//------------------------------// // Chapter Seven: Being in the Royal Guard is Harder Than You'd Think // Story: The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Date Twilight Sparkle // by Codex Ex Equus //------------------------------// “You there. Guard.” Steel Shield perked up. He was proud to be a royal guard, of course. They all were; it was practically a prerequisite for joining the Guard. The only problem was… well, eighty percent of the job consisted of standing around the halls of the palace, just guarding, you know, things. Nineteen and a half percent was training, equipment maintenance, paperwork, and so on. It all got a bit boring after a while. The only exception was that last half percent... which was just pure, unadulterated terror. Like when Discord had been freed, or the changelings had attacked the royal wedding. Seeing a beetle could still give him nightmares for a week. Someone talking to him, though, was always a welcome respite from the boredom of being on duty. With a developing smile, he turned towards the voice, ready for whatever minor entertainment even something as simple as giving directions could bring. What he saw was a wall of black. The smile on his face turned to a look of confusion, until he realized there was somepony standing in front of him. He looked up, straight into the eyes of Queen Chrysalis. “Tell me, guard,” she said, eyes narrowing as she leaned slightly down towards the frozen stallion. “You are pleasing enough physically, but do you have what it takes to satisfy a Queen?” His mouth slowly opened. For a moment it looked as though he was going to answer, but his mouth just kept opening, leaving his jaw hanging. Then suddenly, he was gone, rounding a distant corner and just starting to scream. His spear hung for a moment, still balanced upright, then slowly tipped over and clattered on the floor. “Hmph. It happened again.” Chrysalis raised her muzzle into the air and continued down the hall in the direction they'd been walking. “I must say, I find your guards disappointing. At least in the current situation. Please feel free to keep them at this level of professionalism and bravery for, say, another three months.” “And... this is supposed to help?” Celestia muttered to Cadance quietly, rolling her eyes. “Well, we know she'd be happy with a stallion or a mare,” said Cadance, referring to the frightened yells and piercing shrieks that still echoed in the air, “and she wants somepony who isn't scared of her. Those are two very important pieces of information!” “Why would she want someone who is scared of her?” wondered Celestia. “Well, to be honest, that's what I thought she would prefer. I figured she'd be into the whole fear and respect thing—oh Goddess.” “Cadance!” exclaimed Shining Armor happily, starting to trot down the hall. “I finally made it! The train got delayed because of some sheep on the tracks, so it just took a little bit longer than we thought. What's all this screaming I've... been... hearing...” He stopped, and for a moment the hallway was a silent tableau. “Heya, ex-fiance. How have you been?” inquired Chrysalis pleasantly, waving. Three magical auras hit Shining Armor at once—gold lifting him off the ground and causing his suddenly-backpedaling legs to scramble frantically in the air, cyan clamping his muzzle shut and cutting off his screams, and green wrapping around his horn to cancel out the spell he was trying to cast. “Okay, quick, what do we do with him?” asked Cadance frantically. “We need to get him out of sight,” Celestia said firmly. “I can't even imagine what kind of mess it would cause if anyone saw us holding him like this. And we need time to explain what's going on.” “Don't worry, I know exactly what to do,” said Chrysalis, speaking quickly and confidently. “Done this a thousand times. Is there a closet or a similar room anywhere nearby?” “Down this way!” Celestia led them back and down a side hall to a doorway, and they all piled into a supply closet. Being in a royal palace, it was a large closet, but three alicorns (or alicorn-sized beings, at least) and a stallion still made it a bit more cozy than was comfortable. “Find something to tie him up with,” commanded Chrysalis. Bed sheets were quickly located, and Shining Armor was bound firmly. Chrysalis enchanted a shred of cloth to block his magic—at least temporarily—and wrapped it around his horn, and another rag was stuffed into his mouth as a gag. “Okay, now what?” asked Cadance, panting slightly. “Now that he's secure, we have enough time to secrete slime and build a cocoon around him. Then we can change into his form and take his place.” “Chrysalis, even if we were changelings, how would that help us right now?!” cried Celestia, a hoof going to her forehead. “Oh.” Chrysalis looked down for a second, frowning. “I wasn't thinking about that. I mean, usually when I drag a struggling pony off into some secluded corner, I'm trying to hypnotize or impersonate them. I don't have a clue what to do about all this.” “Great,” Celestia sighed as Chrysalis wandered off to the back of the closet, looking at the items on the shelves with interest. “Well, I guess we can try talking to him?” Cadance moved towards the bound stallion. “Shining Armor, we need to discuss this. I'm taking off your gag, so please don't try calling for help.”          He glared at her, but finally nodded, and she used her magic to remove the strip of bedsheet. “Shining—” “Cadance, please,” Shining Armor begged, eyes halfway between desperate and enraged. “This isn't you! I know how it feels, but you need to fight it! We beat her once, we can beat her again!” “No, Shining Armor,” Cadance shook her head sadly. “She's not controlling us. Do you really think she could control the mind of even one alicorn, let alone two at once? And, I mean, look at her. She's all... giant bug. If she was trying to control us, she'd take the shape of someone we trust, like how she looked like Twilight when we first found her—oops!” “Twilight?!” Shining's eyes bugged out and his mouth opened wide, but Celestia thought fast and jammed the gag back in before he started yelling. “Well, that was a mistake,” said Cadance, sighing over Shining's muffled shouts. She moved closer, calming him with a hoof alongside his face. “Please, Shining, listen to me. We're trying to help her. She wants to be good—well, no, that's not true. But maybe we can make her happy, and that's the first step to turning her from an enemy to a friend. And I, for one, would rather not have to keep looking over my shoulder for shape-changers for the rest of eternity.” Shining Armor wasn't struggling anymore, but there was still a stubborn look of determination on his face, and Cadance moved back with a sigh. “Well, I tried my best. Chrysalis, is there anything you can say to convince—what are you doing?!” The changeling looked up from the box she had her muzzle buried in, blue powder coating her nose and smeared around her mouth. “I found some kind of snack back here.” “That's... that's drain cleaner! You can't eat that!” “I like it. It's spicy.” Cadance moved back towards Chrysalis. Celestia watched her for a moment, then turned to Shining Armor, blocking out the bickering of the other two. Adopting her disappointed face—eyes narrowed, mouth turned down in a slight frown—she removed the gag from Shining Armor's mouth once more. “I'm sorry about this,” she said before he got a chance to speak, “I know you took pride in being Captain of the Guard, which is why I let you keep the rank of Honorary Captain when you had to go live in the Crystal Empire with Cadance. I was always glad to know you were there, ready to come to my aid—to my kingdom's aid—if it were to be required again. However, even if I am saddened and disappointed, I will accept your resignation.”         “My—” Shining paused, confused. “My what?” “Your resignation.” Celestia turned away from him, trying to pace as best she could in the small closet. “You clearly don't trust me. You think my mind has been compromised—as though any changeling, even the Queen, could do such a thing. You also seem to think that my attempts to befriend Chrysalis—” She looked up at the sounds of squealing, to see Cadance flailing her legs about in an attempt to fend off a giggling Chrysalis, who was repeatedly hitting her over the head with the box of drain cleaner. “—my attempts to make Chrysalis less of an enemy are unwise,” she continued smoothly. “However, her abilities at subterfuge may even exceed my own. You saw how efficiently she dealt with the Elements of Harmony during the wedding; the Bearers never had a chance at getting to them. Do you think she would not have similar plans in place for Cadance and yourself during her inevitable next attempt? We need something that at least resembles a truce with her, Shining Armor, despite your completely legitimate grudge against her. “And so, I repeat: you do not trust me. You believe I am being influenced by her, and you believe my attempts at reasoning with her to be folly. You must recognize that as I must trust you, you must trust me as well. And if you don't trust me, if you think I'm making mistakes, if you think yourself better able to run this kingdom than I, then the very oath you swore means you must resign. “It is a very short step to go from not trusting me to lead, to deciding I shouldn't do it at all anymore, Shining Armor. And if you still value that oath, and if it's not too late, then you know what you have to do.” The look on Shining Armor's face was desperate and miserable, and Celestia smiled to herself. Guilt was one of many weapons in her arsenal, and she wielded it like a rapier: a poke here and a poke there was all it took. “What are you going to do, my Captain?” she said quietly, trying not to look up at Cadance's impressive attempt to shove the box of drain cleaner down Chrysalis's throat. “Celestia, I...” He sighed. “I trust you. Of course I do. And if whatever you're doing here can help eliminate a threat to Equestria and the Crystal Empire—even if it's not eliminating it in quite the way I'd prefer—then I'll help. But... would you mind if I put a spell on myself to protect against mental magics? And check to make sure you haven't been compromised yourself? It's not that I don't trust you, it's just...” Celestia laughed quietly. “That level of distrust I can live with. It's healthy, given who we're dealing with, and very much part of your job.” She freed his horn from its suppressor, and watched as a web of magic spun its way across his head, then reached out to gently probe at her mind. “Satisfied?” she asked slyly, and he nodded, finally smiling. “Good.” “So then, what are we doing with... with her?” Shining said, as the two disheveled royals finished whatever they'd been doing in the back of the closet and rejoined the conversation. He gave a jerk of his head towards Chrysalis for emphasis, still not able to say her name. “Oh Shining, it's so exciting!” exclaimed Cadance from his side. “She's going to let me find a pony for her that she can love and who can love her!” Shining started to laugh, then caught Chrysalis's eye and hurriedly turned it into a cough. “Oh, that's... that's, um... a good thing? And definitely something we can do. Yep, not an impossible task at all.” He quickly turned to Celestia, who was beginning to undo his restraints. “How did you get roped into all this, Princess?”         “Oh, she wants to bang your sister, and Cadance is going to help,” Chrysalis said airily, before anyone else could respond. With a sigh, Celestia replaced the gag. This was going to take a while. “Wow,” said Cadance, watching the fleeing guards. “Not even direct orders from their captain can keep them around. This... might be more difficult than I thought.” “Laugh it up,” muttered Chrysalis, stalking off down the hall. Watching guard after guard run from her was not improving her already irritable mood. “Oh, no, don't be like that...” Cadance trotted quickly ahead to talk to her, Celestia and Shining Armor trailing behind. “This might actually be a lost cause, as little as I want to admit it,” said Celestia sadly. “I'd really hoped... well, I don't know what I'd hoped, but Cadance has been so optimistic I thought we could do something here. Something that actually would help with the whole changeling issue. Now, though, I think we might have just made things worse.” Shining Armor shook his head. “Cadance's opinion of the power of love is a tad high. Sure, it can do some amazing things—what happened to Chrysalis the last time we met is proof of that—but, well, it has its limits. I agree, though. I'm worried about what might happen if she keeps getting rejected.” “I'm starting to think we might have to go with the backup plan; the one pony she brought up that she supposedly thinks is at least a little bit worthy.” “Who's that?” Celestia raised an eyebrow at Shining Armor. When his face remained blank, she cleared her throat, then gestured meaningfully at him with her head. “I'm going to be sick.” Shining Armor turned away, one hoof going to his mouth. “It was just a thought, I wasn't serious… I mean, unless you don't mind—no, no, you're right, let's just forget I even said anything.” They caught up to Cadance and Chrysalis, who had stopped walking, just as the Queen let out a long, sorrowful sigh. “I was a fool to let you talk me into this,” she said, staring at the marble floor beneath her hoofs. “Now, don't say that,” said Cadance, forced cheeriness obvious in her voice. “Maybe the problem is that we're in Canterlot, especially the palace. The ponies here... well, you didn't exactly make a good impression on them the last time you met. Perhaps if we went somewhere else, like Ponyville, you—” “No. I am done.” She turned to face them, eyes narrowed. “Besides, once I have all of you in cocoons and Equestria is mine, I'll have all the love I need.” “Hmph. Well, this isn't much of a surprise,” growled Shining Armor, moving up to stand next to Cadance. “Please don't do this,” pleaded Cadance. “We were getting along so well! With just a bit more time, we could have... we could have...” She trailed off, and Chrysalis snorted, both triumphantly and sadly. “You see? The power of love doesn't fix everything. The only good that comes from it is meals.” “There's one other thing it's good for!” Shining Armor's horn lit up, along with Cadance's, albeit reluctantly for the latter. “Oh really?” The changeling Queen cocked an eyebrow upwards. Shining Armor's horn fizzled first, his magic flickering and then disappearing with a shower of sparks. Cadance's didn't flicker, just faded out slowly, despite her efforts to keep it going. “You really shouldn't have let me be the one to bind Shining Armor's magic back there,” cackled Chrysalis. “Or at least you should have checked the spells I put on him more carefully. He won't be able to regenerate his magic for a while. Why, he probably would have drained his reserves by just, for example, protecting himself from mental manipulation and checking to make sure certain Princesses weren't being mind controlled.” She turned to Cadance. “And as for you, well, I have been feeding off you all day. You weren't paying  attention to how much I was taking, were you?” “I...” Cadance hung her head miserably. “I trusted you,” she finished in a whisper. Chrysalis laughed loudly, and turned to Celestia. “Which just leaves you again, my dear. Care for a rematch?” Celestia strode out to the center of the hallway, facing the Queen squarely. “You have shamed me once, by defeating me the last time we faced each other, and now again, by betraying the trust I put in you this day. I welcome the chance to redeem myself by turning you into a smoldering pile of ash on the floor!” Chrysalis smirked, her horn beginning to glow with green light. “Very well then, Princess. It's just you and me, and this time no one's going to come in at the last second to defeat me—” “Just what is the meaning of this?!” The voice cracked out with authority in the small hallway. Chrysalis froze, eyes wide, and slowly turned. Luna stood at the far end of the hallway, eyes narrow, fury evident in every inch of her face. “We were awoken, well before it was time for our night to begin, by the screams of our royal guards. Imagine our surprise when, after some time spent piecing their disjointed cries and sobbed stories together, we found out that you, sister, and you, niece, were leading one of our most dangerous enemies around the castle in an attempt to, apparently, find her a lover.” Babbled responses came from all four beings standing before her. Luna listened for a time, rage growing on her face until she finally stomped a hoof on the floor, causing the hall to shake. “ENOUGH!” she bellowed in the full Royal Canterlot Voice. She stalked forward, ending up eye to eye with Chrysalis. She studied her for a moment, then began to slowly circle the Queen, still inspecting her. For her part, Chrysalis just gulped and stood still, doing her best not to quake in fear. “It is interesting to finally meet the fearsome Changeling Queen face to face,” said Luna suddenly, causing Chrysalis to jump in fright, “I am not disappointed. The descriptions I have heard of you did not do you justice. But what is disappointing is you, dear sister.” “M-me?!” “You let this creature into our palace, this criminal, who once took over our very kingdom, and proceed to traipse around with her? And you do all this in an attempt to find her a lover? In an attempt to find her a first lover...” Luna suddenly stopped and spun around, pointing a hoof at Celestia accusingly. “And thou did not even think to call upon us to perform this deed?!” “Oh. Ohhh...” Luna marched up next to Chrysalis and leaned against her, draping a wing over her side and drawing her in when she tried to move away in surprise. “Rest assured, dear sister. I shall take this beautiful maiden and deflower her for you most thoroughly.” “Wait, what—” was all Chrysalis had time to say before they vanished in a flash of blue light. The three ponies who were left in the hallway stood for a moment in stunned silence. “Oh, well, problem solved,” Celestia said finally. “Seriously?!” cried Shining Armor. “Of course. Either Luna will... do what she just suggested she will do, which I'm trying very hard not to think about, or she'll kill Chrysalis.” Celestia shrugged. “Either way, problem solved.”