//------------------------------//
// I Hold You In My Heart 
// Story: Crystal's Hopes 
// by Crystal Wishes 
//------------------------------//

"I'm sorry," Silent said, walking toward her, but he never grew nearer.  "I'm sorry."

Crystal shook her head, running toward him, yet the distance between them remained the same.  "It's okay!  I forgive you!"

"I'm sorry," he kept saying over and over.  His form became blurry.  It was hard to see him clearly no matter how hard she tried.

"No!" she shouted as she jolted upright, the comforter falling to her lap.  Sweat clung to her coat and she panted heavily.  Her eyes darted back and forth in an attempt to find him before she realized he was gone.  "No…"

A dream.  No, a nightmare.

She looked over at the pillow beside hers, fresh and untouched.  Just as sweat dripped from her forehead, tears started to fall down her cheeks.

Why wasn't reality the nightmare instead?  Why couldn't she wake up from this and the war be an awful, awful figment of her imagination?

In a fit of anger, she cried out and pushed his pillow off the edge of the bed, flopped back down, and buried her face in her hooves.

She wanted to believe his words, that the conflict would be resolved without combat.  She wanted to believe that the princesses would ensure that.  But everything she had read about the gryphons told her otherwise.

Their history was riddled with battles, and they had betrayed the ponies once before already.  Nothing was stopping them from doing it again.

The quiet air was disturbed by her soft sobs and sniffles.  She tried to remind herself that crying would do no good.  It wouldn't change reality.  It wouldn't change a thing.  Slowly, as she repeated the mantra in her head and transitioned into repeating it under her breath, she lulled herself into a numb, empty state.

Her hooves dropped from her face and she stared at the ceiling, feeling nothing for a while.  She was too tired to stay awake, but at the same time, too tired to sleep.

Eventually, she slipped out from under the covers and turned to stare at the bed while her magic started to remake it.  Small victory.  Whatever that meant anymore.

It felt like somepony else was guiding her as she went through the motions of brushing her teeth and starting a shower.  Her heart wasn't in doing anything at all, but she did it anyway.  It was what she had to do.  Keep moving.  If she stopped, she might start to cry again, and she was done with crying.  It didn't change a thing.

While she stood under the stream of hot water and scrubbed her face, she went over the to-do list.  Shower first.  Then hair and makeup.  Then breakfast.  Then writing.

Just because she wanted the world to stop didn't mean it would.  She had deadlines to meet and they wouldn't wait for her to get things together.

When she finally sat down to work on the outline for Desert Rose, nothing happened.  Her mind was a complete blank.  The quill hovered above the empty page.

Words.  She needed words.  In order to get those words, she needed a direction.  What was her direction?

Forward.  Her direction was forward.  She took a deep breath and slowly released it.  It didn't matter if they were good ideas or ones she'd scrap.  Just get something on the paper.

Leading Lady:  Arabian horse.  Name?

Crystal paused to levitate the Saddle Arabian guide book over and flipped through.  How were Arabian horses named?  She blinked at some of the examples.  Oh, their names were quite long. A characteristic…  Their mother's name…  And their family's name?

She rubbed the bridge of her nose and kept reading.  What characteristics were there about Velvet she could use?  Ballerinas were graceful.  Graceful, graceful…  Jamilah!  And mother's name?  Sun…  Junah.  Jamilah bint Junah.

With a frown, she scratched out Jamilah.  Too many J's.

It took a fair amount of trial and error, but she finally settled on her leading lady.

Leading Lady:  Arabian horse.  Name?  Fatinah bint Junah al-Khibaz

What a mouthful!  Did Arabian horses really have such long names?  Crystal played with saying it aloud a few times when there was a frantic knock at the door.

Her heart started racing and she froze.  There was no reason to panic.  Silent hadn't even left Equestria yet.  What trouble could he have possibly gotten into in less than twenty-four bells?

"Crystal!" Velvet's voice yelled from outside.  "Crystal, open up!"

"What?"  Crystal hopped off the couch and hurried over, her magic undoing the lock.  She skidded to a halt as the door burst open.  "Velvet?"

Velvet ran past her, head whipping back and forth to look around.  "Where is he?"  She pivoted on her right foreleg and gave Crystal a bone-chilling glare.  "Where—is—he?"

Crystal just stared at her for a moment.  "Velvet?" she repeated, somewhat dumbly.  "What are you doing here?"

"You know exactly why I'm here."  She closed the distance between them and shoved her face in Crystal's, determination in her tightly clenched jaw.  "Did he leave you?"

Crystal averted her eyes.  "He volunteered.  That's what guards do."

Velvet stomped a hoof and snarled, "I knew it!  As soon as they made the declaration, I knew it—I knew he was going to—"  She shook her head, glaring at Crystal again.  "I don't care if he's a guard!  I don't care if Celestia herself asked him to go!  Aren't you more important?  Wasn't that the whole point of getting married?!"

"It's not that simple," Crystal said softly.  "I knew what I was getting into."  Her ear flicked as she recalled her vows, "I committed my heart to a pony whose life is not within his control.  He swore oaths before me.  I swore to respect that."

The muscles of Velvet's face twitched as her expression shifted through confusion, frustration, and anger.  "I don't care about that!  There's no reason for him to go!  Are you seriously trying to tell me you're not upset?!"

A surge of emotion brought tears to Crystal's eyes and she shook her head.  "Of course not!  Of course I'm upset!"  She choked on her words as she yelled, "I don't want him to go!  I'm terrified of him going!  But I can't stop him!"

"Why not?!"

Crystal thrust a hoof toward the newspaper still sitting on the dining table.  "The Guard asked for thirty thousand volunteers.  Thirty thousand, Velvet!  If every wife and husband begged for their loved ones not to go, then who would go?"

Velvet stared at her, eyes wide, then scowled again.  "There are lots of other guards!  Somepony else would take his place.  His place is here with you!"

"No…"  Crystal dropped her head to look at the floor.  "No, it's not.  The job has to come first.  It has to."

"Crabapples!"

Crystal shook her head.  "Right now, thousands of wives, husbands…  Mothers and fathers…  Daughters and sons…  They're saying goodbye and going off to volunteer.  Do you really think they want to?"

Velvet started to pace, each hoof falling with an angry thump.  "I don't—I don't know!  I don't care about them.  I care about you, and I care that you're crying, and I care that he's responsible!"

For a while, Crystal said nothing.  She simply listened to the sound of Velvet pacing back and forth and tried to wade through her own feelings.  No, her feelings weren't the issue.  Silent was the one in question.  "He couldn't stay," she said softly, closing her eyes.  "He had to go."

Velvet stopped and glared at her.  "Says who?"

"Says me."  Crystal sighed.  "He's not going there to fight, but I don't trust that it will stay that way.  The gryphons are different from us.  If he didn't go and news arrived that ponies were attacked and killed… the guilt would be too much.  He'd hate himself for not going."

"The guilt?  What guilt?"  Velvet rolled her eyes.  "Seriously?  He can't take responsibility for every guard that ever gets injured doing anything!"

Crystal bit back a bitter laugh and just snorted instead.  "It—It doesn't matter.  He has to go.  When…  If things turn sour, they'll need a pony like him.  Perhaps he's not a soldier, but he might as well be."

Velvet walked over and sat down in front of her.  "But what about you?"  She took Crystal's hooves in her own, giving them a tight squeeze.  "I don't give a donkey's flank about what he has to do or what he thinks or anything.  What about you?"

Crystal lifted her head to look at Velvet.  "What about me?"

"He's left you in the Empire, away from your friends and family!  How long is he going to be gone?  How long are you going to have to be here alone?"  Velvet's eyes were glossed over with tears that she kept from falling.  "What if he never comes back?  What if—"

"I get the point," Crystal interrupted in a sharp tone.  "I don't know.  Okay?  I don't have the answers.  Is that what you want to hear?"

"No," Velvet muttered, her ears pinning back.  "I want to hear that you'll move back to Canterlot.  I—Nightingale just moved into your old room, but I'll talk to her, she—"

Crystal blinked a few times in surprise, then shook her head.  "No, that's not fair to her…  And either way, I'm not moving back."

"So you're just going to stay here all alone?!  That's a stupid idea!"  Velvet squeezed Crystal's hooves tighter.  "Silent may think it's okay to leave you, but I don't!  If you won't move back, then I'll just move here, and—"

"Don't be silly."  Crystal smiled and slipped her hooves out of Velvet's grasp to bop the mare on the nose.  "You can't leave your job and your family behind.  No, nopony is moving anywhere.  I'll take the train when I'm lonely.  But this is our home.  When he comes home, this is where he'll go, and I want to be here when he does."

Velvet frowned and crossed her forelegs over her chest.  "Just leave a note or write him a letter or something that you moved back.  Problem solved."

It wasn't that simple.  Well—yes, it was, yet at the same time, it wasn't.  Crystal didn't want to abandon their home.  They hadn't lived there long, but it would be waiting for him.  That was where she should be.  Where she would be.

Smiling, Crystal rose to her hooves and gestured to the couch.  "Why don't I tell you what I've worked out so far for your story?"

Velvet eyed her with a furrowed brow.  "Are you changing the subject?  It sure sounds like you're changing the subject."

"That's because I am.  Now, get off the floor and join me."  Crystal sat down on one of the cushions, her magic lifting her notebook from where she had left it to answer the door.  "I've picked a setting.  How do you feel about Saddle Arabia?"

Velvet's ears twitched with piqued interest and, reluctantly, she went over to sit beside Crystal.  "I don't have an opinion one way or the other.  Why Saddle Arabia?"

"Why not?"  Crystal's smile widened.  "It seems exotic."

It was nice: talking.  Talking about anything.  Anything but Silent, anything but the war.  If she just kept her focus on the story, then life seemed normal.

"So the book version of me is an Arabian horse with a really long name?"  Velvet glanced up from Crystal's notes.  "Are you sure this story is about me?"

Crystal waved a hoof.  "Absolutely!  Her name means Captivating, Daughter of the Sun, the Baker.  Or, at least, I hope so.  I'm afraid I'm butchering the language with this dictionary."

Velvet glanced between Crystal and the notes, then tilted her head.  "Okay, so I kind of get it.  But I'm not a baker."

"Oh, well, perhaps I'm not translating it quite right.  That would, if I've understood their culture correctly, be a family name, of sorts.  I just wanted to include your mother and father, really."  Slowly, she frowned.  "Except perhaps I should reconsider that, given that the family names are matrillineal…"

Velvet picked up the guidebook and started to flip through it, tilting her head the other way.  "Nah, leave it.  My mom sometimes wishes she could bake like my dad.  And my dad sometimes wishes he was more like my mom.  So, it's cool.  Let them have that dream come true."

Crystal smiled, the quill floating over and making a few notes of this.  "I still have a lot to figure out, of course."

"Like how you're going to make this work when you're a romance author and there's no romance."  Velvet snorted and looked up.  "Seriously, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Absolutely," Crystal said with a curt nod and without hesitation.  "It speaks to me.  That is what I need to write a novel.  The rest are simply details!"

Velvet raised one brow.  "Pretty important details, but whatever.  So what else do you have?"

"What else?"  Slowly, Crystal's ears drooped.  "That is as far as I have gotten, aside from some notes about Saddle Arabian culture."  She scooted closer to Velvet.  "You haven't exactly been forthcoming with details of your private life for me to work with, after all."

Velvet frowned and shoved the book in Crystal's face to push her away.  "Well, maybe I don't want to talk about it.  Make up whatever you want, I don't care."

Crystal leaned around the book, returning the frown.  "Why can't you talk to me about it?"

"Because."  Velvet stretched her forelegs over her head, then stood up and shook out her coat.  "Because I'm hungry, and you've been a terrible host and haven't offered me a thing to eat or drink.  So now you owe me lunch!"

Crystal sighed as she slid off the couch to follow Velvet to the door.  A smile quirked her lips upward.  "You're beginning to sound like a cousin of mine."

Velvet glanced up at her.  "What?  Who?"

"Nevermind, nevermind."  Crystal laughed softly and shook her head.  "It doesn't…"  She trailed off when they left the building and were standing on the base grounds, a chill running down her spine.

Everything was quiet.  The noise and chaos of guards going everywhere from the day before was gone.  There were a few ponies going to or from a building.  It was like any other day before the declaration.

Velvet looked over her shoulder, frowned, and followed Crystal's gaze to one of the guards.  Her ears flicked back and she muttered in a bitter voice, "Why isn't he going to volunteer, huh?  He's a guard, isn't he?"

Crystal's eyes darted to look instead at the main gates.  "Not every guard can go.  We do need some to stay, after all."

"That's not what you said before!" Velvet practically snarled.  "You said Silent has to go because guards have to go.  Now you're saying not all guards have to go.  So why couldn't Silent be one of those that stayed?!"

"I don't know!"  Crystal's walking shifted to an irritated trot.  Irritated at Velvet.  Irritated at Silent.  Irritated at herself.  "What do you want me to do?!"

Velvet matched her quickened pace with ease.  "What do you want to do?!"

The burning sting of tears coming back again only furthered her irritation.  "I don't know!  I really don't!  I wish he weren't going, and I hate that I'm thinking like that.  I promised to support him, and now that I have to, I don't want to!"  She choked on a sob and came to a sudden halt, dropping her head and clenching her eyes shut. 

Velvet was quiet while Crystal trembled and cried.  She just stood there, not saying a word until Crystal finally looked up at her.  Putting a hoof on Crystal's shoulder, she asked, "So, what are you going to do?"

Crystal shook her head, sighing.  "I don't—I don't know.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.  I thought I was prepared for this, but…  I'm not.  I don't want him to leave, but I understand that he can't stay.  How can I be for and against something at the same time?"

Velvet's nose scrunched up.  After a moment of thought, she sighed. "If you think you've got it rough, then imagine how I feel.  Somepony made my best friend cry.  I want to kick him in the family jewels, but I can't because he's not here, so, yeah."

A short laugh escaped Crystal and she rubbed at her eyes.  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  I didn't stop to consider how this would affect you.  I'll send word to him right away that he can't leave until you kick him."

"That'd be appreciated.  Then at least I would feel better."  Velvet leaned in to rest her forehead against Crystal's, lowering her voice.  "Seriously, though…  I don't get it.  Not at all.  He should have stayed."

Crystal sighed.  "He swore his oaths, and I vowed to respect that.  That's just the way it is.  This is the life I've chosen.  I have to accept that, and so do you."

"Nope."  Velvet pulled back and started walking again.  "I don't have to accept anything that makes you cry.  When he gets back, I'm kicking him."

Crystal tried to smile as she followed behind her.  "Please don't."

"Too late.  My mind's made up."  Velvet stuck her nose in the air and stomped a hoof on the ground.  "Wham!  Right in the pecker."

"Oh, in the face, not the jewels?"  Crystal's ear flicked.  "Well, I suppose I can accept that compromise."

Velvet tossed her mane to grin over her shoulder.  "The pecker is part of the jewels, sweetie."

Crystal's brow furrowed, but she couldn't help a laugh.  Velvet making lewd jokes, the two of them walking to lunch… it was like things were normal.  Almost.  There was a haze, a shadow in the back of her mind, but she would keep a smile on her face.  She would just have to fake normalcy until it became real.  Fake it until you make it—isn't that what they always say?