I woke up to the sounds of bouncing... and Pinkie's voice.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!"
This continued on, while I desperately tried to fall back into my dreams, which were wonderful thank you very much.
Music was playing in the background while I sat on a cloud.
"Pink fluffy unicorns, dancing on rainbows!"
Isn't life grand?
Not like you would have much better dreams.
"Hey! Listen! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey!"
Is she still at it? I swear that Pinkie knows every reference out there.
"Hey! Hey! Listen! He-"
"NAVI IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP SOON I'M GONNA STAB A BITCH!" I yelled, recalling all the times during a dungeon I'd had Navi piss me off.
"...Hey!"
"THAT'S IT!" I shouted, too tired to use the RCV, before standing up and making the master sword appear in my right hand. Why specify? Well, Link is left handed and I don't want to completely rip off Nintendo.
I slammed the master sword into the ground next to Pinkie, making her instantly stop.
"Let me guess," I started, "You want me to do something for you that involves pranking someone?"
Pinkie nodded so fast that to me it looked like her head was in 20 different places at once. Brain, be nice if you could wake up.
"Okay, let me get woken up and something in me and then I'll go on this pranking spree of yours." I said, moving to the kitchen.
"But it's 11:00 in the morning! There's no time and Dashie's waiting outside for us!" Pinkie protested.
I looked at my left wrist, wow I really feel like pointing out what hands I'm using, and told Pinkie what I saw. "Hmm, looks like it's hair past freckle. Not 11:00 am." I continued my walk to the kitchen.
"Besides, it's never too late to have toast wrapped in bacon strips."
After I made myself some breakfast, I walked outside with Pinkie to see Rainbow sleeping on a cloud.
"Look what you did! You made Rainbow Dash fall asleep!" Pinkie said with a giggle.
"Meh, not my fault she usually sleeps all day." I said. I grabbed a rock from the path and line up a shot.
"What are you doing?" Pinkie asked.
"This." I said as I threw the rock at Rainbow.
Immediately after Rainbow got hit, she was up and looking around like a Hydra would for a pony. Somehow, she was growling like a wolf too.
"Act natural" I quickly whispered to Pinkie and summoned up a chair for me to sit on with some aviator sunglasses. Pinkie just sat on the ground next to me.
"Alright, who did that?! Show yourself!" Rainbow demanded, still somehow growling.
"Dey went dat way." I said whilst pointing to the right. Rainbow nodded and zoomed away.
I continue the pose until I knew that Rainbow was out of hearing distance. Ponies have super strong hearing it's ridiculous.
I watched Celestia eating a large cheesecake. I bent down next to the chef who was waiting for her comment.
"Next time don't make it so big. Or maybe cut down on the amount of cake you make." I whispered at hearing level only meant for him.
The chef gave a slight nod to indicate he heard me.
"Andrew! Stop saying such ridiculous things! This cake is perfect! Next time it shall have to be bigger! Also, our cake stocks must be replenished!" Celestia said, bordering on the Royal Canterlot Voice.
"Now look at what you've done." I said jokingly to the chef.
I started snickering, and I could hear Pinkie next to me struggling to hold her breath in before we started laughing loud enough for Rainbow to hear and come flying back.
"It was you, wasn't it?!" She demanded. Her glare was enough to send a Timberwolf running.
Good thing I'm not a Timberwolf.
"Maaaaybe." I replied.
"I know it was you!" Rainbow continued.
"Do you have any proof?" I asked with a cheeky grin.
"Well, uh, y'see... Maybe?" Rainbow stuttered.
"Hey! 'Maybe' is my word! Anyway, if you don't have any proof that I did it then bad luck. That means I didn't do it." I said calmly
"It was Andrew." Pinkie said.
I whipped my head around so fast to face Pinkie that I'm amazed I didn't get whiplash. "You traitor!" I shouted. "I will get you for that!"
"By helping us prank everypony in Ponyville?" Pinkie asked innocently.
My anger stopped and was replaced with child-like glee. "Oh. Right. There's that. Let's got do some pranking!" I declared.
I started marching away like a soldier before I was hit in the back of the head with a pebble. When I whipped my head back around, nearly giving myself whiplash again, I saw Rainbow tossing a pebble with a smirk.
"Revenge."
So far, everyone in Ponyville had been pranked except for the Mane 6 and Spike. Some of the things we did was hilarious and some were total flops.
My favourite was when I made a ring of pears appear around Time Turner. He freaked the fuck out. He was screaming like someone had just committed mass murder in front of him. Seriously, when he had his little freak out session, he started screaming; "NO! NOT THE PEARS! NOT THE PEEEEEAAAAARS!" Before jumping over them and running off.
Seriously, he could've just done that from the start and not interrupt everything going on within a 10 kilometre radius.
The worst was when we put out a fake muffin for Derpy. She saw it from the air and then landed in front of it. She poked it with her muzzle before giving it a long sniff that lasted for something like 10 seconds. Do you know what she did next? She just fucking are it! That shit was made out of rubber, and she just goes and eats it before going on with her day! While Rainbow and Pinkie were staring at where the muffin used to be, I was behind them ranting and swearing up a storm. I was lucky there weren't any children around us, or they would've learned enough words to make a sailor blush.
Anyway, we were outside the post office where Spike was currently picking up some blank scrolls for Twilight.
"So where's the cloud we're using on Spike?" I asked, gaining a look of confusion from Rainbow.
"Why would we need a clou-"
"Right here!" Pinkie cut in whilst dragging a cloud out from behind her.
"Huh, guess that works." I muttered.
"Okay, we're going to need that cloud placed above the door." Pinkie instructed Rainbow. Rainbow saluted before flying up and moving the cloud.
"Hmm... bring it back towards me slowly and stop when I say 'stop'." Pinkie said. Rainbow slowly pushed it towards Pinkie.
"More... more... more... more... STOP!" At the word stop, Rainbow stood as still as a statue. Well, floated would be more accurate.
Pinkie examined the cloud from all angles before nodding. "Now we need it a little to the right." Rainbow moved it to the right.
"Now a little to the left." Rainbow quickly flew over the cloud and started pushing it the other way. "Wait, back to the right." This time she pulled it, but I could see Rainbow getting annoyed with Pinkie.
"Now a little leftish while staying rightly." Pinkie said.
"How do you do that? It's pretty much impossible!" I said.
"Hey, you can do the impossible!" Pinkie retorted.
"That's because I'm special." I said. "I know that you're special too, just not like I am." I added before Pinkie could say something else.
"Okie dokie!" Pinkie said. She returned her attention to Rainbow Dash.
"Do I go now?" Rainbow asked.
"Yep!" Rainbow slowly pushed the cloud to the left before Pinkie yelled out "STOP!". Pinkie narrowed her eyes in concentration before saying;
"Maybe a few inches to the south!"
"South is a direction!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air. "You can't translate 'south', into 'down'!"
"You! Sush!" Pinkie said before returning her attention to the waiting Rainbow. "Now a few inches north."
"You know what? I give up trying to explain logic to ponies!" I said.
Rainbow dragged the cloud up back to its original starting position. "Okaaay, one more smidgemetre to the-"
"PINKIE PIE!" Rainbow shouted, clearly just as pissed off as me.
"Uh, I mean, perfect!" Pinkie quickly said. "Now, wait for my signal." She said before ducking behind the corner of the building. I sighed before jumping up next to Rainbow and sat on the air.
"How are you doing that?" She asked.
"Compressing air molecules. Egghead stuff, as you so eloquently put it, that you wouldn't really care for the specifics." I responded. Rainbow opened her mouth to protest, but promptly closed it.
We watched as Spike exited through the door with a pile of scrolls in his hand. He was humming the MLP theme, which I found out is used as a lullaby. The tune, not the words.
Pinkie smiled and pointed her hoof at us, giving us the 'signal'. Rainbow rolled her eyes before bucking the cloud. Not like that, you pervs! She just kicked it.
Spike yelled out in fright as he threw all of the scrolls in the air before starting to hiccup. Pinkie started laughing, which set Rainbow off as well. "Yes! Mission accomplished!" Pinkie said as Rainbow and I floted down.
"Ha ha! Good one, Pinkie Pie! Always pulling a fast one on me." Spike said before bending over to pick up the scrolls. He hiccuped, causing a small flame to come out of his mouth and set the scroll on fire, sending it to Celestia.
"Nyegh!"
"What's wrong Spike? Are you alright?" Pinkie asked.
"Nah, I'm fine." Spike said, waving a claw.
"Oh, ok." Pinkie said before she and Rainbow both started laughing.
Spike was running around, picking up all the scrolls but was sending them all away whenever he picked one up. I tried grabbing a couple and giving them to him.
"Heh, thanks Andrew." Spike said. Unfortunately, he managed to hiccup again, sending another flame on the scrolls I was holding, causing me to be sent off with them.
"Damnit Spike!" I yelled before disappearing.
I reappeared in Celestia's study, where the floor was littered with scrolls. There was a large pile of them, which soon shifted, revealing Celestia.
"Hello Celly. Ya miss me much?" I asked with a smile.
"Andrew, did you cause this?" Celestia asked.
"For once, this wasn't me. This was Pinkie Pie's idea." I said.
"Hmm..." Celestia rubbed her chin with a hoof. "Seems like I'll have to invite her to the castle for a prank war."
I blanched at that. Last time Celestia had a prank war, nearly everything stopped working the way it was supposed to. "Well, uh, maybe you could... put it off until Luna is able to run the kingdom again?" I asked. I discovered long ago that once Trollestia has set in, nothing can stop it.
"Oh, I suppose." Celestia conceded after a bit. I let out an internal sigh of relief.
"Well, I need to get back to Ponyville. Those two still have some more pranking to do and I don't want to miss it."
"Goodbye Andrew." Celestia said before giving me a peck on the cheek.
I smiled before snapping my fingers and reappearing at Sweet Apple Acres. I had the privilege of watching them all paint all the apples separately. I sighed before snapping my fingers, painting all the apples in different colours and in different patterns.
Rainbow and Pinkie turned around and saw me. They smiled and waved me over.
"Do you know how upset Applejack will be when she sees this?" I asked when I got to them.
"Don't you worry! Your Aunt Pinkie has it all under control." Pinkie said, patting me on the head. Even though I was at least 3 feet taller.
"First of all, never do that again. Second of all, I'm a lot older than you. Third of all, there is not third. Fourth, apples are Applejack's pride and joy." I said.
"It's all in good fun!" Pinkie insisted.
"MY APPLES!" I heard Applejack's distinctly southern accent say.
"Book it!" I said before running off.
"You get back here!" Applejack yelled, chasing us.
"Put them in water!" I said before putting on another burst of speed, effectively outpacing everyone.
When I stopped running I was at the outskirts of Ponyville. Soon enough, Pinkie and Rainbow pulled up next to me.
"That was close." They both said.
"Okay, so what's the lesson to be learned here?" I asked them.
"We need to come up with a new prank for Applejack." They said instantly. At the same time too! Seemed like they had rehearsed that shit.
"No! It's to never touch Applejack's apples! Ever!" Or I guess you could call them her appuls. Meh.
Our last victim of the day was Fluttershy. We found her feeding the fish at the river just out of town, so we set up a fake turtle to squirt water at her. However, Pinkie didn't know who it was.
"Who're we gonna squirt? Who're we gonna squirt?" She asked, hopping from hoof to hoof. We were set up behind some bushes on the opposite bank of the river.
"Heh heh, Fluttershy." Rainbow said.
Pinkie gasped and dropped the squirter in her mouth. "No no no no! We can't prank Fluttershy! She's so sensitive, it'll hurt her feelings!" While she was talking to Rainbow, I crept behind her and picked up the trigger.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Rainbow said. I laughed, catching their attention.
"Too bad." I said with an evil grin. They both gasped and quickly looked over to see the water travelling through the thin tube. When it got to the end, water sprayed out at Fluttershy. She fell back onto her flank and tears started forming in her eyes.
"Oh no. This is bad." The two ponies said.
Fluttershy started sobbing before stopping abruptly. She slowly turned to look straight into Rainbow Dash and Pinkie's eyes with the most hateful expression I've ever seen. She flew over to them at speeds that would make Rainbow jealous and stopped right in front of them.
"How could you?!" She yelled in a rage filled voice. "How could you do that?!"
"I-I-It was A-A-Andrew! N-Not us!" Rainbow said, pointing a shaky hoof at me. However, I had made myself invisible and muted myself so I wouldn't make any noise.
Specifically the noise of my laughter because of the fear-filled expressions I had the pleasure of looking at.
"Don't try to blame it on him! Andrew would never do such a thing!" Fluttershy continued. Pinkie and Rainbow looked legitimately scared for their lives at this point, so I quickly stepped in.
"Okay Fluttershy, you've had your fun." I said. Fluttershy's mood took on a full 180 and she instantly calmed down.
"Okay Andrew, and thanks for getting me to do that. It was quite fun." Fluttershy said in a soft voice before flying away.
I turned back to the two ponies with me. Their expressions were enough to make me start laughing again. This also served as the way to snap them out of whatever trance they were in.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Rainbow exclaimed.
"I'VE NEVER SEEN FLUTTERSHY THAT MAD BEFORE!" Pinkie added.
"That was my little prank to you." I said, causing them to whirl to me.
"LITTLE?!"
"I could do almost anything to you two. Consider this as a small thing." I countered. The two of them shivered at the mental image I just gave them.
"Anyway, I'm beat. I'm gonna head home now." I said to the two of them. The sun was just starting to set below the horizon at this point.
"Yeah, all this pranking has got me pooped." Rainbow agreed.
"Oh, are you sure you two can't prank anymore?" Pinkie asked.
"I'm sure, Pinkie. Besides, maybe tomorrow you two can do some more pranking." I said.
"That. Would. Be. AWESOME!" Pinkie shrieked before racing off. "See you guys tomorrow!" She called over her shoulder.
I waved to her until she was out of sight before turning to Rainbow. "Okay, I know that tomorrow Gilda is coming. I want to tell you some things. One, tell her 'Andrew said hi.' if I haven't already seen her. You'll know if I have. Second, make sure you get both sides, not just one of them."
I pivoted on my heel towards Ponyville before starting my walk back home.
"How did you know about Gilda?" Rainbow asked. "And what do you mean 'get both sides'?"
"I know many things, remember? And reasons."
"Fine." We continued walking in silence until we reached town.
"Welp, see you tomorrow Rainbow." I said.
"Yeah, see you Andrew." Rainbow replied with a yawn.
I started walking away before deciding 'fuck it' and teleported back home with a snap of my fingers. "Ah... home sweet home." I said before diving onto my bed and changing into pyjamas in mid-air.
Now, one would think that you wouldn't want to wake up a griffon. Well, I'm not like most people and I tend to do things the most annoying way possible. How I did it the most annoying way possible? Easy, I was Gilda's alarm.
I woke up early and quickly ate a bacon and egg roll for breakfast before dressing and teleporting to Rainbow's house. I walked through the cloud mansion, it was that big, util I found the room where Gilda was sleeping. I tip-toed into the room and stood by Gilda's head. When my watch turned 6:00am, I yelled as loud as I could. Which means the Royal Canterlot Voice
"UP AND AT 'EM, IT'S MOOOORNING!!!!!!!"
Needless to say I was quite effective.
"Gah!" Gilda shouted, jumping out of bed and attaching herself to the roof like a scared cat.
"Ooooh! I didn't know griffons can do that. Welp, let's add it to the book." I snapped my fingers, summoning a notepad before writing it down and making it disappear. Sue me for not knowing everything there is to know about everything in Equestria. Some things you've just gotta see for yourself.
"What the-?! Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" Gilda demanded, landing back on the floor on all fours. Even though she didn't use her wings and she was upside-down she still managed to do it.
"Ok, first of all I'm that badass guy that lives on the ground. Second, this isn't your house." I replied, crossing my arms and leaning against a cloud wall.
"Well then 'badass guy that lives on the ground', if you live on the ground then how are you standing on clouds?" Gilda asked, thinking she had found a loophole in my story. All of it was true. I am badass and I do live on the ground. More for convenience than anything else.
"Hmm, y'see there's something in this world called magic. It's where you take a bit of physics, bend it over backwards, and shove it up its own ass." I said, and I would say that's a pretty good summary of magic.
"And how do you know this isn't my house?" Gilda asked, still trying to prove me wrong. I sighed and snapped my fingers, making Rainbow appear in the air before dropping on the floor. Which somehow woke her up instead of my obnoxiously loud voice.
"Andrew! What the hay was that for?!" She yelled. I put my hands up in surrender.
"Gilda here wanted proof that I knew this isn't her house. So, in a marvellous stroke of genius, I thought 'What better way to prove that I'm right by getting the owner of said house in here'. And that brings us to now." I said.
"So Dash, who's this dweeb?" Gilda asked Rainbow, trying to ignore me now.
"Y'know, you could just ask me instead of going to her." I said. And I got ignored again.
"I'm pretty sure he's introduced himself," Rainbow gave a look at me and I nodded, "Well, I'll give you the short version. His name's Andrew and he is a human. The reason he can walk on clouds is because he has magic. End of story." I held up a sign behind her saying 'It's true'.
"And how does he know my name." Gilda asked, still suspicious of me.
"No one actually knows. His knowledge of things just goes unexplained." I said in a voice like David Attenborough. Rainbow face hoofed at my response while Gilda just looked at me like I was crazy.
"Yeah, expect that to happen. A lot." Rainbow said.
"Welp, I'm gonna go find Pinkie. See you two later." I said before diving through the floor. I heard one last thing from them.
"Should we go help?"
"Nah."
Traitors. Leaving me to die. I reached the ground, landing upright on my legs before walking off to search for Pinkie. Luckily, she was heading my way wearing a gag arrow hat thingy, one of those disguise glasses with fake moustaches and was blowing one of those party blower thingies. Don't judge me, I haven't seen them in forever.
"Hey Pinkie, whaddya doing?" I asked.
"Going to see Rainbow Dash for some more pranking." She said, hardly able to keep still.
"Well, she might be unavailable this morning, she has a griffon friend with her and I think they want to do some flying. So be prepared if she doesn't do anything with you, okay?" I said, knowing Pinkie could take something the wrong way very easily.
"Okie dokie lokie!" She responded, bouncing her way towards Rainbow's cloud home.
"At least I tried to warn her." I said to myself before walking back home.
When I came back outside, it was to see two dots in the sky next to what looked like a gyrocopter in the sky. Good, looks like I'm not too late. I quickly made my way over, watching as one of the dots flew away with a rainbow trail. The other one stayed behind, but I now knew it was Gilda. I quickened my pace, hoping to make it before Pinkie would crash.
I know I could've teleported, but that's just cheating. In a fight though, well, hopefully that doesn't happen. The gyrocopter started falling at an alarming pace, so I went full speed and jumped up, catching the falling machine with it's passenger still in it. When I landed, Pinkie got out and instantly hugged me.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Pinkie chanted as she held onto me like I was her lifeline. I awkwardly patted her on the back.
"No problem, just be a bit more careful next time you go flying in one of these. They can be kinda shitty at times." Looking at you Far Cry 4.
"But it wasn't the gyrocopter, it was Gilda!" Pinkie protested. Okay, normally I wouldn't question the fact that she knew things she shouldn't, but being able to make and properly name a gyrocopter is kinda scary.
"A couple of things. One, how did you know the way to make and successfully make a gyrocopter and two, I know it was Gilda's fault for nearly killing you." I said. I don't think Pinkie heard the last part though. I swear sometimes there's a censor for words that everyone should know like 'kill'.
"Oh that's easy! It just came to me one day!" She replied, back to her cheerful and physics-breaking self.
"Well, I'm gonna get some food in town, want to join me?" I asked.
"Sure!" I don't think Pinkie can miss the opportunity for free food. The two of us walked into town together, talking about random things that we could do to break physics. Ponies we passed just looked at us like we were insane, which we probably slightly are.
We made it to the cafe and the waiter brought us out some water. Pinkie decided to just get a drink, a strawberry milkshake, and I just went with some vegetarian pasta. When our food came out, we both started eating/drinking in silence. Until it was broken by the sound of laughter above us.
"That was sweet!" I heard Gilda say. I looked up and saw Rainbow and Gilda flying around.
"Ugh, I gotta take care of a few weather jobs around here, shouldn't be too long. Why don't you take a look around town?" Rainbow said.
"Sure, I'm gonna get something to eat." Gilda replied.
"Cool, see you later!" Rainbow said before taking off. At first I thought Rainbow just wanted to see how Gilda would cope in a town like Ponyville, but I did see quite a lot of clouds around.
I watched as Gilda looked around for any stalls before smirking and creeping behind a fruit and veg stall. Granny Smith was walking over to the same stall, but started sniffing when Gilda poked her tail through. Granny Smith opened her eyes and screamed.
"Ahhh! A rattler! A rattler! Run for the hills! Everypony save yourselves!" Granny then started walking away at the pace of a turtle. Or a very specific tortoise that will eventually come up.
Gilda came up from behind the stall and was about to start laughing until the stall owner saw her. She quickly pet a tomato a couple of times before walking off saying; "This stuff ain't fresh, dude."
Pinkie started talking to herself. "Aw, poor Granny Smith. She didn't know it was just a joke, how mean." She then looked like she was in thought, "No no, it was kinda funny."
I spoke up. "Pinkie, that was a bit on the dickish side."
"What does 'dickish' mean?" Pinke asked.
"It basically means it was bad. For example, if someone were to trip another, that would be a dick move. Get what I'm saying?" I told her.
"Ehh, sorta." She said, waving a hoof in the air like you would with a hand if you were unsure.
Gilda started walking past another stall selling more fruit and veg. As Gilda walked past, she used her tail to grab an apple and start eating it.
"*GASP!* She's not just a meany-mean-pants, she's also a thief!" Pinkie declared, banging a hoof on the table. "Wait, she might give it back, it's just a joke." This girl needs to get her brain checked.
"Pinkie, you can't return an eaten apple. It wouldn't even be formed and no one would buy it. And no way was that a joke!" I stated. We both shut our mouths as we saw Fluttershy leading a family of ducks. Unfortunately for her, she was going to hit Gilda.
"Alright little ones. This way, this way." Fluttershy said in her soft voice. Now, I could either stop this from happening, let it happen or confront Gilda before she can roar at Fluttershy. Hmm, which one?
I got my question answered for me.
"Hey! I'm walking here!" Gilda shouted, drawing the attention of some of the bystanders.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Fluttershy mumbled.
"'I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Gilda mocked, "Why don't you just watch where you're going, doofus?!" The ducks started flying away as Gilda pushed Fluttershy back.
Fluttershy started stuttering and I knew what was coming up. I teleported in front of Gilda just as she was inhaling and I put a ward around Fluttershy to mute the sound so it wouldn't scare her.
*ROAR!*
Gilda let loose her roar right in my face. When she finished, I stood there with an unimpressed frown on my face.
"Hello Gilda, fancy meting you here." I said. I think Gilda was shocked that I was standing there so suddenly. "Now, I was just walking through town when I saw you pushing around my dear friend Fluttershy. Now, I thought that maybe it had all been an understanding, but when I went to ask you what's wrong, I get a roar for my efforts."
A small smirk tugged at my lips, "Oh, and I wouldn't want to get in a fight with Fluttershy either. She's a very dear friend to Rainbow. Pretty much at the point where she will hunt down whoever hurt her and kill them very slowly and very painfully." I could see the panic start to creep into her demeanour.
"Well," I clapped my hands, "I'd best be off. Wouldn't want to be late for what's happening this afternoon." With that I walked back to Pinkie and finished off my pasta in silence. When I finished, I stood up, put the money for the meal on the table and walked away.
"Don't worry about me, Pinkie." I said, catching her attention. "I'll be at your party." With that I opened up the ground beneath me and made a tunnel back to my house.
I appeared back in my room and snapped my fingers. "Now lets see why everyone keeps talking about you." I said, staring at the cover for Call of Duty Black Ops III.
"Eh, I still prefer Black Ops II." I said to myself as I walked towards Sugarcube Corner, the place where Gilda was having her party. I arrived to see a cake being rolled out from the kitchen.
"Cake time everypony!" Pinkie announced. Everyone in the room but Gilda crowded around the cake to see it.
"What flavour?" I asked, announcing my presence.
"Cake flavour!" Pinkie said dramatically. I swear she's a robot with all the information on everything she has stored in there. Maybe that's what allows her to make predictions with her 'Pinkie Sense'. Pinkie finally looked to the owner of the voice, me, and gasped.
"Andrew! You're here!" She yelled.
"Yeah, got a bit caught up in Black Ops." I said, rubbing the back of my head.
"SERIOUSLY!? THAT'S BULLSHIT! YOU CAN'T JUST TURN AROUND INSTANTLY AND GET A HEADSHOT! THAT'S JUST COMPLETELY FUCKED UP!"
"THIS IS THE MOST SHITTY GAME WITH ITS SHITTY LITTLE CLASSES! I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD, BUT NOPE! IT HAD TO HAVE PEOPLE ALREADY HACKING AND RUINING MY DAY!"
Hey, just because I'm beast at Black Ops II doesn't mean I'm going to be beast at Black Ops III. They just added too much shit. It might grow on me, but I think I'll stick with BO II.
"Well you're here now! And just in time for cake!" Pinkie said cheerfully.
"That's cool. I'l just wait until everyone else has had a piece." Never let it be said that I am not a gentleman.
"Can I blow out the candles?" Spike asked.
"Why don't we let Gilda? She is the guest of honour after all." Twilight told him.
"Yeah," Gilda slid over and bumped Spike out the way. "So move it." She took a deep breath and quickly let it out, blowing out the candles. Gilda smirked at the ponies until the candles relit themselves. Gilda continuously blew out the candles and they kept relighting themselves until she eventually started panting from lack of breath.
Everyone in the room started laughing, much to her obvious annoyance. "Relighting birthday candles, I love that prank!" Spike said through his laughter.
"Now I wonder who could've done that?" Pinkie said looking around the room until her eyes landed on me.
"Hey," I put my hands up, "I only just got here. Don't blame me!" I protested, making everyone laugh even more.
Spike started drilling into the cake like a mole. "Mmm, who cares? This cake is good!" He said, popping out the top.
"Spike!" Twilight scolded, only to get ignored.
"What? It's great! Try some!" Spike pressed. I could see Gilda grinding her teeth, even with a beak. Don't know how that do that, but whatever! I do the impossible all the time.
"Hey G, you're not upset over some pranks, right?" Rainbow asked.
"What? No way! Like I said, I'm always down for a good prank!" Gilda said with a forced smile.
"Then let's get some cake!" Rainbow said, galloping to the line of ponies for cake. I walked up behind Gilda as she grabbed Pinkie and pulled her behind the cake.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." I said in a sing-songy voice, causing Gilda to let go of Pinkie.
"Yeah, whatever." She mumbled before walking off. I used my magic to grab a piece of cake. When we had all finished, Applejack spoke up.
"Hey y'all! It's pin the tail on the pony! Let's play!" She said, drawing everyone's attention.
"Oh my favourite game! Can I go first? Can I have the purple tail?" Rarity asked. Seeing there were no objections, she went to pick up the purple tail, even though there was only one tail, but Gidla rushed in and picked it up in a talon.
"Well I'm the guest of honour, so I'll have the purple tail." Gilda said, walking over to the poster with the pony on it.
"Yeah, Gilda should totally go first." Pinkie agreed. "Let's get you blindfolded."
"Huh?" Was all Gilda had time to say before she was blindfolded and spun around.
"We're spinning you around and around and then you pin the tail on the pony!" Pinkie explained. Gilda finally stopped spinning and Pinkie led her to the poster. "Now just walk straight ahead and pin the tail!"
"'Now just walk straight ahead and pin the tail'." Gilda mocked, "Pfft, yeah right, this is just another one of your silly little pranks, isn't it? Well I'm not falling for it." Gilda turned around, walking away from the poster.
"But wait! The poster is this way!" Gilda stepped on a bit of icing and started sliding.
"Aaaaaaaahh!" Gilda crashed into a wall, making the blindfold fall off and for the tail to end up on her beak. What made me laugh was how she looked like she had a moustache.
"Uh, Gilda? You pinned the tail on the wrong end." Pinkie pointed out, causing everyone to start laughing.
Gilda started fuming before she roared, shutting everyone up. "This is your idea of fun?! I've never met a lamer bunch of dweebs in all my life! And Pinkie Pie. You! You are Queen Lamo with your weak little party pranks! Did you really think you could make me lose my cool?! Well, I'll show you what happens to those who make a fool out of me!"
Gilda drew back a talon, ready to slice into Pinkie, but I stepped in front of her and took the blow.
"Andrew!" Everyone around me shouted.
"And you! The monkey of this town!" Gilda turned her rant onto me. "You were always running behind me, making sure I didn't do anything bad. Now? I'm gonna tear you apart!" Gilda shrieked. She brought down both her talons on my head, but they didn't penetrate the skin.
"What the?!" Was all she had time to say before I shot forward and tackled her outside. I saw the Mane 6 follow me, but I paid them no attention. I stood before Gilda, hoping to make her back down, but she got up anyway.
"I'm going to rip you apart and shower this town in blood!" Gilda shouted at me. I stood there calmly before summoning a blue hoodie.
"Do you wanna have a bad time?" I asked. It was much softer than Gilda's yelling.
"I think it's you who's going to have a 'bad time'!" Gilda shouted as she flew straight at me. I took a hand out of the hoodie pocket and pushed down in the air. That got the effect that I wanted, making Gilda crash to the ground and stopping her from moving.
"What did you do?!" She demanded.
"Well, I just took control of the gravity around you so I can pretty much move you wherever I want." I tld her, smiling a bit. "Now I'll ask again: Do you wanna have a bad time?"
"Heh, you don't have the guts to do anything to me." Gilda stated confidently. I brought my other hand out, summoning a demonic skeleton head.
"This is called a Gaster Blaster." I told her, making sure my voice was loud enough to include the Mane 6. "It fires a powerful beam out of its mouth a high speeds. Do you want to see what it can do?" I didn't wait for a response and used it to fire a beam directly next to her. When the beam stopped, there was a massive trench in the ground and in some places, it was on fire.
"Now I'll ask for the last time: Do you wanna have a bad time?" I asked.
"Bring it." Gilda replied. I could see she was scared though.
I grinned and summoned more Gaster Blasters, making a dome around her. I set the Blasters to lower power and to stop when they hit something.
"Oh bu-" Gilda was cut off by me firing the Gaster Blasters. Smoke enveloped the area, making it hard to see. I dismissed the Gaster Blasts and walked through the smoke. I grabbed the barely conscious Gilda by the throat. The smoke cleared, revealing us in that position.
"Leave." I growled. Gilda nodded as much as she could and I let her go. She flew off in the distance, and I could see she was much slower than usual. I turned to face the Mane 6.
"And that's how you get rid of a bully." I said, snapping them out of whatever trance had them staring at me. They all bombarded me with questions, but I stuck my hand up, silencing them.
"Alright, one at a time." I said. I pointed to Twilight first.
"How did you do that?! Nopony can fire a beam that powerful!"
"I'm not a pony. I thought that was obvious. Applejack."
"Why'd ya have ta go and make a hole in the road?"
"To prove a point. I'll fix it now." I snapped my fingers, restoring everything to the way it was. "Fluttershy."
"Why did you stand up for me like that?"
"Because you're a dear friend to me and you're way too adorable to let anything happen to." Fluttershy blushed. "Rarity."
"Why are you wearing that horrendous sweater?"
"First of all, it's a hoodie. They're comfy and awesome as hell. Second, it fit the character. Pinkie."
"Why Sans?" Everyone looked at her confused.
"Because he's a sick lad. Rainbow, I'm going to guess yours. Did Gilda lie to you about what happened when she was alone in town?" Rainbow nodded. "Okay, she was going to roar at Fluttershy, so I stepped in to stop her from doing something she would regret." Rainbow nodded.
"What did she say? Just out of curiosity." I asked.
"Gilda said that you pushed her around and taunted her when she was trying to get some lunch." Rainbow said.
"Well, now you know what actually happened." I said before turning my attention to Twilight. "Now then, did you learn something about friendship today?" Twilight gasped and rushed back inside. All of us laughed before the rest of the Mane 6 followed her in. I stayed out for a bit longer, staring at the sky.
"I wonder if you'll find me." I said to myself. "Hope to see you soon... Brother." I walked back inside, reflecting on how I would get into these situations with possibly my favourite person alive. Thinking about it, time would travel differently between the two worlds.
After Twilight wrote her letter on friendship, I offered to take it to Celestia for her. She agreed, and so I teleported next to the throne room window, watching as Celly struggled to not punch the pony in there. When I looked closer, I could see why. It was Blueblood. Welp, guess I'll save her from him. I dived through the window, smashing it, and rolled on the floor before standing up before Celestia.
"Mail for the one known as Princess Celestia." I said in my best Peter Griffin voice.
"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY PRIVATE MEETING WITH AUNTIE?!" Blueblood shouted.
"Easy, like this." I said as I snapped my fingers and made a ramp appear. I brought him to the top, while he was yelling at me.
"PUT ME DOWN! I AM ROYALTY! I REFUSE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!" Jeez, it's like he's trying to do the Royal Caps Lock but he can't. You need to be true royalty.
"How about... no." When I said 'no' I dropped him down the ramp and he when sliding out into the hall.
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He shouted before the doors slammed shut.
"Thank you for that, Andrew." Celestia said, giving me a peck on the cheek.
"No problem, the guy's a royal douche anyway." I responded. "Did you read the letter?" I asked.
"Yes I did, and I'm very happy that Twilight is making friends after going so long without them." Celestia said.
"Three things about Twilight. Books, magic and studies. Those would be the big things that make her up. If you get her to think that something is a task for her studies, she'll do it." I responded.
"Yes, but I'm afraid that one day it will backfire on her." Celestia said with a frown.
"It will happen, but we can handle it." I said, thinking back to Lesson Zero.
"Thanks Andrew. Will you stay the night?" Celestia asked, nuzzling me.
"Yeah, I think I will." I said. The two of us left the throne room and went to the dining room where we met up with Luna for dinner/breakfast. We went separate ways, Celestia going to bed and me going with Luna to night court.
I fell asleep halfway through.
