This episode brought to you by the letters M and J and the awesomeness of bacon!
BACON! It's meat candy!
And now back to the show.
Let's catch up with a poem.
~Que the smooth jazz
-
In comes Ced,
Looks like the dead,
Bucked in the gut,
Messed in the head,
Pinkie Pie,
She could not fly,
But antigravity,
Might make her die.
Together decide:
Til spell subside,
Pinkie would get
A human ride.
Upon Ced's back,
The sky to attack,
Till rainbow dash
Gave them flak
Ced was no Hulk,
There's no time to sulk,
Falling together,
Their hero was Bulk!
-
There! It wasn't that bad was it?
~crickets~
You know what? If I gave a buck if any of you approve or not, I wouldn't be writing this insanity.
ON WITH THE SHOW!
When we last left our intrepid adventurer, he had just been rescued from a fate worse than babysitting the Cutie Mark Crusaders by Equestria's only Juicer pony, Bulk Biceps.
Subsequently, he and his living Pinkie Pie backpack had been safely deposited outside of Sugarcube Corner, where she was late for the lunch rush.
“I gotta go!” Pinkie Pie gives me a wet smooch on the cheek and literally vanishes in a puff of dust, As the straps from the vacated harness fall limp I am left thinking that since I called her out as a reality bender she is not going to make any bones about using her powers around me. Like she does in general.
I shrug, adjust the straps to my new pony backpack maker, and I realize another human might find that an interesting irony, a pony riding a human. Whatever. Anyway, time to obliterate my insulin levels.
I have to hunch as I step inside the Corner, and the crowd calls out, “Cedric!” Damn, it's the pony equivalent of Cheers, where everypony knows your name.
“Yo.” I wave, not at all surprised to see Pinkie zipping around the shop delivering baked goods to customers.
I walk along, looking for a table, glad that 8 foot ceilings seem to be the construction standard in magical pony land. Then I have a realization, it's so Sun Butt can walk around and not skewer the ceiling everywhere she goes.
-
It was an average busy day in Ponyville.
Ponies were going about their routines.
The only thing that made this day different was a 6 foot and change ape-descended Carbon-based translucent life form named Cedric.
Who was currently devouring a cream cheese frosted blueberry cheesecake-filled cupcake with gusto.
Oh, the diabetes is worth it.
Pinkie's cupcakes are manifested directly from a goddess's orgasm. Based on this particular cupcake, I'd say Luna's.
I always thought she'd taste like blueberries. That in mind, I viciously attack the cream cheese frosting, licking it off.
~
Meanwhile, in Canterlot castle...
Luna tosses and turns about, moaning a little in her sleep, a blush spreading across her cheeks. She seems to be having a really good dream.
(I Demand a Luna smiley!)
~
Anyway, the cupcakes Pinkie makes are a gift from heaven, and I had my other favorite kind waiting to be consumed (of course she remembered)
I was chillin in the corner of the Corner.
I had enough time to ravish this other succulent confectionery masterpiece, then go talk with Spike, waiting for Sweetie Bell to deliver bribes in the form of Dragon Snax, AKA: Precious Stones.
Gems that grew fully formed and faceted right in the ground, at a rapid pace too based on what I had seen so far. Sorry, this place breaks some of my logic circuits. It also beats up the scientific knowledge I've built up and takes it's lunch money, so yeah I've been successfully running off of cartoon logic since I got outta the cave.
Regular old logic would have me leaving early to make sure I had everything under control. Cartoon logic says it will happen during a commercial break.
So I grin broadly and start licking the frosting from the next cupcake.
Ohh, Celestia.
Yeah this one tastes like you.
~
And now, a quick word from our sponsor:
Twilight Sparkle walks into view floating a soapbox in her magic, sets it down in front of a too high mic stand, then clambers onto it,
She telekinetically floats a script before her face, then grimaces.
"You aren't serious right?".
Click "Yes"
"You realize this makes me want to find the writer and render them into a pile of smoldering ash?"
Click "You're not the only one, but he specified you."
Twilight facehooves. "This is so degrading!"
Click "You want the bits or not?"
"Ugggh! Fine." Twilight lifts the script again. "Ahem!"
~
"Filthy Bathroom?
Use the magic of an Alicorn to make it shine! (What?)
Clean your bathroom with the Power of Friendship! (That's Absurd)
With specially formulated On-Demand Sudsing Bubbles... (What does that even mean?)
It's...
New and Improved, Toilet Sparkle! (... I hate my life.)
~
Click That was great, Can we do another take? I heard some stuff that wasnt in the script."
"UGGGH!!!!!"
----
Well whatta ya know?
Nothing like tripping the Censors to force a commercial break.
so.. catching up...
I was walking along the road to Sweet Apple Acres, near the Whitetail Woods.
I had a fashionable picnic basket, provided by Rares, with a bottle of chilled Crystal Berry soda, Spike's favorite, Some choice rubies and emeralds, and a copy of the latest Watchmares graphic novel, a bit grittier than Power Ponies, my goal was to emphasize his maturity, even for a baby dragon.
I was on time, and close! Nothing could stop me now!
* Wooden growl *
Son of a Nag....
Note to self if I survive this: ... Never Ever Ever ever etc.... even think that phrase again. It is permanently on the no-no list here.
Fricking cartoon causality.
Oh yeah, I was running for my life, as I hear that giant ~Censored~ Timberwolf bounding this way.
Running away... running away... oh look, there's Spike.... Spike!?
“HiSpikeNoTimeToTalk! Comewithmeifyouwantolive!” I blurt out as I scoop him up from the ground and toss him headfirst into the basket.
Spike's head pops out of the basket and he looks behind me, in shock, “Oh Celestia, not him again!?”
“It would seem that the stickdogs are aiming for bigger prey than they used to.” I pant as I zigzag between some trees.
I spot what I am looking for, a tight cluster of trees with an entrance barely bigger than me and much smaller than Dire Timberwolf back there. I dive in stopping for a moment to catch my breath.
“Jeez! Well Spike, I was gonna try this gradually but it looks like fate's decided differrent.”
Spike cringes, shivering “What are you going to do?”
“Consider it an exercise in applied confidence. I need you to focus on me, ignore everything else.”
I move to face him directly, taking him out of the basket.
Spike looks uncertain, “Umm, Ok” he watches me.
Here's the fun part.
“Honestly dude, I'm surprised you haven't grown more, then I realized you lack perspective.”
“What?” Spike looks confused.
“Let's go back to the Power Ponies incident, you know what I mean. You rescued all of the girls, each and every one. Why?”
“That's a stupid question, because I caused it!”
“So you don't care about them or desire to protect them? You were just making up for a mistake?”
“ No! umm Yes! Wait, I care about all of them!”
“Would you protect them, keep them safe?”
“Yes!” As he says this I start to see my goal realizing. He's growing,
“Looking at it from a dragon's perspective, would you call them your hoard? Are your most precious possessions your friends!”
“You're right! “ says a teenage sized Spike, he's grinning like crazy as he looks at his claws and legs.
“Congratulations. You've completed stage 1.”
“What?” Teen Spike looks at me confused.
“ We are far from done here. Time for round 2. So, the girls are your hoard, Who else does that include? The Sparkles, The Cakes, The Apples? The Belle's? The CMC's? Sunset Shimmer?
“Yes, yes, yeah, yeah! Of course!” Spike is growing even faster now. I think he's getting it, I'm starting to run out of room.
“Now round 3.... What do you think about all the ponies in Ponyville? Are they in your hoard? How about Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining armor? Would you protect them as your treasures?”
“YES!” Spike Roars as the cluster of trees explodes as Spike outgrows it. At this point I have climbed onto his back for safety.
The Timberwolf pauses in his prowling and tilts his head, staring at the scene.
“One last question! You saved the whole of the Crystal Empire! Do you claim it for your hoard!?
“I CLAIM IT!” Spike is huge now. Grinning ferociously at me on his back.
The Timberwolf decides here is not a safe place for him and turns to run.
“Your hoard is under threat right now! That Timberwolf is attacking ponies, YOUR Ponies!” My legs shake from the deep growl coming from UberSpike. “It's a bug to you now! Squash it!”
Spike swing one massive claw and rendered the fleeing Timberwolf into chips and wood scrap.
“Ok, the threat is gone! Now can you bring it back down? You've done it before. Be humble remember.”
Spike nods, closes his eyes, and shrinks, down down, rapidly but less so than his sudden change during his last growth episode.
I'm forced to hop off his back and watch him as he returns to his baby dragon size, well maybe a little bigger.
He grins, “That was fun!”
“The best part about this kind of hoard? You don't need to keep it anywhere, it's self maintaining. And... you never lost control. Excellent work, I would be proud to be included in your hoard of friends.” I offer a hand.
Spike smiles and takes it giving a firm shake.
“Oh almost forgot, Here's a little treat from Rarity and yours truly. “
Spike's eyes go wide at the gems, comic book and the bottle of soda, “Awesome! Thanks!”
“Hey man I knew fences needed to be mended. Between you and me, ya just didn't recognize
you're a superhero, Dragon-kin. You just needed to remember who you truly are.”
(cue the deep emotional bs music.)
(Which stops immediately when) Spike belches earthshakingly after chugging the soda.
“Good one little bro” I raise a bro-fist.
Spike chuckles and pounds it.
“So you ready for more cool stuff?”
“Always!”
“The ladies are due shortly, Let's get to AJ's.”