball, it's called caution. You are the deadliest mare in the galaxy after all," He said through his projection.

"Shall we discuss business? I have learned the whereabouts of the Orb," The Collector said keeping things brief. "I need somepony to collect it for me and it is imperative that I collect it before Last Rites and his Crystal Unicorn 'empire'."

"The Orb, huh. What if I didn't know what that is? I figure it's either powerful or valuable if you want it... And if Last Rites wants it too, I'm guessing super powerful. So... if Rites got a hold of it, that would be... bad?" Screwball guessed, pretending to be confused

"It is powerful indeed. A most marvelous thing. Indeed it should not fall into Last Rites' hands. I will look after it much more carefully." The Collector paused when he noticed Screwball's hesitation. "You are conflicted. I see. Your former loyalty to Last Rites... And your wish to atone for past crimes."

"I don't like you, Collector." Screwball said pointing her sword at the projection of the Collector. "Buuut... I figure you're more likely to do the right thing than Last Rites. I'll get your orb. And you can chuck it in the closet with your other junk," Screwball told him, all playfulness forgotten

The Collector really didn't like having to depend on this mare to retrieve the Orb. "It's in the temple vault on Morag. The lesser sea is lowering for the first time in three hundred years, making the temple vault accessible," the Collector explained.

"Deal! No take backs!" Screwball shouted, forgetting she didn't like her business partner.

"Of course not. I want the Orb for my collection very much..." The Collector paused. "It is such a deliciously potent object." The Collector got a far away look in his eye at the thought of a new item.

"See ya soon! We'll meet for real next time... I won't bite. Promise," Screwball said, chomping her teeth together with a smile.

///////////////////

"I am... reassured. Contact me when you are ready to make the delivery," the Collector said to the projection of Screwball. "Cancel holo communication Zanni," he ordered his assistant.

Zanni complied, shutting off the device. "Are you alright master? Can you trust this Screwball?" Zanni asked with concern

"She is... Unsettling. But I am confident in her ability to perform this task." The Collector and Zanni left the communication room and returned to the collection. "However, the stakes are high and I cannot be the only one eager to possess the orb... I can only wonder how many other players are caught up in this game. Things may be about to get quite fascinating."

//////////////////

A blue pegasus stallion, known to most as Solar Wind, with bright orange headphones around his neck was standing on the balcony of a building opposite an incredibly opulent mansion. Magiphen, one of the most heavily guarded estates on the planet Gramos. He had been watching the guardsmen for going on a week now. He had logged all of their comings and goings. He now knew the schedule to the letter and even the paths that they would patrol.

The guardsmen were big. Not one of them was under six feet tall and they were all that weird shade of dark blue. The stallion didn't discriminate, he was pretty dark blue himself. The only thing that really kept him from blending in was his wings, that and the fact that he wore actual clothing.

All his waiting and plotting was for a single goal. A jewel, specifically one of the fragments of Xorr the God-Jewel. There were only twenty four in the entire galaxy and they were worth a several million units. He didn't know why they called it that, but it sounded pretty valuable. If he could get a hold of it, he could sell it and live easy for a while.

He looked down at the top window of the mansion, always inexplicably opened for a very brief period every night. Riiiiiight... Now! Solar told himself. As if on cue the window opened automatically. Maybe it's a glitch in their security systems? If there is anyone in there I'll just knock 'em out for a bit, The Stallion thought to himself as he set his gun on non-lethal, put on his mask, hit play on his Walkpony and waited.

"I'm... dun dun. Hooked on a feeling. I'm high on believing," Solar sang himself quietly as the beat of the music rang in his ears. "That you're in love with me," Solar sang, keeping his voice low.

In the second that none of the guards were looking in his direction, he silently glided from the balcony in through the open window.

He landed perfectly, not making a sound. "Another win for Star-Lord," He said looking around and suddenly realising why this room was opened at the same time every night. It was a bathroom. He carefully paused his music and removed his headphones and equally carefully pulled out his gun.

"Who's there? Porghan, honey? Is that you?" The Gramosian stepped out of the shower and saw the masked pegasus standing there.

Star-Lord quickly held his hands up. "Please don't scream. I will shoot you," he said in an oddly polite tone.

"Why would I scream?" The Gramosian said. "What are you? Some kind of handsome alien scoundrel, come to steal my husband's treasures?" she asked, giving Solar a one over and smiling seductively at him.

"Umm... Pretty much. Wait... Did you just call me handsome?" Solar asked, confused and at the same time proud.

"Well, I am assuming a lot," She said caressing Solar's mask. Solar took note that she was making no effort to cover herself.

"Do you think you could point me towards some of those treasures?" Solar asked, shaking his head to get back on track.

"You may as well take them, he just keeps them locked up here... Gathering dust," she stated in a resentful tone, pouting.

"Really? Thanks!" Solar said happily.

"He treats me the same way, locked away at home... Like some prize to be gawked at whenever he has to entertain company..." she continued wistfully.

"About those treasures..." Solar said, trying to get his heist back on track.

"He'll spend hours polishing the metal and shining the jewels," she continued with no sign of ending her rant.

"There's one in particular..." Solar told her, again failing to catch her attention.

"It's been so long since he... polished me off," she said, sadly, slowly turning to Solar.

Star-Lord suddenly noticed she was wearing a pendant that bared the exact jewel he was looking for. He quickly thought of a plan, then removed his mask. "You're not one of those species that eats their mate post-coital, right?" he asked with an affectionate smile.

"That depends on your definition..." She said leaning in before passionately kissing the intruder.

///////////////////////

Solar collapsed on the silken sheets if the woman's bed, drenched in sweat and panting."That was amazing... Umm... I didn't catch your name." Star-Lord said between breaths, sitting up in bed.

"My name is Selah, my little scoundrel." The Gramosian said lustfully, crawling up beside him. "I didn't catch yours either," she replied, leaning against him.

"I was born Solar Wind, but in my adventures and exploits, I've become known by a different name," Solar began dramatically, earning an amused smile from his companion. "A name known across the galaxy. For the third time tonight I'm gonna ask you not to scream Selah," he continued, pausing for effect. "I am the famous outlaw, Star-Lord," Solar Wind said getting out of bed and dramatically looking out the open window.

"Oh... Uh, wow?" Selah said, unsure if she should pretend to be fearful or in awe of Solar.

"Nothing?! Seriously? I-I can't..." said Solar Wind, as he started looking for his clothing and picked up his mask. "Let me get the mask back on. See if you recognise it."

"I'm sorry, I've just never heard of you... I told you I don't get out much," Selah replied, trying to soothe Solar's ego.

"Yeah... That's probably it," Solar Wind said, sounding deflated.

At that moment the door caved in and the room was filled with twenty guards and an extremely peeved Gramosian duke. "Selah? What is the meaning of this!?" he shouted angrily.

"H-he tricked me! He used some kind of... Alien pheromone!" Selah said covering herself up.

"What!? Oh, screw it." Solar said quickly putting his mask back on and putting his hands up.

"Guards! Shoot this fool!" The duke said furiously.

"Wait, wait!" Said Solar backing away from the guards. "Firstly, thank you for this." He opened his hand revealing the jewel encrusted pendant.

"What?! When did you-" Selah shouted in surprise, quickly getting cut off by Solar.

"And secondly, remember my name. Say it with me. Star-Lord," He said slowly, dragging out the two syllables before throwing himself out through the previously opened window and took to the air. Several shots rang out but Star-Lord managed to avoid every single one of them as he flew away into the night. Completely naked, except for his trademark mask and the Walkpony in his hand.

"If you like piƱa coladas and gettin caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. Then I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me and escape," Solar sang happily at a successful score and heist.

/////////////////

"What do you mean he wouldn't take the das't thing?! Do you know what I went through to get this?" Solar Wind said to Whistlin' Dixie, Centaurian captain of the Ravagers, an infamous gang of thieves and pirates. Solar had been greeted angrily when he returned to their ship and was now trying to understand where he'd gone wrong as his boss glared at him from the captain's seat.

"Yeah, I know exactly what ya went through to get it. Ev'ry single flarking sentient life form on Gramos knows what ya went through," Dixie said as he stood up and showed Solar Wind a poster that had a sketch vaguely reminiscent of Star-Lords mask, captioned with the name Space-Lord. "Congratulations, 'Space-Lord' you're finally gettin' famous," he said before grabbing hold of Solar Wind and throwing him against the wall. "I spent all day waitin' fer you tah come good on this heist and what do you give me? A stupid gem that I can't give away because you couldn't keep it in your pants!"

"She spotted me! I had to improvise..." Solar defended himself.

"Well, you did a fine job! Is this how you repay your gracious captain after I saved you?!" Dixie accused angrily.

"Saved me?! You abducted me! Your men were gonna eat me!" Solar argued.

"And I stopped them! They ain't never had Pegasus before! I saved ya!" Dixie snarled.

"I can't put up with this right now... I'm sorry. Is that what you wanna hear? I messed up," Solar apologized, calming Dixie down. "Do you have any new tips for me?" Solar asked, eager to turn things around.

"Well... We do have commission to nab a little nicknack on a planet called Morag," Dixie said, in a bored tone.

"Morag? Isn't that place flooded?" Solar asked, raising an eyebrow at the odd request.

"One of a kind circumstances, the water is low enough to reach the temple," Dixie explained.

"What are we looking for?"Solar inquired, hoping to glean as much as possible from his boss.

"Can't rightly say. Some kind of orb, said we'll know it when we see it," Dixie stated, shrugging. "Listen, I want you go on ahead and scout the place out. Do a little recon for me 'n the boys, but don't go into the d'ast temple before I get there! You hear me boy!?" Dixie ordered sternly.

"Grrr... Fine. Fine, fine, fine. You and me, working together. Just like the old days!" Solar replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes at Dixie's mistrust.

"That's right! I'll be seeing you on Morag. And if'n I don't... If you stab me in the back. I'll kill ya, boy," Dixie threatened.

"Great work ethic, Dixie. Do you know where I can find the nearest bar? Think I'd like to take you and the boys out to celebrate," Solar said with a smile.

Dixie smiled at the suggestion. "Sounds good to me. The boys are already at a great place," Dixie said as he started walking for the exit.

"Great," Solar cheered. "I'll meet ya there, gotta grab my walkpony," he stated as he started down a different hallway. Dixie nodded and quickly left the ship.

Once Dixie was out of the ship, Solar found a window and watched him walk away until he was out of sight. "Alright, let's get on outta here," Solar said smiling as he entered the cockpit and started the ship. Seconds later Solar Wind had the stolen ship in the air and leaving Gramosian orbit.

/////////////////////

Dixie and his Ravagers returned to where they'd left their ship several hours later only to be met with an empty lot. Dixie's face contorted into a livid glare, while his cronies stared in confusion and disbelief. "Solar Wind you are a dead stallion," he said in a dangerous tone. "Put a bounty on his head. Forty thousand units alive," Dixie ordered the nearest ravager, who nodded in understanding. "And get us a ship," Dixie said, staring at the dark sky.