It was a normal day in Soul Society- Shunsui was drunk at four in the afternoon, Kenpachi Zaraki was walking through walls and Mayuri had captured some ‘volunteers’ for whatever the fuck he was doing. The man could be called a variety of names- freak face, Joker Junior, Mr Mime, Toilet Head- but he was, first and foremost, a sadist whose experiments had caused more deaths over five years than the Hollows had in the same time frame. The full body paint he wore every day was assumed by many to be his natural skin colour, as to prevent inquisitive Shinigami from delving into his privacy he explained off as his first attempt to solve one of the great mysteries of Soul Society- namely: “is it possible to cure the common cold?”
His two subjects looked like they were going to explode out of anger, fear, and a pressing need to find a urinal- they were, after all, members of Squad Eleven, men who drank incredible amounts of sake at every meal and break, who wrestled with Hollows as recreation, and who were reputably so badass that Aizen had decided to bribe men of Squad Eleven with enough sake to kill a million lesser souls. But the men had refused, as they knew that Captain Zaraki would, if they betrayed the Squad, come bursting through the walls like the Kool-Aid man, cut the guilty party in half, put on sunglasses for some reason and ride a Nyan Cat out while singing the Imperial March. Needless to say, Captain Zaraki encouraged, and sometimes supplied these kinds of rumours.
The men chosen for this revolution in medical knowledge were two of the strongest men in Squad Eleven- Third seat Ikkaku Madarame, whose head glowed so brightly that a Hollow had been blinded by the pure awesomeness emanating from his head, and Fifth Seat Yumichika Ayasegawa, who Mayuri had suspected of being a woman. Seriously, he acted so effeminate, that the brief examination had proven, beyond all doubt, that the man was just girly.
“Come now, if you would just be quiet I can get this experiment over with quickly and you can go back to drinking alcohol and taxing your livers.” His thin, whining tone of voice only made the two men angrier.
“LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
“Yumichika let me explain-“
“HE’S GOING TO RAPE US! HE HAS A PERVERTS EYES AND GRIN! IKKAKU, FEAR FOR YOUR SPHINCTER!’
“WHAT?! LET ME OUT OF HERE SO YOU CAN TASTE HōZUKIMARU!
“Yumichika, if I was going to ‘rape you’, you’d be raped already. You are going to be my latest test subjects in my attempts to cure… the common cold.”
“Why is that even something you think about?”
Mayuri sighed, adjusting his toilet shaped hair before choosing to answer that question. “The Head Captain has given me specific orders on my test subjects- they have to not be ill, and have to be diagnosed as such by the captain of Squad Four. They repeatedly say that they have a cold, and I cannot disprove it- Unohana gives them a wrong diagnosis and I am forced to watch them go around with their heads full of eyeballs.”
“So… developing a cure for the common cold… to get test subjects is your only motivation?”
Mayuri simply sighed and started working on the latest piece of machinery. It appeared to be about the size of a small cannon, with various tubes and wires hanging loose on it. Twin barrels were pointing at the twin tables that the men from Squad Eleven were secured firmly to. The structure was topped off by a large vat of mysterious red substance.
“What is that stuff anyway?”
“It is my revolutionary cold cure. It is very unstable. If it is disrupted in any way it could…to be honest, I don’t know what it could do.”
This only caused Yumichika to panic.
“IKKAKU! HE’S POURING SLUDGE ON US AND HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT DOES?! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR WILL BE RUINED!”
“It is dispersed in gaseous form.” At these comforting words, Yumichika visibly calmed down. He still looked apprehensive though. Mayuri was finally happy with the state of this experiment. The victims- err, ‘voluntary test subjects’, right- weren’t complaining, the machine was working perfectly, and even his idiot ‘daughter’, Nemu, was working efficiently. Nothing could go wrong.
However, as soon as you say this, even in your head, something will, invariably, go wrong.
“Hey, Clown-face!”
Mayuri’s eye twitched at the sound of that voice.
Soul King, if I ever get to your dimension, I will personally vivisect you!
Yachiru Kusajashi.
The only person that Kenpachi was close to.
Kenpachi’s surrogate daughter, who he took drinking with, who was ‘educated’ by Kenpachi- which mainly meant Kenpachi leaving her at the Kuchki residence and telling her to bug “old stick-up-his ass.’
Yachiru, who could lift the massive captain up with one arm and still flash step up an incredibly large building.
She defied every attempt of understanding he could think of- she was the second strongest person in a squad of lunatics despite being a mere 100 years old, she commanded other captains around in the Shinigami Women’s’ Association like it was natural and destroyed valuable lab equipment in her search for sweets. And Mayuri couldn’t do a thing about it, or that maniac Kenpachi would kill him personally.
“Hello, Yachiru,” grated Mayuri, hoping that the tiny demon would get the message and leave his building. He could already feel his blood pressure rising to dangerous levels.
No use, the mental telescopes on Planet Kusajashi were currently focused on the men of Squad Eleven.
“Hey, Baldy, Girly! What are you doing down there?”
Apparently, ‘Baldy’ didn’t like Yachiru any more than Mayuri did. “IT’S NOT BALDY, YACHIRU! IT’S IKKAKU!”
“You’re all tied up down there! You’d best come along with me or Kenny will be mad at you!”
“WE’RE TIED DOWN BY A RAPIST HERE! SAVE US YACHIRU!”
Yachiru, however, had been diverted by something shiny.
Shiny and red.
Like blood.
Mayuri nearly had a fit when she jumped down onto his volatile cold cure and started to release spiritual pressure like crazy. A small part of his brain, which was not alternatively screaming at the waste and the danger that the small girl had put herself into, noted that she was at the level of a captain despite her young age. Maybe he would look into it a bit more should he survive.
His miraculous cold cure, however, didn’t appreciate the spiritual pressure. It was glowing a hot pink- it was going critical. With luck, it would only explode.
Luck, apparently, was out for Mayuri’s blood today.
Yachiru finally realized how dangerous the situation was for her, so she instinctively ran through normal instincts: Fight or Flight. Obviously, she chose Fight. Mayuri could only sob as she drew her zanpacto and attacked the vat, which was the last straw for his miraculous cure.
The cure reacted with the zanpacto’s energies, and, for a brief instant, it swelled up to engulf Yachiru, Yumichika and Ikkaku. Then, with a small ‘pop’ they were gone.
Mayuri, who had just avoided the explosion, was catatonic out of terror. Not only had he lost a cure which had taken 100 years to get to that stage was ruined- fortunately he still had the notes on the current formula- but Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika were missing.
Zaraki was going to kill him. There was only one option left which didn’t involve dismemberment.
“NEMU! Open a Garganta to their current location!”
“Sir, there isn’t enough Reishi of chaotic nature at their current location. We can communicate with them, but we cannot travel there ourselves.”
“WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! Even in the Soul Society, there should be enough for one portal to their location.”
“Ordinarily, yes sir, but they have crossed the dimensional planes.”
“So they have traversed dimensions eh? Well, can we communicate with it?”
“Establishing a connection now.”
Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment as to what you think, criticism helps!