Even from several meters away, Flim and Flam could hear the steady pulse of the blaring music from deep inside the massive building. The building in question hadn’t existed at all that afternoon, but by late into the evening it had suddenly appeared as if by magic somewhere close to Canterlot—tall, black, and ominous with a sea of dense fog surrounding it. It was clear that this was the “villains only” party they’d both heard about only days ago.
“Name?” asked the diamond dog up ahead holding onto a clipboard, standing behind a thin podium with another imposing diamond dog by his side. Both of them wore small nametags on their chests.
The pony he was speaking to looked taken back by that. “Really? You don’t know who I am?”
The diamond dog rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t be asking if I did. Now hurry up! State your name! The line’s long enough without your stalling.”
“I shouldn’t even have to give you my name,” the pony continued snidely. “You know what I did once? I overcharged Fluttershy on some food she wanted! She had no idea what was going on! I still laugh about it to this day.”
The diamond dog ground his teeth together angrily. “Seriously? That was your big evil deed?” He leaned to his side to whisper to the other diamond dog—the far bigger one with his bulky arms crossed over his chest.
In response, the larger diamond dog gave a nod and immediately grabbed the nearby pony around the shoulders and tail without a word.
“Hey! L-let go!” the pony stuttered out. “W-what do y-you think you’re doing!?”
“Ejecting you, of course,” the diamond dog with the clipboard replied evenly.
One hard throw later and the pony flew away into the night, landing with a splash some yards away in a hastily built swamp.
Flam gulped as him and his brother approached the podium next.
The diamond dog cocked a brow at them. “Name?”
“Two names, actually,” Flam began timidly. “Flim and Flam—salesponies extraordinaire!”
“Alright.” The diamond dog flipped through his long list of names for a moment before a thin smile touched his lips. “Why, of course! The world famous Flim and Flam brothers. Here you are!”
Flam nudged his brother in the ribs. “See? I told you we were on the list.”
The diamond dog happily agreed. “You two sure are on the list. Too bad it’s not the right list, though.”
Flam gulped dryly. “Then what list are we on?”
The diamond dog’s smile grew. “The list you wind up on when you leave Bad Dude behind on a mission. I must say, how very nasty of you two to do.”
Flim blanched and held out a hoof. “But isn’t being nasty a part of the job?”
The diamond dog waved a judgmental finger from side to side. “Not when you betray a member of your own team. But fear not, unicorns. You will not be thrown into the swamps for this misstep. Instead, another member of this party’s security team will be escorting you away from here.”
“What does that—” was all Flam got out, before the diamond dog whistled loudly and a gut-wrenching roar pulled at his attention from up above. Flam glanced up to find a giant red-and-yellow dragon rising up from the roof of the building—a toxic mound of black smoke oozing out its twitching nostrils. On the dragon’s chest was the smallest of identical nametags.
“Wait! Wait just a minute!” Flim yelped out to the diamond dog. “You like diamonds, right? We’ve got diamonds! A whole bunch of them! Just give us a minute to go get them and—”
“Diamonds like these?” the diamond dog asked playfully, spilling out a small bag of sparking white diamonds onto the podium. “This is only a small portion of the diamonds we’ll be receiving for protecting this place tonight. Think you and your brother have more than that?”
“I… uh…” Flam awkwardly fiddled with his bowtie. “I can go check!”
“Next!” the diamond dog shouted, before the dragon on the roof descended to the ground to scoop up both Flim and Flam within its great big claws. Both brothers shrieked as they were swiftly carried off to locations unknown.
The larger diamond dog watched them go while giving his head a shake. “The nerve of some ponies—leaving a little colt like Bad Dude behind? Giving villains a bad name, if you ask me.”
***
The “villains only” party was in full swing by the time Bad Dude arrived. All around him he could see villains and baddies and ne’er-do-wells of all kinds conversing and laughing and dancing together. To mark the occasion, Bad Dude had rented a small blue sports coat to wear, even slicking back his mane with greasy mane wax before making his way over.
Long tables had been set up along the rectangular room’s walls, loaded with every type of delicacy one could want: desserts, snacks, hoof food, drinks, and even a special section near the end for all the carnivorous villains that would be in attendance.
On a circular stage was a stack of black speakers and a turntable; all monitored by a white unicorn with thick sunglasses. Bad Dude had seen her before at other parties and on other occasions, but never anything quite like this.
Bad Dude tugged on Sombra’s cape as he came strolling by. “I had no idea that Vinyl Scratch wanted to be a villain, too! That’s pretty cool!”
Sombra furrowed his brows at him, taking a dainty sip from his colorful drink. “What are you talking about? We had to kidnap that unicorn’s marefriend so she’d come play for us. Don’t blame me. Discord’s idea, not mine.”
“Oh.” Bad Dude’s eyes bulged out a bit. “But we’ll give her back, right? When the party’s over?”
“As long as she does her job right,” Sombra replied sourly, before sweeping past another clump of excited party goers. Bad Dude watched as Sombra greeted Chrysalis by the tables of food and whispered something to her that made her laugh.
“Bad Dude!?” someone shrieked directly into his ear. “It really is you!”
Bad Dude spun to find the oddest of sights before him. Staring at him in near ecstasy was a brown colt with a mustard yellow mane and tail. On his back, he had on a small red cape with two lumps underneath. He must’ve been a pegasus.
Bad Dude thought for a moment. “Do I know you?”
The other colt shook his head from side to side wildly, matching the movements of his frantically swaying tail. “Nope! But I sure know who you are! I am just your biggest fan! That’s basically the entire reason I even wanted to become a villain in the first place! You! First you take out Princess Celestia and Luna by yourself and then you take over the Crystal—”
Instinctively, Bad Dude shoved his hoof into the colt’s mouth to silence him. “Sorry to stop you there. But what was your name again?”
Bad Dude ejected his slobbery hoof again so the colt could answer him.
“My name’s Terrible Colt!” the colt told him triumphantly, shooting a foreleg into the air. “And I wear a red cape so that every pony will remember who I am and live in fear of the color red!”
“Oh?” Bad Dude said bluntly.
Terrible Colt nodded. “Yep!” Then he blushed as another thought came to him. “If it’s not too much trouble, Bad Dude… I know you must be busy and all… but do you think you could autograph something for me? Just real quick like?”
Anxiously, Bad Dude scratched at the back of his head. “I guess so. I’ve never really signed anything before. I’m actually not sure if that’s all that villainous, honestly. Signing stuff.”
Bad Dude’s statement seemed to have little sway on Terrible Colt, as he retrieved a crudely drawn picture of Bad Dude for him to sign. Not wanting to hurt the excited colt’s feelings that night, Bad Dude quickly stuck one of his hooves in a small ink jar to then stamp onto the picture. It would have to do.
“Thank you so much!” Terrible Colt exclaimed, holding the signed picture against his chest. “I’m going to go talk to some of the other villains now. I think I even saw a few around here our age!”
Letting out a relieved sigh, Bad Dude watched Terrible Colt go before a far more foreboding figure took his place—namely, a dark blue goat with two curving horns atop a pair of glowing red eyes.
“You,” he spoke gutturally at him. “Bad Dude, yes?”
Timidly, Bad Dude nodded. “Umm… yes?”
“I am Grogar—brother of that whelp of a centaur known as Tirek.”
Bad Dude gave the tall goat a quick look over. “You do sort of look alike.”
Grogar shook his head at that. “Do not insult me with such words, Bad Dude. I have come here tonight for the sole purpose of ‘inspecting’ Tirek’s new group and have so far found it laughable at best. Parties with hats and streamers? This is not real villainy. Not true villainy.” He growled deep within his throat. “Equestria has gone soft over the years, yes? Something must be done about it.”
“Totally,” Bad Dude eventually answered, not completely sure how to proceed. “You… uh… want a lemon square or something? I made them myself.”
Grogar barked out a single deep laugh. “Cute antics, yes? You wish for me to bow to your rule, don’t you, little one? I’m afraid I will not be so easily coerced into blindly following a cute little colt towards the gates of oblivion.”
“I also made white-chocolate brownie bites.”
Grogar pursed his lips at that. “Well, it was never my intention of showcasing myself as some kind of monster while I attended this party. Lead the way to these brownies, Bad Dude, and I will decide your fate while I feast upon them.”
Grimacing, Bad Dude quickly led Grogar towards the table of snacks.
Thankfully, Grogar ended up deeming his white-chocolate brownie bites as “acceptable” and the party was able to continue unabated.
***
The pegasus known as Lightning Dust pressed her back up against the rock known as “Tom” and gave the camera attached to the tripod a mean snarl. Earlier in the night, a entire section of the party had been reserved so that guests could take their picture with “Tom”. Having heard about “Tom” before, Lightning Dust had been one of the first to sign up.
Only for some griffon to come start trouble with her.
“You call that a snarl?” taunted the griffon that was next in line behind her. “Newborn foals look meaner than you!”
Lightning Dust rolled her eyes. “Keep your mouth shut until it’s your turn, birdy. No one wants to hear you squawk, so put a cork in it.”
That caused the griffon to charge ahead and lean herself against the other side of “Tom”. She narrowed her eyes while she flashed her sharp talons in front of her.
The griffon told her snidely, “If there weren’t a no fighting rule in effect right now, you’d be down on the ground and bleeding already, little pegasus. I’d do to you exactly what I plan on doing to that rainbow-colored sissy once I see her again.”
Lightning Dust’s next carefully prepared insult faded from mind. “Rainbow-colored sissy? You don’t mean…”
“Rainbow Dash!?” the two flyers yelled out at once.
“Wait!” the griffon spat, angling a claw at her. “You also have a gripe against Rainbow Dash? I thought I was the only one that hated her that much!”
“Hate Rainbow Dash?” Lightning Dust replied in disgust. “I loathe Rainbow Dash! She practically ruined my life! Ever since that day at flight camp…” Just from the thought alone, Lightning Dust tightly curled her wings to her side and bared her teeth.
“Totally!” the griffon agreed her happily. “I can barely go a single day without wanting to smack that arrogant pegasus across the head. That’s basically why I’m here. I’m not so big on the whole ‘take over all of Equestria’ thing, but I am big on the whole ‘Rainbow Dash is a loser’ thing.”
Lightning Dust held out a hoof to her. After a moment’s hesitation, the griffon bumped her set of talons against it.
Lightning Dust’s face lit up in a grin. “Did we just become best friends?”
“Yep!” the griffon answered at once.
“You want to do some laps around the building to see who’s faster?”
“Yep!” the griffon answered again. “I’m Gilda by the way.”
“Lightning Dust.”
***
Trixie took a small sip of her fruity cocktail and had to do her best not to spit it out. Forty-percent of it must’ve been pure alcohol and the rest just cranberry juice topped with a small umbrella and straw. She thought about complaining, but decided against it. Trixie was still trying to weasel her way into C.U.T.E. in order to get more funding for her shows. Last time she’d been assisting Bad Dude, their entire plan fell apart even faster than it’d come together.
That still wouldn’t stop her from judging every other party guest that surrounded her around the bar.
“You call this a drink?” spat Diamond Tiara, holding a small glass of juice in her hoof. She glared up at the bartender as if her very eyes could set him on fire somehow. “You must be without a doubt the worst bartender I’ve ever seen! I’d rather drink tap water than take another sip of this!”
Behind the bar, Shining Armor sighed miserably—also appearing horribly uncomfortable in his little black-and-white servers outfit. He told her tonelessly, “First off, I’m not a bartender. I’m here against my will. Secondly, that’s just a cup of apple juice. I literally poured it straight out of the carton. So I’m not sure how you can complain about that, really.”
Diamond Tiara dropped the unfinished drink to the floor so she could stomp on it with a hoof. “You underestimate my abilities to complain, then! Apple juice out of a carton? This party sucks! I thought villains had lots and lots of coins to spend on events like these!”
Using his horn, Shining wiped at the counter with a rag. “Again, I’m not a villain. I’m a hostage. If you see my wife at some point could you tell her that I miss her, please?”
Diamond Tiara stuck out her tongue at him. “Sure! And then I’ll tell her how terrible you are at making drinks! Come on, Silver Spoon! Let’s go mingle with some of the richer guests around here.”
Keeping her head low to the ground, Silver Spoon talked in hardly a whisper. “Couldn’t we go now, Diamond Tiara? I don’t think we’re technically supposed to be here. This is a ‘villains only’ party, remember?”
Diamond Tiara exhaled in rage. “Of course I remember, Silver Spoon! You know how much trouble my father had to go through to get us invitations in the first place?”
“A—” Silver Spoon began dourly.
“A lot!” Diamond Tiara finished with a smirk. “As if I’d be left out of a party! Come on. Let’s go request a song or something.”
As the two fillies made their way across the dance floor, Trixie returned her attention to her terrible drink. She had to bite on her tongue as the alcohol burned its way down her throat.
“You come here often, precious treasure of mine?” someone asked her using a very foreign accent. “You glitter like gold, you know that?”
Trixie grunted in disdain when she felt a thick hand settle on one of her hips. She used her horn to zap at it with painful sparks until it let go.
Ahuizotl withdrew his tail-hand back to him, staring at its blackened fingertips. Greedily, he smiled at Trixie. “Playing hard to get, my dear? I know much about that. I seek treasures and I claim treasures! For I am—”
Ahuizotl accidentally hiccupped and spilled some of his drink on himself.
He snorted as his cheeks flushed. “Sorry. Seems I’m not so used to the types of libations you have around these parts of Equestria. They are good, but they are strong.” Leaning in to Trixie, he asked her smoothly, “I have an abandoned temple only a few thousand miles away from here. We could always leave this place and explore it together. Perhaps explore other things as well.”
Having heard plenty, Trixie used a hoof to shove Ahuizotl away from her. She then turned to get Shining Armor’s attention. “This one’s had too much to drink. Could you alert security about it? Maybe before he does something he’ll regret and I set him on fire?”
“What?” Ahuizotl complained, hiccupping again. He wrapped a meaty arm around Trixie’s very icy shoulders. “Don’t be like that, beautiful mare. I have treasure! And jewels! And—”
Before he could speak another ill-fated word, Ahuizotl was nabbed by a half-dozen diamond dogs and forcefully dragged across the floor towards the exit. As he was noisily removed, Ahuizotl raised his hands towards the ceiling to scream.
“Curse you, Daring Do!” he shrieked, his voice echoing off the room’s tall walls.
“Trixie’s name is Trixie, you stupid oaf!” Trixie replied angrily.
Ahuizotl stopped yelling for a moment to look at her again. “Sorry. Force of habit.”
He then cleared his throat to scream to the heavens once more.
“Curse you, Trixie! I’m actually a very nice guy once you get to know me!”
***
In the middle of the dance floor, Discord shook his tail and head from side to side, trying his best to trip up anyone that got too close to him. In preparation for the occasion, Discord had snapped himself up a sleek all-white dance suit with matching fedora. Grooving along to the pulsing techno beat next to him were Bad Dude, Tic, Tac, and Toe, and even his old friend Smooze, who had already injured close to a dozen party guests with his slime trail alone.
In mid-shuffle, Discord stopped long enough to glance around the room in order to take it all in. Leaning against one of the walls (and all trying to appear a lot cooler than they were) stood a gang of teenage male dragons. When one went to go dance alongside a mare, the dragon’s friends had ridiculed him without mercy until he returned to standing with them and brooding. Clearly, that group of dragons was far away from the smartest creatures at the party.
Discord turned his head and found two nearly identical unicorns sitting together on one of the party’s couches. One had a purple and light-blue mane and tail while the other had a lighter coat with a red and yellow colored mane and tail. It looked as if neither of the two mares had all that much interest in the party surrounding them; both of the unicorns gingerly nibbling on snacks while exchanging in quiet conversation.
Discord shrugged. Not every party guest can be interesting, he mused.
That was when Discord caught sight of Grogar standing by the snack table—another white-chocolate brownie in hoof. When Tirek got close enough to him, Discord snapped his fingers and caused Grogar to be shoved against the snack table from behind. Eyes shooting wide, Grogar whirled around to confront the perpetrator, only to find a rather bemused Tirek staring back at him.
Discord giggled underneath his breath. “And here’s when sweet ol’ Tirek finally leaves the group…”
Across the room, Grogar raised a heavy hoof towards his brother. In return, Tirek only nodded a single time and spoke a few words Discord had no way of hearing. A few moments later, Grogar used that same raised hoof to wrap around his brother warmly. Less than a minute following that, Grogar led Tirek to the bar area to order both of them a round of cold beers.
Discord painfully smacked himself with a claw. “Oh, for the love of Celestia!”
“Come on, Discord!” Bad Dude called to him from the dance floor. “Have fun! This is a party, isn’t it?” Bad Dude continued to dance to the energetic beat of the song, extending one foreleg and back leg out while bobbing along with his head. Tic and Toe, meanwhile, were currently spinning Tac on the floor in some new dance move that even Discord was unaware of.
“Fun, you say?” Discord asked him devilishly. “If you say so, Bad Dude.”
Lifting his eagle claw up to his face, Discord snapped himself to the stage and shoved one of his hands through the turntables. A single tear crept down Vinyl Scratch’s horrorstruck face.
“Listen up!” Discord bellowed to the crowd, snapping a microphone to his mouth. “All you cheap freeloaders listen up! It is I, Discord! Your official master of ceremonies!”
Half of the crowd cheered and clapped their hooves together. The other half ignored him outright and either continued conversing with one another or getting drunk off of their booze.
“First, a little good-natured ribbing!” Discord continued happily. “Where’s Bad Dude? Where you at, little Duder?”
A spotlight from the ceiling cast a harsh circular light onto Bad Dude in the center of the dance floor. Meekly, he waved at everyone that was now staring at him.
“There he is!” Discord exclaimed, holding a hand out. “Isn’t he cute, ponies and creatures? Isn’t he just adorable? I tell you, Bad Dude is so cute he makes Sweetie Belle look like hot garbage by comparison! Who knew hot garbage could look for cutie marks before?”
Only a single pony in the room laughed at that—Diamond Tiara.
Nervously, Discord pulled on his suit’s collar. “Tough crowd, I see. Well, speaking of hot garbage—Tirek is here this evening! How are you doing tonight, Tirek?”
At the bar, Tirek opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off by Discord.
“I’m only kidding, Tirek!” Discord yelled. “No one actually cares how you’re doing. How do I know this? Well, for starters, you’re basically the ‘Ringo’ of the Coalition of United Terrible Evils!”
On the couch across the room, the unicorn with the red and yellow mane snorted to herself.
Discord tiredly rubbed at one of his temples. “I guess you’d need to have visited the human world to get that one, but I digress! Who else we got? Sombra? Where’s Sombra?”
Again the spotlight overhead found its intended target.
Sombra shot daggers at Discord, but did not say a word; although he did somehow frown much harder than normal.
“Oh, the great King Sombra!” Discord continued on happily, chuckling to himself. “He tried to reclaim the Crystal Empire only a single time and was blown to smithereens because of it. You hear about this? You read about this?” He paused for effect. “I guess even the Elements of Harmony knew how much the audience hated him! One appearance only, please! We’ve learned our lesson!”
A bolt of bright red energy quickly zoomed at Discord’s head, causing him to split his face down the middle to avoid it. In the hushed crowd, Sombra’s gently blew on the tip of his smoking horn.
Once back together again, Discord laughed. “And he misses! Just like he did when he was trying to catch the Crystal Heart! Okay, moving on. Who else we got in the house?” He scanned the crowd for a moment. “Where’s Chrysalis? Where’s that silly changeling Queen of ours? Anyone seen her lately? That’s the problem with changelings! So easy to lose in a crowd! Unless they’re actually Chrysalis trying to impersonate someone, am I right? I’m not saying her Celestia impersonation is bad, but it’s almost like Tirek trying to impersonate someone interesting! It just isn’t gonna happen! Maybe it would be easier if Celestia just tried impersonating Chrysalis! Why don’t we give that a try?”
“Boo! Get off the stage!” Lightning Dust cried from the audience.
“Yeah! You suck! Discord? More like Don’t-even-bother-cord!” Gilda added, before the two flyers bumped hoof and talon again.
Somehow that actually got the biggest laugh of the night.
Using his microphone, Discord smacked himself over the head. “Okay! You want to play it like that? Fine! You all think this is just a little party? Hmm? A little get-together for the heck of it?” His red-and-yellow eyes floated over the party guests mischievously. “News flash, idiots! As much as I’d just love to keep giving you all of my free food and drink, I actually had another idea in mind. You all call yourselves villains, do you not? Terrible, terrible ponies and creatures from all corners of Equestria?”
Most of the crowd gave a small nod.
Discord smiled at them. “Good. Because what I am offering you all tonight is something special—something very special indeed. In exactly sixty minute’s time, the clock will strike midnight. By that time, I want Princess Celestia’s own personal crown in my hands.”
Clearly invested, Trixie rose from her barstool to shout to him. “And if Trixie can bring you Celestia’s crown before midnight?”
“Then you get to become the next official member of C.U.T.E. No questions asked. And reap the rewards that it entails. But, I will remind you, only one of you may claim this reward.”
All at once, the entire room became eerily silent and still. Heads turned to one another and those sitting down on couches and on chairs slowly rose to their hooves. It was only when the first guest at the party quietly shoved open the doors leading outside that everyone began panicking and shoving their way towards the exit.
With glee, Discord watched this all unfold, barely holding the growing laughter in his gut. Suddenly, the night had become far more interesting than when it had first started.