//------------------------------// // In Which the Ponies Make Things Weird // Story: The Most Powerful Dragon in Equestria Visits for Tea // by meme-asaurus //------------------------------// So yeah, I still can’t understand what Pinkie Pie is saying, but I’m having one of those ‘parties’ now. This isn’t so bad. From what I can read from the banner, we’ve opted from a ‘birthday party’ to a ‘welcome to Ponyville, Ember’ party. We’ve also moved our location to this spot called ‘Sugarcube Corner,’ and got some more ponies to join us there. Since Spike has been here for a year or three now, the caterers have expanded their menu to gem-based flavors of cupcakes. And if putting sugar in tea is already the best idea ever, mixing frosting and sapphires is now the highlight of pony ingenuity. If only the other guests had the courage to come up and talk to me instead of just cowering in a corner. Dragons are strangers to friendship, but hell if we can’t tell when someone is dampening the mood. At least Spike is putting his best foot forward. “So,” he says, gulping down his fourth cupcake, “How goes the new job?” “Oh, you know, leading and stuff,” I shrug. Holding the Scepter doesn’t leave at lot of room to fidget with my claws. It’s supposed to be for swinging around and shooting lasers, not interlocking your fingers into whatever position you want. “I’m trying to figure ways of hearing others’ input that doesn’t lead to arguments. But you know what they say: Opinions are like buttholes. Every dragon has one, and they all start to stink if you don’t wipe the muck out once and awhile.” I fake a laugh. He fakes a laugh. We fake satisfaction. Out of the corner of my eye, Fluttershy has gradually been given seventeen different versions of the same pep talk: Come on over to me and just speak up. I can’t really make out Fluttershy’s responses to this, but they contain a rather gratuitous usage of the word ‘can’t.’ I know it’s rude to listen in on other’s conversations, but it’s also rude to talk about someone when they’re right in front of you, so I guess we’re all on the same level here. And you know what? Having a stalemate of awkward silence and barriers of anti-confrontational social cues isn’t what being a dragon is about. It’s time to shake things up. Beating up the toughest dragon on the mountain makes you feared, and in that regard, breaking the ice with the shyest pony in the room should make you approachable. Doesn’t that make sense? It should make sense. Any plan makes sense when you’re frustrated enough. At the risk of being obnoxious, I march up to Fluttershy and shake her by the shoulders. “You. Speak.” Like a flower in the sunset, her mane closes up to hide her face. It’s a little impressive. She’s so timid, her hair acts as some kind security-blanket camouflage. Her wings are locked up and tense. I might as well have roared at her as loud I could. “Whuh-what’s your favorite animal?” she exhales. She hyperventilates to keep herself conscious. Good enough. Interesting question, even. “Cows,” I say after letting go of her to think for a minute. “They stay in wide open fields and have a lot of meat on them. Go excellent with BBQ sauce.” I examine her reaction. You could hear a pin drop in here. I may have misunderstood the question. “What, do you mean an animal that doesn’t talk?” It takes a second for her to nod. “And, uhm, oh my goodness, your favorite animal to keep around. As a pet. Do dragons keep pets?” I think hard for this one. Whelp, honesty is the best policy. “No.” But then again, I’m determined not to let another conversation end on a sour note. “What’s your favorite animal?” “B-b-b-b-b-buh-bunnies.” At least I don’t have to MAKE her talk anymore. “Yeah, and your favorite thing about bunnies?” It’s hard for Fluttershy to confident when talking to me, but it’s also hard for her to stay scared when talking about bunnies. Yes! Insight for the win! “They’re… fluffy,” Fluttershy begins. “And cuddly. And cute. And quiet. They also make big knitting circles. They’re like little soft clouds that hop around on the ground.” This is so sweet, it’s making my teeth hurt. I’m starting to regret this course of action. “I have this one bunny named Angel. I named him that because he has one of whitest coat I’ve ever seen! He helps me take care of all the other critters sometimes; he’s very helpful that way.” You know, some dragons have recently accused me of torture for trying to talk them to death. They know NOTHING compared to what I’m going through right now. “I also like butterflies, but I guess you can tell my cutie mark. They’re even quieter than bunnies, so much so that butterflies can scare you by being suddenly so close without making a sound. Rainbow Dash says that they’re like colorful ninjas that way, but that’s too violent of a description for such a peaceful creature. Oh, um, don’t tell Rainbow Dash I said that; she doesn’t know.” It’s been thirty seconds since she started. An eternity. “I also like how some butterflies migrate from one place to another in swarms. Flying has always scared me silly, and it’s inspiring to see so many helpless creatures fly together across such a long distance. And most ponies don’t find bears to be very cute, but I personally-” “WOW, THANKS FOR THAT,” I bellow politely, shoving a claw over her mouth. “NEVER KNEW YOU HAD SUCH AN INTREST IN… THOSE THINGS YOU SAID. I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE. BYE NOW.” I can feel a few ponies glaring daggers at me, among them a particularly grouchy white bunny. I don’t care. I have stared into the abyss, and it was tremendously boring. I think I need to get what comes out of the mare’s mouth weaponized, or Equestria might wipe out dragonkind. (Maybe even by accident.) “Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” Pinkie’s voice draws out, giving light she has a bit of understanding to both sides of the conversation I just had. “Who wants to play Pin the Tail on the Pony?!” I blink. “But… all of your tails are already attached.” “I know, it was confusing for me at first, too,” Pinkie reassures. “Basically, it’s more like Pin the Paper Tail on the Poster of a Pony.” “The catch being?” Pinkie narrows her eyes and flashes in evil smile. “You’re blindfolded. And dizzy. One life stock. No items. Fox only. Final Destination.” I didn’t get half of what she was saying, but boy, did she make it sound intense. “I’m in.” Pinkie becomes a blur again, and my vision goes dark. I suddenly feel like I’m being forced to a barrel roll ten times over while I’m still on the ground. The claw that’s not holding the Scepter now holds an object with a sharp point. “Okaaay… go!” snaps Pinkie. I take a step and realize how dizzy I am. Those cupcakes feel really heavy in my belly all of a sudden. Steady breaths, Ember. Throwing up in public isn’t pretty. The Scepter provides some support for my hindered balance. It’s probably showing. “Hey, no walking sticks! That’s cheating,” Pinkie says innocently. I feel hooves yank at the Scepter. I panic and yank back harder. So hard, in fact, that I fall over on my back with an embarrassingly girlish yelp. An unidentified pair of hooves helps me up, and I try to maintain all the dignity a blind dragon that just lost their footing can keep. “The Scepter stays with me,” I sternly declare, unable to face anypony in particular. “Okay, that’s fine, have it your way,” Fluttershy mumbles. Her voice is close enough for me to guess that she was the one that helped me up. That shocks me more than somepony trying grab the Scepter from me. I just shouted in her face, and she’s helping me. That’s… really nice. That’s unreasonably nice. Is it because this party is about me, or does Fluttershy already consider me a friend? I can’t tell if my head is spinning because somepony forgave me so fast, or- *BLEUGH!* Or because I’m so dizzy, I just puked five cupcakes at once, probably on some unsuspecting party guest. I take a peek behind my blindfold, and my fears are confirmed: Fluttershy just got a point-blank facefull of dragon vomit. She’s already wiping it away, trying not to get any of it in her eyes. “Fluttershy, I’m sorr-“ *BLEUGH!* Oh, right. Nobody throws up just once. I always forget that. This time, I think got a bit of it in her mouth. Its Pinkie Pie that’s apologizing now, directed at me. She’s talking too fast again, but I think I caught ‘something something my own spinning power.’ Also, you know seeing someone else throw up triggers some freaky gag reflex? That’s happening now. To like, half the party. Including Fluttershy. All over me. And lookie here, we’re all brought down to even ground again. Whenever other dragons ask me what ponies are like, I say that ‘You’ll end up puking by the end of the afternoon, but you’ll feel good about it, because that shows we’re not so different on the inside.’ They never get the joke.