After agreeing to the quest, they were given a few more details, and a few hundred ‘golz’, which were basically brass bits, and then escorted out of the castle. Half a dozen armored guards lined up in front of the gate to keep them from going back in.
“Ugh,” Moondancer groaned. “Not only are we not done with our quest, but we have to do a quest to even start on the real quest. Who came up with this?”
“Are we even still in the game?” Spike asked, looking around at the town. It had ponies going about their business, shops, houses, a teacher leading a group of school children on a field trip. “They said they summoned us from another world – what if they were telling the truth?”
“The lava crypt was obviously a game,” Bon Bon said. “It waited until we’d chosen our character classes, then gave us weapons that fit us. We still have those weapons, so this must still be the game.”
“But what if it’s not?” Spike said. “What if their spell was searching around the multiverse for adventurers and saw our game and snatched us out of it because we looked like heroes?”
“Does it really matter?” Derpy asked. “We have to do the quest either way! Either it’s the only way to get back to the real world or it’s the only way to save the real world! A different real world is still a world. We can’t just let it get taken over by evil.”
“It matters because we’re all going to die,” Moondancer said. “Which is bad enough if this is a game, but at least then we’d come back to life at the last checkpoint.”
“If you’re really worried, then we’ll just have to make sure not to die,” Bon Bon said. “But that means we’re going to have to take this seriously.”
“So even if it’s a game, we should treat it like a real quest?” Spike asked.
“Not quite,” Bon Bon said, her face grim. “Even if it’s real, we need to treat it like it’s a game. We need to scour every nook and cranny for every bit of equipment or treasure we can pick up, and pick a fight with anything that’s weaker than us to practice our fighting. We need to do every side quest, win every mini-game, and avoid what looks like the main quest line for as long as possible, so that we’ll be overpowered for the boss monsters when they finally arrive.
“If someone tells us that we need to hurry to fix their problem, we need to delay as long as possible and do everything else we can possibly think of first. If we find too much treasure to carry, we drop everything, head back to town to spend what we have, and then go back for the rest.
“And we need to cheat,” she added. “If any of you see an opportunity to break the rules, let everypony else know so that we can exploit it.”
“I don’t like this plan,” Derpy said. “That’s not the sort of thing heroes do.”
“It sounds like it’s going to take a really long time,” Moondancer said. “But I guess it’s a really long time where we get to still be alive, instead of eaten by monsters. Let’s do it.”
“Spike?” Bon Bon asked. “What do you think?”
“I think everypony’s staring at us,” Spike said, looking around at the crowd. Indeed, everypony on the street was looking at them, except for the teacher who was trying to keep the schoolchildren from staring, without much success. “Maybe we shouldn’t be discussing this out on the street?”
“Or… maybe we should buy some clothes,” Bon Bon said. “Let’s see if we can find an armorer.”
===
The armorer did, indeed, sell armor. He had a suit of copper-colored plate armor that he was able to quickly adjust for Spike, some intricately ornamented leather armor for Derpy that was light enough to let her fly, and a blue-and-white cotton robe for Moondancer that was woven through with special runes that would enhance her magical power, or so he claimed.
“Do you have another suit of leather?” Bon Bon asked. “I’d like to stay mobile.”
The armorer shook his head. “I’m sorry, miss, but we don’t stock clothing for cooks here. Have you tried the tavern?”
“I’m a rogue,” she said.
“Not according to the information I was given,” the merchant said, waving around a small pamphlet. “It clearly says to stock inventory for a Knight, Pirate, Wizard –“
“Are you going to stop right there, or am I going to have to demonstrate my skills?” Bon Bon asked, setting her ladle on the counter.
“But – you can’t threaten me!” he said, cowering back behind his counter. He waved the little pamphlet again. “Heroes aren’t allowed to attack merchants. It’s in the rules!”
“Give me that,” Moondancer said, snatching the pamphlet out of his hooves.
“Do you want to wear mine?” Derpy offered, landing on the counter next to Bon Bon’s ladle, and leaning down to talk to her. “I can just pray for more muffins if I get hurt.”
“I want him to sell me some clothes,” Bon Bon growled.
“Look,” the merchant said. “I can sell you armor for a rogue, but you aren’t going to be able to wear it.”
“I’m willing to take that chance,” Bon Bon said.
“Are you sure? I only pay ten percent if you try to sell it back used.”
Bon Bon dropped a few dozen golz on the counter. With a sigh, the armorer swept it into his cash box, and went into the back room, coming out with what looked like a bright green cat suit. “Here you go, basic rogue armor. Skin-tight to enhance stealth and evasion.”
Bon Bon plopped it on her back and went behind a screen to change. While they waited, Moondancer continued to read through the pamphlet, while Spike practiced a few sword swings with his new armor. It was a bit heavy, but not enough to really slow him down – thanks to Rarity and Twilight using him as a porter so often, he’d gotten used to moving around with heavy loads.
Derpy sat on the counter admiring her new armor. “Mmm, this smells really nice,” she said. “What’s it made out of?”
“We sell starter sets here in Castle Town,” the armorer answered, “so it’s just cow hide.”
Derpy blinked (or possibly winked, but that wouldn’t have made much sense, so it was probably a blink). “Cow Hide? What an odd name for a plant.”
“It’s not a plant,” Moondancer said. “It means they took a cow, flayed off all her skin, and then bashed her head in and rubbed her brains all over it. Let it sit for a few weeks, and you’ve got leather.”
“That’s… not the exact procedure we use,” the armorer said. “But yes, it’s leather.”
“Oooh,” Derpy said. “Do you have a lot of problems with evil cows?”
The armorer looked confused. “Evil… cows?”
“Well, you’re good guys so you wouldn’t have killed a good cow just to make armor out of her,” Derpy said. “Oh! I bet we’ll find all kinds of evil monsters with skin that we can flay off and make into leather! Giant rats and chimeras and spiders…”
“Dragons?” Moondancer suggested.
Spike snorted, “If you’re trying to bother me, you can stop. Most of the other dragons I’ve met deserve to be turned into clothing.” He paused. “Ugly clothing. Or maybe a set of boots so that they can get stepped on all the time.”
“Spiiiike!” came Bon Bon’s voice from behind the screen. “Can you give me a little help?”
“Uh… are you decent?” Spike asked.
“Don’t tell me you’ve gone native already,” Bon Bon said. “Get back here with those nimble little claws of yours and help me get this thing on.”
“Aye aye, captain!” Spike said, saluting and then running off behind the screen.
Moondancer rolled her eyes. “What a perv.”
“What do you mean?” Derpy asked.
“He didn’t put up much of a fight before going back to watch her dressing.”
Derpy tilted her head. “But we don’t normally wear clothes.”
Spike’s voice came from beind the screen. “Nnnnng… Bon Bon… I don’t think this is going to fit.”
“Nonsense, it stretches,” Bon Bon said. “Just put all your strength into it!”
“Nnnng…. Raah!” Spike panted a few times. “Okay, it’s going… are you sure this doesn’t hurt?”
“You’re doing fine,” Bon Bon said, her voice strained. “Don’t stop now…”
Moondancer stood up, and her horn flashed, whipping aside the screen. “Enough with the stupid innuendo! We know you’re just working on a stuck zipper or something.”
Spike and the half-dressed Bon Bon froze, then both started laughing. “Sorry,” Spike said, letting go of the zipper. “We couldn’t resist.”
“Can you imagine the look she’d have had if we were actually having sex?” Bon Bon said. “That would have been perfect.”
“Maybe next time?” Spike suggested. There was a loud CLANG as Bon Bon’s hoof rang off his helmet, knocking him to the ground. “Oww…”
“Now come on, help me with this zipper, I think I’ve almost got it.” She sat back on her haunches to expose the zipper running up her belly and chest, which had been zipped up about halfway. Before Spike could grab hold again and start pulling it up, there was a loud tearing sound from beneath her, and they both froze.
“No refunds,” the merchant said.
“You gave me the wrong size!” Bon Bon said, leaping to her feet. There was another ripping sound as one of the hind legs split open.
“It’s one size fits all!” he protested. “One size fits all rogues.”
“Are you calling me fat?” she growled.
“Well,” Spike said, “you have worked as a candy maker for what, five years now?”
Bon Bon glared at him, until he whimpered and backed off a few steps. “Fine,” she said, through clenched teeth. “Let’s head to the tavern, and talk to their cook.”
“Smooth move, Romeo,” Moondancer said, patting Spike on his head-spikes as he hung back to let Bon Bon leave the store as far ahead of him as possible.