//------------------------------// // Tirek's Kingdom // Story: My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd // by Lord Seth //------------------------------// A long time after a long time ago, in a galaxy far away from a galaxy far away, in another universe entirely, a brown unicorn wandered through an alley. This is not his story. Instead, it is the story of a different brown unicorn in a different alley. Actually, it isn’t his story either, but his story involves events that start up the actual story. “Oh boy!” said the unicorn to himself. “A dark alley! I sure hope no one ambushes me while I’m here.” Just then, a figure appeared. “The irony!” shouted the unicorn. “‘Is he friend or is he foe?’ the pony wonders,” said the aforementioned figure to the aforementioned unicorn. “I can assure you, I–” “Actually, I wasn’t quite wondering that,” interrupted the unicorn. “What was going through my mind was–” “Oh, come on!” said the figure. “I had this ominous speech all ready until you screwed it up.” “Uh, sorry?” asked the unicorn uncertainly. “Whatever. I’ll just take your magic.” The figure drained the magic from the unicorn, erasing his cutie mark as well. “Well, that wasn’t very nice,” muttered the unicorn before falling over. “I might as well finish my ominous speech,” said the figure. “I am Lord Tirek, and I will take what should have been mine long ago!” “Lord Tirek. Huh. Any relation to Lord Seth?” asked the sprawled-out unicorn. “Who?” “I don’t know,” said the unicorn, “but I think I heard he was important.” Tirek grumbled. “All this work on this great ominous speech and I just get asked about some guy I’ve never heard of. Back in my day, ponies respected the ominous speech.” “Yeah!” said Chrysalis as she entered the scene. “You should accept the fact he put some work into that! Here, let’s try again. Give the rest of the ominous speech.” “That was the ominous speech,” said Tirek. “Wait,” said Chrysalis, “so your entire ominous speech was ‘“Is he friend or is he foe?” the pony wonders. I can assure you... I am no friend. I am Lord Tirek, and I will take what should have been mine long ago’?” “Uh, yes?” said Tirek uncertainly. “Two things,” said Chrysalis. “First, that’s a lame ominous speech. Second, having a quote within your speech makes it weird for me to quote it because it requires a quotation within a quotation within my dialogue! It looks so awkward.” “Why should you care? I said it out loud!” “True, but if someone were to write this all down, it would look really weird.” “Well,” said Tirek, “I thought it was a great ominous speech.” “Really?” asked Chrysalis. “With that ‘is he friend or is he foe’ line? That was one of the cheesiest things I’ve ever heard.” “Screw it,” said Tirek. “I’m out of here.” He walked off. “Uh, any chance I can get my magic and cutie mark back?” asked the unicorn. “You’re just a generic character,” said Chrysalis, “so who knows?” Just then, Luna arrived. “Chrysalis! This isn’t just a dream; it’s a vision,” she said. “Wait, this is a dream?” asked Chrysalis. She paused. “Well, that would explain why everything seemed even more meta than usual.” “Could you be serious for just one minute?” asked Luna. “Probably not,” said Chrysalis. “Anyway, why do you have to come into my dreams to communicate with me? Can’t you just knock like everyone else?” Luna sighed and placed her hoof on her forehead. “Look, Chrysalis. The point is that this clearly was a vision about how Tirek will return to cause havoc and how you, as the reigning ruler of Equestria, need to take the necessary precautions to stop it.” “So, wait, did this vision already happen, or is this something that will happen?” “I think it already happened.” “Including the part where I came in and complained about the situation?” “No,” said Luna, “I’m pretty sure that part was dream exclusive.” “Are you sure this wasn’t just a really weird dream with no relation to reality? Because I’d hate to prepare for what turns out to be nothing.” “Yes, I’m sure!” snapped Luna. “Wait,” said Chrysalis. “How do I know you’re not a figment of my imagination within the dream? You might not be the real Luna.” “Oh, for the love of,” grumbled Luna. “Fine!” She disappeared. “I really need to stop eating that garlic, green pepper and tofu chili before I go to bed,” muttered Chrysalis. She was then abruptly woken up by a rather loud noise. “Whosawhatit?” she asked groggily. “Just doing the Royal Canterlot Voice to make sure you woke up,” said Luna. “You could knock first,” said Chrysalis as she got out of bed. “What’s so important you had to get me up?” Luna face-hoofed again. “Chrysalis. Do you not remember what just happened in that dream you had?” “I’m not very good at remembering dreams,” Chrysalis said. “Did it involve chili? I think I remember that part.” One exposition dump later… “Are you sure this was a vision and not just my subconscious trolling me?” asked Chrysalis. “Because it has a tendency to do that.” “Yes, I’m sure!” said Luna. “Ugh,” said Chrysalis. “Well, I know what I have to do.” “Hi, everypony!” said Chrysalis cheerfully. “Hello, Chrysalis,” said Sunset, Suri, Gilda, Flim, Flam, Lightning Dust, and Trixie unenthusiastically. “Oh, come on, show some enthusiasm! For all you know I’m here to give you some kind of gift or something rather than a task to complete!” “Okay,” said Sunset wearily, “the last time we went through this, you made us have to deal with Discord after making a bet with him on how quickly he could drive us crazy. Are we going to have to go through that again?” “Maybe,” said Chrysalis. “Anyway, before we get to anything else, it’s story time!” She pulled out a book and started to read it. “There was once this bad dude named Tirek, who was not a bad enough dude to steal magic from Equestria, as was his plan. I mean, he was a bad dude in the terms of being bad meaning evil, but he wasn’t a bad dude in the terms of bad meaning cool, which was why he failed despite being the bad dude, as he was evil-bad rather than cool-bad. Particularly considering the cool-bad Starswirl was able to befriend Tirek’s brother, Scorpan. So he got locked up. Tirek, I mean, not Scorpan or Starswirl. Now he apparently got out. So someone needs to deal with him.” After she finished, Chrysalis threw the book away and it exploded. “And that’s us, I assume,” said Sunset. “Huh?” asked Chrysalis. “Nah. You guys are weak, especially without those Elements of Irony you used to have. I’m sending Discord instead, as he’s more powerful and could find Tirek by sensing whenever someone is stealing magic. You guys can do whatever inconsequential things you inconsequentially do in your inconsequential lives.” “If you don’t need us, why in the world did you come all the way here to Ponyville just to tell us something that didn’t matter to us?” “Because now I can write this trip off as a business expense on my taxes,” said Chrysalis. “Anyway, tallyho!” She left. “Well, that was a waste of time,” muttered Sunset. “Who actually says ‘tallyho’?” wondered Trixie. “I was hoping having to spend all that time with Discord might make her more tolerable, but I think she might be even more annoying than before,” said Gilda. “As long as we don’t have to deal with this sort of thing for once, I’m okay,” said Suri. “It’s such a nice change of pace to not end up dealing with some giant monster.” “By the way,” said Flim, “did you ever figure out what that box that came from that tree was about? Because I’m sure we could get a good price from it if we sold it. Who could resist the lure of the mystery box?” “I’m pretty sure anypony could resist the urge of something whose contents are unknown,” said Sunset, “especially when they have no way to open it, and even the seller doesn’t know the contents! I’m not getting rid of this until I know what’s in it, because it might be important. And, more importantly, would probably be worth more than a box with unknown contents if sold. Though if you guys can find somepony willing to pay a high enough price maybe, I would sell it.” “Righto!” declared Flam. “Let’s go!” Sunset watched Flim and Flam run off. “Well, that got rid of them, at least. Since I apparently have nothing better to do, I might as well get to work on that box.” “Oh boy!” said Discord. “We get to spend more time together! Don’t you agree, Chryssie?” “One, I told you not to call me that,” said Chrysalis. “Two, we’ve already spent way too much time together. Three… you’re so annoying that I forgot what three even was.” “You could just leave me to deal with Tirek by myself,” noted Discord. “Oh no,” said Chrysalis, “I’m keeping an eye on you. You’re too much of a loose cannon to trust without supervision. What kind of idiotic ruler would I be if I didn’t keep an eye on you during this?” “That hurts, man. That hurts,” said Discord. He then got hit in the head by Chrysalis. “Ow!” “No,” said Chrysalis, “that hurts.” “Ha!” said Discord. “Joke’s on you! That hit didn’t hurt at all, and I was just pretending it did when I said ‘ow’!” “Joke’s on you,” said Chrysalis, “because that was a really light hit that wasn’t intended to hurt and served only to demonstrate that because that hurt more than what you previously were claiming hurt, it showed that you weren’t hurt at all in the first place and were just trying to play for sympathy!” “That was really clumsy sentence structure,” said Discord. “And while I’m sure you’d like to continue this attempt to outdo the other in terms of being annoying, I should mention that Tirek is totally draining the power of someone right now.” “Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” “Just a moment,” said Discord. A moment paused. “Okay, let’s go.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared. Chrysalis stared at the spot where Discord was. “Naturally,” she muttered to herself. “Greetings!” said Discord as he appeared in front of Tirek, who had just finished draining the magic from another pony. “I was originally going to go up to you disguised as a pony, but then I realized that would serve no real purpose other than to provide something to make fan art of.” Tirek stared at Discord. “Fan art? What are you babbling about?” “Well, of course you’d be confused,” said Discord dismissively. “You don’t have fans.” Tirek scowled but ignored the comment. “I’m more surprised that you’re free. I commend you on the escape.” “I’m afraid the feeling isn’t mutual,” said Discord as he snapped his fingers and handcuffs appeared on Tirek’s wrists. “Oh, I should have known you would want to have Equestria all to yourself,” said Tirek. Chrysalis finally caught up to them. “You could have brought me with you!” “But then you wouldn’t get exercise!” said Discord. “You could stand to lose a little weight.” “I do not need to lose weight!” snapped Chrysalis. Tirek glanced at Discord. “You’re not saying you’re friends with ponies?” “Hey!” said Chrysalis. “I’m clearly a changeling!” “Oh, you’re a pony at heart,” said Discord. “What does that even mean?” “Anyway!” said Discord to Tirek as he ignored Chrysalis’s question. “I realized that actually taking over all of Equestria would be awfully boring, and things would be a lot more fun if I didn’t. Nothing is actually chaotic when everything is chaotic, you know? Besides, they Discord-proofed a bunch of stuff anyway, so I probably couldn’t take over even if I tried.” “Discord-proofed, but not Tirek-proofed,” said Tirek. “Discord, help me to grow strong, and be rewarded with something far greater than friendship. Freedom. Once I’ve stripped these ponies of their magic, nothing would–” “Could you just zap him before he babbles on further?” asked Chrysalis impatiently. “I don’t want to hear another lame speech.” “Now, wait just a minute, Chryssie,” said Discord, eliciting a growl from Chrysalis. “I think it would be impolite to not hear him out. Go on, finish.” “Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to see their world turned upside down,” continued Tirek. “Who better to do so than the master of chaos himself? Join me, Discord, and reclaim your greatness. Unless, of course, ‘pony errand boy’ is the role you’ve always wanted to play in this world.” “Okay, he gave his stupid speech, now will you just take care of him?” asked Chrysalis. “He’s obviously just going to betray you if you help him out. And as surprising as you might find it, I do have other things to do with my time than this.” “Hrm,” said Discord to Tirek. “Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. But, unfortunately, I can’t accept because, as noted, you’d just obviously betray me at some point. Though I am still interested in that newsletter.” Tirek abruptly ripped apart the handcuffs. “Very well,” he said. “I guess I’ll do this the hard way.” “Wait, how did you–” started Chrysalis before being interrupted by Tirek grabbing magic from them of them before departing. The two collapsed. “Okay,” said Chrysalis after she managed to herself back up, “note to self: Always eat a full breakfast before you get the magic sucked out of you.” She turned to Discord. “You’re supposed to be incredibly powerful. How in the world did he snap those chains and steal your magic?” “Well,” said Discord nervously, “funny story there. You see, when I was on my trip a while ago, there was this accident involving a genie and a robot that resulted in me being substantially weaker. Sorry.” “And you couldn’t think to tell me this beforehand?” asked Chrysalis. “Why would I want to tell people I’m weaker than they think I am?” “Okay, okay,” said Chrysalis, “time for Plan B.” “I hope you had a good reason for calling us all here,” said Suri. “I was in the middle of something.” “Quiet,” said Sunset. “Anyway, after doing research, which I’d like to note none of you helped me with–” “You didn’t ask,” pointed out Flim. “Because I knew you guys would screw it up! Anyway, based on some research and supposition, to open up the box we all have to find some time we demonstrated one of the Elements recently, which will then open it up. Anypony have any?” “Ooh! Ooh!” announced Lightning Dust as she waved her hoof in the air. “I totally demonstrated loyalty when I helped Ponyville out in the tryouts for the Equestria Games!” “First,” said Sunset, “those games got canceled. Second, you spent most of the time scheming to get on another team. That’s not loyalty!” “That seemed more like a case of honesty,” said Trixie. “I mean, you exposed the truth and whatnot about what Spitfire was up to.” “Okay, we’ll come back to that one,” muttered Sunset. “Suri?” “I guess that whole thing in Manehattan served as generosity?” said Suri. “Where I didn’t steal all of those fabrics?” “Are you seriously trying to say that not stealing counts as generosity now?” asked Gilda. “Maybe it’s honesty, as you actually did go through the whole thing honestly, but it’s not generosity.” “Ugh!” said Sunset. “We’ll figure it out later. Flim, Flam, you have anything for me?” “Saving the town from the Mane-iac and parasprites shows clear honesty!” declared Flim. “How?!” “Uh… we used ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’ to do it, and it’s true we can’t believe it’s not cider,” said Flim. He frowned. “No, darn it, I can believe it’s not cider, because I helped make it.” “Well, this is just wonderful!” snapped Sunset. “Has anypony here actually done something representative of their element?” Trixie held up a Mare Do Well comic. “I help make these. Since these things have comedy, obviously that should count towards laughter.” “You know, some of those jokes came from me,” said Lightning Dust. “I can be funny, too.” “I did most of then,” said Trixie, “Normally you’re the one who provides the action portions.” “Hey! I came up with all those jokes in the most recent issue where Mare Do Well mistook the aliens for–” “Enough!” said Sunset. “Okay, that’s one down. Did you do anything particularly kind recently, Gilda?” “Uh… I reassured you that you didn’t look as dumb as you thought you did in changeling form?” Sunset stared. “Wow. That actually… does seem like it counts. And because I’ve done magic, it looks like I count for my part.” She turned to Flim, Flam, Lightning Dust, and Suri. “Okay, you guys are going to go out and find some way to embody your elements so we can open this thing up.” “Do we have to?” complained Suri. “Being generous is so annoying. It means I have to give things up without getting anything in return.” “You kind of need the right opportunity to demonstrate loyalty,” said Lightning Dust. “It doesn’t seem like something you can just demonstrate on a dime. Or even on a nickel.” She paused. “Ha! See? I can totally do jokes.” “The sky is blue,” said Flim. “That’s true. Is that good enough?” “I don’t think you can just say something that’s true; if that were the case, anypony could do it. There has to be some kind of extra effort to it,” said Sunset. “Anyway, how to do it isn’t my problem! You guys figure it out.” “But aren’t you the one asking us to do it?” asked Flam. “If you guys want any part of whatever we get from this, you have to do your part! Now get to it!” “Well,” said Flam, “it’s not like we were making any progress finding a buyer for the unopened box anyway.” Chrysalis and Discord entered the room to find Luna. “So, how’d it go?” she asked. “Not well,” growled Chrysalis. “We need plan B. Did you get your sister and Cadance?” “About that,” said Luna. “Cadance is on her way, but my sister said she couldn’t get time off from work.” “Time off from work? The fate of Equestria could hang in the balance here!” “It’s not her fault she got fired from several jobs in a row due to circumstances out of her control. She lost that job with the Wonderbolts after they had to downsize due to some bad publicity they recently got, and then that parasprite removal company folded because some new way of dealing with parasprites was discovered… though you’d think even with a lack of references and a criminal record wouldn’t outdo the appeal of having a super-powered alicorn working for you. I told you that you should’ve hired her for some kind of position when she got rehabilitated after that whole Crystal Empire business.” “Ugh! Fine,” said Chrysalis, “I’ll hire her as a creative consultant or something.” “What does a creative consultant do?” asked Luna. “Absolutely nothing,” said Chrysalis. “But it sounds official.” One getting of Celestia later… “I’d just like to say,” said Celestia, “what an honor it is to–” “Yeah, whatever,” said Chrysalis dismissively. “Anyway, because Discord and I got our power taken away, you two are probably the most powerful beings at the moment.” “So you want us to take out Tirek?” asked Celestia. “Huh?” asked Chrysalis. “No. I want you to hide your power in someone else because he’s obviously going to go for you, and then he can’t drain your magic.” “That plan seems tremendously stupid,” said Discord. “If your combined power is supposedly enough to beat him, why not just all join up together and fight him? Why go through this convoluted plan of combining them?” “Exactly!” said Chrysalis. “It sounds stupid! That means he won’t be prepared for it!” “That makes even less sense! And I know something about not making sense!” “He’s not wrong,” said Celestia. “Okay, fine,” said Chrysalis, “that wasn’t the reason. I was just screwing with you. The real reason is that he needs a lot of power to drain someone’s power, and he has to do it in one go. If the power is separated, then he’d have an easier time even if you all attacked him at once, because he could take them out individually. If they’re all combined, then he’d have a much harder job with it.” “And who’s getting the power, then?” asked Discord. “Discord, did you pay any attention when I laid this all out for you earlier?” “Not really,” said Discord. “Okay,” said Chrysalis, “then pay attention this time. Tirek knows about Luna and Celestia as they were around when he was banished. So he would come after them. We’re going to combine their powers into Cadance because he probably doesn’t know about her, as she wasn’t around back when he was.” “Well, that’s slightly better,” said Discord. “But why are we listening to you? Your previous plan only made him more powerful.” “Well,” said Chrysalis, “if you had told me that you were a bit weaker, maybe I could have done things better!” “Excuses, excuses,” said Discord. Seeing that Chrysalis was clearly about to blow up at him, he quickly added, “But, whatever.” “Why Cadance?” said Celestia. “Why not just transfer Luna’s power to me or my power to Luna?” “Because,” said Chrysalis, “she’s the only alicorn around who hasn’t gone crazy and tried to take over Equestria!” “Oh, come on!” said Luna. “We only did that twice.” Chrysalis sighed. “All right!” announced Sunset after she had re-gathered up the rest of her group into her house. “Who has accomplished the goal of showing off their element that hadn’t done so already?” “Um…” “Er…” “Uh…” “Work with me here!” snapped Sunset. “You didn’t seem that obsessed about the box beforehand,” said Flam. “Well, I am now! I want to get whatever is in the thing because it’s likely to either be really important to dealing with some future enemy or be really valuable, in which case it would be worth money! Either way, it would be good to have!” There was a knock on the door. “Oh, joy,” muttered Sunset as she went to open it, finding Chrysalis on the other side. “Hi, everypony!” declared Chrysalis cheerfully. “Hello, Chrysalis,” said Sunset, Suri, Gilda, Flim, Flam, Lightning Dust, and Trixie unenthusiastically. “Is this just another visit to write off on your tax returns? Because I really don’t want to have to deal with that again,” said Sunset. “Oh, no, no,” said Chrysalis as she came in. “Congratulations! You’ve been selected as being the most important part of an overly convoluted plan I came up with!” “Joy,” said Sunset flatly. “Why does it have to be overly convoluted?” asked Trixie. “Can’t it just be regularly convoluted?” “Just tell me what it is you want me to do this time,” said Sunset with a sigh. “Discord and I tried to stop Tirek, but thanks to reasons that were mostly Discord’s fault, we failed and ended up getting our magic taken away. And in case you’re wondering, no, Tirek hasn’t gained the ability to shapeshift from me or any of the other changelings he may have absorbed by this point, because while that is reliant on the magic that can be drained, you can’t do it if you’re not also physically a changeling. The good news is that the absorption of the power is tiring—maybe it’s heartburn—so he needs to take a rest whenever he absorbs something particularly powerful, so he shouldn’t be a threat for a little while still. Rubber baby buggy bumpers. Anyway, the plan is that we need someone to get really powered up, so we need to combine the magic of the alicorns, as they’re really powerful, which is why Luna and Celestia are here with me, although outside. Ordinarily I would’ve wanted to do it myself, but from my understanding I can’t get the magic added to mine because mine got lost. We were originally going to combine their powers with Cadance’s, but she’s not really available at the moment so you’re the one that it looks like you’re the prime candidate. That was a rather long speech, wasn’t it?” “Why in the world isn’t Cadance available?” asked Sunset. “She got stuck in traffic on her way here,” said Chrysalis. “So until she arrives, you’re our best shot.” “Uh-huh,” said Sunset. “Dare I ask why you consider me your ‘best shot’?” “Well, originally I was going to assign to to who Tirek would least expect,” said Chrysalis. “But it took too long to go through expecting everyone that I gave up. The best person to pick would probably be one who’s already magically inclined, and who better than the Element of Magic?” “I think the might be the nicest thing you’ve said to me,” said Sunset. “Eh?” said Chrysalis. “Oh, no, that wasn’t a rhetorical question. There actually would’ve have been someone way better, namely Twilight. Remember how she got free of that Alicorn Amulet and she’s living up north now?” “Uh, yes?” said Sunset. “Good! Because I didn’t. Anyway, she was also unavailable, as she’s with Cadance. But you’re the runner-up! Well, the runner-up after the next runner-up, who–” “Can we just get on with things?” asked Sunset wearily. “Right!” said Chrysalis. “So, through power transfers that were for some reason never mentioned prior to now, you’ll get all that power. Then we just wait for Cadance to finally show up, combine that power with hers, and then we can take Tirek by surprise and beat him, save Equestria, and all the rest of that. Then we can all live happily ever after for a month or two until the next giant threat shows up. I’ve got a bet going that it’ll be androids from the future.” “Can I at least get something better than a sandwich for doing so this time around? That was such a lame reward.” “Hey!” said Flim. “That was a really good sandwich.” “Yeah, sure, fine, whatever,” said Chrysalis absentmindedly. “Oh, wait, I almost forgot. You can’t tell any of these guys about this plan. It could put them in danger.” “But… you just told her in front of us!” said Suri. “We already know!” “Oh, right,” said Chrysalis. “I guess we’ll have to erase your memories of that. Though there is one issue with doing that.” “Erasing memories exists in a highly morally ambiguous area and is presumably illegal anyway?” asked Trixie. “Nah,” said Chrysalis. “The issue is that memory-erasing spells don’t exist.” Everyone stared at her. “Anyway!” said Chrysalis. “The power transfer process! Let’s go!” Chrysalis left with Sunset. “The fate of Equestria is at stake and she still can’t stop trolling,” muttered Suri. “Well!” said Trixie. “I might as well mention that Lightning Dust and I have great news!” “You’re pregnant?” asked Gilda. “Ye… no! Neither of us is even dating anypony! How would we be pregnant?” “You are aware it’s possible to become pregnant without dating somepony, right?” asked Flam. “Gah!” said Trixie. “No, it has nothing to do with pregnancy! The good news is that it looks like we’re actually getting a film adaptation of Mare Do Well.” “Didn’t you already get that and reject it?” asked Gilda idly. “Yeah, but they wanted to make dumb changes. But the series is more popular than it was then, so we can keep greater creative control! It’s what happens when your main series is the second most popular comic series after Power Ponies!” “Well, uh, congratulations,” said Gilda in a deadpan tone of voice. “Somehow I think this is less than important compared to the potential fate of Equestria.” Meanwhile, outside… “The power transfer is complete!” declared Chrysalis. “But… we haven’t done anything yet,” said Sunset. “I know,” said Chrysalis. “I’m just rehearsing what I’m going to say when it’s complete.” “I’m really having some second thoughts about this,” said Celestia. “Look, I’m a bit low on options here!” said Chrysalis. “I’ve been over this already. We need to try to put all of the high powers into one being so they have a better chance against Tirek. Tirek knows about you two already, Discord and I can’t take the power, and right now Cadance and Twilight aren’t available. And I don’t want to wait because not only is traffic killer at this time of day, Tirek might show up in the meantime. Plus if you give too much power to anyone who has a history of trying to conquer things, maybe they’ll go nutso again and be a threat! I feel annoyed I have to explain all of this again!” “Oh, come on,” said Celestia. “I only did that twice. And I technically wasn’t out to conquer anything.” “Look, you get a 94.2477796% approval rating and then maybe you can call the shots.” “I still can’t believe you have that memorized,” muttered Luna. “Look, can we just get this power transfer done with?” asked Chrysalis. “This has dragged on too long. And I do have other things to do with my time than this.” “Wait, you do?” asked Sunset. “Do you think that ruling a country doesn’t take up a lot of time?” “Well, considering you seem to have time to screw around with me… wait, this whole power transfer thing isn’t another prank, is it?” “The safety of Equestria is at stake, and you think I might be be pranking you?” There was a pause. “Yes!” said Sunset. “Well, I’m not!” snapped Chrysalis. “Anyway, Celestia, being willing to transfer power to another individual in the case of emergency is listed in your job description, so if you want to keep that 401(k), you’d better do this!” One reluctant power transfer later… “The power transfer is complete!” declared Chrysalis. “Yeah, that was totally worth the rehearsal. Oh, and Sunset, just for the record, in the off chance you have any plans of doing something like using that power to take revenge for any pranks I’ve pulled, I should point out that having that level of foreign power puts considerable wear and tear on your body, so you’ll want to use it as little as possible if you don’t want to start aging yourself prematurely.” “Lovely,” said Sunset in a flat tone of voice. “You could try to be more enthusiastic,” commented Chrysalis. “Ugh,” groaned Luna as she got up after having fallen down due to the power transfer that was skipped over in the narration. “Getting your power completely drained really takes a whole lot out of you.” “Yeah, well, join the club,” muttered Chrysalis. “Okay, Sunset, you just stay here in Ponyville and be as inconspicuous as you can until we do get someone around here to take the power.” “And, uh, how do you suggest I be inconspicuous?” asked Sunset. “Inconspicuously!” said Chrysalis. “Thanks,” said Sunset flatly. “No problem,” said Chrysalis. “Though you should put more emotion into your voice. You’ve been saying a whole lot of things flatly as of late.” Sunset sighed and trudged back into the house. “So,” she said, “did any of you make an act that represented your element while I was out?” There was a pause. “I’m taking your silence as a no.” “How does demonstrating the elements open up the box thingy anyway?” asked Lightning Dust. “I mean, do you just do it and then it opens up? I feel like there’d be something extra.” Sunset pulled a book of a shelf. “Well, according to this book I was doing research in, you’re supposed to find something that represents some exercise of the elements, then you use it to fulfill one of the keys for the box, and then it opens up.” “What book would tell you that? That seems rather specific,” said Flim. “The book’s called ‘How to Open Up Mysterious Boxes That Drop From Magical Trees,’” said Sunset. “That’s… oddly precise,” muttered Flam. “Yeah, apparently it didn’t sell well. Anyway, the point remains, you guys all have to go and get something that’s related to a time you demonstrated your elements.” “Uh-oh,” said Trixie. “What if the box is really some aliens that came to our planet long ago and were imprisoned in the box by some sort of ancient magic, but then the box also turns out to be what holds something that lets them communicate with their spaceship, so once you open the box they get out and then zap us with their weapons and use the box to call for help, causing a massive alien invasion?” There was an awkward pause as everyone stared at Trixie blankly. “I read it in a story once,” she said defensively. “As I was saying,” said Sunset through clenched teeth, “you guys should find some way to demonstrate the elements, then get something from those incidents to use to open up the box. It might contain something important to defeating Tirek.” “And what makes you think that?” “You don’t think that something that popped up from a tree related to the Elements might not be some kind of weapon?” “Hrm, good point,” said Gilda. “What are you going to do in the meantime?” “Well, I suppose I could try to be inconspicuous over in that castle where we fought Nightmare Moon a while ago.” “You mean that one we also took a subsequent trip to where absolutely no whacky shenanigans happened and thus, in a story, would probably be skipped over completely?” asked Trixie. “Why do you need clarification?” asked Sunset irritably. “How many castles have we actually visited in the area?” “You never know,” said Trixie with a shrug. “Look, just find some way to demonstrate the elements,” said Sunset wearily. “Well, that was a bust,” muttered Lightning Dust. “I was hoping to get hired and then not quit immediately to provide evidence of my loyalty, but it turns out it can actually take several weeks to get hired. You guys do any better?” “Well,” said Flim, “we thought that answering ‘yes, it absolutely does’ to anypony who asked ‘does this make me look fat?’ could count as honesty, but we always got beaten up before we could finish answering the question.” “Incidentally, our medical bills went up a bit,” added Flam. “I was trying to give things away, but nopony wanted them,” said Suri. “Maybe I shouldn’t have been trying to get rid of the stuff people didn’t want?” Sometime later… “There has got to be something interesting to read to pass the time here,” muttered Sunset to herself as she looked through the books. “Or something that might help out in this situation. Maybe I should have brought one of those idiots along; not because I’d find them interesting to converse with, but because it would make me seem less crazy for talking to myself. Bah. I’m going to go get some air.” And so Sunset walked out of the castle, only to find a much-larger-than-before Tirek right outside it. “Huh,” was all Sunset could think to say. “Sunset!” bellowed Tirek. “You have something that belongs to me!” Crud, thought Sunset to herself. I think I’ll just have to try to stall him until I can think of what to do. “How did you even find me?” she asked. “I was just passing through,” said Tirek. “Really? You just happened to come here?” asked Sunset. “Where else would someone try to be inconspicuous after they’ve gained magic from a power transfer?” asked Tirek as he threw a fireball at her, which she dodged. “How did you know I had the magic anyway?” she asked. Tirek responded with another fireball. “Figures, a villain who isn’t talkative. Screw it,” muttered Sunset as she ran off. One chase sequence later, Sunset arrived back in Ponyville, only to find it strangely empty. “Hrm,” she said to herself, “this is strangely empty.” The redundancy in the dialogue and narration was abruptly stopped by a large fireball being launched at her by Tirek. Sunset dodged the blast, but it had the effect of destroying the library. “Hey! I didn’t have insurance on that!” she protested. “Little pony,” declared Tirek ominously, “no more escape.” Tirek fired a fireball at Sunset, which she was able to defeat simply by blasting with her own magic. Wow, I did gain some power, she thought to herself. “Impressive,” said Tirek in a clearly unimpressed voice. “I suppose the power of two alicorns, particularly the two alicorns you did gain power from, is not trifling. But I have gained the power of many ponies, Discord, changelings, and even the other alicorn and that lavender unicorn friend of hers.” “Wait, what?” asked Sunset. “You got Twilight and Cadance?” “Yes, I took the opportunity to do so before coming here,” said Tirek in a bored voice. “However, I see little need for us to fight. Not when I have these to bargain with.” Tirek raised his hand and floating bubbles containing Flim, Flam, Lightning Dust, Trixie, Suri, Gilda, and Chrysalis suddenly appeared. “Wait, where have they been all this time?” asked Sunset. “Were they just floating around somewhere?” “How about a trade, Sunset? Their release for the magic you have stored within you.” “Don’t do it!” said Lightning Dust. “Why?” asked Sunset. “Well, I wouldn’t do it if you were the one in one of these bubbles,” said Lightning Dust. “Ha! See? I can totally do comedy.” “How did you guys get captured anyway?” “Oh, it was an incredibly epic battle,” said Chrysalis. “It’s a shame you didn’t get to see it. It was one of the most epic things ever.” “Tirek just appeared and made these imprisoning bubbles form around us,” said Gilda bluntly. “And then everyone else just ran off.” “I liked the way I said it more,” said Chrysalis. “Enough babble,” said Tirek. “Sunset?” There was a pause. “Sunset?” asked Tirek in a more aggravated voice. “What? I’m thinking!” snapped Sunset. “Well,” said Tirek, “while you’re thinking, what I think I will do is start executing these friends of yours until you make up your minds.” “Uh, okay, wait!” said Sunset. “I’ll do it.” “As you wish,” declared Tirek as he caused the bubbles to burst, making them all fall onto the ground. “Could have done that a little more gently,” muttered Suri. “Your turn,” said Tirek as he absorbed Sunset’s power, causing her cutie mark to disappear and her to collapse. Tirek then nonchalantly walked off. “Ugh,” muttered Sunset as she shakily got herself back up, “having the power sucked out of you is tiring.” The others came up to her. “Wow,” said Gilda, “I didn’t know you cared so much about us.” “Actually, my reasoning was that I didn’t think I did have the power to defeat him, so my hope was that in giving the power to him, it would make him go away long enough that we could open up that box which would hopefully have something that could defeat him. It was just a calculated gamble. You guys did manage to fulfill your requirements, right?” There was an awkward pause. “Really?” demanded Sunset. “Really? You couldn’t do the one thing I asked you to do? The thing that the fate of the world depended on?” “I tried,” protested Lightning Dust. “Those job applications took a while.” “What do job applications have to do with… oh, who cares?” asked Sunset. “We’re all just going to be ruled over by Tirek now. All because I actually trusted you guys might do something right. You know, if not for the fact I’m so disenfranchised with the world, I’d probably be crying right now.” “Are you joking?” asked Gilda. “No, I’m not. Being glib about everything no matter how serious is Chrysalis’s job,” muttered Sunset. “She’s not wrong,” said Chrysalis. Gilda put her claw on her forehead. “No, I mean, are you actually joking around? Do you not see the solution?” “What are you talking about?” “You’re being serious. You didn’t see it?” “Just tell me!” Gilda sighed. “Fine. I’ll enlighten you. Okay, so everyone has to demonstrate an element to open up the box, right? Did it explicitly say they had to demonstrate their element?” “No, I don’t think it… wait,” said Sunset. “Do you mean–” “Exactly!” declared Gilda. “You and I fit Magic and Kindness. As for the rest?” She pointed at Flim and Flam. “Generosity for being willing to use up some of their product to save the town.” She pointed at Suri. “Honesty for being, um, honest in that whole Manehattan incident.” She pointed at Lightning Dust. “Laughter because I guess she can actually come up with a decent joke or two sometimes.” “A decent joke or two? Sometimes?” protested Lightning Dust. “Come on, I deserve more than that.” “Shut up. And Trixie counts as Loyalty because… uh… I guess when she was pestering Lightning Dust to work on the comic during that whole Equestria Games event. Loyalty to the fans. There. Done.” “Why didn’t you say this before?!” asked Sunset. “I thought it was obvious,” said Gilda. “Fine! Whatever! Let’s try it out!” said Sunset. One trying out later… “Well,” said Sunset as the box opened up, “I’ll admit it. That was smart thinking, Gilda. Let’s see, what we have is… a camcorder?” Sunset levitated the camcorder out of the box and stared at it. Then, to avoid the plot hole of how she could do that after losing her magic, time abruptly went back a few seconds and she pulled it out with her hooves instead. “This was… not what I was expecting,” said Sunset in disbelief. “I was expecting some kind of amazing power. Or at least something worth a decent amount of money. A camcorder?” “Oh, um, sorry about that,” said a particular gray-coated mailmare who had suddenly flown up. “I kind of messed up the delivery. That was supposed to go to somepony else.” “That box came out of a mystical tree! How the heck does delivery get messed up?” “I’m just a lowly mail carrier. How am I supposed to know? Anyway, just wanted to apologize,” she said before leaving, causing Sunset to simply stare in disbelief. “Um… we could find Tirek at a really embarrassing time and record him, then blackmail him?” suggested Flim. Sunset face-hoofed. “The specs on this thing actually look pretty cool,” said Lightning Dust. “I’ve been looking at the accompanying handbook. Do you know this thing has the power to broadcast whatever it records to everypony in Equestria? Although it looks like that really drains the batteries and you won’t be able to use it afterwards, and you can’t recharge because the company that made it went out of business before they could release the recharger.” “Great!” said Sunset sarcastically. “We can just broadcast us all getting killed by Tirek. Hooray!” “You know,” said Chrysalis, “considering the situation, I figure I might as well give a confession to you. It’s something I’ve wanted to say for a while, and this is probably my last chance, so I should probably take it.” “And what is this confession?” asked Sunset. “I’ve always loved ukuleles!” declared Chrysalis. There was a pause. “Ukuleles,” said Sunset in a deadpan voice. “That’s your confession.” “Hey!” said Chrysalis. “Everyone else is all about the violins and cellos. I tell you, ukuleles are an underappreciated instrument!” “She’s not wrong,” said Flam. Sunset started hyperventilating. “Chrysalis,” she said in a low and deadly voice, “is there something honestly wrong with you? All you ever seem to do is screw around with us. Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Like, I don’t know, run a country?” “Oh, have you ever tried to run one?” asked Chrysalis. “Do you know how much work it is? And how many stupid things I have to deal with? I had to recently deal with these two groups called the Hooffields and McColts who were feuding and causing all kinds of trouble when they couldn’t even remember what they were fighting about. It was the biggest freaking waste of time ever. So I’ll screw around with others like yourself because it’s the only way to not go insane!” “How’d you deal with those two group anyway?” asked Suri. “Oh, I just sent them off in opposite directions,” said Chrysalis. “An evacuation. Since they’re not very good readers, they misread it as ‘vacation’ and went along with it.” “And what are you going to do once they figure it out?” “Who cares?” asked Chrysalis. “Once they’re out of the country they’re someone else’s problem. Anyway! All of that aside, I actually do have a suggestion on how to defeat Tirek.” “Because your plans have worked out so well so far,” said Sunset. “Hey!” said Chrysalis. “It’s not my fault I didn’t know about Discord’s weaknesses, and as for Tirek detecting power transfers… okay, fine, that one’s on me. But, I’m assuming that as Tirek didn’t know about your status as a pony-changeling hybrid, he only took the pony-related magic and left your shapeshifting power intact, right?” “Fine, I’ll try,” said Sunset with a sigh. She was engulfed in flame and changed into her changeling version. “Huh, he did.” She shifted back. “So!” said Chrysalis. “All you have to do is put yourself on camera, make everyone love you, absorb all of that, and then you’ll gain all the power necessary to beat Tirek. All that love from all those different people should power you up so substantially that you’ll actually be more powerful than Tirek.” “How would you get anypony to love Sunset, though?” asked Flam. “She’s so unloveable. She’s obnoxious and annoying and–” “I’m also standing right here!” said Sunset. “Do you think she might be more appealing if she were to be shown playing ukuleles?” asked Chrysalis. “You guys are idiots,” muttered Sunset. “See?” said Flam. “That’s the obnoxious part I’m talking about.” “Well,” said Trixie, “if my life were a film–” “Which it isn’t!” interrupted Sunset. “Hence the if! Anyway, if my life were a film, the proper thing to do would be to use a side plot that was going on and integrate it into what’s going on here, in what would presumably be the primary plot and have that provide the solution.” Trixie stopped and looked in deep thought, then her eyes widened. “Oh, wow. Wow. Hang on everypony, I think I’m about to be brilliant!” There was a pause. “Care to share your brilliancy?” asked Gilda. “Not yet!” declared Trixie excitedly. “I want you all to think for a little bit about what my solution is before I continue. Then I’ll reveal it, and we’ll see if you guessed it properly!” “Trixie,” said Gilda in a clearly irritated voice, “this is stupid. Just tell us.” “Okay, fine, but if you didn’t use this time to think of what it was, then you’re going to feel really bad for not at least speculating,” said Trixie. “But this is the last chance.” There was a pause. “Okay, so to make sure, everypony has now thought about it and made their–” “Just tell us, Trixie!” shouted everyone. “Fine,” said Trixie. She pointed at Sunset. “You dress up as Mare Do Well and fight Tirek. Since your changeling powers haven’t been removed, you can even pass for a pegasus, which Mare Do Well is, under the costume. This will all be recorded on the camcorder and transmitted to everypony. Since the series is popular, the love of the fans towards the character will all be transferred straight into you, hopefully giving you enough power to beat Tirek. How’s that?” “That is the…” started Sunset before she abruptly stopped and paused for a moment. “That is… actually a rather intelligent plan.” “I know, right?” asked Trixie. “Sometimes I surprise even myself with my brilliance! Okay, let’s get this plan ready. Lightning Dust, I need you to get the Mare Do Well costume–” “Done,” said Lightning Dust, holding the costume. “Wait, did you just fly back and get it? Didn’t Tirek grab your powers?” “Nah,” said Lightning Dust. “I keep copies of the costume scattered around so that if I ever need to get one, I can easily grab it.” “Weird,” said Trixie, “but whatever. Suri, you need to adjust it so it fits Sunset.” “I’ll do it!” said Suri. “I’ll even do it for 90% off!” Everyone glared at Suri. “… but as it would be done for free anyway, it doesn’t really matter because zero times nine tenths is still zero,” she quickly added. She grabbed Sunset. “Come on, Sunset! To the laboratory!” “Laboratory?” asked Sunset. “My new nickname for my store!” said Suri. “That name makes no sense,” said Sunset. “Not my problem!” declared Suri as she dragged Sunset off. “Next!” announced Trixie. “As this could take a while, I need Flim and Flam to try to delay Tirek in case he’s ready to come back before we’re all set up.” “How?” asked Flim. “If I knew that,” said Trixie, “then I’d be doing it myself rather than asking you to do it!” “Flawless logic,” admitted Flam. “I’m sure we can think of something.” Flim and Flam left. “And what’s my part in all this?” asked Gilda. “Um,” said Trixie uncertainly, “I didn’t think of anything. Just go off and do whatever.” “That’s the way I like it!” declared Gilda as she marched off. “I’ll do the greatest whatever the world has ever seen!” “All right,” said Trixie to Lightning Dust, “that leaves just us. Time to get some dialogue ready for the fight!” “Greetings!” said Flam. “I know exactly what you want!” “For you puny ponies to be subservient to me?” asked Tirek. “Well, yes, that, but we’re going to be subservient to you in a particularly great way!” said Flim. He pulled out a bottle. “Ta-da! Welcome to the wonder of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’” “And you expect me to drink something you likely poisoned?” asked Tirek. “It’s not poisoned!” declared Flam. “You have the Flim Flam Brothers personal guarantee. And we even have a song ready for the occasion! Ready?” ”It’s the–” “SILENCE,” thundered Tirek. The song abruptly ended. “Now, the two of you are going to prove it isn’t poisoned or else I’m going to take the opportunity to destroy you both. Slowly. And painfully.” “Okay!” said Flim quickly. “We’ll drink some!” The two quickly opened up the bottles and drank some. “See? Perfectly fine.” “Very well,” declared Tirek as he grabbed one of the bottles. “But if this isn’t amazing, I’m going to destroy you both anyway. Although because it wasn’t a trick, it will be quickly and painlessly rather than slowly and painfully.” “What a nice improvement!” said Flim brightly. “Hrm,” said Tirek after he had finished, “this actually is reasonably tasty. If you can consider to procure this, perhaps I will give you an elevated status in my new regime.” “You mean we’ll be really rich?” asked Flam excitedly. “No,” said Tirek, “I just mean instead of eating mud all of the time like all the rest will have to do, you’ll only have to eat it most of the time.” “Uh, well, thanks,” said Flim. “Anyway, have some more!” Many bottles later… “Well,” said Tirek, “that was reasonably enjoyable. But now I have some things to do, namely finishing my conquest of Equestria.” Tirek left. “Wow, that guy can really hold his liquor,” said Flim. “All right!” declared Trixie. “Everything seems to be ready! It looks like Flim and Flam were able to delay Tirek for long enough. Now, Sunset, it’s really important you actually talk like Mare Do Well, so make certain that you only say what Lightning Dust or I instruct you to. The fans’ love won’t work if you don’t actually act like the character they love.” “Sure,” said Sunset. “And I mean it,” said Trixie. “I don’t want whacky misunderstandings to happen here because you said something different and then we have to improvise.” “I already said sure,” said Sunset. “Oh, and I almost forgot,” said Trixie. “You can’t punch Tirek in the face.” “What? Why?!” “Have to try to keep things appropriate for the kids,” said Trixie. “Punching him anywhere else is okay, though.” Lightning Dust approached. “Well, there aren’t any changelings around at the moment. I was hoping we could get one to play Carapace.” “Carapace?” asked Sunset. Lightning Dust sighed. “Have you read any of Mare Do Well? It’s her sidekick who’s a changeling. Plays the comic foil to Mare Do Well’s wackiness. But there’s no male changelings around to play his part! Why’d we have to name this town Ponyville anyway? It seems like it skews the population heavily towards, erm, ponies.” Large, pounding footsteps were heard in the distance. “And that’s probably Tirek,” said Lightning Dust. “I guess we’ll hope he functions right as the straight man. Well, I guess it’s up to Gilda to operate the camcorder. She’s the one with actual fingers, after all.” “Exactly!” said Gilda, who had just arrived. “All that ‘whatever’ I was doing was training in regards to the camcorder.” “Then why didn’t you just say that at the time?” asked Sunset. “That is a very good question!” said Gilda. “And I have a very good answer. But I can’t tell you right now for a very good reason.” “What is that reason?” “That is also a very good question!” Sunset stared at Gilda. “Look, if we lose, this is going to be my last chance to screw with you like this. Let me have a little fun.” “Let’s just get this started,” said Sunset. “Be sure that when you’re talking to Tirek, to say it pretty loudly so the camcorder will pick it up,” said Gilda. “I obviously have to stay a reasonable distance away.” “Final countdown!” declared Lightning Dust. “Sunset’s in the costume… check. She’s got that earpiece so we can communicate with her… check. Gilda’s got the camcorder to broadcast what’s going on to everypony to make the plan work… check. Okay, checkmate! The rest of us, get out of here!” The group quickly dispersed, leaving Sunset alone wearing the costume. Guess I’ll just find Tirek, she thought to herself. Finding Tirek proved to be very easy, as the rather gigantic being stomped up to the outskirts of Ponyville. “Okay!” came Lightning Dust’s voice. “So start up by declaring ‘halt, evil villain! Your short-lived reign of terror has come to an end!’” This is popular? thought Sunset to herself, but she shrugged and went along with it. “Halt, evil villain!” she shouted out. “Your short-lived reign of terror has come to an end!” Tirek stared down at her contemptuously. “And who are you?” “I am Mare Do Well!” said Sunset dramatically. “Champion of justice! Defender of the helpless! And moderately proud sponsor of Minuette brand toothpaste! Remember, if you want to make sure your teeth are shiny, always choose Minuette toothpaste!” Seriously, this is popular? Tirek stared at her briefly, then shrugged and threw a fireball at her, which Sunset managed to dodge. “What, were you upset about the product placement?” asked Sunset. “Look, being a superhero doesn’t pay the bills that well; I have to give endorsements.” “You are surprisingly quick,” said Tirek after several more dodged fireballs. “I wasn’t expecting there to be anyone who could dodge my attacks after absorbing so much power. Of course, that just means it’ll be more powerful for me when I take it from you!” Tirek took a stance to start the absorption, but before he could attempt to absorb her power, Sunset uprooted a tree and threw it his mouth to stop it. “Hey!” said Sunset. “Absorbing the power of ponies like that is wrong! Remember, you should always get consent before you forcibly remove anypony’s power!” After spitting out the tree, Tirek tried to grab Sunset, but she again dodged. She then flew up into the air and hit him in the chest, sending him sprawling backwards. As Tirek picked himself up, Sunset stared at shock at her hoof. I became that powerful? she thought to herself. I guess this stupid thing is popular. “Hey, Sunset,” came Lightning Dust’s voice, “do you think you have the power to pick him up?” “Pick him up?!” whispered back Sunset. “Uh… maybe?” “Good! Then do it!” “This was vaguely amusing at first,” said Tirek, “but it’s time to end this.” “Indeed!” said Sunset brightly as she flew over quickly and physically lifted up Tirek. “What in the–” started Tirek prior to being interrupted by Sunset slamming him down onto the ground. “So Tirek, now you see why good will always triumph,” said Sunset. “Because evil is bad.” “How did you get this much power?” asked an astonished Tirek. “For three years, I did one hundred push-ups, one hundred sit-ups, one hundred squats, and ran ten kilometers every day,” said Sunset as she punched him back down again. “What’s even the difference between a squat and a push-up for a quadruped?!” Right, thought Sunset. Because that’s the unbelievable part of that line. Out loud she said, “Well, I did have a movie I wanted to see, so I don’t have time to keep fighting. Let’s finish this!” “What, are you going to fire some kind of rainbow-colored beam at me?” asked Tirek contemptuously. “No, that’d be stupid,” said Sunset. “I’m just going to keep hitting you until you collapse.” A considerable amount of hitting Tirek everywhere but the face later… “All right!” declared Sunset. “Final blow time.” She readied herself to charge right at Tirek. “Wait! Wait!” said Tirek. “I have something to say before you do that!” “What?” asked Sunset indignantly. “Uh… um… er… April Fool’s?” Sunset stared at Tirek. “Yeah!” said Tirek. “This was all an elaborate April Fool’s joke. I wasn’t really trying to take over Equestria. And oh boy, did you fall for it.” “It’s not even April!” said Sunset. “Oh,” said Tirek. “Um… I guess when I was keeping track of the days when I was imprisoned, I forgot to count leap years, and that threw it off?” “Do you actually expect me to believe that?” asked Sunset. “Watch! I’ll prove it!” declared Tirek. One castle-building montage later… “Ta-da!” declared Tirek. “One giant castle ready to go! That totally proves I was just joking around, right?” Sunset stared at him blankly. “Great! So there is clearly no need whatsoever to banish me, throw me into a dungeon, or banish me and then throw me into a dungeon in the place that you banished me to,” said Tirek. What odd phrasing, thought Sunset to herself. “Okay, so what do you suggest we do do with you?” “Well, as I’ve clearly reformed,” said Tirek, “you should just let me go.” “How about you return all the magic you stole first?” “Right!” said Tirek. “The magic. The magic that I stole. The magic–” Tirek abruptly stopped midway through the sentence in order to slam Sunset straight into the ground. “Fool!” declared Tirek. “I can’t believe you were actually falling for that April Fools thing.” He took the opportunity to slam into Sunset several more times, leaving her dazed. “And now,” said Tirek, “I’ll be taking that powerful magic you have and becoming truly unstoppable!” “There’s one thing you don’t know,” said Sunset groggily. “What?” asked Tirek as he readied himself to deliver the final blow. “I’m not left-hooved.” Sunset suddenly leaped into the air and uppercut Tirek with her right hoof, smacking him straight up into the air. When he fell down, he came down with a crash. “But you were using your right hoof to begin with!” he said. “Oh, good point,” said Sunset. “Well, it’s a little late to tell me that now. Anyway, remember when I said earlier it was time to wrap things up? Now it’s actually time to wrap things up.” Sunset unleashed a flurry of punches and kicks to Tirek that knocked him out that, if this had been a comic, would have been accompanied by a number of comedic sound effects. “This isn’t… possible,” grunted Tirek as he fell down into a heap and passed out. “Well, time to return the magic to everypony,” said Sunset. She paused. “Actually, I have no idea how to do that. But when in doubt, just punch things really hard. For great justice!” Sunset punched Tirek in the gut really hard. Similar to how applying pressure to an inflated ball can cause the air to rapidly escape, this caused all of the absorbed magic to be expunged from Tirek and to fly off in every direction. Tirek shrunk back to his original size. “Huh,” said Sunset as she looked at the now considerably smaller Tirek. “I guess punching things really hard does solve problems. I should remember to do that next time the television isn’t working.” “And… cut,” came Trixie’s voice. “That should all do the trick.” “I’m disappointed we couldn’t come up with better lines,” said Lightning Dust. “Hard to write it well when it’s so spur of the moment. If this was an actual comic it would’ve been way funnier. Especially when he tried to pull that April Fool’s trick. I thought of so many great responses after the battle.” “Anyway!” said Trixie. “You should probably stick around until he gets properly detained, just in case he gets up in the interim.” “Interim?” asked Lightning Dust. “Seriously? Why not just say ‘meantime’ like anypony else? ‘Interim’ just sounds awkward. It doesn’t even sound like a real word.” “Meanwhile is such a boring word, though. Interim has more flair.” Sunset sighed as Trixie and Lightning Dust continued arguing. “At least I can speak normally again,” she muttered to herself. “Doing nothing but repeating their lines felt awkward. Seriously, ‘I’m not left-hooved’? Well, apparently the fans did like it, as I did get a power boost…” “Well, I have to give you all credit,” said Chrysalis, “you ended up beating Tirek and saving Equestria.” “Where in the world were you during all of this?” asked Gilda. “Oh, I was around,” said Chrysalis. “Anyway, I guess you do deserve some kind of a reward so… um… oh, I know! You don’t have to pay any taxes on the castle that Tirek built.” “That’s it?” asked Sunset. “Do you know how high castle taxes are?” said Chrysalis. “You’re getting a bargain.” “Wait,” said Trixie, “is the word ‘high’ there being used as an adjective for just ‘castle’ or the phrase ‘castle taxes’? It’s unclear if you’re talking about castle taxes that are high or taxes on high castles.” Chrysalis and Sunset stared at Trixie. “It’s a valid question!” said Trixie. “If you’d prefer,” said Chrysalis, “I could give you a lifetime supply of ukuleles.” “I’ll take the castle,” said Sunset quickly. “Thought so,” said Chrysalis. “No one else seems to appreciate ukuleles.” “So, does having a castle make me a princess or ruler or whatever?” asked Sunset. “No,” said Chrysalis. “Anyway, I have some stuff to actually take care off after this whole mess. Like beefing up security to make sure Tirek can’t escape again. Maybe we could add a sign saying ‘Please do not escape’ or something like that. Anyway, I’m bored now, so I’m off. I have to clean up the whole mess Tirek made anyway.” “Oh, you’re going to get rid of all the debris here in Ponyville?” asked Suri. “Nah,” said Chrysalis. “I’m talking about Canterlot and such. Ponyville can take care of itself. Eminent domain and whatnot.” “But eminent domain has nothing to do with this,” said a puzzled Lightning Dust. “Semantics!” declared Chrysalis. “Anyway, you guys actually seem to make a decent enough team, so I’m sure you can figure it out. And when you do, I’ll be able to retroactively claim it was all a friendship lesson of some sort! Woohoo! Wait, I probably shouldn’t have said that last part out loud. Or that part either. Or that part. Actually, no, that last part was okay, so never mind.” “And she’s still no more tolerable than before,” muttered Sunset after Chrysalis left. “I still would’ve liked an answer to my question,” muttered Trixie. “What are you complaining about?” asked Sunset. “You’re probably going to shoot up to number one in sales after all that.” “Chrysalis was actually right, though,” said Flam. “We did all manage to work together to defeat Tirek. We would’ve lost if any of us hadn’t been around.” “I’ll admit,” said Sunset, “you all have become slightly more tolerable.” “Great!” said Flam. “So I’m sure you’d have no objection to covering our costs for all of the ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’ that we used to defeat Tirek, right?” “Emphasis on slightly,” muttered Sunset. “I wonder how long it will take to get this town fixed up. Couldn’t take that long, right?” Three years later… “Hey, remember when Tirek attacked and Ponyville got wrecked?” asked an earth pony. “Yeah, I do,” said another. “They sure managed to get everything back to normal; it only took a week or two!”