Two weeks before I’d even receive my first pay as a royal guard, I’d already spent all the bits coming to me. Not on things for myself or for getting my quarters up to snuff. No, I’d spent them at the salon, spa, and marecare store. I think the tax ponies consider that a qualified job expense. Either way, I considered it important.
If I was going to lead a team of beautiful ponies, I had to fit in. The academy had done little to prepare me for this. All of those lessons in tactics just didn’t apply the same way. Now it was time to make the lessons fit for this job. Either that or just use everything I’d learned on the dating scene.
My trot through the Baltimare Command campus courtyard had exactly the impact I’d hoped for. Everypony, guard and civilian alike, turned their heads to stare. Yes, I knew how to clean up well. Extremely well, actually. Certainly well enough to show that two-bit sparkling stallion.
It all starts with the mane. Sure, short and stallion-length regulation is cute and utilitarian, but that wasn’t the sort of thing that gets a pony’s heart throbbing. No, you start with a long mane and some curls. No ponytail, that’s for sure. Then you tease it up a bit, add some glitter, and make sure it bounces when you trot.
Next comes the tail. Some ponies go overboard there. In truth, all you have to do is grow it long, brush it out, and tie a little ribbon around the base to ensure it stands up just a bit to show off more of the flank. That was a trick I’d been using since my early days at the SGU.
Last, but most important of all, is makeup. I’ve never used a lot but the right eyeshadow and eyeliner is key. Long lashes, the illusion of bigger eyes, and an extra hint of color to make sure the green pops. That’s all it takes for me. That and coat glitter. Never go easy on the coat glitter.
Pair that up with some incredibly shiny armor and you’ve got a royal guard lieutenant that turns heads, stuns ponies with her radiance, and is a nightmare for a vain pony like Van!
When I trotted up the stairs to the main entrance, three different ponies tried to open the door for me. Two collided while the third managed to open the door and stammered, “Ma’am.”
“Good morning,” I replied sweetly before looking at the two on the ground. “You two be sure to see the medic.” That was nice of them. It made it even easier to keep the box I had trapped in my magic floating behind me.
Yes, my efforts were having the desired impact. Now it was show time.
Our office, I had learned during my first day, had the front door for customers and a side door for us. The vice colonel had given me a key for the clumsy earth pony lock. It took me about ten seconds, even with my magic, to get the door open. When I had my own place, I was only using magilocks! I had the time, though. Stage two of my plan was to be the first pony into work.
I trotted into the dark room and flipped on the lights. The box levitated over to the break area. Just a little treat to help grease the wheels. Then I went into my office. I’d wait for them all to arrive before making my grand entrance. Plus, in the meantime, I could start organizing my desk and learning more about all the paperwork I’d be doing.
It wasn’t long before I heard the door out in the main room open. “Hello?” Mythic Aurora called.
“Good morning, Mythic. Just working on my desk, I’ll be out in a bit. Oh, I set some muffins out in the break area,” I called.
“Yes, ma’am, thank you!” she replied sweetly before the sound of papers being shuffled trickled under my door.
Over the course of the next half hour, more ponies arrived at the G9 to start their work day. Each time somepony arrived, Mythic would greet them and then mention that I’d brought muffins. I just sat quietly in my office, biding my time.
Finally, it happened. I heard the door open and the stallion's smooth voice. “Morning, girls. Looks like I’m the last here again… well, other than our new supervisor.”
“Actually—” Mythic started as I walked out of my office.
“Actually, I was here first this morning and I brought muffins,” I said confidently before striking a subtle pose so the light to caught my mane glitter. There was a chorus of gasps.
Mythic Aurora clapped her hooves. “Wow, Lieutenant, you look beautiful! And your armor… it just goes so well with your coat. Well done!”
“Yay! You look great!” Canary added in.
Selena nodded in agreement. “Really stepped up your game, ma’am.”
Van Glorious’s head tilted and he tried to look cool and calm. He forgot to shut his mouth, though. “Yeah… I see you’ve decided to join us.”
With a resolute nod, I replied, “Yes. I understand the uniform requirements here quite well. Now, everypony, enjoy your muffins. I’m sure we’ve got a busy day of wowing ponies ahead of us and I want a front row seat. The quicker I get up to speed, the sooner I can take on some of your workload.”
They all responded with a, “Yes, ma’am,” and got to work.
Mission accomplished.
☼
I stood behind the counter with a smile plastered on my face as the violet mare in front of me droned on and on and on about how a firepony had broken her mailbox on his way to fight a fire. She’d not stopped talking for ten minutes about how it messed up the mail carrier and other things.
This was my day… this was my every day. How long had I been doing this now? A few weeks? A few months? It was hard to tell. Every day was the same. The only challenge was not screaming at a customer. I wasn’t helping any ponies. Not really. The mare finally took a breath.
“Ma’am, I am really, really sorry about your mailbox. You see, this is the Royal Guard Civilian Relations office. The fire brigade isn’t a part of the Royal Guard. I’d be happy to refer you to them, though, and maybe save you some time.”
She blinked. “Then why did you let me sit here and yell at you if this isn’t the right place?”
My plastered-on smile brightened some. “It looked like you needed to get it off your chest, ma’am. We take our customer service very seriously, even if you’re not officially our customer.”
“Well… that is awfully kind of you. Thank you. I’ll just be going… where did you say the fire brigade is?”
This happened more than most ponies might guess. So much so that, to save time and increase consistency, I had fliers printed. The vice colonel had loved that. She’d given me two gold stars. That was her way of career evaluation. I doubted very much it went into my Guard file.
I scooped a flier up in my magic and levitated it to the mare. “Here you go. This will get you right to them and even help you navigate their system.”
“Oh! Well, that is wonderful. Thank you!”
“Yes, ma’am. If you don’t mind, could you fill out this comment card on your way out? It would be a huge help to me,” I asked as I pushed it towards her.
“Sure! After I yelled at you for ten minutes, it is the least I can do,” she said before trotting off.
Instead of calling for the next pony, I placed my This Station Closed sign in front of me and went off into the back room. After that, I needed a break. Plus, Van Glorious had been gone a little too long. It was time to figure out where he was.
The vice colonel had an extremely hooves-off approach to management. By that, I mean she considered her morning physical training part of her work day so she arrived two hours late. She also considered salon time official business so she left as soon as we closed the front office. As best as I could tell, this was her dream job and she had no intention of ever moving up.
My ear twitched at the sound of Van’s voice in the hall outside our office. I cracked the door and peeked out. A pegasus stallion was with him, holding out a bouquet of daffodils. Another one? What was this, the fifth this month?
“Aww, thank you, sweetie,” Van said without any warmth in his voice.
“You’re welcome. So… when are we going to have that date? How about this weekend?” the other stallion asked shyly.
“Sorry, I’ve got plans this weekend.”
“The next?”
“That one, too… I promise as soon as my schedule frees up, I’ll let you know.”
The stallion’s ears drooped and he nodded. “Yeah. Alright, I’ll see you later.”
“Yup!” Van replied before turning and trotting back to the door. “Oh, Lieutenant, I was just—”
“Late returning from your break. No big deal. To your station, please,” I replied, stepping out of his way.
“Yes, ma’am…” he replied with a tone as he went by me.
The stallion in the hall turned and started walking away. I trotted off after him and swatted his tail. “Hey, are you alright?”
He yelped in surprise and then turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes… his pretty, bright blue eyes. He sniffled and nodded. “Yup, I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
After running a hoof through his jet-black mane, he snorted. “I’m fine. We used to date. Then he decided he was too good for me. I don’t know why I keep trying. Ponies that pretty don’t have respect for the rest of us.” He gasped as he looked me over. “I mean… I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean—”
I waved a hoof. “Don’t worry about it. What’s your name?”
“Thunderblast, ma’am.” He wasn’t in uniform but the mannerisms and ma’am oozed Royal Guard.
“Well, I’m Sunny. Between you and me, Van’s a jerk. He works for me and you’re better off finding a nicer pony.”
“I’m starting to see that. I guess I was just holding on to the past. Time to move on.”
It amazed me at how many sweet ponies like this Van rejected. He was all about looks, which was a shame. I patted Thunderblast’s shoulder. “Smart pony. Take care of yourself. Unfortunately, I need to get back to work. I’m on duty.”
“Yes, ma’am. Oh… ma’am?”
“Hmm?”
He smiled. “You seem like a nicer pony.”
My ear’s stood up. “Oh, well, sure.”
“How about I take you on the date I was going to take him on?”
Well, that took a fun turn. I didn’t know this pony from anypony else, but what was the harm? It would be awful to turn him down after Van had done so. Of course, there was a totally different problem here. “I’d say yes, but I can’t date enlisted ponies. You know the rules.”
“I’m a warrant officer,” he replied.
Oh, well he had me there. What was the harm? He was cute and clearly nice. Why not? Say yes more, that is what the vice colonel always said when she was in the office. Plus, a free meal! “Pick me up here after work on Friday, Warrant Officer. Now I seriously need to get back to work.”
“Yes, ma’am!” he replied before trotting off with a confident bounce in his step.
Hmm… say yes more…
☼
“Alright, everypony, you know it is almost that time of year again!” Vice Colonel Wonder said.
We were all standing around for our weekly meeting. Normally, it was just a place for us to get our gold stars and then swap ideas on how to be more attractive. Occasionally there was some legitimate business to conduct. That was pretty rare, though.
Mythic chimed in, “Quarterly charity drive?”
Van Glorious asked, “Makeover week?”
Canary tilted her head. “Hearth’s Warming Eve?”
We all looked at Canary.
“What?” she asked.
Selena reached out and patted Canary’s hoof. “It’s the middle of summer, honey.”
“Well… they could, like… move it.”
“They who?” Van asked.
“Okay, we’re getting a little off track here!” the vice colonel cut in. “No, the time I was referring to was the annual Community Outreach Calendar!”
Huh? “The what?” I asked.
“The Community Outreach Calendar! It is one of the most successful programs I ever instituted. Basically, we have a pony pose for photographs themed around a different month. For instance, I’m always Miss Fresh because I’m the leader.”
I think the confusion was obvious because Mythic looked my way and then put in, “And we sell the calendars and donate all the bits to veteran’s charities.”
“Oh! Yes, that, too,” Vice Colonel Wonder replied.
Community Outreach Calendar? Wait… “So ponies actually buy that?”
“Yes! It is hugely successful, we raised over 41,000 bits last year.”
My jaw dropped. That was an insane amount of bits. That was rich pony bits. That was— wait a second. Community Outreach Calendar. I stifled a laugh. “I see… so you’re saying the community loves the C.O.C.?”
The vice colonel’s head tilted. “Well, of course!”
I glanced around the room. None of them were giggling or holding back laughter. Really? “And how many years have you been doing C.O.C.s?”
“This will be our fifth year!”
“And mares, do mares love the C.O.C.?”
“Of course, Lieutenant! It is a good chance for them to get great beauty tips—” I snorted. “—and inspiration,” the vice colonel said, looking at me in confusion.
“What about stallions?”
Vice Colonel Wonder huffed and raised her voice, “They love the C.O.C.! Everypony loves the C.O.C.! What is so hard to understand about that?”
Everypony in the room just stared at me. Then it seemed to dawn on Mythic. “Oh!” she giggled before clapping her forehooves together.
I shook my head. “Nothing, ma’am. I totally understand it. Can I be Red or Thunder? How big is the C.O.C.?”
“Twelve months. Like any other calendar… and yes, you can be the month of the Thunder Moon. I think that would work out nicely. You and your armor. Now, everypony else get to the sign-up sheet. I want full participation again this year. And yes, Van, before you ask, you can have two months to better represent stallions. That is all, girls!”
I wandered into my office and started giggling. How could they be so oblivious? Well… I knew how Canary could be, but the rest? They were moderately intelligent ponies.
“Knock, knock!” Mythic said, standing in my open door.
“Come in,” I replied between giggles.
She wagged a hoof at me. “You’ve got a dirty mind.” Her tone was light and teasing.
“Yes, yes I do! Of course, you got it, too, so…”
“I didn’t at first, but then you kept repeating it over and over and over. That was funny.”
I winked at her. “I try. So, you’ve really been doing this calendar for five years? Didn’t the vice colonel say it was her idea?”
“Yes we have, and yes she did. Why?”
“Because officers typically move on to new units every two to three years…”
Mythic blinked and asked, “Really? Are you sure? Everypony here that is a member of the Guard has been here a really long time. I mean, the vice colonel has been here almost eight years now.”
What! Eight years? In one position? No way! “Oh… well, maybe she really likes it here?”
“She seems to! Well, I need to get back to work. I just wanted to share a giggle with you. Tootles!”
This was it… this was the end of my career and it had only just started. I was going to spend my whole career smiling at angry ponies and doing calendars. By Celestia, I was going to become the vice colonel!
I got up and trotted out. “Going to lunch! Back later!” I called.
Once I was outside, I hurried home. I needed to do something… figure out a way to be sure I transferred once I’d been here a year or so. If that was going to happen, I’d need to start soon. What could I do?
While I sat in my living room and pondered my next move, the mail slot opened and a letter dropped through. I snatched it up in my magic and pulled it to me. The envelope was blue and had a Wonderbolts-themed postage stamp on it. It was addressed to me but just had a generic Canterlot return sticker. Well… now was as good as a time as any to figure this problem out. This one I could at least solve.
I popped the flap open and slipped out a plain sheet of writing paper.
Dear Sunny
It has been a while since I’ve seen you! Pretty much since you’ve left for your new job. I hope all is going well for you as a royal guard.
“Nope!”
Things have been going really well for me. So well, in fact, that the Navy is going to have me out your way for a full month. I realize it has been a while and I had to look up your address through the records since you haven’t reached out but I thought it would be nice to see you.
Something pretty big has happened and I want to share it with my friend. Let me know if it is cool to meet up.
Soarin
Oh… right. We hadn’t spoken in forever. I’d said I’d write and I never did. What a jerk, Sunny. So he’ll be here, huh? That sounds good. A friend was what I needed! Plus, he’d understand my situation and could help. Maybe I could transfer to the Navy? I’d look cute in their little uniform.
Time to write a letter in return!