//------------------------------//
// Chapter 5: On the Head of a Pin 
// Story: My Little Paintball 
// by SweeneyXoz 
//------------------------------//


My Little Paintball
Chapter 5: On the Head of a Pin


The air was still. Following the initial hours of the Ponyville battle royale, most of the remaining competitors caught their breaths indoors or enjoyed a snack. A few whispers were shared inside shops and houses, but no pony dared raise his or her voice to attract attention. Less quiet, however, were three unruly fillies. They sped along Ponyville roads, using a scooter attached to a wagon. In the wagon rested a radio blaring Mare-o-smith's "Back in the Saddle".

"Hey, there's one!" Sweetie Belle informed Apple Bloom, who sat next to her with paintball gun at the ready. The Earth pony blasted the unaware target as Scootaloo sped them along the path.

"Nice one, Apple Bloom!" Scootaloo called over her shoulder. The flutter of wings and rush of wind nearly drowned out her voice.

"Thanks," the sharpshooting filly replied. "I hadn't expected to be so good at this."

Sweetie Belle gestured to the shocked and eliminated ponies they were leaving behind along the road. "Neither did they."

Apple Bloom smiled softly at the marker in her hooves, recognising her finesse with the weapon. "Y'know, this is fun and all, but I'm still wonderin' where Applejack could be. We've been out all afternoon but haven't seen her or her friends at all."

"Yeah, I figure we'd see at least one of them by now," Sweetie Belle said. She pointed at another hapless pony, who quickly fell to Apple Bloom's aim.

"Where do you figure they'd be?"

"Maybe Sugarcube Corner?" Scootaloo wondered aloud.

"But we drove past it three times already! I'm gettin' worried."

"What if we go along the edge of town?" Sweetie Belle asked. "We could check out the roads."

"Hey, that's a great idea! We can take out some more ponies along the way, too!"

Sweetie Belle couldn't help but wonder if Apple Bloom was getting a little too gung-ho about the paintball match. The Earth pony was doing well enough and had a right to be proud, but even pride has its limits. The unicorn switched the dial from station to station, listening for any sort of news announcement. Nothing but music and static left the speakers until...

"Good afternoon, angels," came a voice from the radio.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle recoiled in shock, almost tipping over the wagon. It fell back onto all four wheels and Apple Bloom screamed, "Ah! The radio's talkin' to us!"

"I am not a radio!" the voice said. "I'm a pony."

"Sweetie Belle! There's a pony trapped in the radio!"

The fillies clutched each other and screamed. Scootaloo panicked and skidded to an abrupt halt. "What the hay is going on back there?" she asked her friends.

"Watch your language, missy," the voice sternly told her.

"Er, sorry?"

"Apology accepted. Now, do you three know who I am?"

Apple Bloom looked at each of her friends with fear in her eyes and shouted, "A ghost pony!"

"I am not a ghost either! For goodness' sake, it's Cheerilee!"

"Ms. Cheerilee?" Apple Bloom asked. "How'd you get in the radio?"

Her teacher groaned. "Look, I'm not in the radio! I'm at the schoolhouse! I've been trying to get ahold of you three for hours!"

The fillies simultaneously let out a long "oh!" that seemed more appropriate on a family sitcom than a battlefield. Sweetie Belle spoke first after they realised their mistake. "So what is it you want?"

"I'm glad you asked, Sweetie Belle. You see, a few hours ago—after I let you all out for the match today—I received a message from a strange-sounding stallion, asking for ponies to join a coalition."

"A coa-wha?" Apple Bloom asked.

"It means 'a temporary organisation' and you should know it, little lady, considering it'll be on your vocabulary quiz next week."

The filly blushed. "Oh, right. So why did he want ponies in his organisationy thing?"

"Coalition, Apple Bloom. And I don't know. I know Featherweight overheard the call, but he ran off before I could stop him. I fear dark forces may be at work."

"Dark forces? But it's just a paintball game!"

"And school is just a distraction from playtime. Listen, everypony out there wants those cupcakes and some may be more willing to use unethical means than others. I need you three to investigate. Find your classmates and find out whether any of them have been drawn into the clutches of this... Mr. Mane character."

"Mane, huh?" Sweetie Belle said. "That sounds familiar."

"I wouldn't be surprised. It's a common name."

"Anything else we should know?" Scootaloo asked.

"You may wish to start by the bowling alley. I hear more than a few colts and fillies have been gathering there."

Apple Bloom (who remained oblivious to the fact that Cheerilee couldn't see them) saluted. "Will do, Ms. Cheerilee. We won't let you down."

"I hope so, angels. I'm counting on you."

"Oh! One more thing, Ms. Cheerilee?"

"Yes, Apple Bloom?"

"Why do you keep calling us angels?"

"Because you three have been perfect little angels all week. Honestly, I'm surprised at how well-mannered you've been! Well done."

"Aw, shucks. Thanks!"

"You're welcome. Good luck, my little—" Static interrupted Cheerilee's voice.

Sweetie Belle banged on the top of the radio in a sad attempt to get it working again. "Pony feathers! This thing's a piece of junk!"

"We'll just have to leave it behind," Apple Bloom said as she picked it up and tossed it over the side.

"Do you think Fluttershy will miss it?" Scootaloo asked.

Apple Bloom thought for a moment before replying, "Nah. We'll just leave her an I.O.U. like always."

The fillies strapped on their helmets and prepared to bolt once again. Scootaloo fired up her minute wings and sped herself and her friends along the road, never noticing the cameras that swivelled to watch them leave.


***


Cheerilee sat tied up in the middle of the game-runners' trailer with a microphone separating her from her captor, Filthy Rich. He sat on the other side of the room with a paintball gun in one hoof and a wine glass in the other. "Now that you've directed your favorite students to our good friend," he said. "Perhaps you'd like to witness their defeat once they arrive."

"They'll never be defeated by the likes of any minion you could conjure up!" Cheerilee spat back. "Just who is this Mr. Mane character, anyway?"

"Our benefactor in this whole debacle." He took a sip... which he promptly spat out. "You call this an appletini!?"

"Sorry, Mr. Rich," a pitiful-looking stallion said as he entered from the back room with a tray on his back.

Filthy Rich slammed his glass onto the tray. "Less apple, more tini!"

"But, sir, I don't think that's how appletinis—"

"Now!"

The stallion fearfully retreated to fix the drink.

"Did I miss something or did everypony suddenly take a level in jerkass?" Cheerilee asked. "Even you never raise your voice with anyone, Rich."

"I suppose I did forget my manners there for a moment. All this convoluted conspiring must be getting to me."

"Then why don't you tell me what's really going on? Why do you want Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scotaloo out of the game so badly? What aren't you telling me?"

"Please, Cheerilee. Even I can barely keep track of it all. Just know that I want what's best for Ponyville."

Cheerilee saw an opportunity to extract more information and switched on her feminine wiles. "And what about what's best for you?" she asked demurely.

Filthy Rich was taken aback. "For me? Wha— who... What do you mean?"

"Such a selfless, caring, and generous stallion like yourself deserves some good treatment, don't you think?"

"Well, I suppose. What sort of treatment, exactly?"

She fluttered her eyes. "The sensual kind."

He smiled awkwardly. "Meaning?"

"You know, sensual treatment?"

"I'm not following..."

Cheerilee sighed and her voice temporarily took on a matter-of-fact tone. "Sex?"

The very mention of the word sent beads of sweat down Filthy Rich's neck and he began to furiously fan his face. "Oh, goodness me, I don't know. It's been so long, after all. Not since the divorce have I—"

"Oh, come on, Rich. I am tied up, after all. Aren't you feeling a little hot for teacher?"

He moaned and felt himself practically float over the table to her.

"Now just tell Ms. Cheerilee about all your nasty plans."

"Oh, yeah. I— Wait..." He stopped in mid-float and fell to the floor. Accusingly, he pointed a hoof at his captive and shouted, "You're just seducing me for information, aren't you! Well, I'll never tell. I'll never fall for your tricks!"

Cheerilee smiled devilishly. "It's a bit too late for that, Filthy." To the stallion's confusion, she flipped head over hooves into the air and pinned him between the legs of her chair. She slipped her forelegs out of the rope and snatched the paintball gun from his hoof.

"Holy buck!" Filthy Rich screamed.

Holding up the rope that had bound her, Cheerilee said, "I happen to be into that sort of thing."

Filthy Rich calmed a bit and said, "Hmm. Kinky." A press of the gun against his head shut him up.

"Now, you're going to be a good boy and tell the teacher everything you know or it'll be detention for you... The bad kind."

"Alright! I'll talk! Just don't shoot. Mr. Mane wants everyone out of the game except for a few ponies in particular. These ponies are called the Class Alpha targets. Other ponies who aren't needed but are still too dangerous are classified as Class Two. Everyone else is a Class C. He didn't tell me what he wanted with the Alphas, but he wanted me to ensure all Twos on the list are taken out and that includes those three fillies."

"Your ridiculous classification aside, what am I?"

"You're an Alpha. That's why we didn't take you out. Of course, if you'd like me to take you out, I—" He let out a little cry of pain as Cheerilee pressed a tiny bit harder. "Or not."

"Who else are Alphas and Twos, then? And who else is in on this?"

"I'm just on Mr. Mane's orders. I don't think the mayor and Cakes are in on it, but I don't know who else might be! There's a list next to the nachos. Every pony who's an Alpha or Two target will be on there. At least so far as I know."

Ever cautious, Cheerilee eased off and approached the nacho table, where a little notebook labelled "The HOCK List" rested. Just as she reached the list, the slam of a door took away her attention and she witnessed the servant pony from before standing with a paintball gun trained on her.

"Put your gun down and step away from the nachos!" he shouted.

She looked from the packet of vital information at her left to the nachos at her right to the pony at her front. "You want me... to step away from the nachos?"

"Yes, you treacherous, tortilla-stealing she-devil!"

"You're kidding..."

The pony shook his weapon. "Does it look like I'm kidding!?"

Cheerilee shrugged and said, "Okay." She stepped to the right and moved to pick up the notebook.

"You idiot!" Filthy Rich screamed. "Don't let her get the HOCK list!"

"Oh, right," the servant to himself. "Step away from that too! Just put your gun down and come towards me!"

Cheerilee set the paintball gun down and slid it ahead of her. "Whatever you want, honey." She dove forward and spun to grab the gun once again. Sliding under the table in the center of the room, she shoved Filthy Rich out of the way and shot the servant twice as he fired wildly. "Just be careful what you wish for."

"This is insane!" Filthy Rich shouted as he stood and rubbed his injured backside. "I've got to get out of here!" He ran for the table and snatched up the HOCK list before diving out the window. Cheerilee got a few shots off, but none of them found their mark.

He'll be running for more guards, Cheerilee thought to herself. I've got to get that list, but I might as well leave now and warn the CMC while there's still a chance. I'll be coming back for you Filthy Rich. Count on it...

"Uh... Are you just gonna stand there?" the servant asked.

Cheerilee hadn't noticed, but her inner monologuing had left her open for a few moments. She quickly composed herself and ran for the back door.

"Hey, you're not gonna stay? I'm sorry about the whole 'she-devil' thing."

The door opened and slammed.

"...Call me!"


***


"See anything, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom inquired. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were hiding in a bush across from the bowling alley.

Scootaloo sat with two cups (each with a hole in the bottom) held over her eyes. Unable to see any further than normal, she answered, "Nothing."

Dusk was approaching and the building was abuzz with activity. Ponies were shoring up defences or gathering supplies and the occasional wanderer was picked off by snipers in towers. The CMC sat in silence watching the movements for over an hour before one of them coming to a stunning conclusion.

"This is boring!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed to the dismay of her companions. She gasped as they dove onto her and smothered her before she could let out another peep. "Imf ufree," she muttered beneath Scootaloo's rump.

"What was that?" Apple Bloom asked.

Scootaloo raised her behind off Sweetie Belle's face, allowing the filly to gasp for air before she grumbled, "I said 'I'm sorry'."

"Well, could you be sorry a little quieter?" Scootaloo requested.

"Could you not shove your flank in my face?"

"Girls," Apple Bloom said in a half-shout, half-whisper. "We're not gonna get anywhere if we fight and yell like this. We gotta stick together and complete the mission Cheerilee gave us. And we have to be sneaky about it."

"But how can we be sneaky if there's guards and lights all over the place?" Scootaloo asked.

"I don't know. But it's gettin' dark. Maybe we should turn in for the night and try to find a way in tomorrow."

"I am getting kind of sleepy," Sweetie Belle said with a yawn.

The Crusaders agreed to find shelter some distance away and sleep on a new plan to get into the bowling alley. They packed up their guns and ammo and looked for a suitable building close to the edge of town. After several minutes of wandering in the twilight, they happened across a peculiar sight next to some trees. Their interest piqued, they carefully moved closer to discover that it was a chariot. A royal chariot.

"Well, buck me into next Tuesday," Apple Bloom whispered. "That's one of Princess Celestia's chariots?"

Sweetie Belle's eyes widened in awe. "What's it doing here?"

The fillies were nearly at its wheel when a terrifed-looking royal guard burst from the seat and yelled, "Who are you!? What are you doing here!?"

"Calm down, mister guard, sir," Apple Bloom said with a gesture to calm down. "We don't wanna hurt you."

"Yeah, right. This whole town's gone nuts!"

"What're you talkin' about? Didn't you know there'd be a paintball game today?"

The guard leapt from his seat onto the grass. "No! I was just told to get the Element Wielders but they never arrived! Now it looks like all Tartarus has broken loose!"

"Relax," Scootaloo said comfortingly. "I'm sure it'll all be over tomorrow."

"Oh, sure, you say that now because you've never seen war! You've never seen bloodshed!"

Apple Bloom raised a hoof to her mouth in shock. "Oh, my gosh! Have you?"

The guard paused for a moment. "Well, no... But I imagine it'd look a lot like this!"

"Oh. Well, that's a relief, I guess. What time were Twi and the others supposed to arrive?"

"Four-o'clock. Four-o'clock on the dot. But the paint... Sweet merciful Celestia, the paint..." He dropped to the ground and devolved into a shuddering, blubbering wreck.

"That's awfully suspicious," Apple Bloom said, ignoring the sad guard. "The game didn't start until three-thirty. So maybe somepony forgot to warn the princess about it."

As Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle wondered for a few more moments, Scootaloo set herself in front of the chariot and formulated a plan of her own. After brief consideration, she announced, "Hey, girls! I got an idea!"

"What kind of idea?" Sweetie Belle asked as she and Apple Bloom stepped over the guard, who had curled up into the fetal position and began sucking his hoof.

"The awesome kind! What if we take over this chariot, dress it up like Princess Celestia's, and ride up to the bowling alley and demand they let us in!" Scootaloo slammed one hoof into the other for emphasis. "They can't possibly refuse an order from the princess!"

"That's a great idea!" Apple Bloom declared. "With me fixin' it up, Sweetie Belle singin' an introduction, and Scootaloo speedin' us along, we'd be in there in no time! Maybe we'll even get our cutie marks in disguisin' ourselves!"

The fillies cheered and leapt into the air for a high-hoof just as a paintball flew past them. They landed on the grass and watched as four ponies gathered to eliminate the trio. 

"You three sure make an awful lot of noise," the group's leader, a female Earth pony, sneered. "We'll just have to shut you up won't we?"

The fillies simultaneously muttered "uh-oh" before diving for separate directions. They grabbed their guns and sprayed paintballs in the hostile group's general direction as all combatants ran for cover. Sweetie Belle positioned herself behind a tree, Apple Bloom crouched behind the chariot, and Scootaloo (the unluckiest of the bunch) barely kept herself behind the still-shaking form of the guard. He remained unaware of the situation as several paintballs impacted against his skin and armor (all involved seemed to treat him more as scenery than a pony).

"I need help!" Scootaloo screamed, unable to move without risking a hit.

In response, the other two fillies nodded to each other and concentrated their fire on the ponies nearest to Scootaloo, giving her a chance to get to cover and catch her breath. The opposing group returned fire and prompted the fillies to remain out of harm's way. Apple Bloom, noticing the furthest pony wasn't being as concerned with cover, carefully lined up a shot and hit her target with a single shot. She barely got out of the way again before another volley of shots flew towards her.

"Look out!" Sweetie Belle screamed at Apple Bloom. The Earth pony filly looked to her friend and then the opposite direction. A foe had snuck along their right flank. Apple Bloom ducked and drew the pony's attention to the ground as the Sweetie Belle surprised him with an attack. He yelped as he fell back from the impact of her shots (or, rather, out of surprise from the impacts).

Two enemies remained and as their young opponents' attention was drawn away, they ran up the middle and let loose. To their dismay, Scootaloo had crept under the chariot and fired a wave of shots at their legs, eliminating them before they could get any closer.

"Dang it!" the group's leader screamed. "Beaten by a couple of no-good, lousy kids!"

The no-good, lousy kids in question left their cover and slowly approached the mare, whose group of stallions had been soundly defeated.

Sweetie Belle spoke first. "Hey! You can call us whatever you like."

Apple Bloom spoke second. "But there's somethin' you oughta know. Apart, we may not be the greatest, but together we're unstoppable. We're like queens!"

Scootaloo was the last to speak. "Yeah! And we three queens are getting the prize!"