//------------------------------// // The Onion // Story: X in Equestria // by RoseluckyCinor //------------------------------// The Onion “Girls, I needed to talk with you, thanks for coming,” Cheerilee bid the three filly’s entering the classrom. Cheerilee was standing awkwardly next to one of her many tables. The mare picked up a newspaper which had occupied the table. “What cha’ need, Mrs. Cheerilee?” Applebloom asked. Her, her friend Sweetie Belle, and Terry sat on one of the classroom’s desks. Sweetie Belle was shifting on the couch. “Well I’ve just read something terrible and I was wondering if you’d like to explain yourselves,” Cheerilee began to explain. She was pacing in front of the girls with glasses floating lazily in the air. “I didn’t touch Rarity’s fabric!” Sweetie blurted out. “It’s not about fabric, Sweetie,” Cheerilee assured the small unicorn, “It’s about this.” Cheerilee put the newspaper in front of the fillies. "Trio of Fillies sets Kindergarten ablaze in attempt to get their "Fire-Fighting Cutie Marks,” read the headline. The children gasped. “It’s not true!” Terry, the orange pegasus groaned. “Are you sure?” Cheerilee asked. “Well, we did have class today,” Sweetie offered. “I’m afraid you three have gone too far this time. Punishment is going to be an essay on the Self-Affirmative Excursion on the Importance of Specialized Marks of Trade, 3000 words, on my desk tomorrow.” ___ “Why are you here, uh, my princess?” asked mare Carrot Top. Her golden mane was blazing in the setting sun. “Well, I heard you had something for me,” Celestia answered. She was looking eagerly behind the tiny mare to her garden. “I don’t have anything besides carrots and vegetables…. Roseluck has some new blue roses that are very pretty, perhaps you meant to see those?” Celestia’s eyes snapped to the scared mare, “I am never wrong, look at this!” Celestia thrust a newspaper into Carrot Top’s face. "Equestria's Largest Carrot unearthed by local mare. Celestia to inspect later this month,” the headline read. “That ridiculous!” Carrot burst out. Celestia scoffed, “I know! So… where’s the carrot?” ___ “Officer, I dun’t know what I did wrong,” Pipsqueak said to the officer. The officer frowned. “You don’t know what you did wrong? You are a traitor to all of Equestria!” the officer spat. Pipsqueak reeled. Surely all his escapades for candy wouldn’t be the cause of this? “No, sir. It’s not wrong to like candy, innit?” “Candy? Candy! Not where you’re going! You are going to pony jail!” “Oh, bugger, but why?” Pipsqueak pleaded. The officer pulled up a newspaper and put it on the table which separated the two. “Blue Police Box found hidden amongst apple grove. Local colt Pipsqueek blamed for British propaganda in Amareican soil," Read the headline. “My name’s Pipsqueak, not Pipsqueek…” he muttered. The officer jumped over the table and grabbed at Pip’s neck. “Your name is whatever I saw it is, you British bum.” ___ Other headlines "Old batch of Apple Family Cider intoxicates local populous. In other news, Nurse Readheart's Hangover Medication goes up 34% in Stalk Market shares." "Mayor Mare bribery scandal leads to discovery of illegal hair-dye warehouse." "Fluttershy wins "Environmentalist of the Year Award" but is revoked after anonymous tip about alleged "Shed of Death". "Stormy Weather expected in Ponyville for the next few weeks after rally calling for Anti-LGB Legislation" "Mail Courier to formerly apologize for mistakenly eating packages and mailing in Blueberry Muffins." "The Dr. is admitted into Ponyville Mental Institution following attack on laundry machine." "Local library imposes ban on candles and baby dragons." "Luna to host Second Annual New Nightmare Night. Spaghetti Dinner to follow next day." "DJ Pon-3 to release new book 'The Existentialist Mare: Lessons of a Travelling Musician'" "Famed Cellist Octavia found ravin in local nightclub. "I had a coupon and it was going to expire" explains body-painted musician" "Cakes to file for bankruptcy. Fail to explain loss of ordered 100 Corn cakes." "Hoity Toity to unleach new 'Hipster Clothsline'. Fancy Fedora states "It's the worse thing to happen since Coltplay".