One of the first rules of any Pinkie Party is that Pinkie will always be the first pony to come up and greet new arrivals, especially when the ponies in question were the guests of honor. Normally Pinkie said her hellos while eagerly bouncing around the room instead of standing still and wrapped around Rainbow Dash, but I could probably chalk that up to New Couple Syndrome. At least they weren’t using any vomit-inducing cutesy pet-names on each other.
“Hi Cloud Kicker! Blossomforth!” Pinkie called out with her usual bubbly enthusiasm. “Were you surprised? Huh? Were you? Were you?”
“Yeah, we were surprised.” Sure, I’d seen a surprise party coming, but I’m pretty sure if I told her I hadn’t been surprised she’d do something crazy like throw us random parties out of nowhere until one did surprise us. Besides, if I said it wasn’t a surprise it might hurt Pinkie’s feelings, and I didn’t want to do that. Especially not now that she’d hooked up with the boss – making your boss’s fillyfriend cry is not a smart career move.
Blossom tossed her two bits into the conversation. “This looks like a great party. Thanks, Pinkie Pie.”
“A party is the least I could do after you gals helped me and Dashie out.” Mentioning Rainbow’s name seemed to remind the party pony that she was still wrapped around Rainbow Dash, and she took the opportunity to plant a huge kiss on her fillyfriend’s lips. The kiss went on for long enough to make me tempted to tell the two to just go upstairs and bang already. Finally, Pinkie broke it off, leaving behind a Rainbow Dash whose face seemed stuck in a huge and very goofy grin.
Pinkie took advantage of Rainbow’s post-kiss catatonia to declare, “Seriously, I love Dashie to bits, but she can real poopy-head sometimes.”
“I am not a poopy-head,” the boss whined.
“You are so a poopy-head!” Pinkie shot right back. “I mean sheesh, Dashie. What more did I have to do? Lay down in front of you completely naked and scream, ‘Do me baby! Do me!’”
“You don’t normally wear clothes anyway,” Rainbow deadpanned.
“She’s got a point though, boss.” I couldn’t resist the opportunity to join in on the good-natured ribbing. “I can see missing one or two signals – nopony’s perfect – but didn’t you think she was acting just a little bit weird?”
“Pinkie always acts weird,” the boss answered just a bit defensively. “How was I supposed to know that this time the weird meant she wanted to be my special somepony, instead of just being the normal sort of Pinkie weird?”
“The flirting, innuendos, and double entendres might have been a hint,” I suggested.
“Not to mention how happy she was about spending Hearts and Hooves Day with you. She was acting very affectionate towards you.” I was a bit surprised that Blossom joined in poking fun at the boss. After Pinkie’s little ‘Do me baby!’ moment I’d expected her to spend the next few minutes blushing and mumbling incoherently. I guess the fact that Pinkie and I were already teasing Rainbow Dash made it easier for Blossom to work up her courage.
“Oh! And we can’t forget the puns!” Pinkie added in between giggles. “Secs!” Pinkie nearly lost her grip on Rainbow Dash as she burst into a fit of wild laughter.
“Okay, so maybe I missed a couple little hints,” Rainbow reluctantly conceded.
“More than a couple, and not that little,” I quipped.
“You know I can still fire you,” the boss remarked casually.
“Dashie!” Pinkie let out a horrified gasp and detached herself from Rainbow Dash. “That’s terrible! You can’t fire them at their own party!”
“What?” Rainbow seemed shocked that her fillyfriend had taken the casual threat seriously. “No! I didn’t mean it Pinkie, I was just messing around!”
“You better be, Dashie,” Pinkie growled as menacingly as she could manage. “You mess up my party and I won’t let you eat any of my pie for a week!”
My first instinct was to assume that ‘eating Pinkie’s pie’ was a double entendre, but considering the party pony’s fondness for baked goods, it’s more likely that she just meant exactly what she said: She wouldn’t bake any pies for Rainbow for an entire week. The boss always struck me as the kind of pony who’d take the physical side of a relationship way too seriously. I bet she hasn’t even banged Pinkie yet. Hay, I wouldn’t be surprised if the boss was a virgin like Blossom. She’d never shown any interest in romance or banging back when we went to Flight Camp together and nothing I’d seen since moving to Ponyville indicated that had changed. Well, until she hooked up with Pinkie Pie.
Regardless of the facts, I still preferred to believe the version of things that meant the boss was so fond of eating Pinkie’s Pie that she was completely whipped.
Blossom and I kept up some idle chatter with the boss and her mare, but I was mostly focused on checking out the rest of the party. And of course, the party guests. The best part about having a party thrown in your honor is that you’re practically guaranteed to get laid. With this being a Pinkie Pie party, pretty much every pony in Ponyville was here too. All in all, I was spoiled for choice.
A promotion within the weather team was a really big deal in a small town like Ponyville. Ponyville’s weather district is pretty big when compared against how many pegasi actually live here, so just about everypony with wings wound up doing weather work sometimes – even ponies who really shouldn’t, like Derpy and Fluttershy. I’m pretty sure every single pegasus in town was here.
Then you had all the farmers. The farmponies generally paid attention to what was going on with the weather team. After all, crops need plenty of rain, sunshine, and general good weather to grow. Make nice with the ponies in charge of your local weather and it’s a lot less trouble to make sure your crops get everything they need. Piss the weather boss off and suddenly Derpy’s in charge of running the weather over your farm.
On top of the pegasi and the farmers, there were all the ponies who’d just wandered in because hey, Pinkie Party. I’d say that the only thing you ever needed to get invited to a Pinkie Party was a pulse, except I’m pretty sure that if Pinkie ever ran into some zombie ponies, she would invite them too. Well, as long as they held off on eating the brains of the living party guests.
Bottom line, there were a whole lot of ponies here and as the mare of the hour I had pick of the litter. I should probably do a bit of mingling first, though. It was only polite to enjoy the party Pinkie had gone to all the trouble of setting up for Blossom and me. Plus it would give me a chance to scope out my options – just grabbing the first cute pony to show an interest might end up being a terrible waste.
Speaking of cute ponies, the town librarian was headed our way. Cute was a good word for her. She didn’t have the classic hotness of a true beauty, but she had that whole ‘cute geeky nerd’ thing going for her. Not my usual, but nice. Plus, she’s probably read all kinds of books. Books that could give her some very interesting ideas that I’ll bet she’s just itching for a chance to try out. Of course, she’ll need somepony experienced to help her out. Somepony who can show her the ropes (perhaps literally) and help her bridge the gap between theory and practice...
Sure, banging one of the boss’ friends would probably cause all kinds of trouble that just wouldn’t be worth it, but there was no harm in appreciating the view and pondering what might have been if life turned out differently.
“Hi everypony!” The librarian called out to us, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that I was busy admiring her cutie mark and surrounding environs. “Cloud Kicker, Blossomforth.” I hastily shifted my gaze to her face when I realized she was talking to me. “I just wanted to congratulate the two of you on your promotions.”
“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle,” Blossom answered.
“Yeah, thanks.” At the sound of my voice Twilight turned to look at me with a polite little smile on her face that was unintentionally sexy. Whoa! Down, Cloud Kicker! No matter how much fun she might be in the sack, a single night of fun is not worth messing up your entire career over. Not to mention she’s Princess Celestia’s golden girl. Twilight Sparkle might be deliciously adorkable, but there’s plenty of other flowers in the field that weren’t so hazardous to eat.
The librarian turned to her two friends, giving me another opportunity to sneak a look at her cutie mark. “Oh by the way Rainbow Dash, I got a letter from the Princess earlier. She wanted to congratulate you and Pinkie Pie on your new relationship, but she also said something I didn’t quite understand and I was hoping you could clear it up for me.” Twilight frowned in concentration, presumably trying to remember the Princess’ exact words. “She said that the answer to those two questions you asked a week ago were, ‘Yes, I can’ and ‘Yes, they do.’”
Pinkie and the boss shared a look. After a few seconds of trying to hold it in, the two of them started laughing like crazy.
Twilight grimaced at the two of them. “What questions did you ask her anyway?” I have to say, I was a little curious to find out the answer to that one myself, if only to find out why the Princess’ answer had the two of them laughing so hard.
Once the still relatively new fillyfriends stopped laughing long enough for Twilight to get a word in edgewise, she repeated her question. Pinkie immediately answered her, a comically serious expression on her face. “Sorry Twilight, can’t tell you. It’s a secret, and we all know that revealing secrets is the fastest way to lose somepony’s trust forever.”
“Oh come on Pinkie,” the boss objected. “It’s not like it’s that much of secret that–”
“FOREVER!”
Rainbow Dash raised her forehooves in surrender. “Okay okay, it’s a secret.”
Yup, the boss is totally pie-whipped.
“If it’s a secret, then you can’t tell me,” Twilight conceded.
“Yeah,” Pinkie was still sounding preposterously serious. “Very hush-hush. Nothing to see here. These aren’t the ponies you’re looking for. Move along.”
“Okay...” In the end, Twilight had no choice but to shrug and just try ignore Pinkie Pie’s randomness and move the conversation along to saner territory. “Anyway, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about...” Twilight began with the most delightful little thoughtful expression on her face. “I was actually reading about the history of pegasi weather teams the other day and–”
“You were reading about a bunch of boring egghead stuff? What a shock.” The boss loves her sarcasm.
“Uh, Dashie?” Pinkie looked at her fillyfriend in confusion. “Twilight’s always reading about her boring egghead stuff. It’s, like, all she ever does! Sheesh Dashie, you should know that by now!”
Twilight Sparkle and the boss both facehoofed and groaned. I was tempted to join them. No wonder Pinkie hooked up with Rainbow despite her missing hints about as subtle as a falling anvil to the head; these two were made for each other. Nopony else could possibly be so thick.
“Anyway,” Twilight resumed with the sweetest little hint of annoyance in her voice. “Did you know that pegasi weather teams actually date all the way back to the militias of ancient Pegasopolis? It really is fascinating; before Princess Celestia disbanded the Pegasopolan militias after the Lunar Rebellion and created the Equestrian Royal Guard, the weather throughout Equestria was under military jurisdiction. You can still see a lot of the old militia traditions lingering in how weather teams are set up, like how Rainbow Dash has the authority to draft any pegasus pony for weather duty if she needs to. It’s exactly like how one of the old Pegasopolan militia captains could call up pegasi to defend Equestria during an emergency.”
“Wait, hang on a second Twilight,” the boss cut in. “Did you just say that back in the old days, I would’ve been, like, a captain?” Rainbow actually looked kind of excited about what the librarian had said during her barrage of ancient history facts. I knew all that ancient history already, but I wasn't surprised that Rainbow Dash was drawing a blank on it–she always slept through history class. Not that I could blame her; our teacher had been so boring I wound up sneaking a couple naps myself.
“Well, yes.” Twilight Sparkle looked incredibly excited to see the boss showing some actual interest in the topic. “A district weather manager like you would be roughly equivalent to one of the old militia captains. You know, I could loan you one of my books on ancient Pegasopolis if you want to read it.” Twilight let out an excited gasp. “Or we could read it together and be study buddies!” Dear Celestia, I think she was on the verge of having a nerdgasm.
Sadly for the bookworm, the boss had no interest in a group study session. “Aw yeah! I always thought ‘Ponyville District Weather Manager’ was way too un-cool of a title for what I did! From now on, I’m gonna be Captain Rainbow Dash! Thanks Twilight!”
“What?” Twilight’s jaw dropped.
“Hey everypony!” Rainbow Dash called out to the rest of the pegasi at the party. “From now on, you can call me Captain Rainbow Dash!” Rainbow’s proclamation was met by a combination of laughter and cheering.
“Aye aye, Captain.” I shot off a joking salute to the boss. Deciding to play along for a bit, I gave Blossom a nudge in the ribs “Guess that makes you and me Lieutenants now, right Blossom?” Have to say, Rainbow had a point; ‘Lieutenant’ sounded much cooler than ‘Ponyville District Assistant Weather Manager.’
“I believe you’re right, Lieutenant Cloud Kicker.” Always nice to see Blossom getting into the spirit of things.
“I’m always right, Lieutenant Blossomforth.” I brought a hoof up to my chin and added contemplatively. “We’re gonna need uniforms. Mares dig uniforms.”
While Blossom rolled her eyes at me and facehoofed, Pinkie enthusiastically jumped into the conversation. “I wanna join too! Can I be a private Dashie? Or maybe a corporal? Can I? Can I?”
“Well, technically non-pegasi can’t be on the weather team.” Pinkie Pie immediately unleashed a truly impressive pleading look the boss’ way, including a set of big sad watery eyes that nopony could possibly resist. With a chuckle, the boss conceded. “Tell you what, I’ll make you an honorary weather pegasus. As long as you’ve got that crazy party cannon of yours, I think you’ve gotta be a gunnery sergeant.”
“But private and corporal are funny!” Pinkie whined.
“Hey, gunnery sergeant is one of the coolest military ranks ever!” the boss countered.
“I don’t care how cool it is if I can’t make funny jokes about it,” Pinkie shot right back.
Before the boss (or the Captain, I suppose) and her fillyfriend could get any further in their discussion of whether it was more important for a rank to sound cool or funny, Twilight finally recovered from being completely wrong-hoofed by Rainbow Dash’s logic. “Rainbow! You can’t start using military ranks! The Princess is going to think you’re reforming the pegasus militia to start a second Lunar Rebellion!”
“That doesn’t even make any sense, Twilight Sparkle,” Blossom cut in. “The Lunar Rebellion was over 900 years ago and there’d be no point to it now that Princess Luna’s back.”
Everypony except Twilight stared at her blankly.
“Am I the only one other than Twilight who actually remembers anything from her history classes?” Blossom whined.
“Probably,” I snarked, earning a facehoof from Blossom. Sure, I actually knew all that stuff since it was kinda tied into my family history, but why let a couple inconvenient facts get in the way of a chance to poke fun at my best friend?
Blossom’s effort to calm down the librarian didn’t seem to have worked. If anything, Twilight Sparkle was headed for a full neurotic breakdown. “Oh no, this is terrible! If Princess Celestia thinks Rainbow Dash is trying to start the Second Lunar Rebellion, she’s going to send Rainbow to the moon! And then she’ll send me to the moon too, because I’m friends with Rainbow Dash! Or worse, she’ll send me back to magical kindergarten! But what if Celestia doesn’t find out in time and Rainbow Dash starts a civil war? What if she wins and becomes the new ruler of Equestria? Then she’ll send me to the moon because I’m Celestia’s student! Either way, I’M DOOMED!”
Yup, she was taking a ride on the crazy train. I looked around for Pinkie and the boss, but the two of them had walked off together and were still busy arguing over whether Pinkie’s rank should be cool or funny. They were way too caught up in each other to notice Twilight was in the middle of a freak out. Guess that means it’s up to me to fix this.
I said the first thing that popped into my brain that might calm her down. “You know Twilight, you’re really cute when you’re frazzled.” When in doubt, play to your strengths.
“You – I – what?” Twilight started blushing furiously, which naturally sent her cuteness level up through the roof. At this rate, I might have to make an exception to my rule about not messing around with the boss’ friends; after all, it was really more like a guideline than an ironclad rule.
Twilight eventually managed to recover enough wits to speak semi-coherently, though her voice was an almost Fluttershy-esque nervous squeak. “I – I have to go write a Princess to the letter about a study I booked! Bye!” Twilight hastily fled the scene. She was cute leaving too.
Sadly, my appreciation of the view got cut off by a sharp hoof to the ribs. I turned and found myself facing Blossomforth’s uncompromising glare. “What?” I might have sounded just a bit defensive. “We wanted to stop her from freaking out and she’s not freaking out anymore. Mission accomplished. Besides, she is cute when she’s freaking out. Really, I was just pointing out the obvious.”
“And there was no way you could possibly resolve the situation without hitting on her?” Geez, Blossom was sounding really ticked about this.
I shrugged and let her anger just slide right off my back. “Apparently not.” That got an annoyed growl out of her and I just couldn’t resist the opportunity to needle her a bit more. “You know Blossom, Twilight might be cute when she’s frazzled, but you are utterly adorable when you’re angry.”
That got a frustrated scream out of her and then another even louder when she realized that getting mad would just turn me on even more. I’d had enough fun with her for the moment, so I decided to show a bit of mercy for once. The fact that we were getting some strange looks from all the other ponies didn’t help. “Alright, chill out Blossom.” I scanned the party for inspiration. “C’mon, there’s a whole table full of muffins over there. I bet you’ll feel better once you’ve had a muffin, right?”
For a second it looked like Blossom might blow her top at me, but then she let out a resigned sigh. “Fine. I’ll take a muffin.”
“Great, muffins it is.” I thought about tossing a foreleg or wing over Blossom’s shoulders, but decided against it. As much fun as messing with Blossom is, I do try to back off when it looks like I’m starting to go from a bit of harmless fun to really getting on her nerves. I’ve gone a bit too far with the teasing once or twice years ago when I was younger and stupider. Sometimes, it’s way too easy to accidentally cross the line between poking a bit of fun at somepony and seriously hurting their feelings.
We got most of the way to the muffin table when something happened that I really should’ve seen coming. “Muffins!” Next thing I knew, somepony slammed into me and then I found myself getting very closely acquainted with the floor of Sugarcube Corner.
In hindsight, I should’ve known that getting between Derpy and muffins wouldn’t end well.
“Cloud Kicker!” Blossom leaned down to help me up. “Are you alright?”
“Dunno. I think my spine might be broken. I’ve heard that the only way to cure that is to have sex with a virgin.” I grinned up at the white pegasus. “We should probably bang, just to be safe.”
“Yeah, you’re fine.” Blossom abruptly removed the support she’d been offering me, which made me stumble just a bit before I recovered my balance. Once I was settled on my hooves I grinned and fluttered my eyelashes at Blossom, who rolled her eyes in response.
I glanced over at the grey pegasus currently devouring her way through an entire table full of muffins and a thought struck me. “Hey Blossom, I think I’ve figured out a way to fix your little V problem.” I put a hoof to her mouth to forestall her inevitable objection. “Just sit back and watch the Cloud Kicker mojo in action.” Maybe she could learn from my example.
I trotted up to the table and snagged a couple muffins from the side of the pile, idly tossing one Blossomforth’s way. Derpy’s muffin-sense immediately detected the loss of two the couple dozen baked goods she was devouring her way through and her head whipped around to face me. It was probably a lucky thing this was technically my party, because otherwise I might’ve caught tartarus for taking muffins from Derpy. She might be a sweetheart most of the time, but that pony could go a little crazy when somepony took muffins away from her.
“Hi Cloud Kicker!” Derpy called enthusiastically. The devourer of muffins paused in her eating spree and looked me over, her smile slowly turning into a frown. “Um – was that you I bumped into on the way to the muffins?”
“Yeah,” I waved a hoof dismissively. “I’m fine though, it’s not a big deal.”
“I’m really sorry.” Derpy dropped her head in shame. “And right after I promised Rainbow Dash I would be more careful about not getting too excited over muffins...”
Uh oh, she was looking sad. While there are exceptions to every rule, you generally don’t want a pony feeling sad when you’re trying to get them into bed. Even in a lot of the cases where you could get a depressed pony into bed, it was a bad idea. It tended to lead to morning-after remorse and I don’t like that one bit. Banging is supposed to be fun. I don’t want somepony going around thinking that banging me was some sort of big mistake that they regret.
So if I was gonna do this, I needed to cheer Derpy up. Fortunately, there’s one topic that’s pretty sure to always put her in a good mood. I bit into the muffin I’d grabbed. Hmm, chocolate chip banana nut. Tasty. “Wow, these muffins are really good, aren’t they?”
Derpy’s expression immediately brightened. “Yeah! They’re great!” Reminded of how delicious muffins were, she immediately resumed eating them.
Alright, phase one complete. Time to break out the charm. I smiled at Derpy put just a slight hint of a pout into my lips and unleashed the bedroom eyes. “I bet when you bake muffins they’re a lot tastier, though. Too bad I’ve never had a chance to try them.”
Derpy looked over at me and blinked a couple times in surprise before looking at me in vague confusion. “Do you want me to bake muffins for you?”
“Oh, I don’t know...” I answered coyly. “Do you think I should eat your muffins?” I gave a casual flick of my tail so that it just barely brushed against one of Derpy’s back legs. The sort of thing that could have just been a total accident – though we both knew it wasn’t.
Derpy blinked again, her confused expression slowly shifting into a shy little smile. “Um – I don’t know – maybe?”
“You don’t know if you want me to eat your muffin or not?” I repeated back playfully. “Well, I think I’d certainly like to. I imagine it would be delicious.” I leaned forward and whispered into Derpy’s ear, earning a slight little shudder from the grey pegasus. “And maybe after that, you could try eating my muffin.”
Derpy pulled back a bit and gave a quick little nervous look around, as if she was worried somepony might be watching us. Wait – I hope she hadn’t brought Dinky to the party, ‘cause hitting on her in front of her filly would be seriously awkward. “Yeah,” she hesitantly agreed. “I think I’d like that.” A second later I felt her tail tentatively brushing one of my hind legs.
Score one for Cloud Kicker. “Great. I’ll come by this evening.” I decided to hold off on my usual parting comment where I threw subtlety out the window; it had a certain charm, but I didn’t want to risk leaving Derpy with the awkward task of explaining to her little filly what the nice mare meant when she said ‘We’ll bang, OK?’
Instead, I grabbed two more muffins and made a point of brushing against Derpy’s side as I walked away. Blossom was still nearby and had been faithfully watching the entire process. After tossing another muffin her way, I smirked and asked. “So, what have you learned from watching the mistress in action?”
“All you did was talk to her about muffins.” Blossom shot back testily.
I scoffed at that. “Oh please. Not even the boss could’ve missed how many innuendos were flying around in that conversation.”
“You were talking to Derpy Hooves,” Blossom countered. “She probably just thought you were actually talking about muffins, not mating.”
“Derpy’s smarter than most ponies give her credit for.” Sure, she’s no genius, but to hear some ponies talk you’d think she didn’t have a brain in her head at all. “Trust me, she knew exactly what we were talking about.”
“I think your obsession with mating has addled your brain.” Okay, so much for my idea of teaching Blossom by example. It seemed to be making her extra-snappy, if such a thing were possible.
Naturally, I just breezed right through her moodiness like it wasn’t even there. “So, you didn’t answer my question. What’ve you learned?”
“That you’re insane,” Blossom grumbled. “Oh wait, I already knew that.”
“If I was crazy I wouldn’t be so successful.” I grinned and wrapped a wing around Blossom. “First lesson: Confidence. Ponies like confidence. Sure, sometimes a bit of nervousness is cute, but you need to back it up with enough guts to go for the prize.” I pulled Blossom in close with my wing and tossed a foreleg across the back of her neck. “Second lesson: Directness. Don’t waste time dancing around and sending mixed signals. When somepony catches your eye, just go right up and let them know. Some ponies like to make a big production out of it, think there’s gotta be some perfect romantic occasion and everything, but in my experience it's a lot less trouble for everypony if you just go up to the pony and tell her you think she’s cute.”
“Cloud Kicker, get off of me,” Blossom growled. “Haven’t you ever heard of personal space?”
“I’m familiar with the concept, I just never cared for it.” I grinned and snuggled up a little closer to her. “Actually, that’s not true. You’re just an exception to the rules. I think it’s because you’re so soft and warm. Like a big huge pillow.”
“I am not a pillow, Cloud Kicker.”
“Hush.” I buried my face in her pink-and-green mane. “Pillows aren’t supposed to talk.”
“You are intolerable.”
“Y’know I think I like it when you talk, Blossompillow. It kinda makes you vibrate a little bit.” I pulled my head up so I could look her in the eye. “By the way, I’d believe you a lot more about the whole not wanting to be my pillow thing if you weren’t just doing a little token complaining while standing still and letting me get all cozy.”
A second later a pair of white hooves shoved me away, accompanied by a frustrated snarl. By Celestia, I really do love pushing Blossom’s buttons. “I’m going to go mingle for a bit,” Blossom abruptly announced, before turning her back on me and walking off into the crowd.
Oh well. While she was off mingling, I could see about scheduling a couple more liaisons. Sure I was meeting up with Derpy tonight, but that was just for tonight. If I played my cards right, I could schedule a whole week worth of fun by the time the party was over. I was supposed to be Ponyville’s resident casanova after all – I have a reputation to uphold.
Before I could find somepony fun for tomorrow night, I felt a hoof tapping on my shoulder. With any luck, I’d just been saved the trouble of looking. Any optimism I might have had about the situation lasted exactly as long as it took me to see just who I was talking too.
Only the most beautiful unicorn in Ponyville – and close friend of the boss.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the boss’ friends all being off-limits for me is horribly unfair. Think about it. For starters there’s Twilight Sparkle, the adorkable little nerd whose merits I’ve already elaborated on. Then you’ve got Applejack, the rough and tumble country gal who’s almost certainly up for a roll in the hay. Granted, she seems a bit too conventional for my tastes, but variety is the spice of life.
To be fair, not all of the boss’ friends were chase-able. Pinkie was obviously off-limits now that she was with the boss, though the same would be true if she were with anypony else. I’m a pretty open-minded kind of pony when it comes to relationships, but I’m definitely not cool with being the other mare. Naturally, the boss herself was also off-limits on account of being in a relationship as well as being – well – the boss. As for Fluttershy, she was even more of a no-go than Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash after everything that had happened.
And then there was Rarity. Sweet Celestia there was Rarity.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pony who put so much care into her appearance – and let me tell you, it pays off. Most ponies are content with taking regular baths and spending a minute to brush their mane and tail every morning, but Rarity had higher standards. Rarity was an artist, and for her the equine body was a canvas to work her craft upon. It would be a crime not to appreciate her beauty after all the hard work she put into maintaining it.
“Cloud Kicker? Is everything alright?” I hastily snapped my attention away from Rarity’s body and looked her in the eyes. Unlike when I’d been looking Twilight over earlier, Rarity had noticed where my eyes had wandered. Judging by the smile on her face, she didn’t mind one bit.
Every artist appreciates knowing that they’ve produced something beautiful. After all, she didn’t spend all that time prettifying herself every morning so ponies wouldn’t look at her. “Everything’s fine,” I assured the vision of loveliness.
“Oh?” Rarity hardly looked convinced. “I think Blossomforth might beg to differ. She seemed quite put out with you. I do hope it’s nothing too serious – the two of you make such a lovely couple.”
“Blossom and I are just friends.” I wasn’t surprised by Rarity’s mistake; between my reputation and the fact that Blossom and I spend so much time hanging out together, a lot of ponies assume the two of us must be banging. Rarity was hardly the first pony to think Blossom and I were a thing and she probably wouldn’t be the last either.
If anything, Rarity looked even more skeptical after my denial. “The two of you are entirely platonic? I must say, the two of you seemed rather … physically affectionate for mere friends.”
“What can I say? I’m a very physical pony.” I shrugged. “The way I see it, a hug’s a much better way of showing somepony you’re their friend than a bunch of words. Plus, that kind of thing just feels nice.” I have to admit that as much as I enjoy everything up to and including banging, there’s always been something special about an entirely platonic hug. It was affection in its purest form, without any lust getting in the way of the simple enjoyment of another pony’s company.
“That, and it’s a fun way to tease Blossom,” I admitted with a chuckle. “It’s kind of like a game for us: I’ll get all huggy and snuggly with her and she’ll pretend it annoys her a lot more than it really does. Friendships are weird that way.”
Hmm. I just had an interesting idea. I should get Blossom to admit that she likes the way I tease her. I could tell her I wouldn’t lay a hoof on her anymore and see how long it would take her to crack. It was like a new form of messing with her; I would tease her by forcing her to admit that she liked it when I teased her. I can be fiendishly brilliant sometimes.
“I think I understand.” The fashionista tossed a look over at Applejack. “Friendships can develop in ways nopony would ever expect and even fewer would understand.” The farmer spotted Rarity looking her way and gave a casual wave of her hoof.
Well, a frilly fashionista and a country pony who couldn’t be less feminine if she tried were a bit of an odd couple. Kind of like an uptight worrywart of a pegasus and a easy-going pony who just enjoyed having a good time.
Rarity frowned at me. “Still, I had been so certain that you and Blossomforth were closer than mere friends. It offends my sensibilities that I was mistaken on that count.” The unicorn primly stuck her nose up into the air. “I am afraid I simply cannot be satisfied until you have found some way to make it up to me.”
“So since you jumped to conclusions about me and Blossom, now I owe you?” That was one twisted chain of logic. There was one way I could see this conversation heading and it wasn’t one that I particularly wanted to go in.
“That is hardly the way I would describe the situation,” Rarity answered. “Obviously, the only way I could have been mistaken about the two of you is if you acted deceptively. Clearly, you intended to provide other ponies with the false impression that you were in some sort of open-ended relationship. I think nothing less than a trip to the spa and a proper dinner will suffice to clear the debt you owe me for the wounds you have inflicted upon my pride.”
Yup. She was asking me out. In an incredibly strange and indirect way mind you, but it was still an invitation. That added a new layer of complication to things. Like I said before, chasing the boss’ friends was a bad idea on the general principle of not making my life messier than it needed to be. Problem was, it had never occurred to me that one of Rainbow’s friends might take it into her mind to chase me. Shooting her down could make things messy too – I don’t think the boss would be very happy with me if Rarity started crying about getting rejected.
“It should be a rather enjoyable excursion,” Rarity continued on, oblivious to my internal worries. “I must say, we really should have gotten better acquainted with each other before now. Why, I can hardly believe that we’ve never even exchanged more than a few passing words.”
A couple pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I guess it made sense really. Rarity took a lot of pride in her appearance and I had an entirely deserved reputation for chasing any unattached pony that caught my eye. How could Rarity be the most glamorous pony in all of Ponyville if the village’s most notorious tail-chaser had never even made a single pass at her? She might have no interest in a casual tryst with me, but it was a blemish on her pride that I’d never once even tried to get her into bed.
At least, I hope all she was after was a bit of an ego-boost. A bit of harmless flirting to reassure her that she was fabulous wouldn’t be a problem. I could also toss out a hint or two that if not for my concerns about messing things up with the boss, I’d be after her like a parasprite at an all-you-can-eat buffet. However, my judgement told me Rarity was the kind of pony who was likely to make things a lot more complicated than that.
Somepony very loudly cleared her throat, and I found that the two of us had been joined by a very disgruntled apple farmer who looked like she would enjoy treating my face like one of her trees during apple-buck season.
Hello complication.
“Applejack,” Rarity slipped into a tone chill tone that was obviously meant to get a rise out of the farmer. “Was there something you wanted?”
The farmpony turned to Rarity and her initial jealous rage transformed into awkward uncertainty. “Well – erm – Apples!” Applejack hastily blurted. “We got a um – there’s somethin’ mighty important comin’ up in a couple months, an’ I was wonderin’ – if’n it ain’t too much trouble – if ya could fix me up somethin’ nice to wear to it. ‘Cause – ya know – I wanna look nice … fer the thing that’s comin’ up an’ all … yeah.”
I should really find an excuse to challenge Applejack to a poker game sometime. I’d make a killing.
“Oh. I see,” I spotted a small satisfied smile on Rarity’s face. “Of course I could spare some time for a friend in need, Applejack. I imagine we would need to spend quite a bit of time together though; we can hardly put you in an outfit that is anything less than absolutely perfect, now can we? I trust you can spare some time from the fields for that?”
“I reckon I can spare some time for ya,” Applejack agreed, conspicuously looking at everything in Sugarcube Corner other than Rarity while sneaking quick glances at the unicorn out of the corner of her eye.
“Ah, excellent.” Rarity gave a nervous cough and joined Applejack at making a point of looking at nothing in particular. After a few seconds, they both happened to sneak a look at each other at the same time, and both of them blushed slightly while Rarity gave a nervous giggle.
Oh horseapples. I’ve seen this song and dance before and I didn’t want anything to do with their weird and just plain unhealthy ‘we like each other, but neither one of us wants to admit it’ relationship. Especially not when Rarity was apparently planning to use me just to get Applejack jealous enough to finally make a move. It was an incredibly stupid way of handling relationships, the sort of thing that only works in trashy romance novels (which probably explained where Rarity got the idea).
In the real world, making a pony feel hurt and scared is a terrible way to start a relationship. Applejack’s a smart pony; once she took the time to think for a while she would figure out what Rarity was up to and she wouldn’t appreciate it. Not one bit. Ponies don’t like it when you manipulate their feelings. It might be enough to torpedo the whole relationship before it got off the ground – and even if they did manage to work things out it would likely be in spite of Rarity’s little game, not because of it.
I was tempted to give Rarity a piece of my mind. The only reason I didn’t is that it would get me sucked into dealing with the rest of the mess surrounding these two ponies. Being their relationship coach is the opposite of not involved.
While the farmer and the fashionista were busy being awkward around each other, I quickly slipped away. I needed to find somepony to talk to before they noticed I was gone, or Rarity might track me down and try to rope me into the whole budding disaster again. Lucky for me, a huge chunk of the party guests were weather-pegasi and just about everypony who was likely to end up taking orders from me wanted to spend a couple minutes making nice with the new boss.
Speaking of, I’d probably need to be a bit more careful about getting involved with anypony who did weather work on a regular basis. I don’t want anypony getting the idea that I’m using my position to obtain favors. Not that anypony who knows me could ever think I would do something like that, but even the appearance of something improper going on could get me into trouble.
This could be my chance to move up in the world of weather-work. Rainbow Dash isn’t going to be stuck as a small-town weather manager forever. I wouldn’t be shocked if she made the Wonderbolts eventually and even if she didn’t, I couldn’t see Rainbow spending her entire life pushing clouds. Once Rainbow Dash moved on to bigger and better things, odds were Blossom and I would be the top candidates to replace her. Unlike Rainbow Dash, I think I would be quite happy as a district weather manager. Who knows, maybe I could even move up into the weather bureaucracy? A cushy desk job with a big paycheck wouldn’t hurt my feelings one bit.
After an hour or so of mingling, I ran into Blossom again. I was in the middle of a chat with Lyra and Bon Bon to set up our next regular little get-together when Blossom caught my eye, smiled, and waved me over. I was pleasantly surprised when she gave me a friendly little nudge as I walked up next to her. She doesn’t usually initiate things like that, but it’s always nice when she does. I admit there have been one or two times when I worried that my habit of pushing her buttons bugs her more than she lets on, so it’s nice to get that occasional bit of confirmation that all was well.
Then I got a look at who she’d been talking to, and my good mood went the way of the dodo. “Hello Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy responded with a barely audible squeak that might have been my name. The yellow pegasus nervously pawed at the ground. I coughed. Painfully awkward silence reigned.
Blossom was looking between the two of us in confusion – a pony would have to be blind not to notice the tension in the air. After a few more seconds of awkward silence, she made an effort to start the conversation back up. “So Cloud Kicker, Fluttershy was just telling me about something her pet rabbit did the other day...” Blossom looked over at the timid pegasus, hoping her prompt would be enough to draw Fluttershy out of her shell.
Fluttershy squeaked again, and then finally managed to speak something coherent. “I need to go feed Angel Bunny.” A second later she was gone, fleeing as fast as she could without causing a scene.
Blossom stared after the fainthearted pony for a bit, and then rounded on me. “What was that about? We were talking just fine, then you show and suddenly she’s nervous and running away.”
“It’s Fluttershy,” I answered. “There’s a reason ‘shy’ is part of her name.”
Blossom shook her head. “No, it wasn’t just a case of her being nervous, you were acting weird too.” She frowned suspiciously at me. “Did something happen between you and Fluttershy?”
“No.” From the way Blossom’s frown deepened at my answer, I don’t think she bought it. Horseapples.
A moment later, Blossom had a chunk of my mane in her teeth and was dragging me outside. I went along with her, if for no other reason than to keep my mane relatively intact.
Blossom finally released me once she had me back behind Sugarcube Corner, out of sight of any other ponies. Once I was free I made my move, wrapping my forelegs around her neck while rolling to the ground. I caught her off-balance, and the end result was the two of us on the ground in a position that looked pretty darn compromising, with her on top.
I grinned, and pulled her face in close enough that I could feel her breath. “If you wanted some alone time,” I whispered breathily. “All you had to do was ask.”
“Eep!” I swear, if Blossom had been up in a tree, any Apple family pony would think they had a really good crop to harvest. She made a half-hearted effort to get away, but I maintained my grip around her neck, and leaned up a bit to nuzzle her cheek.
Blossom closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. Dang it, that was cheating. When she spoke, she’d managed to get her raging embarrassment under control. “I know what you’re trying to do, Cloud Kicker.”
“Seduce you?” Even though she couldn’t see it with her eyes closed, I shot a coy grin her way. “I was kinda hoping that would be obvious.” If she didn’t open her eyes soon, I could find other ways of getting her attention.
It was probably taking every bit of discipline she had to keep talking coherently when I was using my best moves on her. I would be impressed, if it wasn’t really inconvenient at the moment. “You’re trying to distract me.”
I leaned forward and whispered into her ear. “Is it working?”
Blossom squirmed uncomfortably on top of me. “Cloud Kicker, stop it. Somepony’s going to see us...”
“I know. Isn’t it exciting?”
At this rate Blossom might make medical history by being the first pony to ever blush herself to death. I’m pretty sure the only reason she was still managing to keep some semblance of composure was that she had her eyes screwed shut so that she wouldn’t have to look at me. “Cloud Kicker! Cut it out and talk to me already! We’re supposed to be friends, so stop deflecting and tell me what’s going on! Don’t you trust me?”
“Hey.” I pulled her into a gentle and entirely platonic hug. “Don’t be silly Blossom. Of course I trust you.” I couldn’t keep a grin off my lips as I added. “I’m just not comfortable discussing this while Pinkie Pie’s watching us.”
Blossom yelped and finally opened her eyes, spotting the pink party pony sitting a couple feet away from us with her muzzle buried in a bag of popcorn. After a few seconds Pinkie stopped munching and grinned at both of us. “Oh, don’t mind me girls. You go right ahead with the smooching or talking about your dark secrets or whatever it is you’re doing.”
Needless to say Blossom was blushing all the way to her wingtips. “This isn’t what it looks like!” she hastily blurted out.
“Yes it is,” I immediately countered.
“Cloud Kicker!” Blossom shrieked indignantly. The white pegasus looked back and forth between me and Pinkie growing more and more frantic with each passing moment. “I – I should go.” Suiting action to words, she departed with haste.
Pinkie and I watched her leave. Once she was gone, the two of us exchanged a look and started laughing our flanks off.
“Chocolate chips.”
I dutifully passed the chocolate chips to Derpy.
“Sliced almonds.”
I passed the nuts to her.
“Cherries.”
“Sorry, I lost mine a long time ago,” I quipped. “Dinky’s pretty strong evidence that you can’t give me yours. I could go ask Blossom for hers though.”
Derpy frowned at me in confusion.
“It’s a joke.”
“Oh.” Derpy’s wall-eyed gaze lingered on me. “I don’t get it.”
I was almost tempted to explain what I’d meant, but restrained the urge. Everypony knows that if you have to explain the joke then there is no joke. Instead, I just passed over the cherries.
As I continued shuffling muffin ingredients over to Derpy, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe there was just the tiniest chance that Blossom might have been onto something. Back at the party I’d been completely certain that Derpy knew I was flirting with her and was flirting right back at me, but so far all we’d done since I showed up at her house this evening was put together the ingredients for a batch of muffins.
If Blossom found out about this, she was never going to let me live it down.
Fifteen minutes later, we just about had the muffins ready to go into the oven. I have to say, freshly baked muffins weren’t bad at all as a consolation prize. I’d had a pretty fun time hanging out with Derpy too. Honestly, the evening already ranked a lot higher than plenty of times when I did end up banging somepony.
I opened up the oven, and Derpy put the muffin tray in while I set the timer. Now there was nothing left to do but wait for them to finish baking.
Well, except for the cleanup. That’s the big downside of baking; once it’s done there’s a lot of cleaning up to do. That’s the reason I’d always been fond of sticking to daisy sandwiches and other simple fare when I’m just cooking for myself; I like a good fancy meal as much as anypony, but most nights it’s not worth the huge pain in the flank that comes from washing all those pots, pans, and dishes.
Derpy grabbed the bowl we’d mixed the muffin batter in, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Do you want to finish up the leftover muffin batter, Cloud Kicker?”
With how much Derpy loved anything related to muffins I’d expected her to take the leftover batter for herself, but I wasn’t about to turn her down if she was offering. “Sure.”
Derpy took a single step towards me, and suddenly her hooves slipped out from underneath her, sending her falling onto her back. She managed to save the bowl, but not before a bunch of muffin batter landed on all over her body.
For a second I was dismayed at the waste of perfectly good muffin-related products, until I noticed that Derpy didn’t look the slightest bit dismayed by the spill she’d taken, and not a single bit of batter had landed anywhere other than on her. “Where are your girls?” I asked, just to get a little confirmation.
“Sparkler took Dinky to a sleepover at a friend's house.” Derpy answered, a sly little smile on her face. “They won’t be back until they come home from school tomorrow.”
“So it’s just you and me all alone here. Huh. Imagine that.” I grinned right back at her. And Blossom said Derpy wouldn’t know what I’d meant when I flirted with her. As a general rule, when a really devoted single mom flirts with somepony and invites them over, then sends her kid off to stay with somepony else, it’s usually a pretty clear signal that she’s planning to do kid-unfriendly things.
I stepped forward, and shot a coy smile at Derpy. “Seems like a shame to let that muffin batter go to waste just because it spilled out of the bowl.” I deliberately let my eyes linger on a patch of batter on the side of her muzzle that included a nice big chocolate chip.
“Yeah, it does,” Derpy agreed breathily. She shifted a bit on the floor so her wings would have plenty of room to spread out. I have to say, between the muffin batter haphazardly splattered on her body, the wingboner, and the cute little smile on her face, Derpy was looking absolutely hotdorable. Adorasexy?
“Well, I suppose I could always just … eat it where it lies.” I leaned down and licked that patch of batter off the side of her muzzle.
Derpy gave a little shudder of pleasure at the contact. “I suppose you could,” she whispered.
And then we banged.