//------------------------------// // To The Moon! (Figuratively) // Story: The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets // by TooShyShy //------------------------------// The Story! Princess Luna, corrupted by her malevolent desires, became a wicked mare of darkness known as “Nightmare Moon”. Princess Celestia was forced to banish her sister to the moon for her crimes. The Truth! This wonderful tale of heroism and sacrifice is nothing more than a fabrication! Princess Celestia never banished her sister to the moon. The “wicked mare of darkness” spoken about in the stories is actually the third sister! And she was not a wicked mare of darkness at all! According to our research*, “Nightmare Moon” was actually leader of a secret race of equine known as the Moon Ponies! Who are the “Moon Ponies” (TM)? They are the puppetmasters behind some of biggest conspiracies in Equestria! A hidden race of ponies who reside on the moon, ruled by the benevolent Princess Nightmare Moon! But what about Princess Luna's return and redemption? A ruse! A ruse concocted by the princesses themselves to confirm their ludicrous story! If it wasn't for the drugs they put in our food to make us gullible and compliant, none of us would believe such a ridiculous tale! For one thing, the sun and the moon aren't raised by magic. That's just silly! What do “Moon Ponies” (TM) look like? Unfortunately, nopony knows! Everypony who has ever glimpsed a Moon Pony (or “Mony”) has been hauled away by the mysterious Mares in Pink and sent to the moon for their “crime”. And, to make sure their disappearance goes unnoticed, they are replaced by a magically engineered clone! What “conspiracies” are the Monies behind? Too many for this book to name! We highly suggest you read Planet of the Monies, an informative guide to Monies and their various conspiracies written by the illustrious Suri Polomare! The following are a few excerpts from Ms. Polomare's book. You know that ringing in your ears you sometimes get after hearing a loud noise? Yeah, that's totally the Moon Ponies trying to read your mind. Moon Ponies REALLY love invading your personal, you know, brain space and all that for evil purposes and what-not. So if you hear that ringing, you should probably stick your hooves in your ears and scream. Because they totally hate that stuff. Ponies are always talking about the dangers of, you know, alcohol and magic dust and whatever. But that's just the Moon Ponies! They know that if we inhale enough magic dust or get drunk off our flanks, we'll be able to see them! Because they're invisible or something. And you have to be really high or really drunk to see them. Don't believe me? I've been drinking and huffing all Celestia-damned day and I've seen about five of them! And about three fairies, but that's a secret, mmkay? Moon Ponies REALLY respect certain ponies. And if the Monies respect you, there's a chance they'll abduct you and make you a queen or something. Monies looove clothes. They're totally into wearing them, which is just bucking crazy. So if you're a fashion designer like me, be careful. In fact, for your own good, don't be a fashion designer. They might kidnap you so they can worship you or something. I don't know. I'm so bucking drunk right now. Omicelestia. Gtopajdjkdhdashhwhyagliteraryawardcelestiamabuck. The Monies worship Princess Celestia's flank. No, I'm serious. They have a shrine and everything. Can I stop writing this now? I have clothes to design or something. There's this big thingy of fabric. Or something. Coco, bring me the bucking fabric. THE FABRIC. Omicelestia, what am I doing with my life? Naturally, Ms. Polomare's book isn't available in bookstores! The princesses would never allow the truth to be published! If you are interested in Ms. Polomare's book, please send five bits to the address on the back of this book. You should receive your copy, or a book of similar quality, in 2 to 70 weeks. *or wild theorizing