You sit alone on the Celestrack train from Manehattan to Ponyville. The rising sun streams in through the train window near you, causing you to crumple up the left side of your face, and your muzzle, in discomfort. The skyline of Manehattan peels away as the bright morning light reflects right off of the majestic glass buildings and directly into your vulnerable corneas.
Slowly panning your view over the area, you notice that you are the only one aboard the train car. This is mildly disconcerting, as you could have sworn that there were three or four other ponies in the car with you at the beginning of your ride. In fact, now that you think of it, there were very few ponies on the train at all, given that it was a weekday trip between two major cities.
Your eyes narrow in suspicion at your surroundings. Recent events have certainly taught you discretion, but even before then you had always been able to tell when things were too perfect to be right.
Slowly, with your eyes always scanning the car, you back into the car’s restroom and close the door.
You sigh in relief some moments later, washing and drying your face and hooves, having completely forgot about everything that actually was important. You open the door and come face to face with Queen Chrysalis and about 35 changelings that have occupied the car, awaiting your return.
“Hello, there,” Queen Chrysalis sneers with an evil grin.
You immediately throw your head back. “UGHHHHH” you groan. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
The intimidating changeling queen, jet black and perhaps a foot taller than you, appears confused for a moment before continuing her diabolical introduction.
“If it isn’t the new Inquisitor of Princess Luna…” she begins.
At this point you have firmly placed your hoof at the spot on the bridge of your muzzle and between your eyes. You apply pressure, both to punish your own inadequacy and to stifle your growing headache. You slowly nod, as if to appease her ego and get the conversation over with as quickly as possible.
“My, then. We have such big plans for you.” Chrysalis lets out a hearty and evil laugh, and the wings of a few of her henchmen buzz in anticipation.
Your hoof drops off your face. “Let me guess: you plan to abduct me, replace me with a changeling, use my relationship with Princess Luna to gain strategic information, and then you’re going to invade Canterlot.”
Chrysalis lets out a dismissive puff of air. “Please, you ponies could never even APPROACH the intelligence needed to apprehend my nuanced plans!”
“Okay, let me try again,” you groan, this time a hoof flipping left and right in front of you to accentuate each step. “You’re going to abduct me, replace me with a changeling who will present a more handsome and charming version of me, make Luna fall in love with my changeling replacement, and THEN you’re going to use the changeling’s relationship with her to invade Canterlot.”
Silence reigns in the car for a few moments, the dull clicking of the wheels on the tracks the only sound heard.
“It doesn’t matter what our plans are, what matters is who we are!” Chrysalis cries, her horn glowing a ghostly green.
Just as it discharges, a poof of purplish pink smoke appears in the middle of the cabin, followed by the sound of magic reflecting off of a crystalline object. Another sound, this time a loud thud, follows a second after.
When the smoke clears, Queen Chrysalis is flayed immobile on the far side of the car, her horn and right hoof covered in green changeling biofilm and attached to the train’s luggage compartment. Only a foot in front of you lies the Obsidian Chestplate of the Inquisitor. A parchment pops into existence in front of your face. You grab it and begin to read:
Dear Inquisitor,
Applejack delivered this to me today. She said that you had inadvertently left this at her farm a few days ago. Your irresponsibility with royal equipment astounds me. Be more careful, especially with this! Do you know how much history is in this chest plate? I do, because I read an eight-volume set on the history of Equestrian Inquisitors! If Red Ragnar the Third can be bitten through the chest plate by a rampaging dragon and survive, then you can remember to pick it up before you leave!
Applejack also passive-aggressively criticized my rule against providing monetary assistance to friends, a line of thought I can only assume came from your head.
And if that’s not all, Spike has been even more googly-eyed over Rarity than usual lately. He can’t even transcribe letters for me! I HAD TO HOOF-WRITE THIS. Somehow, my mind is telling me that Spike’s attitude is somehow your fault too.
I am the princess of friendship and so I have to try and be friends with anypony who doesn’t expressly try to destroy Equestria. That being said, I don’t have to like it.
I may contact you at a later date, DEFINITELY NOT for your help in addressing needs related to platonic physical intimacy. If you talk to anypony about these letters or show them, I will have you tried for libel and imprisoned in a dungeon until such time as your senility makes you harmless to my reputation.
If you need my help on anything, please, hesitate to ask.
Princess Twilight Sparkle
You look up from the letter at the stunned changelings, their struggling queen, and your chest plate. “Oh. Sweet.” You take a few steps toward Chrysalis and the Changeling horde. “Well, Queenie, looks like you and I stand at an impasse.”
She growls. “Impasse my flank! I have dozens of changelings that can easily capture you even without my magic!”
“Yeah,” you say sarcastically, “and that totally doesn’t give me time to escape to the next car, pull the emergency brake, set off the smoke detector, call the main conductor, or do any other of a dozen or so motions that will alert the entire train to your presence and lead to an elite royal guard squad being dropped on our position within twenty minutes.”
The changelings begin to slowly advance anyway. “At least you’ll be out of the picture then!” The stranded queen cries.
Suddenly, you hear a loud rumble coming from the front changeling. The entire column of advancing bugs halts as this. The front changeling sheepishly drags its perforated hoof on the carpeted floor in front of him.
What was that noise? You look at the changelings again, and notice that they look, well, a little skinny. A few look downright malnourished, even. Actually, as you think about it, you realize that these changelings were so weak and slow that you could probably take them all on with only your hooves.
You hesitate but ask anyway, “Are you…hungry?”
They look at you, but don’t advance any further. After a few seconds, they begin looking in all directions but directly at you.
“Awww…..” you let out, heart rent by the plight of these creatures. You step toward them.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” Chrysalis cries in anger. “GET HIM!”
You slowly approach the lead changeling and cautiously give it a hug. It waits for a moment before it slips a chitinous hoof around you too. A flash occurs and it turns into a cute young mare, who gives you a light nuzzle and steps back, smiling.
Another changeling approaches you and turns into an adorable colt.
“It’s okay,” you say. “None of you have to transform.”
The colt hesitates before turning back into a changeling. You scratch his head.
“WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?” Chrysalis cries in confusion and disgust, as the rest meekly approach you.
After all of the changelings had enough loving affection to fill their tummies, you walked over to Chrysalis. “Oh no,” she growls. “Don’t you dare!”
You ignore her and snuggle her too, wrapping her in a big hug and nuzzling her neck. Trying your best to avoid her flailing hooves and the biofilm still gluing her to the train, you give her a tight squeeze before letting go. Chrysalis continues to protest and order her minions to seize you; you ignore her and turn your attention to the small horde of changelings in the car.
“So, why don’t you guys make sure you have enough to eat by just making sure you give each other lots of hugs and emotional support from now on?”
“We need pony love to eat in order to expand the hive’s population.” A voice from the back says.
“So you can’t eat changeling love at all?”
“Well, I suppose we can…” a different voice says.
The crowd is silent for a while. A few buzzes can be heard from wings that are readjusting.
“…So… have you considered maybe feeding on love from your changeling friends unless you really need pony love for another reason? You wouldn’t go hungry that way.”
“…That sounds like a pretty good idea actually,” says the lead changeling from earlier. The crowd buzzes in agreement. “We should tell the others back at the hive.”
“I bet ponies would even give you their love if you asked nicely,” you say. “No invasion or body replacement necess-“
“OH NO,” Chrysalis yells from behind you. “You’ve already turned them into sissies, don’t you dare take invading and body snatching from them too!”
You roll your eyes. “And what about you, fair queen?”
“I’m getting out of here. Guards!”
A few changelings begrudgingly traipse over and cut the film attaching her to the train fuselage. They begin to fly her out of the train skylight. The others murmur thanks and get last minute hugs before following. “You will be mine soon, Inquisitor!” Chrysalis cries as she flies out with her assault team.
You just sit back down in your seat, mentally exhausted. You decide to write a letter to Princess Luna updating her on your progress. As soon as it’s sent, you settle down for a nap.
You are awakened by a magical poof and a scroll falling directly on your face. You groan, and wake yourself up. By the time you have cleared your mind, you have already begun to read:
Dearest Friend,
We art, too, saddened by the wall you have hit in thine investigation. But fear not! We hath the utmost confidence in your abilities, and are most delighted to hear that thou shalt be returning to Canterlot, where thou shall be staying with us at the castle and required to be in snuggle or snuggle-derived contact with us for at least ten hours each day.
Excellent work in defeating the wench Chrysalis by exploiting the malnutrition of her soldiers! That is an excellent strategy that we used many a time lo those many years ago. Verily, there is no better way to break a siege than to promise the starving defenders cartloads of bread and vegetables if they art to deliver their king hogtied and bound to the foot of thy battle-throne! We shall make sure that the royal guard keepeth an eye out for Chrysalis and her agents, seeing as she again actively plotteth against Equestria.
Alas, her plan was doomed to failure from the start. No amount of charisma and handsomeness shall swoon us, for our heart’s affections are forever closely guarded. We art a strong, powerful Princess who needeth no stallion to be self-actualized, and perhaps will never desire the affections of another.
Also, thou shalt be accompanying us to a ball in two weeks held in the grounds of the royal castle. Thy Princess commandeth thou!
We hath commissioned a custom made dress and art preparing for merriment. We art truly excited! Please prepare thine skills in ballroom dancing and light conversation. Formal attire, all important ponies attending. Thy date princess would also be most pleased with the presentation of a small flower to her before the event and will accept compliments to her appearance during thusly identified period.
We would also like to inform thou that we must unfortunately require thou to avoid all unnecessary contact with all mares until such time as you see us again. We knoweth not who is involved in this web of treachery.
With much friendly affection,
Thy companion Princess Luna of Equestria
P.S. We art not jealous.
You roll your eyes. At that time, the train’s speakers come on, alerting you that the train was approaching Ponyville. You will be rolling on by the town directly to Canterlot, a thought that makes you feel a twinge of guilt deep in your chest.
But as the train pulls into the station, you are met with several large, billowing columns of smoke coming from the town. You jump out of your seat as the doors open, cursing under your breath as you run out into the town to assess the problem.
Your chest plate is left on the floor of the train as the doors close and the train begins clicking up the ascent to Canterlot.