//------------------------------//
// P.B. and ... Rumors 
// Story: P.B. and J. 
// by TheAmazingMe 
//------------------------------//

"I don't know what you're talking about. Teasing me earlier is one thing, but to suggest that I..." The words died in my throat. I just couldn't find it in me to say that Joe and I weren't dating, even in front of Discord. That was strange, lying was second-nature.

"I'm actually not here to give you a hard time about it." I was almost touched by the sentiment, but then he kept talking. "There are plenty of other ponies who would make your life hard if they knew this for a fact." 

Inhaling through my nostrils, I looked Discord in the eye. "Who else knows?" 

Discord cleaned his claws idly. "Besides you and me, nopony knows, but there are those who suspect. I've heard about longing stares across the Night Court and how close you two walk together. Not to mention that you aren't making a mess out of the situation. Did you know there was actually a betting pool to see how long you'd last as a baker? And another one to see how long it would take before Luna banished you? You've outlasted even the most optimistic predictions, by the way." 

I turned away. "I suppose you want some form of bribe to keep you quiet?" 

Discord clapped his claws together. "Oh! Are we intent on not telling anypony? Now that is an interesting development." 

I glanced at him and turned away again. "I just don't know how ponies will react. If it could hurt him or his business to be associated with me..." 

Discord sighed. "This may shock you, but I want to help you." 

I just barely managed to not snort in his face. "Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying it." 

Discord rolled his eyes. "Well, if we're being obnoxiously honest, I'm doing it to see how Celestia will react when it inevitably comes out. And believe me, in a city like Canterlot, a secret always comes out." 

The lights went back up, and Discord was gone. In his place stood a very confused-looking Joe. "Where did Discord go? We finished his order." 

The being in question strolled out of the kitchen. Dabbing his mouth with a napkin, Discord looked at us and belched. A stream of blue smoke issued forth, twisting into animal shapes that danced around until they dissipated. "Poison joke is definitely one of my favorite flavors. Wouldn't use it on ponies, though. You might also want to get help that understands safe and proper handling of dangerous ingredients." 

Joe went rigid beside me. "What happened to Sue?" 

In response, Discord merely laughed and waved goodbye. Before either of us could press him to answer, Discord vanished in a puff of blue smoke. 

We looked at each other before rushing to the back. Sue faced away from us. "Sue, are you okay?" 

The mare sighed. "Discord distracted me while I explained the donut cakes we made. I tried not telling him what the last one was, which made him curious. He knocked over the bowl with the leftover concentrated poison joke in it and I grabbed at it foolishly." She sighed again. "Whatever you do, don't laugh." 

She turned around. And on her face was the biggest, shaggiest mustache and beard I'd seen since a painting of Starswirl in the castle library. 

*** 

"I can't believe she cashed in her vacation days just to sit at home and stroke her beard." I said, dabbing myself with a kerchief to combat the perspiration. 

Joe stared at me. "You wouldn't stop laughing at her." 

"I said sorry." I said with a shrug. 

Shaking his head, Joe responded. "Yeah, and you were still laughing while trying to apologize." 

"I'll make it up to her. Does she like cinnamon rolls?" I asked. 

Slamming the oven door, Joe set the tray of donuts down with a clatter. "Are we going to talk about what Discord said to you?" 

I cringed, flattening my ears against my head. "You're mad." 

"I guess you could say that." Joe said, balling up his apron and tossing it carelessly onto the counter. "Do you think I wasn't aware of what could happen? From the start I volunteered myself, you know." 

"I know." I said, looking down at the floor. 

Joe continued. "Besides, I think you're slightly overestimating the negative reaction. Not everypony wants to see you fail." 

I looked back up, glaring intently. "I fail anyway, Joe. It's what I've done with everything so far. Why should this be any different?" 

Taking a step closer, Joe's expression softened. "Unlike those other times, this time you have me." Joe said, pointing at himself with a hoof.  

I replied blandly. "My cup runneth over." 

Oblivious, likely by design, Joe threw a hoof around my shoulders and hugged me sidelong. "That's the spirit." 

"I'm not ready to have anypony at either court know...about us. I'm sorry, Joe I--" He squeezed me close. 

"Well, I'm not going to pretend I understand." Joe said with a sigh. "I don't see why we should hide this." 

"Just for now, okay?" I pleaded. 

He kissed my forehead. "If it makes you feel better. So, I should cool it around you in public for a while, eh?" To punctuate his statement, he trailed a series of kisses along my neck and jaw. 

"They do say that a bit of restraint in public makes the private moments more...special." I said, recalling one of my etiquette lessons. 

He moved away swiftly, leaving me a little off-balance and feeling a bit bereft. As I recovered, Joe finished up around the kitchen. "Then let's get a cab and have some special private time." 

I couldn't help but smile. "That sounds good. Really good."

Spending the night over at Joe's was increasingly comforting. With the help of his gardener, Joe grew much of his own produce. His linens had the benefit of getting washed in fresh lavender and throughout the house the smell of cinnamon dominated.  

For a change, I woke up before Joe, still wrapped in his hooves. Smiling contently, I watched the rise and fall of his barrel. No doubt, I could've stayed like that for hours. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans. 

Celestia's phoenix, Philomena, soared through the open window and landed on Joe's bedroom desk with all the subtlety of a fireball. Releasing a letter in her claw, the bird looked at me and mantled, unleashing a piercing cry. As I flinched, Philomena hopped back to the window-sill and disappeared as quickly as she'd arrived. 

"Wuhwuzzat?" Joe slurred sleepily, belatedly lifting his head to cast an owlish look around for the source of the trouble. 

Sighing, I disentangled myself and crossed to look at the letter. "It was just my aunt's ornery old bird. She brought me a letter...from Luna? Huh, Luna must've sweet-talked Celestia into loaning her Philomena's services. That firebird has a nasty habit of burning things before she delivers them." 

Yawning, Joe stretched lazily. Patting the bed next to him, he gave me a look. "You coming back to bed or am I going to have to get you myself?" 

I snorted, opening the letter. "Hold your horses. Just let me see what Luna wa--" I trailed off as I recognized the formatting. Glancing over it, I realized it wasn't for me.  

Snorting, I brought the letter over to Joe. "My silly Aunt Luna is formally inviting you to dinner tonight. It'll be just us, so wear something nice, but comfortable." 

Joe looked over the letter and smiled. "I'll try not to embarrass you." 

I stuck my nose in the air. "See that you don't" The haughty effect was somewhat ruined by my lips curling upwards at the edges.  

"Oh? And if I were to show up covered in powdered sugar wearing nothing but a gaudy polka-dot bowtie, what would you do?" Joe teased, nipping at my neck with his lips. 

"You are entirely too horny." I observed, trying to play it off like his lips had no effect. It wasn't working well, he seemed to remember exactly which spots on my neck were most sensitive. 

"Can't help it, I'm a uni-" I shoved a pillow over his face to muffle the rest of that old worn-out joke.  

"You're a filthy pony, Joe. I need to take a shower and wash out your corruption!" I said, sauntering towards his bathroom with a swish of my tail.  

*** 
Dining with Princess Luna was different than sharing a table with Celestia and other members of her House. For one, Luna had no ladies in waiting. Her seneschal, Moondancer, reminded me rather all too much of Celestia's pet bookworm, Twilight. At least Moondancer made up for her looks by mostly keeping her focus on maintaining Luna's schedule.  

The four of us sat at in Luna's private dining room, complete with House of Night antique table settings. Princess Luna's maitre'd, Silver Service, began with Moondancer, seated to Luna's right hoof, then Joe, me and finally the princess. The silver-haired professional servant navigated the service admirably, especially considering his earth pony status. This type of service usually required a unicorn's steady magic as the server plated each dish on the plate from the left side of each diner. I recognized the tradition from the etiquette lessons drilled into me by Civil List. With how much of his life he'd spent in restaurants, I wondered if Joe had ever seen a formal service like this.  

Turning to see how he took the unexpected courtesy, I was greeted with his lovably goofy smile. As the Princess began on her own food, we all followed suit. The glow of our magic bounced off of the multitude of gleaming silver surfaces, brightening the dark colored room with a curious effect.  

"I'll not beat around the bush, nephew. My sister might be fond of using subtleties to entice ponies to cooperate, but I don't have the patience. You are in a relationship." It wasn't really a question, but she paused for my response anyway. 

"Yes, Your Royal Highness." I confirmed. 

She huffed. "Well, in my day, a noblepony informed their Head of House when they became romantically involved. I waited, nephew." Luna narrowed her eyes accusingly. 

"Eagerly." Moondancer put in blithely. "It was like her favorite treat was in another pony's hooves and they wouldn't let her have any. She moped around after Night Court for a week because you hadn't told her." 

Gasping, Luna's magic held Moondancer's mouth closed. Even though she was silenced, Moondancer looked quite pleased with herself. "What my dear seneschal means is that I was worried for my nephew and his suitor. I can't very well help you if you don't bring up the subject, you know." 

"Maybe I don't need your help." I said without thinking. Wincing, I looked at Luna to see if she'd taken that harshly.  

Instead, she blinked and moved on. "So you're okay with this becoming public knowledge?" 

I closed my eyes and put a hoof to my forehead. "No." 

"How intent are you on keeping this a secret? I assure you, rumors already abound about your relationship." Luna observed, taking a bite of zucchini noodles. 

"Joe's going to give me a bit more space in public. And we're definitely keeping public displays of affection off the table." I said.  

Luna turned to Joe. "And you are okay with my nephew's...desire to keep your relationship private?" 

Joe shrugged. "I won't pretend I understand it, but it's important to Blue." 

Luna's expression became unreadable for a moment and she drew a breath to say something. Ultimately, she just let out a sigh and chuckled half-heartedly. "Let's talk about why I called you here." 

"Us being in a relationship isn't why you called him here?" I asked. 

Luna shook her head. "No, I just like teasing you two. Whatever you decide to do is fine as long as you're truly happy, Blueblood. I called you here because I will be hosting a moonlit garden party!" 

I glanced at Moondancer. Aunt Luna didn't usually host events. Usually, she avoided them; the Grand Galloping Gala was a prime example of her attitude towards high societal functions. Moondancer looked up from inspecting her hoof and shrugged at me. Maybe this wasn't her idea? 

"Are you sure? I thought you didn't really like those kinds of things." Part of me was also quite concerned about her guest list. 

Luna waved a hoof dismissively. "I'll have you to help me navigate the responsibilities of hosting an event. Celestia mentioned how often you'd held your own parties." 

Laughing nervously, I looked to Joe and back to Luna. Apparently, Celestia hadn't mentioned exactly how...hedonistic those parties were. "Well, every host has their own style. I'd be...happy to help you find your own." 

Luna clapped her hooves together. "Huzzah! This should prove to be quite the experience."  

My sense of impending doom agreed with the sentiment, but not in the way Luna would want. "Moondancer, have you started putting together a guest list?" I held out some hope that somepony had enough sense to make this one a small event.

Moondancer colored, clearing her throat before she spoke. "Her Royal Highness already sent out invitations."

My slim hopes crashed to the ground like a narcoleptic pegasus. "Oh? And how many ponies did she invite?"

Luna snorted. "'She' is right here, and the guest list was a respectable one hundred ponies. Of course, I'm sure not everypony will be able to make it, although I intend to plan is if they will. Also, I've invited the other princesses. Cadence and Twilight have already RSVP'd. I'm sure my sister will attend as well."

I managed to pull my lips up into a shaky smile. "That sounds lovely." 

"Moondancer has your invitations. We decided to give them to you personally, since we'll need help from both of you." 

Joe's ears perked. "Oh? You'd like a bit of Donut Joe's catering?"

Luna nodded, smiling. "A little chaotic birdie told us of something called 'donut cakes.' I believe you have been holding out on me, Mr. Joe."