A Tale of Four Heroes Who Almost Saved the World

by Ironskull


The Tale of the Second Hero

"The next hero was an apprentice magician from the guild of mages. The guild of mages teaches unicorns how to fight with magic. This particular unicorn never did get the hang of combat magic, however. She did, however, master a spell called 'turn undead'. When this spell is cast on any undead, it reawakens their survival instincts and fills them with a sense of absolute terror and dread, which invariably makes them run away from the caster. They scream if they can.

"After failing to become a full member of the guild of mages for the forty-seventh time, this unicorn decided that she had had enough. She decided to field test her spell and prove how useful it could really be. And her goal was to gain entrance to the lich tower and destroy a phylactery. Nopony in living memory had ever managed to do it, but she believed that her special spell would give her an edge."


"They laughed at me!" cried the unicorn. "They laughed when I told them that I would go to the tower! Not one of them believed I would make it even this far!"

The blue unicorn's horn lit up and shot a beam of magic at the skeletal gate guardians of the tower, who quickly scattered in all directions.

"They don't expect to ever see me alive ever again!" continued the mage, ranting to herself. "Fools! I'll show them! I'll show them all who's really great and powerful! Why, when I return with the shattered remnants of a lich's phylactery, they will have no choice but to reevaluate their entire approach to magic!"

She climbed up the steps and stopped at the first floor. Tightening her purple cape and adjusting her pointed hat (the attire of apprentice mages), she opened the door.

And there stood a lich.

She prepared to blast him with her magic spell.

"Wait!" shouted the lich in a raspy voice. "Are you alive?"

The mage held her spell for a moment as she just stared at the lich. For some reason, she didn't blast him in the face right away. After all, nopony had actually spoken with a lich either. Or, at least, never held a civil conversation with one.

"Do I look like a zombie to you?" asked the mage sarcastically.

"Then you are in great danger!" cried the lich.

"I can take care of myself," said the mage dismissively. "Anyway, what do you care? Shouldn't you be trying to kill me right about now?"

"You don't understand!" cried the lich. "I never wanted to hurt anypony! I only do the whole 'ragh, I'm an evil necromancer' thing to keep the others from growing suspicious!"

"What!" shouted the mage.

"Not so loud!"

"Why should I believe you?"

"At first, I only wanted power," explained the lich. "but as time went on, I began to carry tremendous guilt for all of the things that I have done! I have become a monster!"

"Then why don't you do something about it?" asked the mage.

"There is only one way to free me from this cursed unlife!" declared the lich. "You must kill me! And when I say 'kill me', I mean for good! You must destroy my phylactery!"

"Wait a minute, you want me to kill you?"

"Yes! But not yet! You must wait until my phylactery has been destroyed first! I will show you where it is kept!"

"Well, that certainly beats wandering around this tower for who knows how long hoping to find one by accident," said the mage. "Very well. Lead the way."

As the lich led the mage through the tower, they passed many zombies, but the lich prevented them from attacking the mage. But then they approached another lich.

"Act like a zombie!" whispered the lich escorting the mage.

"I could just blast him," whispered the mage.

"Zombie!" insisted the lich.

The mage suddenly adopted a lumbering gait and let out her best zombie moan. "Hurgh..."

The other lich eyed them suspiciously.

"Is this your work, Dark Water?" he asked.

The lich called Dark Water let out a nervous raspy chuckle. "Yes, she is, and we have places to be, so-"

"I am scarcely surprised. She reeks of your work. You didn't even drain her blood first, I see. She'll be dead by tomorrow. Again."

"Yes, well, what I do is my business, Dreary Day!" snapped Dark Water.

"You aren't worth my time. Be gone with you!"

"Gladly!"

Dark Water and the mage marched past and into another room.

"I didn't realize that liches could dislike one another," remarked the mage.

"Oh, Dreary is the worst! It's always, 'You're such a terrible necromancer, Dark. Look at how I do it. You should be more like me, Dark. You're such a pathetic excuse for a lich, Dark. Unlike me! I'm perfect at everything I do!"

"Sore point?"

"Very."

"Is his name really Dreary Day?"

"Yes. Why?"

"No wonder you ponies went evil."

"I take offense to that."

"Do you want me to apologize?"

"What? Appologize? No, of course not! That would be very un-evil of you! We offend each other all the time! It's just one of the ways we like to socialize."

"Liches are weird."

"I take offense to that."

"Good."

"No! Not good!" objected Dark Water. "Bad!"

"Oh. Why are you so upset about the things that Dreary says about you then?"

"Because one wrong turn deserves another! I'm just being a bad neighbor!"

"This conversation is beginning to hurt my head."

The pair continued traveling through the tower until finally Dark Water led the mage into a small circular room. The only thing in the room was a pillar in the very center, which had an opaque vial sitting on top.

"Smash it!" cried the lich. "Destroy it!"

"So," began the mage in confusion, "why haven't you ever smashed it?"

"Our phylacteries can only be destroyed by the magic of a living pony!" explained the lich. "Now destroy it!"

"That... is a really stupid weakness."

"I agree completely. You have no idea how long I've longed to smash this infernal thing myself, but I never could! Now. Destroy!"

The mage shrugged to herself and then sent a bolt of magic at the phylactery, causing it to shatter.

"YES!" cried the lich triumphantly. "At last!" He began to laugh maniacly.

The mage gathered up the shards of the phylactery and put them into a pouch so that she could show proof of her deed to the guild of mages and rub it in their faces. Perhaps literally. She then turned to the still laughing lich and coughed, trying to get his attention. He didn't notice.

"Excuse me?"

"Huh?" said the lich. "What?"

"So... Do I kill you now, or what?"

"Not just yet! There is one last thing that I must attend to. Follow me!"

The lich rushed out of the room. The unicorn was confused, but followed after him.

She noticed that they were going in exactly the same direction that they had come from.

"Hey, Dark? We're going back the way we came."

"I am aware."

"But Dreary Day might still be there."

"That's what I'm hoping for!"

Eventually they came to the hallway where Dreary Day was indeed still waiting.

"What reason have you for stomping back and forth through the tower like this?" he asked. "Let me guess, you've lived here for a thousand years and you still managed to get yourself lost!"

"Shut up, Dreary!" screamed Dark Water. "I don't have to listen to you anymore! Soon, you won't even be a problem anymore!"

For once, Dreary Day stared agape at his colleague. He wasn't used to such audacity from Dark Water.

"Dreary Day," shouted Dark Water. "I hate you!"

Suddenly, an enormous fireball emerged from Dark Water's horn and engulfed the other lich.

"ARGH! screamed Dreary Day in pain. "What the tartarus, Dark! I'll see you rot in the dungeon for a thousand years for this!"

"Oh no you won't!" cried Dark Water happily as he watched his hated rival burn. "You see that mare over there? She's not a zombie, Dreary! She's a living pony, and just a few minutes ago, she destroyed your phylactery!"

"ARRRRGH!" was Dreary's only response before his desiccated body collapsed into the floor in a heap of ashes and the fire died out.

"Look at us now, mister high and mighty!" screamed Dark Water at the ashes. "Yes, you were so much better than me at everything I ever did, but there is one very important difference between us! I'm still here and you're not!"

"So, let me get this straight," said the mage. "That phylactery wasn't yours? It was his?"

"Of course it was!" answered the lich. "Do you really think I would let you kill me? However, you have done me a service I can never repay! I am free! Free at last! Muahahahahaha-" the lich suddenly broke down into a hacking and coughing fit.

"Ahem. Anyway, as a reward for helping me, I won't kill you! But I strongly recommend that you leave the tower now. Luckily for you, the other liches are all distracted watching gladiatorial combat, so if you are lucky you can make it out without being seen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a fat stack research notes to steal from one of my late colleagues! At last, Dreary Day, the secrets of your success will be mine!"

The mage watched as Dark Water ran out of the hallway, laughing all the way.

She turned back to the pile of ashes.

There was nothing left of the lich at all, other than ashes.

Or was there? Something else in the pile caught her eye.

She lifted out a black amulet with her magic and watched in surprise as it transformed into a golden rod. Carved into the side of the rod was the word 'mercy'.

It began to glow and give off a bright white light. When the light died away, the mage found herself in another room of the tower surrounded by three other ponies that looked just as surprised as she was.