//------------------------------// // Chp 1: Plot Holes and Egg Puns // Story: Jack Stone in Equestria // by Dark Chocolate //------------------------------// A voice comes over the radio in Jack's police cruiser, “Jack! We got a robbery in progress! 134th and Princeton!” Jack reaches down with his badass hand and answers his badass radio. “A little busy chief, this ambulance just cut me off!.” Jack's voice is deep and raspy, like your standard badass but with an unhealthy spoonful of douchebag on top. The chief's voice shakes nervously, like when you're making a racist joke at work. “Um...it's an ambulance. They're allowed to do that.” Jack pauses for a second. "Well I already shot out its tires so too damn bad." Jack hangs up the radio...or turns it down, whatever you do with radios when you’re done. Jack smooths back his badass mass of curly brown hair that's rock solid from years of hair gel abuse. His big badass fluffy brown mustache is accompanied by a crappy pair of aviators because they all look stupid no matter what. Jack pulls up to a bank and sees three criminals with ski masks on and a few light brown bags with dollar signs on them because why the hell not. He gets out of his car, and glares at the criminals. "Put the bags down or you're all getting cavity searched!" They stare back, pull out pistols and start shooting at him. Jack ducks inside of his cruiser. The shooters get into a black getaway car, and speed off. Jack gets out and examines his surroundings. To the left, he sees a sports car, with the driver waving at Jack to get in. Besides the sports car, Jack sees a monster truck, as well as a landed helicopter, loaded with a SWAT team. Lastly to the right, he sees a tempting fourth option. Jack narrows his eyes. “Bingo.” Jack speeds down the street, with screaming fillies in the back of his school bus. The getaway vehicle may be long gone, but nothing detours Jack Stone! Not even common sense! As Jack bravely speeds down the road, with tiny pony children clawing desperately at the windows to get out, he sees several other cruisers barreling down the street after him. Jack smirks. “Looks like backup just arrived. Excellent.” Jack hears a bullhorn from one of the cop cars. “You in the bus, pull over immediately!” Jack narrows his eyes angrily. “Looks like this chase just got a bit...over-easy.” Jack laughs furiously at his own pun and slaps the steerling wheel. He hears the bullhorn again. “Just pull over the bus and you won’t be harmed!” A young filly with white fur and a pink mane tugs on Jacks sleeve. “Please Mr.! We just wanna go home!” Jack sighs in annoyance. “Hey, I need your advice like I need better adjectives!” Jack takes a badass left, and then a badass right, before pressing on the badass accelerator. Sparks from the front right rotor shower all the pedestrians on the sidewalk. Jack sighs with annoyance. "Probably shoulda let the driver finish changing the tire before I pistol-whipped him." Miraculously, and because I forgot where I was going with this, Jack sees the getaway car parked on the street. He pulls up, and thinks for a moment. “If there’s one thing I know about criminals, they won’t shoot children…” The three robbers are upstairs arguing about who gets what cut, when the door is kicked in by Jack Stone, with two pistols drawn. The three robbers bolt from their chairs, draw their guns and stare confused. Jack has a filly duct taped to each limb, with three on his chest, one across his crotch and one lying across his head. Jack smirks confidently. “Shoot me, and you shoot the fillies. Looks like I just...hardboiled your plans!” One of the robbers, wearing a red jacket, is the first to speak. “Dude you are one sick bastard! Luckily for us, we came prepared!” The robber motions to the left side of the room with his pistol, where several mares and colts are tied up and gagged. A second robber, in a blue jacket, grabs a hostage, and drags them over to the middle of the room with a gun to their head. The third robber, with a green jacket, smiles valiantly. “Looks like you’re out of moves pig!” Jack narrows his eyes and smirks, because all Jack knows how to do is be a jackass and smirk. “Oh really? Well two can play that game!” Jack runs over, grabs a hostage, drags them out to the floor, and puts a gun to their head. “Surrender or I start killing hostages!” The robber in the red jacket speaks up. “You...you can’t do that, you’re a cop!” The green jacket robber starts to panic. “If he starts killing hostages, then there won’t be anything to stop the police from raiding us!” Jack laughs badassing-ly. “A cop? No...I’m Jack Stone.” Jack pulls out a second pair of aviators and puts them on over his current ones. He starts shooting at the robbers who duck behind cover. They try to get a clear shot at Jack, who is still covered in fillies. The children scream loudly. Jack watches carefully from behind cover, that he doesn’t technically need thanks to the robbers sense of morality...ironically. Jack sees an opening, and fires. The bullet bounces off the counter, and the ceiling fan, nailing the blue robber in the head. The green jacketed robber decides to try and get a lucky shot in. He fires at Jack, who catches the bullet in midair, and throws it back at the robber, killing him instantly. The red robber gets up with his hands raised. “Ok fine I give up.” Jack glares, “Sorry but...looks like you counted your eggs before they hatched.” Jack points his pistol at the robbers head. The robber starts to panic. “You...you can’t do this, it’s murder!” Jack stares for a moment, “Murder? No, this is Jack Stone.” Jack shoots him in the face. He untapes the fillies from his body. The white one from before bites his ankle before she runs off crying. Jack yells furiously. “Hey! You should be grateful, I technically deputized you all! You’ll never make it in the force with that kind of attitude!” A fourth robber with a yellow jacket and black ski mask bursts out of the refrigerator. He has a submachine gun and begins spraying bullets at Jack. Jack dives behind a pillar, as the robber continues to shoot at him. The robber begins to gloat. “Looks like you’re out of options piggy!” Jack glances from behind the pillar. “Clearly you don’t know….Jack.” Jack puts on a third pair of aviators before diving out the window. As he dives out, he flails his arms as the building explodes behind him. Jack lands on the ground all superhero like...like you know how Black Widow always lands? With like her right arm and leg out, and she looks up all badass? Yeah like that. The chief runs up to Jack, he has red hair with a bushy mustache the same color, and yes the curtains do match the drapes. He’s heavy set, which is the politically nice way of saying he’s really fat. “Jack! Nice job taking out those bank robbers!” He talks like he’s constantly groaning, and toned down just a few notches. Jack puts his hands proudly on his hips. “I guess you could say it was all...sunny side up!” Several officers walk up to Jack Stone laughing, along with six super models in bikinis who all put their arms around Jack, laughing as well. Jack Stone stands in front of Princess Celestia, who has a very annoyed look on her face. “So...you went after some bank robbers. How much of that story is actually...true?” Jack Stone looks down at the ground with guilt. “Everything except the actual bank robbers happened...I may have taste-tested some stuff from our evidence locker back at the station…” Celestia stares at Jack in confusion. “So...you tasted something that was probably drugs, stole a school bus full of foals, duct-taped the same children to yourself, shot and blew up a building, then were greeted by supermodels…” Jack shrugs with a gigantic smug smile. “What can I say, I guess crack really...cracks me up!” Jack laughs loudly as the same six supermodels in bikinis from before walk up to Jack laughing as well, and put their arms around him. Celestia looks around the room confused. She rolls her eyes before pulling out a flask. “I’m getting too old for this crap.” She mutters.