Rainbow Dash lowered the glass from her muzzle, stifled a belch, and slurred: "Okay... young mothers in yoga pants."
Vinyl shook her head. "Nope."
"Really?" Rainbow teetered slightly, smelling the whiff of cider from her own breath. "Not even yoga pants? Yoga pants, girl."
Vinyl smiled slightly. "Just makes me think of mid-life crises."
"Okay, uhmmm..." Rainbow Dash tapped her chin, squinted across the theatre seats behind them, and eventually blurted: "Firefighters. I mean... like... big strapping stallions in firefighter boots."
Vinyl shook her head again. "Not even in the least."
"You gotta be kidding me! Everypony's gay for firefighters!" Rainbow hiccuped, then slapped her chest. "Or straight. Or both."
"All I can think of are photographs of poor families huddled over their burnt out homes."
"Is that how you stay non-sexual?" Rainbow squinted. "You change every kink into a negative thought?"
"Not negative thoughts, really," Vinyl said. "Just... down-to-earth ones." She cleared her throat. "And it's not non-sexual. It's asexual."
"What's the difference?"
"One's neutered, the other isn't."
"So... like..." Rainobw Dash cocked her head to the side. "Is there anything you are attracted to?"
"Sure."
Rainbow blinked. "Do tell."
Vinyl leaned back, adjusting her shades in thought. Eventually, she bore a calm smile. "I'm attracted to the adjustable faucet nozzle of my shower back in Ponyville."
Silence, save for the murmur of distant casino crowds.
"I don't know if that's sad or enviable," Rainbow slurred.
Vinyl shrugged. "It gets the job done."
"You must hate going on super long tours."
"Hey... hotels have nice showers too," Vinyl said. "Take our suite back at Mortuana, for example—"
"Oh, ick..." Rainbow Dash flapped her forelimbs, grimacing. "Stop right there."
Vinyl chuckled. "There really isn't much to describe."
"Just answer me this..." Rainbow Dash pointed. "Let's say the golden opportunity happened to you one day... would you say 'no?'"
"Describe a 'golden opportunity.'"
Rainbow Dash fumbled for a moment. Her eyes swept across the bar, the walls, the plush carpet. At last—with a devious smirk—she said: "You're check into a hotel late at night because you missed the last train to Ponyville. So you've got an entire twenty-four hours to kill, and six of those hours are being spent just... lazing around in a hotel lobby, waiting for a room to clear. Then—out of the rain comes this smoking hot mare. She's also a musician. Let's say... a violinist—"
"Oh, violinists are always stuck up—"
"I'm not finished!" Rainbow Dash fought another hiccup and continued: "I mean... she's—like—a total friggin' babe. Would turn gay stallions straight and straight stallions even straighter. A fillyfooler's wet dream. I'm talkin' friggin' Neighagra Falls wet. Coat as soft as silk. Charcoal black hair that fans out like a stormfront. Eyes painted a burnt gray, as though she's survived the fires of her very own hawtness. And she stumbles over to the seat next to yours, just... dripping with rainwater and humidity. She sniffles, her eyes and cheeks all puffy, cuz she's super sad over losing her bit bag to a rain gutter. 'Excuse me, Miss!' she coos in this adorable accent... like she just trotted out of the posh streets of Trottingham. 'I am lost and I need a helpin' hoof to guide me to safe sanctuary. May you be so kind as to lend me a few bits so that I may sleep inside a phone booth tonight? I'm not askin' for much!' And—like—she slips on a puddle and sorta... pours herself into your forelimbs, all soft and warm and weak and draping. And she doesn't have the strength to stand back up. She's all sobs and sighs, and you're the only soul that can bring her back to the surface. And maybe... just maybe... after all of the cuddling and cute giggles, you might find that you both have a like-minded interest in music... maybe enough to make a remix album together."
Silence.
Vinyl yawned. "Mmmm... I'd just lend her bits and be on my way. No doubt she's been through an awful lot and needs some time to cope and regain her senses. The mare's awfully distraught and it'd be super terrible of me to take advantage of it, not like I'd have anything to gain, really, unless her uncle in Trottingham is a plumber."
"Really?" Rainbow Dash frowned. "Nothing remotely... smexy is triggered in all of that?"
"I'm sure if that happened in real life, I'd be put off even more by the mildewy smell of her soaking wet mane."
"Guh! That description was supposed to be sexy, you darn loaf of plain white bread!" Rainbow's voice sputtered. She hung her head, wincing from intoxicated dizziness. "Whewwww... not a good time for lambasting... urp..."
"You're barking up the wrong tree, Rainbow," Vinyl said with a breathy chuckle. "More like a stump, really."
"Don't sell yourself short, Vinyl." Rainbow belched. "You're pretty hot in your own way."
"Nah... I'm not..."
"Pfft! You're just denying it 'cuz you don't care." Rainbow smirked slyly. "You've got a shiny clean coat, a mystical pair of red eyes, a snazzy electric blue mane."
"It's just the DJ-P0N3 image." Vinyl shrugged. "My manager thought it up... even though he sports a mohawk—"
"Plus! You're smart and rich. Guys are into half of that, I promise you. Mares... well... they'll respect you for one half and lean on the other, but that's at least one half more than guys."
"You ever did it with a stallion?"
"Ew... buck no!" Rainbow Dash wheezed.
"Heh..." Vinyl winked. "Then who are you to talk?"
"HIC!" Rainbow gulped. "Although Rarity did try to match me up with one recently."
"That's adorable," Vinyl said. "And also kind of sad."
"Eh, he's a cool dude. We've remained friends. Plus..." Rainbow sipped at an empty glass and frowned. "...he's good at catching references."
"What's his name?"
"My... head's too foggy at the moment." Rainbow rubbed her skull. "Essay Quill Checker or something... mrmmff... what time is it?"
"Too early for you to be drunk."
Rainbow sighed. "That's what I was afraid of. Next thing you know, I'll be try to talk you out of being asexual."
Vinyl squirmed in her seat. "Yes, well..."
"There you are!" Bon Bon's voice cackled from a distance. "Lyraaaa! I found them!"
"About dayum time!" Lyra and the other mare wandered up to the bar. "By Hurricane's nether forests! You two soaking in it already?"
"Yes and no," Vinyl said, swiveling about in her stool. "Are you both broke yet?"
"Eeeeeeee!" Bon Bon did a tiny jig, smiling cheekily. "Nope nope nope! You'll never guess what happened!"
"You're pregnant."
"Vinylll! Don't even joke!" Bon Bon stuck her tongue out. "You tell 'em, Lyra!"
"Three thousand bits!" Lyra bellowed.
"You lost all of that?!" Rainbow Dash grimaced. "And here I almost felt bad for dipping into the cider—"
"No, we won that, ya talkin' port-a-potty!" Lyra sang. "Check it!" She lifted a thick back jingling with coinage.
Rainbow blinked. "Whoah..."
"Hey, way to go," Vinyl droned.
Bon Bon squinted. "You don't seem too surprised."
Vinyl shrugged. "I was half-expecting to bail most of you out. That's why I saved up for this month."
Bon Bon shook her head. "You'll never cease to amaze me, girl."
"Trade secret."
"Anywho..." Lyra grinned. "This is three thousand bits more than I expected to get from this whole mess, so I figured I'd splurge on two thousand of 'em!"
"Las Pegasus vacay is a go!" Bon Bon cheered.
Lyra glared aside. "You already gave a similar victory shout."
"Yes! But this time I can afford it! Heehee!"
"We can afford it!" Lyra smirked. "I'm splitting this up among all of us crazy bastards! Well, maybe not Vinyl, cuz she's secretly the Duchess of Canterlot beneath all those shades or some shit."
"Again..." Vinyl brushed her bangs back. "Trade secret."
"You won three thousand bits while I wasn't even looking..." Rainbow Dash thought aloud. She shrugged and licked at the edges of her glass. "...if my life was a storybook, it has one heck of a lazy author."
"None of that, now! It's go-time!" Bon Bon hoisted Rainbow off her stool.
"Whoah!" The numb pegasus stumbled to keep up with her.
"Come onnnn!" Bon Bon bounced gaily towards the theatre's exit. "We gotta find Caramel! Heehee! Lucky gal gets to be princess for a day!"
Rainbow wheezed. "What am I?! The poopsmith?!"