//------------------------------// // 7: Derputante Ball // Story: Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human // by pjabrony //------------------------------// “Greetings, Ms. Karyn Hubert of Dormitory 4, University of State College Institute,” Derpy said. “Hey, Derpy. What’s with the fancy hello? And why the hat?” “Letter carriers of the Equestria Post Office are not permitted to fraternize while on duty. And my duties are not discharged until I have delivered my entire contingent of mail.” Derpy reached into her bag and pulled out a white envelope with purple and gold trim and passed it to Karyn. “And now I have. Hey, Karyn!” Karyn smiled. “Good morning. A letter for me? Who in Equestria would be sending me a letter?” “Actually, it’s an invitation.” “A what?” “You’re invited to a party!” “Because you think I’m really swell?” “Huh?” “Never mind,” Karyn said, and she started to open the envelope. “So what’s this party for and why am I invited?” “Don’t worry, you won’t be the center of attention like after the soccer game. This is for a young pony named Sweetie Belle.” “Rarity’s sister?” “Oh, you know her. Well, she finally got her cutie mark the other day, and—“ Karyn interrupted. “It’s a cuteceañera!” Derpy tilted her head and looked confused. “No, those went out of style a long time ago. Sweetie’s having a de-cute-ante ball.” “I keep forgetting that so much time has passed since the things I know about from Equestria—Discord’s return, the royal wedding, all that. But wait, Sweetie Belle’s just now getting her cutie mark?” “I know, she is rather old for it. But what can you do? Nopony can make it appear any sooner that it does.” “What mark did she get?” “Nopony knows, except her. That’s the way a de-cute-ante ball works. All the ponies wear dresses for the party, and at the end, they take them off, with the guest of honor removing hers last and showing her new mark off to everypony.” “So basically, it’s a masquerade for flanks instead of faces,” Karyn said. “No, it’s a de-cute-ante ball. So how about it?” “It sounds like a lot of fun. I’ll go.” “Well, technically you haven’t been invited yet. Not until you open your envelope.” Karyn laughed and lifted the flap, trying not to damage it, since was so pretty. “Now it’s official,” Derpy said. “On my back and let’s go get ready for the party!” They warped to Equestria and Karyn, for the first time, kept her eyes open. She was rewarded with the view of a party tent being set up next to Carousel Boutique, a few strong ponies pounding stakes into the ground, and a cart laden with food being unloaded by a mustachioed pony in a straw hat. Derpy landed next to him. “Hi there, sir,” Derpy said. “This is my friend Karyn, who you said you wanted to meet.” “Oh, the human! Darn pleased to meet ya! Name’s Magnum, and Derpy, you ought not to call me sir.” Karyn started to put out her hand, but realized that he would have nothing to shake with, and wasn’t sure if he wanted to hoof-bump. “You’re Rarity’s father, right? And Sweetie Belle’s?” “That’s me! Proud pappy of the two most bee-a-yootiful fillies in town.” “So I guess you’re to thank for this celebration?” Derpy asked. “Aw, no! Rarity’s done everything, including pay for the whole shebang. All I got to do is to help hauling.” He magically lifted a heavy case of wine off the cart. “And we got some fancy stuff to haul, too! Genuine champagne!” he said, pronouncing it “cham-pagg-knee.” “Check it out, Karyn,” Derpy said. “A Magnum carrying magnums!” “Cute, Derpy,” Karyn said. “Can we help out too?” “Won’t say I wouldn’t like the help, but I think you got an appointment to get to!” Magnum said. “Appointment?” “Oh, I completely forgot to tell you,” Derpy said. “Rarity said she wanted to make a dress for you, and you’ve got a fitting with her now.” “Wait, wait, wait. I’m going to a party. . . wearing an original Rarity?” “You hear that, Magnum?” Derpy said “Your daughter is famous even in the human world.” Karyn was practically dancing with excitement. “Well, not among humans in general, but do you have any idea how much brony cred this means? It’s like having Pinkie Pie throw a party for you or having Twilight Sparkle be your tutor!” “But, Karyn,” Derpy said, “You’ve had both of those happen to you already.” “Oh, that’s true. I guess I’m just a girl at heart, who gets excited by a dress.” “Nothing wrong with that,” Derpy said. “Everypony likes to dress up.” “Rarity’ll be in that boutique of hers,” said Magnum, pronouncing it “boo-tee-cue.” “I’ll go introduce you.” Karyn followed Magnum, finding herself drawn to the affable pony. He might not have been the most educated stallion, but he was definitely personable. Once inside, she saw Rarity herself working on a dress that Sweetie Belle was wearing. Sweetie had something like pasties covering her flanks, and the dress flowed behind her. It was lily white and pleated, and was trimmed with a cottony lace in a pinkish hue, and gave her the look of walking on a cotton candy cloud. Pearls and amethysts lined the edges. As soon as Sweetie saw Magnum, she leaped off the stand. “Daddy!” she called out. “Careful, Sweetie Belle!” said Rarity. “I almost tore this dress.” Sweetie ignored her. “Do I look pretty, Daddy?” “You sure do, my little one. You sure do.” His chest was sticking out in front of him. Rarity said, “If you’re going to fawn over Father, at least take that off so it doesn’t get damaged. I’ll finish it on a dummy. Honestly, it’s like talking to a wall. Oh, hello, you’re the human! So nice to meet you!” “I suppose I should just go ahead and change my name to ‘The Human,’ at least while I’m in Equestria.” “Oh, how rude of me, it’s Karyn, of course. And I’m Rarity. I am sorry about the name, but I’ve been so looking forward to meeting you. To design a dress for a whole new body type is such a delightful challenge.” “Don’t worry about it,” said Karyn. “May I see the dress?” “It’s just coming off of the press, dear. But I can show you the fabric. I had it made special for you. Tell me what you think.” She had led Karyn over to a rack where bolts of cloth were hanging. Using her magic, she stretched out one and showed it off. It was a light gray, and was faintly dyed with a pattern of bubbles. “It’s perfect, Rarity,” she said. “But, did you use the same fabric for Derpy’s?” “Oh, no! This pattern is so unusual as it is, that to have twin dresses with it would be far too gimmicky. No, for hers I used this pale peach color,” Rarity said, pulling out a plainer, but still luxurious, bolt. “I told her that you two would complement each other nicely.” “And what did she say?” “She said that, yes, you were always saying nice things about her and she about you.” Karyn laughed. “Yeah, that’s definitely Derpy.” From looking around the boutique, Karyn could tell that Rarity’s star had only continued to rise in the fashion world since the time from which Karyn knew her. All the equipment was shiny and new, and there were fancy dresses in various states of completion all over. But most telling of all, there were two assistants, identical twins, working there, clearly pleased to have the opportunity to learn from a giantess of the industry. One of these helpers came up to them with a hanger. “Here’s the dress for the human, Miss Rarity.” “Thank you, Tweed.” “I’m Twill, miss.” “Oh, my. I’m going to have to make you wear nametags at some point. Never mind, go back to the preparations. It’s terribly busy here, Karyn, what with the party, but I want to take time for you and fit this right. Go ahead and try it on.” There was a changing screen nearby, and Karyn took the dress behind it, slipping out of her jeans and T-shirt. The skirt billowed out around her, and she made a mental note to be careful walking, since she would bump into things if she wasn’t. She was left with an odd, trapezoidal piece of material that she wasn’t sure how to put on. “Rarity? Could you help me with the top part? I’m not sure how to wear this.” “Of course, dear,” she said, walking behind the screen. “Do you see that round part? It stretches. Slip it over your head.” Karyn found the elastic circle and put it on until it closed around her neck like a choker. Then Rarity used her magic and connected the wide end of the fabric to the skirt. “There,” she said. “What do you think?” “Um. . . that’s all of it?” “Well, I haven’t accessorized it yet, but as far as the base, yes. Is there something wrong?” “But my boobs are hanging out!” “Your what, dear?” Karyn cast her memory back to the show. Every time ponies did dress up for parties or events, the outfits covered the flanks and the back. The equivalent area on a pony would be near their bellies, and those faced the ground. Rarity had clearly adapted her pony designs for how she thought a human would wear a dress. And since ponies didn’t have the nudity taboo, there was no way to explain. For that matter, ponies, at least of the Equestrian variety, didn’t have boobs at all. Even when Lyra sat human-style on a bench, nothing stood out. How could she explain to Rarity that going topless was a shameless display of sexuality on her world, and that she would be mortified to appear in public like that? “You see,” she said, pointing toward her breasts, “among humans—“ “You mean your chest! Yes, so beautifully round. And since your head is not nearly as elongated as ours, I thought I would emphasize the spherical theme. Hence the pillowy dress and the bubble pattern, which of course also underscores your connection to our dear Ms. Hooves.” Karyn thought about that. While not a surfboard, Karyn had little enough that she was sometimes envious of her more well-endowed friends. But now, she realized, she was the biggest girl in an entire world. Maybe showing off wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It was certainly an opportunity she’d never have on Earth. “I love it, Rarity. Don’t worry about me, and don’t change a thing,” she said. Rarity smiled and said, “Well, I have to make sure it fits, at least. Turn round.” She fawned over the dress, sticking pins and making chalk marks for the places she would have to take it in or let it out. “Yow!” Karyn cried out. “Careful!” “Did I stick you? I didn’t think I would with material this thick.” “Actually it felt like you burned me. Not too bad, just that I wasn’t ready for the feeling of the heat.” “I don’t know why. But in any case, I’ve got it all marked up. It looks good. Now, just lie down so I can nail the shoes to your feet.” “What?! No!” Rarity laughed. “I’m joking, dear. I actually consulted with Lyra about what sort of shoes humans wear, and I think I’ve come up with a nice adaptation. She insisted I play that prank on you, though.” “She’s been hanging around Pinkie Pie too much.” “Anyway, here are the shoes.” To Karyn, they looked like a cross between a true horseshoe and an orthopedic foot support. They were oval-shaped with a hole in the middle, though the cushiony gel would, in her estimation, provide support. But there was no way that she saw to keep them on. “How do they work, then, if you’re not nailing them on?” she asked. “Just a bit of magic, darling. Slide your foot horizontally on top to put them on or take them off. They won’t detach if you pull in any other direction.” Karyn tried a few times before she got the hang of it, but then agreed that it was a very practical way to have a simple shoe. “You can go ahead and take everything off, and it will be ready in plenty of time for the ball,” Rarity said. “Thank you, Rarity. It’s a wonderful gift.” Karyn threw her old clothes back on and headed out to find Derpy. She found her under the tent setting tables. Karyn grabbed some place settings from a box and helped out. “Did you try on your dress?” Derpy asked. “Yeah. It wasn’t quite what I expected, but I’ll definitely be showing off.” At the front of the tent, Sweetie Belle and her father had been chatting, but they were soon joined by Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. Karyn noticed the three friends and tapped Derpy on the shoulder. “Look, it’s the other two Cutie Mark Crusaders.” “The what, now?” Derpy asked. “Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.” “Oh, I know them, but what was it you called them?” “The Cutie Mark Crusaders.” “Karyn! That’s the name of their secret society. Secret as in you don’t talk about it.” “But they call themselves that. They let everypony know that they’re crusading for their cutie marks. Or were, since Sweetie Belle has hers. They even entered a talent show under that name.” “Doesn’t matter. Secret society.” Karyn decided this was yet another argument she was not going to win. “Well, whoever they are, can you introduce me?” “Oh, sure.” They walked up as the Crusaders were in the middle of a conversation. “. . . and he lived out west, outside of Flankouver,” Scootaloo finished. “Hey, girls,” said Derpy. “I wanted to introduce you to my human friend, Karyn.” Karyn held out her hand to Sweetie Belle. “Congratulations on getting your cutie mark,” she said. “Thanks. Scootaloo was just telling us about some cutie mark history.” “Just about Littlecorn, a lumberjack stallion who had the largest cutie mark ever. It was a fallen giant redwood, and branch to stump measured over two feet long! How big is yours, Apple Bloom?” Karyn interrupted. “Oh, you have yours, Apple Bloom? What is it?” “It’s an apple tree, thankfully not fallen over,” Apple Bloom said. “It symbolizes both the family business and the family itself. I’m real proud to be an Apple.” “Now, the smallest cutie mark on record,” Scootaloo said, “was right here in Ponyville, a few generations back. It was a tiny insect, so small that you needed a magnifying glass to see it. The mare who had it went on to become a famous entomologist in Canterlot. It was lucky that her friends were with her when she got it, or nopony might have noticed.” “Scootaloo knows all about cutie marks,” said Apple Bloom. “She has a collection of cutie mark lore going back hundreds of years. Hey, Scoot! Maybe yours is the smallest and we never did notice? Have you ever checked your flank with a magnifier?” Karyn noticed that Scootaloo was the only one not wearing anything, and that her flank was still bare. “Of course I have. Trust me, I’m a genuine blank, last of the group,” said Scootaloo. Karyn expected to hear disappointment in her voice, but instead there was a hint of pride. “It can’t be much longer for you,” said Sweetie Belle. “You said that a year ago,” said Scootaloo. “I think that after Apple Bloom got hers, we all assumed that it would go in age order, but obviously not.” “Oh?” asked Karyn. “Apple Bloom is the oldest?” “Yeah, she’s a year older than me, and I’m a year older than Sweetie Belle. But Apple got hers three years back, when she was eighteen years, three months, and thirteen days old. Sweetie here was nineteen years, two months, and three days old when she got hers last weekend. The Equestrian record is nineteen years, eleven months, and thirty days.” “Go on, then, tell her why you’ve been busting out all month,” said Apple Bloom. “My twentieth birthday is next week. If nothing happens before then, I’ll have the record for the blankest flank ever! But beyond that, it’s a chance for a breakthrough in cutienomics,” said Scootaloo. “Cutienomics?” asked Karyn. “The study of cutie marks. That’s what we in the know call it.” “And by ‘we,’ you mean ‘you’?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Well, I did invent the word. But there are plenty of other ponies who study it. At least two. In any case, I’m trying to prove that there’s a biological clock to getting your mark. That the record isn’t just coincidence, and that you can’t be twenty and blank. I’m specifically avoiding trying anything new for the next week. If I can stay blank, I’ll make history and record it at the same time.” “Cool,” said Derpy. “I’ll have to come and see you next week.” “Say, Derpy? How did you get your cutie mark?” asked Karyn. Derpy looked at the others and asked, “So, do you want to help finish setting up? Not Sweetie, of course, she’s the Belle of the ball, literally. Apple, Scoots, how about it?” Before they answered, Derpy trotted back and started unloading more place settings. Karyn decided she wouldn’t pursue the question. With four more pairs of hooves, the work went quickly, and soon enough they were sitting and drinking sodas waiting for the party to start. When a few other ponies started arriving early, Rarity invited them in to get dressed. Karyn went inside, her mind on her manners. There was still so much about Equestrian culture she didn’t know, but she hoped that if she was pleasant enough and tried to put the ponies she didn’t know at ease, that she would get through the evening. As she went behind the screen to change, she noticed that it had been moved and she now had the use of a triple mirror. That was good, she could make sure everything was in place, and— “Derpy!” Derpy, who had put on her own dress, heard Karyn scream and flew out from her screen to where Karyn was. She feared that Karyn had hurt herself somehow. “What’s wrong?” Derpy asked. “Look at my butt! I mean, don’t look at my butt, but. . . but look at my butt!” “Hey, you got your cutie mark too! And computers are your special talent!” In the side mirror Karyn could still see the reflection of one of two white ergonomic keyboards that she had seen on her rear end when she was changing. She covered it with her hands. “What do you mean, I got my cutie mark?! I’m a human! Humans don’t have cutie marks!” Derpy cocked her head. “No, it would seem that people on Earth don’t have cutie marks. People in Equestria do.” She gasped. “I hope that doesn’t mean I’m going to lose mine if I keep visiting you! Let’s ask Scootaloo. She’s sure to know.” “No! We’re not telling anyone! Or anypony! Oh, this is horrible. Do you know how much it costs to get a tattoo removed?” “But it’s not a tattoo.” “You’re right. It’s magical, isn’t it? It probably goes all the way down to my bones. I’m scarred for life.” “Karyn, you should be happy,” Derpy said, putting her wing around Karyn. “This is a big moment in a young girl’s life.” “You mean a young filly’s life. I’m a human. Everyone’s going to think I’m some kind of freaky geek who loves her computer so much that she had her body marked up to show it.” “Wait, don’t you cover up your flank all the time?” Karyn took a deep breath. She realized that Derpy was right. The only people who would see it would be doctors and boyfriends. Doctors had probably seen worse. Boyfriends would have to accept her as being a little different. “Is everything all right in here?” Rarity came in, still carrying her needles and thread. “I thought I heard some sort of commotion.” Derpy stuck her head out from behind the screen. “Karyn just—“ “I was just amazed at how many jewels you added to my dress. These pink gems are quite beautiful. Are they rubies?” “Pink diamonds, actually. I wanted to continue the connecting theme between you and Ms. Hooves, and I lined hers with gray diamonds to match her coat. They’re a bit deeper pink than your hue, but one wants some color on a gray dress.” “They’re quite nice. Thank you again. Please excuse me so I can finish getting into it.” They went to the party. Next to the tent a dance floor had been laid down, and an eight-piece rhythm group was just launching into their opening number. Karyn liked their sound. It wasn’t quite as intense as some of what she had heard at Pinkie Pie’s party, but it wasn’t just acoustic background music either. She danced with Derpy to start, not really touching each other. As the combo played through its first set, she got used to the fact that she was flashing the crowd. Then, from behind her, she heard a voice say, “Hey, Karyn! How about a dance, biped to biped?” Oh, no. Not Spike. Well, it was a party. She’d give the horny dragon one dance and get it over with. She turned and put on her best fake smile. When she did, she saw his leery grin drop. “Something wrong?” she asked. “No, I’ve just never seen you. . . like this before. You’re so bulgy. You know what? I’ve never really cared for this song. Maybe I’ll catch up with you later, all right?” “Certainly, Spike.” As he hightailed it toward the other end of the party, Rarity came up to her and said, “You’re welcome, dear.” “You knew?” “Years of experience making him keep his claws to himself.” They sat down to dinner, and Karyn enjoyed the best meal she had had in a long time. On earth, being vegetarian meant your options were limited and bland. Ponies, though, when they went in for high cuisine, knew how to add strong flavor to grains and vegetables. She had a barley-based stew that outdid anything she had gotten on earth, and enjoyed rainbow chard that had been flavored with actual rainbow. There was more dancing, and Sweetie as guest of honor even took the opportunity to sing a few songs herself. Derpy said to Karyn, “I’ll bet you anything that she’s got a singing cutie mark. She’s going to make a career out of it, mark my words.” At last, it was time for the big event of the evening. Karyn and Derpy were fairly close to the main table where Sweetie Belle sat alongside her family and closest friends. Karyn watched as pony after pony stood in the spotlight and removed their outfits, showing off their flank and then giving way to the next. Even the young foals got a turn, and didn’t mind showing off a bare patch. Karyn realized that eventually she would be on the spot. “Derpy, do I really have to do this? I don’t want anypony to know.” “Trust me, nopony will care. They’ll want to congratulate you,” At the main table, Scootaloo overheard them and came over. “What’s this about?” Karyn sighed and resigned herself. “I got a cutie mark, OK? Somehow the air or the magic of Equestria got to me and it just appeared.” “What?!” Scootaloo screamed, and all around the party, heads turned to see the angry pegasus. “Twenty years I’ve been waiting with a blank flank, and after three days, this human” – she said it as if it were a foul insult – “gets her mark?!” “But, Scootaloo,” said Derpy, “I thought you wanted to hold off and get the record.” “Are you kidding me?! How many times have we tried to sell that line that a blank flank is ever OK? It’s not! I want my mark!” She started advancing on Karyn, who was afraid that she was about to be attacked. Sweetie Belle came over, quickly followed by Apple Bloom. “Scootaloo!” she said, her voice cracking. “You’re ruining my party!” “Your party! What about my party?!” She was openly crying. “When is it my turn?” “Well, if you’ve been trying to cover up how much you want it,” Apple Bloom said, “no wonder it hasn’t appeared.” “Scootaloo, calm down, listen,” said Sweetie. “We understand. We’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders. And no matter what your flank looks like, we’re your friends. Don’t you remember the song?” Everything was silent as Sweetie sang. “We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders, on a quest to find out who we are.” Scootaloo finally stopped staring at Karyn in a rage and faced her friend. She picked up the tune. “And we will never stop the journey, not until we have our cutie marks—Oh, Sweetie, Apple Bloom, what have I been saying?” She fell into her friends’ hooves as they embraced her. But at that moment, underneath her dress, everypony saw a flash of orange light. Sweetie said, “Did you see that, Scootaloo? Did you feel it? I think you got it!” “I got it! I did feel it! My cutie mark!” “Now we can be de-cute-antes together!” A cheer erupted from the crowd. They stomped their hooves and started chanting, “Scootaloo! Scootaloo!” Even Karyn joined in. The unveilings continued, and everypony was hurrying through to see what Sweetie and Scootaloo would display, so Karyn was able to remove her dress without much attention. Apple Bloom was the last to take off her outfit, showing her tree. Then it was time. Scootaloo said, “You do yours first, Sweetie.” “No, Scoots. You’ve been waiting so long, don’t wait any longer.” Scootaloo reached for the clasp and threw off her dress in one motion. Turning her head as far as she could, she shouted, “What is it? What is it?” Apple Bloom leaned in. “It’s a pony! A pony showing off her flank. And that flank has a picture of a pony showing off her flank. Scootaloo, you got your cutie mark in getting your cutie mark! Karyn laughed and said under her breath. “Whoa. Cutie mark-ception.” “No, Karyn,” said Derpy. “She’s not a cutie mark exception anymore.” “I meant. . . never mind.” Scootaloo was beaming brighter than she ever had. “OK, Sweetie, your turn,” she said. Sweetie carefully undid her dress and then stepped into the light. Hers was a triple mark, and displayed three ponies. One was a yellow earth pony, one was a light gray unicorn, and one was an orange pegasus. “Everypony, I’m pleased to show you my cutie mark in. . . friendship!” The cheer that went up from the guests rivaled their previous one, but faded quickly as Sweetie Belle escorted Apple Bloom and Scootaloo with her. She approached the microphone and sang. “We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders. We’re each other’s lights when it seems dark. And we’re not going to stop the journey, Just because we have our cutie marks!” Karyn wiped a tear from her eye. Maybe having a cutie mark wasn’t so bad. As ponies started to head for home, Karyn folded her dress neatly and found Rarity. “Hear you go. Thanks for letting me wear this for the occasion.” “Karyn, it’s yours. I never intended for you to give it back. Besides, what else am I going to do with it? Nopony else can wear it.” “But what about all the diamonds? Those have to be expensive.” “Not at all! I still go and find them myself. It gets me out of the boutique. No, I insist you take it with you. Element of generosity, remember?” “All right. Thank you.” She changed back into her street clothes and got on Derpy’s back holding the dress. Even though Rarity hadn’t paid for the stones, they would be valuable on Earth. Karyn did some quick multiplication in her head. A diamond ring might go for a thousand dollars, but just the stone would probably be only a few hundred. Still, there had to be a hundred stones on the dress, which meant that she was holding the worth of a car in her hands, or at the very least a year of her tuition. Of course, those were ordinary diamonds, and these pink ones might be like knock-offs that were worth very little. After Derpy got them home, Karyn asked her to wait a while. “I’m curious as to exactly how much Rarity did give me. You have to express my thanks to her.” “I will.” Karyn fiddled a bit on her computer, then started hyperventilating. “Is everything all right?” Derpy asked. “Teh.” “Teh?” “Ten.” “Ten?” “Ten million dollars. If there’re a hundred pink diamonds on this dress, that’s how much it’s worth.” “That’s a lot, huh?” “A lot? Derpy, I’m rich! I could tear off one of those stones and pay my tuition. Heck, I could tear off ten and retire!” “You’re going to sell them?” Karyn looked at Derpy, and understood what she was implying. Even removing one of the stones would be mistreating Rarity’s beautiful gift. It would be insulting to her, even if she never knew. It would be taking something she hadn’t earned. It would be selling out. “No. No, I suppose I’m not. I’m going to keep this in my closet and look at it whenever my bills come due. I’ll look and know that I could make them all go away, and all it would cost would be my pride. Then I’m going to work harder to get the money legitimately.” “That’s the Karyn I know and love. You still have your life’s work ahead of you. That’s how you were able to get that cutie mark. So long, keyboard-flank.” “So long, bubble-butt.” Karyn smiled at Derpy until she vanished.