//------------------------------// // Defender of the Lesser Ones/ The Last Laugh // Story: Equestrian Elseworlds: The Fiend, The Warrior and the Spellcaster // by Equestrian Ghost //------------------------------// Defender of the Lesser Ones/ The Last Laugh Spike's Journal October 4th, 2004 Today we're introducing ourselves to the class, and it's all happening in Professor Banner's Alchemy class. He's a cool person, given that we both are enthusiasts of the culinary arts. Now, as I holster my black-and-red gun Razel in my blazer's inner pocket, I put Yubel in my card case, and also prepare my Duel Disk in case a showdown happens. - Spike Solaris Alright, you may be wondering where the comedy kicks in. Well boys and girls, let me show you: "Alright, a guy's at his check-up, and the patient asks: 'how much do I have left?' The doctor says 'five', and the patient asks 'five what?' The doctor gets out a gun and says 'four, three, two, one...'" Yubel began laughing. "Where'd you get that joke from?" She asked, looking at me. "At a bar, the bartender told me the joke." "Alright, I got a joke for you: so Yugi and Kaiba were dueling, and then Yugi manages to use 'Lightforce Sword' on Obelisk the Tormentor, guess what Yugi says? He said, 'You should've ADOPTED another strategy, eh?'" I just lost it, imagining Yugi Muto say that, making fun of the big guy spurt just... I'm sure you know how things went down. "Ahahahaha! Damn Yubel, I didn't know you had the skills to tell good jokes!" "Been saving that one for quite a while. You better hurry up Spike, class begins in five minutes," she said, before vanishing. I kept on walking, reaching the classroom three minutes before 8:00 A.M. Class began, and we had to introduce ourselves: first the Obelisk boys, then the Obelisk girls, then the Ra students, and finally: the Slifers. Things were going well until a short blue-haired kid stood in front of us, and he spoke: "U-um hi, I a-am Syrus Truesdale, and I-" his mind drifted away as he lost his confidence, it was evident. As he struggled to say something, an Obelisk said: "Looks like you were a mistake, unlike your brother, Slifer Slacker!" This just broke Syrus, and he ran away crying. I felt the Draconian Rage rise, something that gave me strength, but limited my thinking and rationality. I managed to control myself, and I stepped up front, given that I was the last student that was going to step up front and talk a bit about myself. "Whoever said that, raise their damn hand," I said, my pupils showing clear signs of anger. "What are you going to do about it, slacker?" The same Obelisk asked, going down to face me. "Drill some respect into you," I said, removing my jacket, folding it neatly and putting it on my desk. "Dueling or fighting, I'll beat you!" "How about a clean fight? I'm sure the burn will be small, because the bigger burn is what I'll save for later." I know I got a bit cocky, but not enough to take it easy. I was prepared for whatever outcome would appear, as my opponent got into a fighting stance. I don't know why Banner wasn't present at the moment this was happening, I guess Sheppard needed him for something. "I was trained by the greatest boxing trainer in Japan, I'll beat you without breaking a sweat!" He exclaimed, running at me before I looked at the other students. "Alright, before I introduce myself, I'm going to lecture you all on martial arts," I said, blocking a punch. "Rule one, fighting must be done with the purpose of defense." "Nice block, it won't be enough," he said, delivering multiple punches. I managed to block them with one arm, given my agility. "Rule two, don't deliver the first blow, because the opponent will know how to counter and defeat you," I said, slapping him, which made a few students laugh. He stepped back and yelled, running at me ready to deliver me a jolt punch, one meant to... "Rule three, boxing doesn't count as a type of martial art, it's mostly for show. Also, it leaves your legs weak," I continued, delivering a sweep kick, which made him fall backwards. "And rule four, finish them off quickly," I said as he stood up. The next thing I did was deliver two punches to his stomach, grab his arms, deliver three kicks to his head, and finish it off with an uppercut. As he fell unconscious, the students looked at me, impressed that I won without taking any hits. "I'll be training Ninjutsu, Monday through Friday from 5:00 to 7:00 A.M, at the price of 10 dollars per week. You can deposit the money at the card shop in the account that's under my name, or just hand the money to me at the start of each week. The first class begins tomorrow. I also offer the service of a masseur or chiropractor, the first being to ease your muscles and the second to fix corporal issues like a bad leg, bad posture, etc." "Let's get to know you!" Alexis yelled, smiling. The girls nearby looked at her, and she looked at them, before looking at me. I smiled as my eyes made contact with hers. I then proceeded to put my jacket on, being careful that my gun didn't slide out of its pocket. "Alright, please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and class, despite the red jacket. I have no dueling antecedents besides the entry exam. I'm Spike Solaris, haven't gone to school, but the knowledge I carry is by experiences in life and free time in a library, about five years. I'm also good at cooking, not that fond of sports, and I have a sense of humor that I only bring out only when I want to liven things up a bit, or just to waste time. Any questions?" I asked. "How much per massage?" An Obelisk girl asked. "I've yet to determine the price, so I'll inform you by the end of this week. Anyone else?" "How did you get your deck? I heard it's a Red-Eyes deck," a Slifer asked. "When I arrived at Domino City, I was given this deck along with my current duel disk." "Why the snake eyes, slacker?" Another Obelisk asked. I walked up to him in a few seconds, and I smirked. "Looks like SOMEBODY didn't learn their lesson..." I said, smirking as I raised my fist, only to start laughing. "Well, to answer your question, it's a genetical issue of sorts, like Liz Taylor. Instead of purple eyes, my pupil is shaped like a reptile's instead of a human's," I answered, before winking at Alexis, causing her to blush. I seriously don't remember why I loved doing that, but I guess it was due to how fun it was. "Now, I will accept a final question," I added, before another Obelisk rose his hand, this one coming from a student of blue hair, and a serious look. "Putting aside the discrimination, why did you defend my brother?" Wait, that guy was his brother? Yeah, that guy was Zane Truesdale, the main man of the Obelisk dorm, let alone the Academy, and all of this was as I read his biography on my PDA. "Well, YOU who didn't defend him because he is not in your league and you're a terrible brother to be honest, shouldn't ask, but I'll answer anyways. I did it because I know that his problem is being shy, but he has potential. I will take it as my task to help increase his self-esteem and dueling skills. Then, I'll defeat each and single student on campus, leaving you for last, Truesdale. Although, I'll skip the ladies, they look like nice people," I said, smiling at Rhodes before taking a seat. Now, you might think it as a suicide mission, but my progress throughout the week was defeating the Slifer students, and I did it well (about five or six per day, and it was tiring. However, I managed to get through). As for Zane and Alexis, it was Thursday in the evening, and they were talking to each other at the lighthouse, for I saw them from a distance. "I guess he's serious about it, I've seen Syrus train with him at 6:00 in the morning, and in the afternoon, Spike would duel one Slifer at a time, defeating them as if he were experienced," Zane said. "To hardly have any experience, he's good at Duel Monsters," Alexis answered. "Still, to see him train Syrus in martial arts and dueling, it's not usual of your brother." "I guess so, the arrival of that Slifer made things interesting, and I bet he's going to start taking down the Ra students. Once he's done with them, he'll begin with the Obelisks, and then me, if he can do so." "I wouldn't underestimate him if I were you, it only took him four days to defeat all the other Slifers on this island." "I am not, I am merely curious on how he will succeed." "Ra students would check their skills, and the average Obelisk student would duel to make fun of him. Think about it: who wouldn't want to challenge a person new to the game?" "I assume anyone who can face this inexperienced Slifer that is here due to the scholarship." "A point I wouldn't be saying if I were you," I said, serious as I walked up to them. "Spike, what are you doing here?" Alexis asked. "I just went out for a walk, good to ease the mind. However, I saw you two here, so I came over to see what you were up to." "You shouldn't talk big if you can't go just as big, Spike," Zane said. "Well, I'm going at a good pace, the challenge is to prove that anyone can become an Obelisk with the proper effort. If I manage to defeat most of the Obelisks, it'll prove that I can go from red to blue. If I defeat you, it'll prove that I have fulfilled my objective, reaching the top rank within the top category." "We'll see about that," he said, walking away. "While you're at it, try being nicer to your brother, he's lucky he has a brother, but unlucky that you're not a good one!" I yelled, before looking at Alexis. "You're asking for trouble when it comes to Zane, Spike," Alexis said, looking into my eyes. I looked away, in order to not lose myself in her eyes. "That's why I'm going up the ladder, to improve my skills and be ready for him. Also, it'll be fun," I answered, smiling softly, only to see her shiver a bit. I gave her my jacket, and despite the fact that she didn't want to, I insisted on her using it, for I could endure the cold to a degree. "Where did you learn your manners?" "Eh, a book here and there, watching my adoptive sister go with her friends while I did chores, and that's pretty much it," I answered, looking at her as I walked alongside her to her dorm. "That doesn't sound fun." "It wasn't, trust me. However, I'd read in my free time when I wasn't practicing Ninjutsu, or cooking. As for the masseur part, I took it as a part-time job, until I was forced to quit." "I guess your free time was what made up for the chores." "Yeah, and well you look at that? We're here," I stated, pointing to the dorm. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Spike." "Yeah, I'll see you in the classroom," I said, before we looked into each others' eyes. We looked away quickly, as if we were two not wanting to admit our feelings due to shyness and fear of failure. I saw her walk in, and then I went to my dorm, smiling as I had another friend, this one being an Obelisk girl. However, my business would begin tomorrow, along with a duel. ----- The Dreamscape Pinkie Pie was frightened: trying to laugh off the current situation was difficult, given that her friends were chained to the wall, several frightening machines in the room: Slot Machines, Pendulum Machines, etc. And then, a bipedal figure walked in: a purple suit, a matching tie and a green undershirt were his attire, and he had a white face with a big, red smile. "Hello Pinkie Pie, welcome to my playhouse," he said, the smile being a creepy one, one she feared. "Spike, is that you?" "It was, but then ponies started calling me, Joker..." He said, before an odd tune began, then a machine put her in chains, and then, Spike began singing: Well, well, well, what have we here? Pinkie Pie, huh? Oh, I'm really scared So you're the one everypony's talkin' about, ha, ha, ha, ha You're jokin', you're jokin' I can't believe my eyes You're jokin' me, you gotta be, This can't be the right guy She's hyper, a pranker I don't know which is worse, I might just lose some scales If I don't die laughing first. When Pinkie Pie says That a party's coming up, Everypony rushes to the Corner To try to make the Pie shut up. He said, before triggering a machine to deliver multiple shots at Applejack, and he laughed before he continued singing. And if you are not laughing Then you'll soon be the next one choked, 'Cause this may be the last time now you hear the song of the Killing Joke, ooh, Three Skeletons Ohhh Spike Ohhh Several dead dragons Ohhh Spike Ohhh Slot Machine Oh, he's the fucking Killing Joke! Spike If the crowd is mellow And if they are all too sad, Some acid from my flower Brings some smiles close at hand. Then, Spike went over to Fluttershy, squirting the acid flower from his suit pocket onto Fluttershy's face, seeing her face burn away. And don't ya know the one thing That would make it work so nice? A pinch of laughter to make my life a lot more nice. Three Skeletons Ohhh Spike Ohhh Several dead dragons Ohhh Spike Ohhh Slot Machine Oh, he's the fucking Killing Joke! Pinkie sang, trying to make Spike understand. Release me now Or you must face your actions' consequences, I don't remember you as a meany pants So please, come to your senses. Spike Ha! You're jokin', you're jokin' I can't believe my ears The baker prayin' for mercy? I'm drownin' in my tears The flour, the mix It's really full of tricks, So let's let Rarity give it a taste So it won't go to waste. Spike then grabbed a pie, throwing it at Rarity's face, only to see her begin laughing uncontrollably. Pinkie, then asked: "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to show you my finest slapstick comedy," he answered, hearing the trumpets and the piano play, only for him to continue singing. Oh, the sounds of victims screaming To me is music in the air 'Cause I'm a killin' laughing man Who of ethics doesn't care. It's much more fun, I must confess When I don't play alone With Gilda, Scoots or Cheerilee Someone dancing to this tone. As he finished singing this part, he motioned a robot to use it's saw arm, successfully cutting Rainbow Dash in half. "Please let me go and I can help you make some friends and things will go back to the way they were." However, Spike began to sing his last two verses. Oh, brother, you're something You put me in a spin You aren't comprehending The position that you're in It's hopeless, you're finished I'm the one laughing, not you, With this, he pulled a lever, which opened a door that was beneath Twilight, incinerating her as Pinkie watched Spike finish his song. 'Cause I'm The Killing Joke And the one crying is, you... Pinkie woke up in the castle, checking if her friends were alright. As she reached a window, she saw the pillar, and as any other pony would, she went to it.