//------------------------------// // The Mystical World of Shaved Apes // Story: The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets // by TooShyShy //------------------------------// They have been with us for centuries. Lurking in the shadows. Observing us. Conferring with the Moon Ponies. Never interfering, but always watching. The elusive, the strange, the complex creatures known as: Hoo Mans! What is a “Hoo Man”? A “Hoo Man” is a very odd creature that can be found depicted in several ancient Equestrian cave drawings. The princesses keep them hidden from us because they are afraid we will find out the truth: That a long time ago, these “Hoo Mans” ruled over ponykind! What evidence is there that these “Hoo Mans” exist? There is evidence all around us! Every piece of modern technology we have developed thus far was actually introduced to us by these Hoo Mans! They originally gave ponykind the tools to flourish without magic, but the Moon Ponies rejected their vision of a magic-free, meat-eating society! What do “Hoo Mans” look like? Despite their intelligence, Hoo Mans are very unattractive creatures. According to the few known photographs of these creatures that exist, they appear as follows: Tall Very large in the waist area A strange arrangement of bush-like hair around their “neck” area A strange object they refer to as a “fedora” (most likely some mind-reading device) permanently affixed to their heads Two long, noodly appendages known as “legs” for walking Two even more noodly appendages known as “arms”. Attached to said arms are odd appendages for grasping known as “hands” Due to their inability to shapeshift or anything of that nature, they are forced to remain hidden! Why do “Hoo Mans” feel the need to watch us? That is still a mystery! But apparently, they are watching us at any given time! Should I be worried about these “Hoo Mans”? Fortunately, Hoo Mans don't seem at all dangerous. They seem content just observing us and only interfering occasionally. If I happen to see a Hoo Man, what should I do? Do not try to communicate with it in Equine! Hoo Mans have their own language that is similar, but also different, from ours. Their language includes many odd substitutions for common Equine words. In order to avoid confusion, memorize these substitutions! Buck (Equine) = Fuck (Hoo Man) (ex. Applejack helps the farm by fucking trees) Manure (Equine) = Shit (Hoo Man) (ex. That's a nice pile of shit, Applejack!) Hay (Equine) = Hell (Hoo Man) (ex. I love to eat hell for breakfast.) Music (Equine) = Dubstep (Hoo Man) (ex. I helped arrange the dubstep for my aunt's wedding) Destroy (Equine) = Kill (Hoo Man) (ex. That building is going to be killed next week) Bits (Equine) = Dough (Hoo Man) (ex. I'm going to need some dough before I go to the market) Idiot (Equine) = Breasts (Hoo Man) (ex. That decision makes you a breasts) Other Necessary Terminology Sir (Male Hoo Man) M'Lady (Female Hoo Man) Accident (Adolescent Hoo Man) Keep in mind that a raised “middle finger” is a sign of peace for Hoo Mans! This is according to Prince Blueblood, our trusted Hoo Man expert. If I am forced to engage a Hoo Man in combat, how do I assure my victory? Hoo Mans are powerful, but they have one significant weakness: Bees! A beehive should prove an efficient weapon to incapacitate a Hoo Man during battle. Friendly warning: Bees are very flammable. Is there anything else I should know about Hoo Mans? If you want to learn more about Hoo Mans, I suggest purchasing these books at your local (underground) bookstore: Your Hoo Man and You: The Domestication and Training of Hoo Mans by Big Macintosh One Hundred Business Practices of Very Successful Humans by Flim and Flam Hoo Mans: A Long and Exciting History with Many Failures by The Great and Powerful Trixie Hoo Mans Are Totally Metal by Moonlight Raven The Pros and Cons of Interspecies Dating by Discord Hoo Mans, Moon Ponies, and Other Myths by Time Turner