//------------------------------// // Bobbing for Opossums // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// “Okay, Rabuf, tell me what the plan is.” “Never pet a burning dog. Never pee near a gopher hole. And never ever crap where you eat.” Rotnart massaged his throbbing temples. “Why don’t you take another look at your notes.” “Good idea, boss.” After skimming over a piece of used toilet paper, Rotnart began again. “We’re gonna grab five opossums, turn them into doll opossums, and we’ll become super trolls once we put them in the lucky, special tree-thingy.” “That’s right, brother. And remember, all we need is five, but grab a few more if you can, just in case.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I go now?” “Knock yourself out.” Before Rabuf could take his club and bash himself in the head, the other troll stopped him. “I mean go into town, you bag of hammers.” Rabuf blinked. “I knew that.” And with that, Rabuf put on his “stealth suit” and began heading towards the Ponyville Nightmare Night Celebration. The older troll watched his brother make his way from the forest’s edge and into the outskirts of town. An irritatingly familiar voice invaded his thoughts. “Why are you including him on this mission? He can’t tell a pony from a mushroom.” “True, but he’ll provide one hell of a distraction. While he’s doing . . . whatever he’s gonna do, I’ll grab the five.” “If you can, steal five unicorn foals. They will serve you the best.” “Hey, you keep your trap shut unless I need you. You give me intel on these horses, and I’ll set you free from your prison once I have the power.” Rotnart could hear the feminine voice laughing in his ear even though she was far away. “Yes, and don’t even think about crossing me. If you do, I will end you in the most gruesome way imaginable.” The troll could not stop a shiver from going down his spine. But in spite of that, he managed a weak chuckle. “I doubt that. But I’m a troll of my word, and you will be free before this night is over.” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Rabuf’s big eyes darted from point to point as he peered through the eyeholes of his “stealth suit.” As the troll was making his way into the center of town, the other opossums were looking right at him. But the joke was on them. As far as they knew, they were just looking at a cardboard box. There was nothing unusual about a box that grew legs and moved every now and then. “Heh, and I thought this was going to be hard,” the troll giggled to himself. “Silver Spoon, would you look at this pathetic pony?” The troll’s heart stopped beating as someone punched the box. “This poor dummy couldn’t even afford one of those cheap hoof-made costumes those apple bumpkins are so proud of.” A different pony laughed. “You’re right, Diamond Tiara. I bet a real ugly pony is under there. He’s so ashamed of himself that he can’t show his face.” There was a shove on the side of the box so hard that it nearly pitched the troll onto his side. “What’s the matter? Are you afraid to show your face, Ugly?” The two fillies laughed at their own antics until a large hairy arm shot out from under the cardboard and grabbed Silver Spoon. The little filly’s screams were cut short as she disappeared into the box. Those who witnessed this laughed as the box went on its way, and Diamond Tiara took off screaming in terror. If someone wanted to play a joke on those two bullies, more power to them. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Rotnart looked around at all the weird looking costumed horses. “So this holiday is to celebrate you letting these idiots live another year if they give you some candy?” “It would appear so,” replied the Pony of Shadows. “In ages past, these peasants would have given me five foals every year or I would destroy their town. I look forward to returning to the good old days.” “You and me both,” replied the troll. And with that, the king strolled forward like he owned the place. Ponies everywhere stopped and stared at this newcomer in the hideous costume. One particularly scrawny pony dressed as a pirate came up to him. In a British accent he asked, “Wow, I’ve never seen a costume that ugly before. How’d you make it?” Resisting the urge to turn the youngling into a doll where he stood, Rotnart answered, “Wood, rubber, and formaldehyde.” The troll stepped around the foal, but the young pony followed him. “That is so cool. You know, there was this other pony that wore a costume kind of like yours a couple of days ago. He was practicing for Nightmare Night as a shaved minotaur. He looked ridiculous. You should have seen him.” Rotnart rolled his eyes and kept walking. “Oi, would you like to come with me to the Nightmare Moon statue to leave a candy offering?” “No.” “Ah, come on. All the other kids are going to be there. Just think how cool it would be if I got to introduce the scariest monster in Equestria to my class mates.” The troll stopped walking as he took this information in. He had to keep himself from salivating there in the middle of the street. An opportunity like this was just what he was waiting for. “You know, that does sound like fun after all. Lead the way.” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * After getting away from the crowded streets of Ponyville, the young troll had wandered down a maze of hay bales. Rabuf sighed as he took off his compromised stealth suit he had spent hours making. It was a shame to throw it away. However, he did manage to grab himself an opossum. His brother would be pleased. Taking the small statue out of his pack, he examined the little wooden doll and wondered if it tasted good. Before he could find out, an ancient voice asked, “Youngun. Did you make that?” Rabuf froze. He hadn’t realized he had come to the maze’s end. There in front of him was an old light-green pony dressed like a scarecrow. She was pointing at the wooden statue in his hands. The troll in response held up the box he had been wearing. “Yes, I did. It’s called the wheredgo. She’s a beauty, isn’t she? Made her with my own two hands. She gets .01 g.p.ms on the road and 30,000 off it. She’s yours for a song and dance.” Granny Smith blinked a couple of times. “Do your parents know that you wandered up this way?” “My mom’s a tree. My dad’s dead. He exploded when a human kissed him. I didn’t see it for myself because I was low-hanging fruit, dangling from my mom.” Before Rabuf could say anything else, the earth pony held up her hoof. “Sonny, you’re stranger then Discord’s middle name, but you look like you got a strong back. I need some help filling up these bobbing baskets with apples and water. My grand children ain’t here yet, and I need to get this done. If ya help me out, I’ll give you some bits for ya trouble. Maybe it’ll pay for a cat scan or two. What do you say?” The troll thought about this deal for a few seconds before saying, “Throw in a new wheredgo, and we got a deal.” “A what? Never mind. Let’s shake on this before I take my meds and come to my senses.” As Rabuf happily shook the hoof of Granny Smith, she immediately turned into a wooden doll. The troll’s heart dropped into his bowels. “Oopsie. Uh, I’d better start filling up those baskets.” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Minutes later, Rotnart found himself in the middle of a couple dozen foals and their parents. Despite being in a target-rich environment, he had to wait to make his move. It would look bad if he turned one of them into wood in front of such a large group. Perhaps his brother’s cardboard costume wasn’t as stupid as he first thought. “So, what’s supposed to happen now?” “Well, after we leave some of our candy at the base of the statue, Nightmare Moon appears and accepts the offering,” answered Pip. “Is she fat? I mean she’s got a lot of candy to eat there, and if she has to stop by all the towns in the area, she probably looks like a beached whale by the time she gets here.” Pip laughed. “Naw, she’s a lovely princess. I can’t wait for you to meet her.” But the princess was late, and the ponies became impatient. After half an hour of waiting, the ponies made their way back to town, leaving Pip and the troll king in front of a mountain of candy. The little pirate looked very depressed. “I’m sure she’s still coming. Let’s give it a few more minutes. Please?” Seeing no one else in sight, Rotnart began to reach for the foal to turn him into a doll. “Sure kid, take all the time you need.” At that moment, the wind began to blow, and the sky filled with ominous grey clouds. Pip smiled happily. “She’s here!” A flash of lighting blinded the troll. After rubbing away the after images, a tall blue alicorn stood in front of the candy. She raised a hoof to the air and yelled. “Citizens of Ponyville, your princess has arrived.” The king was nearly blown over by the sheer volume of the newcomer’s voice. “Ah, young Pip, it is good to see you again. Where is everypony else?” “They went back to town, your highness. Uh, you’re a little late.” Luna’s eyes widened. “What? I am not.” The princess looked at the moon’s position and frowned. “Yes, I am. I am so sorry.” “Don’t worry about it, princess. I made a new friend.” Pip pointed to the troll. “Princess Luna, this is Rotnart, a fearsome troll from another world. He stayed with me waiting for you when everypony else had gone back.” The alicorn smiled at Pip. “Did he now?” Turning her attention to the very worried-looking Rotnart, Luna said, “Thank you for staying with Pip. I know it meant a lot to him.” The troll smiled nervously. “Uh, no problem.” The princess looked at the both of them. “To reward you both for your vigil and your offering, I shall hereby spend one hour with the two of you. Come, my friends. Let us indulge in glorious fun.” “Yay! Best Nightmare Night ever,” shouted Pip. “F*&#ing hell . . . uh, I mean woo hoo!” cried Rotnart not so enthusiastically. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “Hold on, ya old opossum. Rabuf will save you!” Sprinting over to one of the baskets filled with water, Rabuf grabbed the pony that was obviously trying to drown itself. But as he lifted the opossum out of the water, the critter had turned to wood. Without a second glance, the troll tossed the doll into a different basket that was almost full of other dolls and ran to the next opossum that was trying to kill itself. A few baskets down from the troll, a donkey lifted his head out of the water. “Hey! There’s no apples in this thing!” Rabuf froze, arms just inches from the donkey’s face. He wasn’t expecting the cranky opossum to come up for air. “What now,” asked the troll? “Are you deaf? There are no apples at the bottom. It’s just water.” The troll looked from the donkey to the basket of water and then to the huge pyramid of apples off to the side. “Ohhhh, that’s what you’re doing! This all makes a lot more sense now. Yeah, I forgot the apples. Sorry about that.” Before the angry donkey could scream at the incompetent worker, he looked around. None of the ponies he walked in here from the hay maze with were around. “Hey, where’s Matilda, Setting Sun, Uncle Fritz, and the rest of the Ponyville Old Timers Society?” Rabuf debated if he should tell this animal the truth. “You know what?” And with that, the donkey met the same fate as his friends. As the troll hurried from basket to basket dumping in apples, the next group of ponies walked in. A tiny filly with a bow in her mane made her way up to Rabuf. “Hey. Where’s Granny Smith? And who are you?” “Uh,” the troll frantically looked around until he layed eyes on a small building with a moon on its door. “She’s in there?” “She’s in the outhouse?” The troll frowned. “Aren’t all houses outhouses since they’re outside?” Before the foal could answer, a much larger earth pony knocked on the door. “Are you in there Granny? Are ya okay?” The troll started to sweat. He had to come up with something fast. He turned around so that none of the other ponies could see what he was up to. Clearing his throat he started to talk, but his voice was now coming from the outhouse. “Yeah, this is I, Sranny Gmith. I am not a troll.” Big Mac paused. “Granny, are you okay? You sound awful.” “Well I sound better than you look you fugly opossum . . . I’m sorry, dear. I’ll be out in a minute.” Coughing to clear his lungs, Rabuf turned around and declared. “My name’s Rabuf. Granny put me in charge until her grandkids got here.” Applebloom eyed the stranger suspiciously. “That’s us. You can go now. We’ll take it from here.” Rabuf nodded enthusiastically. And with that, the troll scooped up his basket of dolls and made his way back through the maze. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “Daddy, I’m telling you something grabbed her from underneath a cardboard box. I can’t find her anywhere. I think something bad happened to Silver Spoon.” Filthy Rich was barely paying any attention to his daughter. He was too busy thinking about how to make more money. “Oh, your friend is fine, princess. It was probably Rainbow Dash pulling a Nightmare Night prank. Heh, I did that a lot, too, when I was her age.” The pink foal shivered. “That didn’t feel like a prank, daddy.” Before her father could reply, he bumped into a pony in a hideous costume carrying a basket of wooden dolls. The figures went everywhere, and Filthy’s jaw dropped. He had never seen such detailed statues anywhere. Not even in the Canterlot museums. He picked up one of the figures and knew then and there he had money in his hands. “These are amazing. Sir, did you make these?” Rotnart shook his head. “No, I didn’t make these opossums.” He picked up two of the dolls and explained. “You see, when a mommy opossum and a daddy opossum love each other very much, they make little opossums. I’m here to turn little opossums into wood.” Filthy Rich nodded, not really caring what the other guy was saying. “How much do you want for these sculptures?” The troll frowned. “What do I want for the wooden opossums? My brother and I want power. We become powerful when we turn opossums into dolls.” The greedy pony nodded absently. “I hear you, friend. But to get power, you need money. And I think you and I can sell these dolls to make money, lots of money.” “Daddy.” Mr. Rich looked down at his daughter. The little filly held up one of the dolls in her trembling hooves. “This one looks exactly like Silver Spoon. It even has her costume details, the one she was wearing tonight.” Filthy Rich took the doll from his daughter and shrugged, “I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, sweetheart.” The pony then started to laugh. “I mean how could this pony carve a statue like that in one night?” Rabuf laughed with Filthy for a few moments before saying, “I don’t know why we’re laughing, but I enjoy it.” “How many of these dolls do you have, friend?” “I lost count, but then again I don’t know what numbers are.” Filthy counted them all and did a quick calculation. “I think we can sell these things at 50 bits a pop, maybe more. If you’d come by my stand near town hall, I can guarantee you we can sell all of these dolls by the end of the night. You and your brother will become very rich and powerful.” The troll’s eyes lit up at that. “My brother does like power. And I think I do too. I don’t know, cause I’ve never had it before.” The older pony held out his hoof. “Do we have a deal?” Rabuf was about to shake the pony’s hoof, but at the last moment pulled his hand back. “We got a deal. Sorry I can’t shake. I got hand herpes. I wouldn’t want to give it to you.” Filthy immediately retracted his hoof and wiped it on his jacket. “Come, Diamond Tiara. Daddy has business to attend to.” Hearing no reply from his daughter, the older pony looked up and down the maze. He shrugged and declared, “She’s probably bobbing for apples. Come on, friend. Let’s get you set up.”