//------------------------------// // Introduction // Story: The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets // by TooShyShy //------------------------------// Greetings, citizen of Equestria! If you are reading this, it means that you are: A. A worried citizen of our land who has come to know the truth B. A concerned pony who saw something they shouldn't have C. A changeling D. A puzzled bookstore owner or librarian E. All of the above You have made the right choice, dearest reader! For you have chosen harsh truth over blissful security, regardless of the risk. However, I must warn you! By holding this book in your hooves/claws/hands/tentacles/fins, you are putting yourself in grave danger. Why, there is a high chance you are being watched right now. But worry not! If you feel as if you're being followed or observed, simply set this book on fire and throw it into a nearby bush. And now that you've taken care of those pesky pursuers, it's time to address some questions you undoubtedly have. 1. What exactly is this book? This, my clever mare, stallion, filly, colt, or foal, is your freedom! It is the truth! This book contains secrets, conspiracies, and puzzling puzzles the princesses do not want you to know! 2. Where did I get this book? Unless you are one of Princess Celestia's magically enhanced spies, you undoubtedly found this charming little volume on your doorstep or underneath your bed. Perhaps you ordered a doughnut, but inside the bag you instead found this book. Or maybe you went to the movie theater and were handed this book instead of your bag of popcorn. Do not panic! If you have been given this book, it means you are destined to be one of our noble truth-seekers! 3. What “conspiracies”? Every day we are being brainwashed to believe things that are not true. We are merely sheep, tools of the oppressive tyranny of the princesses! But some of us have broken free. Some of us have seen things the princesses will deny exist! 4. Wait, why didn't any of my schoolbooks mention conspiracies and secrets? Because schoolbooks are a clever tool of the princesses! In fact, all books are tools of the princesses! Books must be avoided at all costs…..except for this one, of course. Note: Books are actually extremely dangerous, as the pages might be coated with invisible, odorless toxins meant to make you more compliant! We highly suggest piling up all the books in your house and then setting them on fire in the yard, preferably from a safe distance. For the safety of everypony else, we suggest you do this for your neighbors as well! 5. Who is Lyra? Unfortunately, we cannot reveal to much about the wonderful, beautiful, and powerful author of this guide. If this book were to fall into the wrong hooves, the princesses would have her brain erased! Rest assured, Lyra is the only sane pony in this land! 6. I want to help! Where should I start? Reading this book was a great start! You're 50% towards your goal! Now that we've covered all the obvious questions, it's time for your orientation! As most sane ponies know, Princess Celestia herself employs over 200 spies. Most of them are mind-controlled stallions and mares who do the princesses' bidding and have no recollection of it! Fortunately, this simple test will help you figure out if you're one of Princess Celestia's spies. Note: If you're not certain about any of your answers, it's safe to assume that you're a spy. If this is the case, please hit yourself in the head with a blunt instrument until you forget everything in this book! The fate of Equestria depends on it! Question 1: Do you like the taste of coffee in the morning? Question 2: Do you sometimes read books for fun and/or knowledge? Question 3: Do you sometimes wear clothes? Question 4: Do you enjoy chocolate? Question 5: Do you think Lyra is merely a deluded fool? Question 6: Do you occasionally yawn? Question 7: Do you sleep for more than one hour a day? Question 8: Do you enjoy long walks on the beach? Question 9: Do you believe that Celestia raises the sun and Luna raises the moon? Question 10: Have you been counting the questions? If you answered “yes” to any of these, you are most definitely a spy! If not, you are a normal, functioning equine! If you are not a spy, please continue reading! If you are a spy, this is a harmless parody and nothing of any importance whatsoever!