//------------------------------// // Bite My Butt // Story: Lupo the Butcher // by Zobeid //------------------------------// After making Gilda tend the front counter for a couple of days, Lupo eventually decided she could be trusted to do some simple meat processing. “Let’s start with the grinder,” he said. “Even you can’t mess that up.” He led her to the machine and took the canvas cover off it, while explaining, “Always keep the cover on the machine when you aren’t using it. This machine cost me a ton of bits. You break it, I kill you! Is powered by unicorn magic, with crystal here — see? You stick something in the funnel here, it starts up automagically.” He picked up a cut of meat and fed it into the funnel, and the grinder instantly began whirring and pulling it in. “Just like that! But mind your claws, unless you want to be called Lefty from now on.” Gilda shrugged. “Looks easy. Meat goes in here, poops out over there.” “Yeah, and it’ll grind anything. Steak, trimmings, shank, tripe, gristle… We make into cat food, maybe. Is great way to get rid of scraps we can’t sell. You wrap in paper over here, see? And keep everything clean!” “Sure thing, Boss.” Gilda popped her chewing gum. “OK, now you take scraps from the ice box over there and start grinding and wrapping them. I got things to do, I check on you later.” He departed and left her to the task. Gilda went to work. She got a bucket of scraps from the ice box and started to feed them into the grinder — cautiously, at first. She watched intently as the machine came to life, whirring and chopping the stuff into mincemeat. That was kind of cool. This was better than working the front counter. She wrapped the pink mass in white butcher paper and taped it closed, just as Lupo had showed her. When the bucket was empty, she went back to the ice box for another. And another. And another. Pretty soon the scraps in the ice box had dwindled, and only a bucket with some bones remained. Surely he hadn’t meant for her to grind up those. Or had he? She pulled a bone from the bucket and hefted it. “Will it grind? Let’s find out!” She fed the end of the bone into the grinder. GRAAAAAHHHH it sounded, much louder than the whirring noise it made when grinding meat, but it slowly pulled in the bone while clumps of moist, white meal tumbled out from the other side. “Woohoo!” Gilda hooted, as she hopped and flicked her wings. “You go!” She ground up a couple more bones, then started looking around for anything else to try it on. Her eyes settled on a dirty shop rag. She glanced toward the front of the store. Nobody was around. She giggled and pushed a corner of the rag into the machine. “Will it grind? Let’s find out!” The grinder whirred and pulled in the cloth, and white fuzz began spilling out the other end. The next victim was a broken off piece of broom handle fished out of the wastebasket. “Will it grind? Let’s find out!” GRAAAAHHHH!! “Sawdust, yeah!” Gilda next tried looking into the cabinets for more fodder. Tools… supplies… Gilda caught a glimpse of some black rubber hose and started to reach for it. Then the hose shifted, hissed and struck at her hand. Gilda squawked and jumped back from the cabinet. Her claws scrabbled for purchase on the smooth, hard floor, and her rump scooted back against the meat grinder. It whirred to life. The screams were incredible. Soon… Lupo sat in his office, at his desk. Across the desk from him was Gilda. Upon her rump was taped a white bandage. Upon her face she wore an aggrieved look as she explained, “So then the unicorn at the clinic charged me twenty bits for patching me up. And that’s why you should pay me compensation for my workplace injury. That machine is dangerous! And why do you even keep a snake in the shop anyhow?” Lupo shook with rage, having barely managed to hold his tongue this long. Now the floodgates opened. “Sunnama-BEECH! I don’t believe… You stupid chick! What did you think you were doing? You think this is a game? You’re supposed to be working here, not horsing around! I’m not paying you compensation! Not a penny! You should pay me, you plucking bum! You pull this kind of scat again, you’re outta here! I kill you!” Gilda just winced and waited for him to get the rant out of his system. Eventually he ran out of steam. As he panted, she asked, “So do I still have a job or not?” He sighed and sat back, his ruffled feathers starting to settle down. “Well, at least you didn’t break anything. Maybe you learn something.” Then he glared at her and added, “But you got some kinda nerve wanting me to pay you extra, when you already got a little behind in your work!” The next day Gilda came to work and found Lupo already setting up a hot serving counter and a huge container of chopped meat, along with buns and sauce. “This is pork butt day!” he explained. “Is house specialty, and we got a ton of pork butt sandwiches to sell.” Gilda eyed the counter. “You want me to make sandwiches?” “No, I make the sandwiches. You are gonna drum up business and bring in the customers.” “Uhh… How am I gonna do that?” Soon… If looks could kill, Gilda’s searing glare could have devastated the neighborhood, although the effect was moderated somewhat by the pink foam-rubber pig’s snout she had strapped over her beak, and the pig ears flapping at the sides of her head. Sitting on her still-bandaged hindquarters, she clutched a sign bearing the cute drawing of a pig and the words, in large, friendly letters: BITE MY BUTT! A couple of young ponies crowded on either side of her while a stallion wearing a bright tropical shirt directed a camera at them. “Smile, kids!” *FLASH* Watching nearby, a couple of young dragons jostled one another and laughed. The red one called out, “Hey, Gilda! You look like you’re coming down with the swine flu. Want me to get you some oinkment for that?” The green one added, “You ought to try out for the ballet. They’re gonna do Swine Lake!” The red dragon nudged him. “No way… She’d ham it up and hog the spotlight!” Gilda growled and partially opened her wings, feathers ruffled. The dragons laughed, and then the green one clutched at the red dragon’s wing and warned, “You better be careful what you say, Cletus. Gilda knows karate. She’ll give you a pork chop!” Gilda ground her beak and muttered, “Lupo… I. KILL. YOUUUUUU!”